Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen
October 5, 2002

By Nick Mayhew

I believe it was the great poet, Dennis Miller, who said, "Screw you, HBO."

Here we are again, with the 28th season of Saturday Night Live kicking off in full force. The absence of Will and Ana leaves a very large void to fill, but, it has been done in the past, so things will eventually come together. Summer was mediocre for me- working 35 hours a week isn't what I call fun, but the paycheck is nice. Other than that, it was just a regular summer I suppose. I did manage to see some really awesome concerts though,

June 15- Bad Company, Foreigner and Joe Bonamassa at SPAC, which was actually a decent show, most good songs too

July 5- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at SPAC- he comes every year and always puts on a good show

July 6- Rush at SPAC- this was the best concert I've seen in my entire life, or probably will ever. If you ever get a chance to see them, then take it. Working Man, Subdivisons, Limelight, and Tom Sawyer to highlight some good songs. I'm sure Buxton can back me up on this one.

July 29- Dave Matthews Band at SPAC- these boys come each year to SPAC for 2 nights, and usually the second night is the better of the 2 nights. Yea, and I went to the second night. I got trashed before, but made sure I was sober enough during to listen to him. He played a 15 minute encore of "Two Step" after we all chanted for him to play it for like 5 minutes.

August 20 at SPAC- The Allman Brothers- good concert. Not much else to say.

August 25 at SPAC- Sammy Haggar and David Lee Roth- this was also a great concert of two of the best musicians. 

September 22 at Northern Lights- Quiet Riot- Come on feel the noise, girls rock your boys! C'mon, who remembers them. I had to be the youngest guy in there, but it still was an awesomerrific concert.

October 18, Blue Oyster Cult at Northern Lights; October 24, Thin Lizzy, November 27, Dickie Betts, December 13, Bruce Springsteen, and unconfirmed yet, but DMB is supposed to come back.

Sports Report-

Yea, so we're out of it. I don't have much to say cause I'm kinda bummed. But, I'm calling Angles and Braves in the Big Game, with Angels winning.

Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and being inducted into the Black Entertainers Hall of Fame

Jen Melnick" orphie@nycap.rr.com writes,

Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm a fan of the site, I always get my SNL info from there and I have a couple of questions for you. Where are you from?? Cause I'm not sure if it was you or the other guy but I heard you talking about Northern Lights and WNYT so I figured you have to live somewhere around Schenectady, I live about 25-30 minutes away from there, and also I was wondering how old you where, you know just out of curiosity. Well I hope you respond soon, and if I'm wrong then please feel free to correct me.
Thnx for listening, Jen
Well, thanks for writing Jen. Albany, New York. WNYT NBC NewsChannel 13 rocks, and so do you. Write sometime soon.

johnathan q vaile" mrk-vi@juno.com asks,

hi...I know you don't know me, but I wrote Neil McCormick about Lenny
Pickett's mouthpiece setup and he told me to ask you because you knew
him. I'm a tenor sax player myself in Vancouver, Washington and love
the
Lenny's sound. I know he plays on a Berg Larsen 130/0 sms, But I was
wondering if he's done any work on it to open the sound up. Also, I was
wondering what kind of reed he uses and the strength of the reed. If
you
know this off hand or you could find out, I would greatly appreciate
it!! Thank you!
John Vaile

Well John, I know he has a specialty made mouthpiece that opens up the valve and allows the sound to open up. He does play a Berg Larsen, and he has the nicest sax I ever saw. Don't know about the reed- didn't get that specific.

Mailbag went dry over the summer partly because I erased most of my mail accidentally, so email me, pinballwizard46@yahoo.com

Let's see what's new in the world this week. John Walker Lindh received a 20-year sentence Friday after condemning Osama bin Laden and his terrorist network during a plea for forgiveness AND that he is reportedly a homosexual. Yea, put a gay man in jail for 20 years. That's something new.

It was reported today that a citizens group is trying to remove porn channels from hotels across the country. What the hell am I gonna jerk too in the hotel now, I Love Lucy reruns?

Yesterday, the 99-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond made his final speech in the Senate. Yea, during his speech he said he said he loved working there, but it wasn't like the feeling of nailing Abigal Adams.

In what may be the Internet's first attempt at a public suicide, a young Indiana man posted his efforts to kill himself with drugs on a Web discussion board, sparking a flurry of sympathy and taunts before he was located and saved by police. Yea, apparently the man was Liza Minelli's husband.

