Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen
October 5' 2002

By Greg Haledjian & Alex Carian

Note to Self: Many of the big reviewers have left. This could be a good year for you, got to stand up this year. You can't make stupid segments like last season. No random crap like the first year with all those dumb taglines that went nowhere. After 30- some odd reviews you'd think I'd learn the ropes of the review, but guess what, I was wrong. So Season 3 has to be the year. SNL could be closing up show soon over the next few years and as for the posting of the reviews, I'll let that joke just be imagined through all the minds of the viewer. So in conclusion, don't make an ass out of your self this season and good luck.

 

Present Day: Well, last season in the first September show I decided to make a summer review of everything going on in the area and I think it went pretty well over with the people. So, I've the tunes of Rancid and here's the copied and pasted version of the live journal of my life in the summer of 2002. Enjoy.

June 26-27, 2002
My friends and me went into an abandoned haunted house, pretty cool shit. I won't write anybody's real names cause it is incriminating and for me to race out of town in my little Corsica against all my friends in their cars, I'd be like food on Oprah's plate. So, during both nights we taped the events and cool stuff we damaged to the house. I cut my knee on some glass when leaving the house. I was really scared the whole time there, but at least I made it out alive, not like 3 teens making a tape in the summer of '99. (Blairwithcoughcough)
Music: Rancid-Coppers

Week of June 31-July 5
Went to camp for pre-camp that's lasts about a week. Hey, let me give a shout to my sister Julie, Happy Birthday. Camp lasted forever and never ended, thank god its now.

July 6, 2002
Got a ride home from camp and got in last nite at about 6 or so. So for the next 2 weeks, I'm home. After that, its gonna suck cause the one rule at my camp that sucks is that theres no drinking. Fuck the system is a good type of term for that situation. You know what I mean Rage fans. For all the camp people reading this: I would have been home 2 days earlier if I had given in to temptations. Yah Pot.
Music: Nirvana- Sliver (Live)

July 12, 2002
Well I just got back from Wyckoff, chilled there last nite, did some bowling, hung out with my cousin, pretty fun stuff. Later that night me and Eric watched Pearl Harbor. Good lord if there's ever a need for commercials, this movie is calling out for them. Oh yeah, the messed up love triangle between Danny, Ray, and Evelyn wreaked of 90's TV shows, why go down that type of route with a classic war date. God dam Hollywood.
Music: Operation Ivy Discography

(This next part is in total seriousness)
July 15, 2002
Well if you all remember in the early days of last season, I wrote about my grandfather and of his passing, well my uncle, his brother, passed away. Due to my leaving of camp I've decided to take a hault in the live journal for the next month. RIP JZH.

 

 

 

 

Like in TV scripts, a whole month can be summarized in this large span.

August 18, 2002
Well, the long month of camp is finally over. I am done with that camp, 6 years is enough time spent over there. Thanks camp for all the memories. So my first night back was pretty un-eventful, but interesting. Me, Ty, Shawn, and Fry stole this Ice Breaker thing from the back of Shop Rite and well, we did what any Saturday Night can involve: broke the box and stuff and ran like immigrants getting off the boat.
August 19, 2002
Broke and stole a TV

Rancid- Roots Radicals on SNL

August 21, 2002
Well just some up to date info if you're reading this in order. Ana Gasteyer has reportedly left SNL after 6 seasons; I'm assuming it's due to the baby. Now, I know its only August, but the episode guide is already spitting out info for October in who's hosting. Here it is as of 8/21/02:

October 5, 2002 Matt Damon and Bruce Springstein
October 12, 2002- John McCain and Faith Hill

Music: Soundgarden- A-Sides

August 23, 2002
Hey, just to note, anybody who lives in the Northern Area of Bergen County that has old TV's, VCR's or anything that is not valuable and decides not to wait for the garbage men to pick up there crap, well my friends would be willing to take your stuff. Our videos for school and stuff are important and breaking these items would be cool.
Soundgarden- The Fuck You song

