Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen
October 5, 2002

By The Doc

FROM THE OFFICES OF "THE DOC"...

Well, after a long, dull boring summer, where the only thing that could keep my mind from turning to mush was a part time job and writing sketches for Patrick Lonergan, (snlyou.jt.org) I only have 4 words for ya'..."The Doc"...IS...BACK!!! And boy do I have stuff to get off my chest. First of all, this is my 4th year doing reviews for S-N-L.com, 2nd It's my senior year of High School. And 3rd...We're also talking about (Sigh) the begining of the end of the line for me.

That's right fellow patients, with High school life coming to an end, so must these reviews. And I can give you a number of reasons for it. First and foremost, I'm going to have to start dealing with college next year. Second, I'm a working man on weekends, So I'm lucky to even be doing this right now in the first place. As a matter of fact, to save time on the day when I write my reviews, (I work at a costume store, and since Haloween is coming They're going to need me for a number of hours.) I have to write this part, (The Introduction) A couple of days early so I could be ahead of the game.

Third, and probably the most important dealie, is the fact that I need to move on with my life. Sure this has been fun, but some things need to take precedents.(Sp?) And I can't have "little things" take up my time...Y'know something, this is going to sound strange but this seems to mirror exactly what happened to Mark Polshuk, only I don't have his famous "Simpson Quotes"... That was the case that is, until just a few months ago. Since I knew Mark was "retiring", I had a feeling that they would be up for grabs...(DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING SECTION IS AN EMBELISMENT, NONE OF THE FOLLOWING IS TRUE, IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.) So I asked him if I could use the lines for my reviews, at first he was reluctant until he said that "I'm not giving them up without a fight!." So now, in the style of a Kung Fu Movie, here's how I won "Custody" of the "Simpsons Quotes":

(IN "WIDESCREEN" STYLE)

DOC: (SPOKEN OUT OF SYNC) Master Mark, you are a worthy advisary, Ha, ha! But you must relinquish the Coveted "Simpson's Quotes" as of right now! Or else, be prepaired to be vanquished! Ha! Ha! Ha!

MARK: (OUT OF SYNC) Those lines will not come to you so easilly, Doc! To win them, you must take me down in a battle Ha, Ha!

DOC: So it shall be...We must Kung Fu fight... NOW! Hy-Ahhh!!!

(CUT TO A BATTLE SEQUENCE FULL OF EDITING MISTAKES)

MARK: You fight well, doc! But know this... I have "Fist Power"!!! WHAAAAAAAAA!!!

(LUNGES TOWARD "DOC", "DOC" DUCKS.)

DOC: You are forgeting something important Master, I to have a power... (RUNS BEHIND MARK) WEDGIE ATTACK!!!

MARK: OY!!! The power of the wedgie is too powerful for me to withstand. Consider myself defeated and the lines yours. Now I must walk slowly into the sunset...Because you forced me to do so with that wedgie...Ohh, ow! Ooh!

DOC: VICTORY IS MINE!!!

(END OF EMBELLISHMENT, THE PRECEDING WAS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. THIS NEVER HAPPENED, I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH!)

So anyway, this is how I wound up with the Simpsons quotes, and by the end of the year, they'll probably be up for grabs again. But for now, let's get this year underway! Matt Damon, (With nothing to Plug) is the host, "The Boss" is the Musical Guest, 2 newbies join the cast, and after all this time there is still NO PRESIDENT BUSH!!! If anyone from NBC is reading this, Pick Jeff Richards! He's got the right face for it. OK, enough stalling, let's go!
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"Cheney and the Bomb" or "3...2...1...Big Rocket Go Now!"

So, we start the tear with a little send off of "Dr. Strangelove" ("Or how I learned to stop worring and love the bomb".) And it didn't really leave much to believe. For starters, where was his Cowboy Hat? and Why wasn't he hooting and hollering? Oh well, It was OK because I like the sight of anyone in politics sitting on a bomb, ready to blow. It just makes me feel warm inside.