Stoking an old rivalry, President Bush raised more than $1 million for Mitt Romney's Republican gubernatorial campaign Friday. Meanwhile, Duckin Donuts raised 500 donuts for Al Gore.
Gore's been out of a job for two years now already, and to think, we're gonna see him on the campaign trail again in another year. He's gotten more offers lately than a Chinese hooker during a full moon. But, he's decided to decline because those jobs were all lousy. Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but aside from gravity and how good it feels to put a Q-tip too far into your ear, nothing quite unites mankind like the fact that at one time or another, just about all of us have had lousy jobs.

You know, my grandfather always used to say, "Nick," and around five minutes later I'd say, "Yes, grandpa?" And then he'd say, "Nick, always do something you love, and you never work a day in your life." Of course, my grandfather operated the hoof-grinder at a Hormel plant and was extremely sarcastic.

There are many ways to know that you have a bad job. For instance, if you have to carry out the body of the guy whose place you are taking. If you're employed at a Post Office next to a co-worker who's constantly muttering under his breath, and the only word you can ever make out is your first name. And most importantly, you never want to be the bathroom attendant at an Indian restaurant.

You know, the problem with bad jobs is that often, they make you dress the part. Every time I go to the food court at a mall and I see those girls at that lemonade and corn-dog place wearing the red-hot pants and the multicolored hats, I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming, "Sell your blood."

As a matter of fact, I've had lots of bad jobs. There was the Fotomat gig where a lady got testy because her pictures weren't there in 24 hours as promised. I tried to keep it together, but when she called me an incompetent minimum-wage slug, I told her I had to send her order back to the lab because the photographs of her ass wouldn't fit in the booth.

I have several friends who have, in my opinion, the worst jobs anyone could possibly imagine. But they are either fucking with my head or completely insane, because they think they've got life by the balls. My friend Joey works cleaning out the small-object filter screen at a major urban sewage-treatment plant. He calls himself a "flow facilitation engineer," insists the job has many perks and often winks at me as he makes large purchases with buckets full of damp, stinky, loose change.

Last summer, my friend Chad scooped dead animals off country roads for a paycheck. Chad fancies himself a "pelt wrangler." He also insists that the rewards of his job go beyond the paycheck, as he casts a proud glance toward his fur-lined den, out of which he operates his all-natural, eyes-are-still-in-'em toupee business.

And then there's Dan, who puts electronic-surveillance ankle bracelets on people who've been put under house arrest. Dan loves being part of the criminal justice system because he feels that too many people are immoral and unethical and besides, from time to time a hooker will give him a hand job for loosening the bracelet a notch.

The point I'm making is that if your self esteem, your sense of who you are, is entirely wrapped up in what you do for a living, then I feel sorry for you. Because there is so much more to who a person is than how he collects a check. There's family. There's friends. There's hobbies. And above all, there's going down to your local Subway shop and staring through the window at the guy your age in the canary-yellow "sandwich artist" polo shirt, sweating over a provolone and salami hoagie like he's defusing a bomb, and thanking God that you are not him.

In closing, I think the biggest mistake we make vis-a-vis our jobs is always determining the value of the job solely by how much it pays. Take Regis Philbin, for example. Sure, he's making a lot of money, but come on, he has to punctuate stupid questions and moronic answers with insipid banter, all the while sitting across from some mindless idiot who doesn't even belong on television in the first place. And then, he had that new game show on, too.

And by the way, as some of you may know, my hero Dennis Miller called it quits abruptly over the summer with HBO and left his Emmy winning sitcom. Apparently, HBO was gonna let him go, but he quit before they got to it. Disappointed, yes, mainly because though on his big sendoff, which was a two month thing, he didn't have many SNLers, exception of Tina, Dana, Belushi and Chris Guest. I thought Vince Vaughn was a horrible series finale choice, but it was actually good. However, I think this is the most lucrative decision ever made on his part, and I speak on behalf of all the DML fans when I say, stop hanging out with Lovitz and get the fuck back on TV before I find you and shove an Al-Queda shoebomb up your ass.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com
Tonight's Guest is a fine actor, and the musical guest couldn't be better. Please welcome Matt Damon and Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

[COLD OPENING] Dick Cheney rides a missile

Parnell doing the Brokaw impression. Sweetness. He always delivers a good Brokaw, even more so than Dana did. This was kinda short but it got the point across- we need to bomb Iraq. Darrell riding on the missile and eating a cookie made me laugh itself. Telling them to suck on it is always good too. Not a terrible opening, but could've been longer.

RATING: 7/10

[MONTAGE] Opening Credits

This, to me, is not as good as the old one. This one is way too busy, and flashing their names in 100 size font isn't cool. It looks snazzier, but too much is going on at once.