August 29, 2002
Well what a week folks, I've been having double sessions in soccer, partying with friends, and drinking like a fish. And it's hard to believe that there's been no drug usage. Anyway, in the entertainment field this past well nothing much has really happened, well unless you count the VMA's on MTV, hosted by SNL Update anchor Jimmy Fallon. I'm really looking forward to Fallon's performance. He was great last year at the Movie Awards on MTV with Kirsten Dunst. Actually a little trivia for all the die-hard SNL fans out there, exactly 10 years ago an SNL cast member hosted the VMA's. The answer is: Dana Carvey. Hard to believe that guy was sooo popular on late night TV and look at him now. Back to the VMA's, the music and talent at the show should make the show be f-in amazing tonight. My guesses are that The Vines, The Hives, Bruce, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Shakira, and P. Diddy will do the best job out there. Check out that stuff and by the time your going to be reading this by, MTV or MTV2 will probably be re-airing the VMA's all over again, so check it out again or for the first time.
Music: Pearl Jam- Betterman (Live)

September 20, 2002
Well I'll put the next paragraph into a short summary on why I was unable to write for the past few weeks. My computer decided to not work and we had to re-install the modem. If I haven't lost you in the snore-a-thon yet, please keep reading. Well we got it fixed, but my whole review that I had type got deleted, but I made a print out copy a week before and the lazy ass of mine has decided to write it all back down again the afternoon of the premiere tonight. Hey, that's pretty much the end of the live journal, onto the present day of October 5, 2002.

October 5, 2002

Okay, it's now 10:50 a.m. on a beautiful Saturday Morning. In about 14 hours, the premiere of SNL's 28th season is going to start, but don't think that the review is going to technically start in a few lines, I've got tons of stuff to fill in.
Spazo Tom is here with his Fall Update
I've got a brand new co-host and new segment
And of course an analysis of the season, but first off, let me just update everyone on the schedule for this season in hosts/musical guests area.

October 5, 2002 (tonight)- Matt Damon and Bruce Springstein and the E-Street Band
October 12, 2002- Sarah Michelle Geller and Faith Hill
October 19, 2002- John McCain and Nelly

So we're packed with 3 shows right in a row and from past years SNL always likes to put 3 in a row and it's always worked out ok for them, so I feel the next 3 weeks should be pretty good. I'm not sure about the show on the 19th though, it doesn't flow right with me, just cause Nelly sucks and I have no idea who John McCain even is. I might be wrong, but isn't he in some presidential party.

Spazo Tom: Let's just hope you never run for a political party, not knowing who that guy is, is pretty sad, you dumb hobo.

Greg: Well, thank god this season I'm technically not allowed to let Tom only have one line a show due to him almost quitting out on me over the summer and losing the Update forever, we worked out a compromise though.

Spazo Tom: Yeah, so this is my last line, right

Greg: You got it Tom, you've been upgraded to 2 lines a show and of course Update.

Back, to what I was saying, this hosting gig of McCain's could fall through or end up like the Steve Forbes show of '96, we'll have to wait and find out. Alright, I'm sticking with this whole live thing till the review, so I'll be right back in like a few hours, I'm off to SAT tutor and getting my haircut.

Note to Self: Trim

Alright, just got back, well before that I did some running, did my economics project and then went to my SAT tutor, what a day. Break out the Colt 45 tonight or even Mike's

Okay, each new season of SNL I like to bring in a new co-host or commentator of some sort. In 2001 it was Spazo Tom and in 2000 I debuted the review and brought myself in, this year I've decided to find a good friend cross the country, he's a fellow Armenian, live from California, here's Alex:

Alex: Hi there bored SNLers. I'm Alex Carian, and this is my first season on Greg's review. I'm a sophomore in High School at Bishop Montgomery HS and a guitarist, as apposed to Greg, who's an angry drummer. That's all you need to know. Now, Greg, go ahead and say some goofy shit.

Greg: Nah, we'll save the goofy shit bit for next week, Alex, what do u got for us man.

Alex: Well, I know this review has gone through a lot of segments over the past few years and y'know some of them haven't even made it onto the post board.

Greg: Well, I think there's a good reason for them not to be posted. (coughseancough)

Alex: AnywayI have this brand new segment I'd like to debut here for you all right now, it's called.

What's your Jolly Rancher?

Welcome to the Jolly Rancher Personality Test! This is a test to see what kind of Jolly Rancher fits your personality best. First, choose your favorite flavor.

Disclaimer: This test was designed for entertainment purposes only. Any actual truth this test holds is purely coincidental. I'm sure there should be all kinds of legal babble, but I'm no lawyer. Basically, don't take this too seriously. Because we aren't responsible for any bodily harm that stems from reading this test. Thank you.