Diagnosis: C+
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MONTAGE

I think they made it worse this year, First there's the tacky color filters, then the un-necessarly "Extreme Close ups" of the cast, and finally...(DAVID SPADE: Hey Pardo, it's called A "Rest Home" Check into one.)
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Monolouge Or, "No, no, no! I said 'Step, pause, turn, pivot, step, step!' Not 'Step, pause, pivot, pause, step step, pause'"!

The monolouge part was the better half of this, Matt's impresions were (BRITTISH VOICE) "Rather Humerous" Maya kinda knew what she was in for when playing "Guarini". (Now Appearing at the Doylestown, PA "Dairy Queen") But being the teeny-bopping, boy-band hating, "Beastie Boys" Lovin' fan that I am, the rest of the thing was more dead than the Careers of the other "American Idol" Wannabes... (With the exception of Tamyra, Kelly and Justin.) And at this point, I would like to shamefully admit that Yes, I did see "Idol" this summer. It's like it has some sort of Hypnotic pull, it can't be stopped, THERE IS NO GOD!!! (BLUBBERING) ...Where was I? Anyway, (AS "FRANKENSTEIN") First part: good, 2nd part: Bad.

Diagnosis: C-

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AFLAC/ NRA Or " Something about a bunch of guys with guns alone together in the woods...seems kinda Gay"

This was one of those "One good Supprise" sort of commercials, I absolutely HATE the "Aflac" Goose, and I'm glad they got rid of it. Here's a little Ironic side note, If that's the bird that says "Aflac", then where's the bird that says "Damon"? (RIMSHOT, AUDIENCE BOOS) C'mon, I thought that as good!

Diagnosis: A
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"Brian Fellow" Or "Zookeeper, zookeeper! Those monkies are killing each other!" (GUY WHISPERING) "They're having Sex". "Oh"

(GEORGE BUSH SR.: "Still Gaining Acceptance")
Allright, these usually get a bad rap from me, But this time around seemed...A little more of the same. Though it may be just me, but I think "BF" has gotten a little more perkier this time around. All the stuff about the "Prick Jokes" and stuff were cute considering the circumstances. But it got a little weird when "BF" asked Mat to show his...You know what in a dream mistake. IMHO, I really think they're running out of Ideas, and I think the line should be drawn somewhere. They're improving sure, but if ever there was a time to bail out, now is the time.

Diagnosis: C+
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NRA #2 Or (SEE ABOVE)

This time, they're after someone I hate...No, Loathe!...No, no, DESPISE! MWAH,Ha, HA! And again, the supprise factor gave the sketch the good rating.

Diagnosis: A+
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Boston Teens or "...Therefore, you would certainly never lose your temper over something as trivial as the pronunciation of the word 'Chowder'" "That's 'Chow-dah!' 'CHOW-DAH!' I'LL KILL YOU! I'll kill all of you, especially those of you in the Jury!"

For a moment there, I thought that "The Boss" was going to make an appearance, then again...Wherever Matt is, Ben is sure to follow playing his character from these sketches. Anyway, the "Cox" jokes scored "Puntos". (ENGLISH: "Points") But the rest of the stuff fell flatter than that "Alchohol" (Water) that Jimmy was drinking.

Diagnosis: C-
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"Nutri Quick" Or "From Now on, I'm converting 5 lbs. of Spaghetti (sp?) into one Bar, So I can unleash it's awesome power! (EATS IS, PAUSES, DIALS THE PHONE.) Hospital, Please?"

Whoa, what am I, a Horse? (AS DENNIS MILLER) "That thing looks more uncomfortable than Presient Bush's position on Iraq on Flag Day, Cha Cha! Ha, ha!" OK, Your time is up! Ooh, what a tight squeeze! If you don't mind, I prefer the edible bar than taking a bullet up my sewer... Though it was disturbingly funny to watch.

Diagnosis: B
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"Hamnibal at College" or "Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: Jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time."

For what it's worth, Damon does a pretty good "Hanibal", but it's the stuff that he does that gives this one a low rating. I mean c'mon, what kind of person spends his spare time singing the theme song to "WKRP In Cincinatti"?... Well, aside from TV lovin' me. But I digress, this one lacked something... Funny Jokes.

Diagnosis: C-
(Saving Grace for Matt's "Hannibal")
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"Springsteen"

Y'know, for 4 years now I have refused to review the musical acts no matter how good/bad they are...This year is no exception...