[MONOLOGUE] Matt Damon

Ummm, Monologue- a dramatic scene in which one person speaks alone; a work in the form of a soliloquy. Hmmm yea. I really don't mind when the host goes backstage or whatever and interacts like that, but the monlogue is supposed to be the actor talking to us, not a sketch. That's why I didn't like the Alec Baldwin one from 97. This wasn't too bad though- mainly because of Amy and she made Brittany look like the ass she is. I really did like how Damon had ideas he could do on the show and impressions he did were great. Not too bad.

RATING: 7.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] NRA

Now why couldn't they go against my wishes and have shot Dubya in this sketch? It was funny though, I hate that stupid Aflac duck, and its about time someone shot the damn thing. Decent.

RATING: 8/10

[SKETCH] Brian Fellow's Safari Planet

Ehh, I actually started to enjoy these last year but this one was a DUD. I usually have more adrenaline for this skit than Barron does playing cards with Andy Dick. But, yea. It kinda bit the big one with this. I laughed maybe a few times. Remember I said that Wake Up Wakefield wasn't the best way to start last season premiere? Same story here.

RATING: 6.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] NRA Part 2

Now, this caught me completely off guard and was hilarious. I can't stand Carrot Top so this rocked the body. Very good.

RATING: 9/10

[SKETCH] Sully and Denise

This was good. I had some high hopes for this sketch, and it wasn't too bad. Fallon had quite a few good lines, but see, they teased me by having Rachel brought to the stage and I thought Boss was gonna bring her on. But he didn't. So that sucked. Overall, I was pleased and decent as well.

RATING: 8/10

[COMMERCIAL] Nutri Quick

Another great commercial. The commercials seem to be better than actual sketches which is not cool. This seems like the kind of cereal bar for me. Parnell was cool, and Dean and Jeff are back (say whatttt?). So, this was good.

RATING: 8/10

[SKETCH] Hannibal goes to College

See, I think everyone who's been in 8H can do a Hannibal impression and I'm starting to think that I can. I can do lots of impressions but not this one to well. This had about as much thrill, as, well, Thriller. This Forte guy seems cool, and in all fairness was an ok sketch.

RATING: 7.5/10

[MUSIC] Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

Kudos to Bruce for not hogging camera time. See, if they get Bruce to come on, they need to play his hit song and an old favorite. This, my democratic friends, was not. Max Weinberg is like so awesome it gives me the shivers. Anyway, not too bad for Brucey.

RATING: 8/10

[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

Jimmy and Tina who? Emmy what? This is not the same writing team that won an Emmy a few weeks ago and the first time on SNL since 1989. This blew chunks. Period. I laughed at maybe 2 jokes to Tina's and Jimmy's combined. This was gayer than a night at Terry Sweeney's. But, the awesomeorrific combo of Seth and Matt was supercool and brought up my rating A LOT. Seth always knows how to do WU. And both of them did help me cope with my loss of the Yankees in the postseason. 1918, boys. I knew that Fred dude was the Latino guy because I knew he was in a band. He seems cool too. 

RATING: 6.5/10- the lowest EVER I've given Update

[SKETCH] Scientist

This also blew. DUD.

RATING: 4/10

[SKETCH] Donatella Versace

See, Maya sucks, and there isn't anything else to it. This was mediocre at best. Horatio playing Rosie was hilarious and that saved the sketch somewhat.

RATING: 5/10

[CARTOON] A Cartoon by Robert Smigel

Hey, this was actually not too bad. Smigel still has the magic touch.

RATING: 7/10

[MUSIC] Bruce Springsteen MINUS the rest of the musical guest

Boo. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a HUGE Boss fan, but this was just stupid. The E Street Band has such a history and he plays this. Somewhere in Studio 6A, Max Weinberg was crying.

[SKETCH] Sex Robot

Hey, this was actually good. Amy is hot. Darrell is cool but kinda screwed this one up. Decent.

RATING: 6.5/10

[SKETCH] Dr. Phil

I can see Lorne doing this already. He cuts all the good skits from dress including a parody of Martha Stewart with Ana and then leaves a good sketch it but inserts it at the end. Don't like it. But hey, this was an awesome sketch. Go Jeff!!

RATING: 9/10

 

SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Dr. Phil

PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Chris Parnell

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Seth Meyers on Weekend Update referring to the Red Sox always losing, "and here's something you might not know: Fall is awesome. The leaves change color, it's breathtaking! Ever wonder why New England has such beautiful foliage? It's God's way of apologizing."

 

OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 54/100

This show reeked of suckiness. Now, my ratings are according to my standards of SNL and not based around that particular show. Needless to say, it sucked. I also didn't write a whole lit because I wasn't really inspired to by a piss-poor show. The host and MG lineup was FANTASTIC but the show SUCKED. This had to be the worst season opener in this current cast. I hope things improve much next week.

Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here...