The Original Jolly Rancher Flavors are:
Cherry
Grape
Apple
Watermelon
Lemon
You have the above choices and Don't like candy

Note: Over the next following weeks I will enfold (SAT word) the rest of the flavors and there personality traits, here's the first one:

Cherry - You are a person with lots of ambition. That is why you aspire to screw everyone you meet by lunchtime. Most of the people you meet think you are an asshole, so you usually end up jacking off in a McDonald's restroom. You are a pretentious, underachieving slob. As the only highlight of your pointless life, you may hold public office or become a gigolo.

Alex: And that's all for the Jolly Rancher Test for this week, stay tuned for the following weeks to come for the rest of the flavors, also I will have an end of the review opinion, so tune in for that, later.

Greg: Hey man that was great. Okay, its now 5:40 p.m., it's about 6 hours till SNL starts, I'm gonna grab some food and write some more shit later.

Hey, time for one last segment, than its SNL time. Back last year we did an SNL radio show and.nah I'm only kidding, back for his 2nd season is my favorite segment and good friend Spazo Tom.

Spazo Tom: Good to see all of you, hope you like the review so far, you know this reminds me of a fucking telethon, greg why do you make these reviews so long.

Greg: I don't really know, just do the segment, ok Tom.

Spazo Tom: Well, ok.

Fall Update

Spazo Tom: Well, it's good to be back and live for once instead of via phone.

After being nominated for 7 Grammies and losing in every field, hitting the talk show circuit and even doing a musical guest performance on SNL, can anybody even tell me where India.Arie has been lately. The term is called One Hit Wonder. I feel sorry for India, cause her 7 minutes of fame can't even fit a mini 15 minute edition of VH1's Behind the Music.

God Bless the Spice Girls for actually making up Fake Media about themselves, cause without the rumors, we'd just think they were no talent 30 year olds prancing around stage singing stupid songs about love and shit. One of them even has long brown hair now, the one with the blonde hair for some reason got it curled.

Greg: Wait, dude, I think you're talking about the Backstreet Boys.

Spazo Tom: Hey, Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls, is there really a difference.

Okay, well I think the term, "Sisqo is in works to do a spring project," is officially over after his record company actually listened to the whole cd and said to him and I quote, "what are you, fucking nuts."

Rumors around the TV is that Vanilla Ice is planning a comeback, and when I mean planning a comeback I mean planning to make a non-planned MTV Summer cameo by running through the Seaside Heights stage and yelling "I've got a gun and word to your mother." The cameo will take 4 seconds to shoot and another 5 years of time in the state penitentiary.

Well, I was informed not to mock anything in the Rap Scene this year.and really, not even Greg himself can stop me, I mean, if Sean, AOL, and Time Warner can't do anything to stop me, what are the chances that Greg can.

Well, here's some brief info on your favorite Rap performers and what they've been doing this past summer:
Well Lil' Romeo has been spotted at car washes and hospitals trying to sell his latest cd. I didn't believe it, but when I heard he jumps in the car while the car is in the car wash motion, I let me guard down and believed the story.

Nelly got a little wake up call when he was at some concert and when he finished playing the hit single, "Hot in Here," and asked the crowd what song they would like the hear next, the crowd replied, "Please, No." I'm pretty sure that's not a song, but go figure.

And finally on the Rap Scene, singer Fat Joe has been working on his flips and by flips I mean working on his skill of flipping Hamburgers with the rest of the staff in your local Burger King.

And finally, Dana Carvey came out with a movie this summer, the movie entitled Trash has been playing in 5 theaters and instead of buying tickets to see the film, the movie theater pays you to see it and at the end they let the cameraman from the movie standing at the door so you can get a free shot at him.

Well that's it for this week, yeah I know, pretty poor, tune in later this year for more of the Update, goodnight.

Greg: Hey Tom, that was good man, see you later.

 

October 6, 2002
Dudes and Dudettes out there, it is now f-in 12:48 a.m., I'm taping SNL cause I was out tonight and had some to drink, so keep with the review, if I begin to make sentences that don't make sence, well they usually don't make sence, but this time I have a reason for it.
Well as of now Bruce just finished his second song, and I'm gonna stop the tape soon and watch it and review then. Peace.