Diagnosis: N/A

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"Update" or "Kent Brockman live at 'Barney's Bowl-a-rama' where Homer Simpson is about to bowl a perfect game, making this the greatest achievement in the history of Springfield...Which just goes to show you how pitiful this town really is."

The Jokes were OK, but let's talk about the features... As a "Yankees" fan, Saturday's elimination... (BOO) From the first round of Playoffs...(BIGGER BOOS) To the "Angels" Nonetheless!!! (BOOS AND STUFF BEING THROWN ON STAGE.) For once in my young life, I now know what it's like to live in Boston! As for that Latin Comic, I'm guessing that was the new guy Fred Armisen under that garb. (If not, pardon me.) Was a tad annoying. And that's what I think harmed "Update" that night.

Diagnosis: B-
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"So many Damon's" or "Simpson, Det. Homer Simpson.(GASP) He's named like my name!"

Interesting concept, Funniest parts were all those "Introductions", but that's about it...What, you want more? Maybe that's all I wanted to say about it. Maybe that one thing, was all there was To say about it! What are you going to do about it, huh? You wanna arm wrestle? Huh? C'mon, Right Here, right now! (REALIZING NO ONE IS AROUND) Uh, Yeah!

Diagnosis: B+
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"Versace Pockets" or ...Uh...Can't really think of anything right now.

I don't know what they were thinking with this one, this gets the dubious honor of being named my first "Oy, Vey! of the day" for the year. Maya (Although she's in character) looks like she's taken a couple of extra sips of wine before filming. The "Rosie" shot was a little tasteless, the Axl Rose part was pointless. (Is he even famous anymore?) Anyway, I'm sure this is all part of the 1st day jitters, and that this will pass sometime soon.

Diagnosis: F
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"TV Funhouse/Smurfette show" or "...But let me tell you, the slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat Dynamo!!!"

I'm very sure that as we speak, many of the people at the SNL Board are slamming this sketch because it's an homage to our arch-rival "Anna Nicole Smith", ("Arch Rival" because she keeps disrupting our SNL Reruns on the E! network.) But I say, why not spoof the show?

(COMMENTARY) I mean, a lot of other people have, why can't SNL? After all "Immitation is the sincerest form of flattery" and regardless of who it is they're spoofing, the point is that they're just trying to make us laugh. You know what, I DID find this sketch So funny, that I need to use an Acronym...How about, ROTFL? and being a childhood "Smurfs" fan, I enjoyed it even more! So If I do get letters from the SNL Community saying that I'm "Commiting Treason", that's your problem. I have opinions, and so do you. And that's all I'm going to say about this.

Diagnosis: A+
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"Sex Robot" or Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half assed. It's the Ameican Way!"

I shouldn't have use up my "Oy Vey", this made less sense than any of those Sketches where Will Ferrell played a messed up doctor. This would just be something he would do if he was still on the show. ("BELUSHI") "BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! They had to give the worst sketch of the night to the host, and on top of all that, Hammond Nails a Garbage Can?!?!? (SILENCE) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! There, I did it, I feel better.

Diagnosis: F
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"Dr. Phil" or "Homer, before you do this, I think you should see a doctor..." "Oh, OK!" "...A Competient Doctor!" "D'OH!"

Like I said at the begining, Jeff Richards should be playing George W. Bush. And if you still don't believe me, you should have seen his "Dr. Phil". Despite the fact that the sketch sucked donkeys, His Impression was a pretty good one. And I think that it clinches his shot at being Bush...But again, it's my opinion.

Diagnosis: D+
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"War On Iraq" or "Whew, my act is saved... Saddam is on first, Ayatollah's on 2nd..."

This was just "Silly", this is a concept just about as ridiculous as the show it's spofing. ("Good morning Miami".) It's just pointless filler.

Diagnosis: F
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Grand Diagnosis: B-

Prescription: Walk it off

Next Week:
"Buffy" and the guest that was supposed to be with John McCain. (Faith Hill)

This Review is Dedicated to all the Men and women in America...Who think that "Handshaking" is a contact sport.

Till Next week, "The Doctor is out".