 

Pre-Thoughts: Well a loss of 2 great cast members can kill the show a bit, but I think it will prevail this season. Matt Damon will do a great job tonight in my opinion and Bruce will do a great job playing songs from his new album. Should be a good 90 minutes of Tv tonight, enjoy, and onto the show.

Opening: NBC Special Report
-Well here's the first of many Darrel/Parnell combinations for the opening montage. The loss of Will in the opening will definitely let Parnells talents shine at 11:30 every Saturday Night.
-It was a funny little opening, weak a bit. The Highlights were the convo with Cheney and Bush. The Cheney character never gets old in my opinion and will definitely be a great asset to the show this season.
-The last 2 years the opening was 6 minutes and 7 minutes, this year it barely makes it to 4 minutes. Not a good start on that.
Grade: C

Opening Credits: Revamped Credits this season, but not bad nonetheless. Good to see Amy again. The info on the featured players goes like this: They kept all of them from last season and added 2 more to the cast, Will Forteand and Fred Armisen. Should be interesting.

Mono: Matt Damon
-Good startup for the show, the fact they knew in June that he was hosting shows SNL is going to be strong for getting good hosts this season.
-I liked Mayas impression of the guy from American Idol. Speaking of American Idol, did anybody reading this watch the show cause I know nobody who watched it.
-The Lounge Skit was funny, the Justin Timberlake impression was dead on by Damon.
-Hire Dancers SNL, cause Amy and Matt are shitty dancers.
-WTF
Grade: B-

Comm: NRA type thing
-Great commercial, so totally random, SNL's great at doing that.
-The duck getting shot was just too funny and classic.
-Note: Smoke while watching this, cause it will be really funny in my opinion.
Grade: A

Skit: Brian Fellows: Safari Planet
-Good lord, it's the premiere and we've been waiting 4 months for some cutting edge humor and the first thing they do is give Tracy Morgan his only steady recurring character a shot at making some funny time tonight. Looks to be a dazzling fucking show folks, tune in for some crap, cause not looking good for tonight.
-Horatios bit sucked, who was he supposed to be??
Grade: C-

Comm: Recurring Bit of NRA thing
-Jesus, add pot, bring back Will, even bring back Molly Shannon if we're that desperate. What is going on tonight. Last season, SNL had maybe 4 new commercials every 4 months, and in just a span of 15 minutes theres already 2, WTF.
-Anyway, Seth does a great Carrot Top, too bad it wasn't the real Carrot Top, cause that guy is sooo annoying.
Grade: B

Sketch: Sully and Denise at Bruce Springstein Concert
-SNL's show tonight is saved, thank god for the Boston Accents. Great skit, it's been a while since we've seen these characters. I had a feeling Affleck was going to show up, he has a recurring role in these sketches and Damon and him are close.
-The whole thing with Denise going on stage was a mock of Bruces' video with the girl going up on stage with him and dancing. Actually the girl in the video was Courtney Cox, that was why Damon was saying those Cox lines.
-Fallon was great and I think everybody will finally get a chance to see this rising star shine this season with the departure of Will from the cast. Look for Fallon to seem like a Chevy Chase type, but without the jackass innuendo.
-I liked the line about Good Will Hunting and tip thing for getting into a Bruce concert.
-Horatio as Frank was great as it always usually is. It sucks that he only gets 15 seconds on screen.
Grade: A-

Comm: Nutri-Quick
-#3 for commercials for tonight.
-Great to see Parnell back as the random commentator.
-Sick, but funny.
Grade: C+

Sketch: Hannibal Lectar goes to College
-Funny premise, Damon was pretty close to the impersonation of Anthony Hopkins as it gets.
-Making him gay was pretty funny.
Grade: C-

Music: Bruce Springstein and E-Street Band- "The Rising"
-Great song, great performance.
-Good to see him back playing.
-Check for the star band: Max Weinberg on drums from Conan, and Stevie Van Zan from The Sopranos on guitar.
Grade: A

Update: Fey 'n Fallon
-Back for there 3rd season together behind the desk. Pretty funny, weak jokes though.
-Highlights included: Chelsea Clinton, Nancy Drew, and Julia Roberts "baby."
-The commentary of Matt Damon and Seth Meyers was funny about the Yankees and losing. They made some real true facts and it was good to see they didn't make fun of NY at all, but instead made fun of Boston a lot.
-The Commentary, Ferecito, by.alright who the hell is that guy. Any clue, anybody out there, is anybody even reading this.
-He looks like a warped version of Gilbert Gottfried. I liked his drumming skills, but nothing beats a 5-year-old drum set and a guitarist, GO COMPACTORS.
Grade: A-

Sketch: Matt Damon skit about his name
-Pretty boring waste of time.
-Atleast Amy looked hot.
-I liked Tracy as Ben Affleck and Dean as Julius Earving was funny too.
Grade: D

Skit: Versace Pockets
-So.forget it, no point in going off on a rant about the crappy recurring characters, how drunk was Maya by the way.
-The impression of Tracy as P. Diddy and Horatio as Rosie O'Donnell were just hilarious.
-Damon as Axl Rose, jesus, Damon kill yourself, that impression sucked.
Grade: D

Toon: E Toons Presents: The Smurfette show
-Okay we all know Anna Nicole Smith is fat, but don't mesh her type of character into a smurf.
-This really sucked.
Grade: D

Interlude #1: by me
Okay, 3 D's in a row. What is going on tonight?? Tracy and Maya with recurring characters?? A featured player having more than 1 skit?? I'm saying it now, if SNL goes into 94-95 mode this season, theres no way its coming back, good luck Lorne. Back to the show.

Music: Bruce Springstein
-Great song, I know its from the new c.d., I'm not sure of the title of the track though.
Grade: A

Skit: No-title
-Amusing little skit.
-Sex Robot, do they really expect the crowd to laugh at that crap.
-Having Darrel named General Mills was the only real laugh in the first minute and a half.
-Poor Kattan having a featured role in a garbage can.
Grade: B-

Skit: Dr. Phil
-Is Jeff really taking over Wills impression of Dr. Phil?? I swear this Jeff Richards guy wreaks of all things Michael Mckean from '94-'95.
-Very short, what was with the Santa bit.
Grade: D+

Comm: The War on Iraq: The TV show
-#4 for commercials tonight, lets hope they never repeat themeveragainnever.used..thistype of..sentence .beforerandomhuh??
-Pretty funny commercial.
Grade: C

Closing Credits: Nothing that notable, except it was funny that the whole band took up the whole screen and the cast took up the small left side. That's it, thank god.

After-Thoughts: Okay, calm down, SNL usually doesn't have the best premieres. The second show of the season is where things start to pick up, lets hope. Will was deeply missed and Ana too. The female throne of strong character is nowhere to be seen. There were a lot of bad skits, but Bruce and Update really evened out the show. There was maybe 2 funny skits of the night.

Actor/Actress of the Night: Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon
Best skit of the Night: Weekend Update, Sully and Denise at Bruce concert, Bruces' performance
Worst of the Night: 12:30 and after.
Noteable Mistakes: Before one of the 12:30 and after skits, you can see the cameraman and his seat in the screen.

 

Lines of the Night:

From Brian Fellows
"There's only one way to save the show, let me show them my weiner." A beaver to Tracy after Matt Damons bit sucked in the interview.

From Sully and Denise:
"I was gonna bring my girlfriend, but her water broke."- Matt Damon as Scotty.

"Sully, who wears the pants in the relationship."-Matt Damon as Scotty (to Fallon)
"Nobody if its going good."-Jimmy Fallon as Sully

 

 

From Weekend Update:
"Here's something you might not know: Fall is awesome. The leaves change color, it's breathtaking. Ever wonder why New England has such beautiful foliage? It's God's way of apologizing."-Seth Meyer about the Yankees and Fall
"A Tennessee man plans to marry the woman who was jailed for ripping off one of his testicles with her finger nails. And that's the news from Tennessee."- Tina Fey

From the Robot Sex sketch:
"OK, I'll try it out."- Darrel Hammond as General Mills to the Trash Can, after Kattan comes out of the trash can, but Darrel doesn't see him.

From the 4th Commercial of the Night:
"Are Tony Blair and George W. falling in love???- Chris Parnell

Okay, that's pretty much it, this is the 11th page of the review in font 12 in Microsoft Word, technically this is the longest review I've even written, if you've made it this long thanks, if not, well thanks for at least checking out the review. Tune in next week for my good friend Alex back on the show and an updated schedule of the season, and yes, more analysis of the season and tonights premiere.

Thanks to all those in support of the review. So I'll see you all next week, goodnight.