Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen
October 5, 2002

By Bob Barron

Quote of the Week-
"You always know when you're feeling bad, sick, depressed whatever and you're always sure to point it out. I'd like to know what it's like to feel good."

Greetings, salutations, what's up, how we doing tonight, whaaasssssssup, koneechiwa, guten tog, eh, and just a general: Hey.

Welcome to the 28th season of Saturday Night Live. We've lost two famous cast members, somehow Dean Edwards got hired back and well I'm Canadian.


Now I did my tribute to New York thing in the season finale but if you actually read it-
1) I'm sorry
2) Okay- I didn't think it'd be that long.
3) Whoa- congrats.

Some backstory-

On September 6th, 2001 I began my senior year of high school and pretty much made it known that I wanted to go to Canada for university. So I studied hard and made sure to keep my grades up so I would get into a good college.

Okay I lied. But I ended up applying to seven schools, three of which were in Canada.

The University of British Columbia- Canucks games, big campus, free golf.
University of Toronto- Good reputation, biggest library in all of Canada.
Ryerson University- I don't know why I applied here. But they had a journalism programme so what the hey.

UBC ended up putting me on a waiting list.
University of Toronto ended up accepting me but to their school in Mississauga.
Ryerson did this really wacky thing-

ACCEPTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I had to choose- Mississauga or downtown Toronto. So I did what all you kids should do before choosing- I laid out a list of pros and cons of each, talked to kids who went there, spoke to my parents and grandparents, talked to teachers and other figures of authority and made my decision.

Actually, I just flipped a coin. Ryerson won.

So on a May morning my future was clear. Farewell New York, hello downtown Toronto.

Except for seventeen days spent at Petland Discounts, my summer was pretty much easygoing. I woke up at 12, watched NewsRadio and Law and Order, used the internet and then watched O'Reilly. It's all good.

In August it hit me- it was my last week in NY. Here are three key dates-

Sunday August 18th- I went to UCB with our LJ friend, Brian Kinney fan and runner of the greatest Weekend Update site ever ( Jess. It was fun and I realised- 8 days to go.
Saturday August 24th - I spent the night hanging out with one of my best friends. It was starting to sink in- I'm moving soon. Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Sunday August 25th-

We were gonna leave for Canada on the 24th. I said: no. Why? Because I found that "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, sixteen time world champion, limosine riding, jet flying, kiss stealin', wheeling and dealin', son of a gun was gonna be signing autographs in Times Square.

I was not passing this up. Some background on the story-
1) HBK and Big Show were signing before him. I hate HBK and was just gonna get in the Flair line.
2) I thought of #1 because I went June to meet Booker T and Hulk Hogan. The people WWE New York figured everyone was there to meet Hogan so they created a separate line for people who just wanted to meet Booker T- like me.
3) The story you are about contains the reason why God exists cause it was miracle of miracles that I met woooooooo!

I get there at 8:45 am ready to meet the Nature Boy. I was with my friend Katz and his two friends and we were ready to meet Flair.

We were prepared to pass up HBK and Show and like last time just get in the Flair line and be all set. We figured like last time there would be two separate lines.

Crisis #1: There aren't two lines.
Crisis #2: We can't let people cut in front of us
Crisis #3: We're fucked

So we're sitting here worrying our heads off on what to do. Then-

Me and two buddies go down and meet HBK and Show and then come back up and get in line with my two buddies who was saving a spot for us. See- we go meet HBK and Show and then go back up and get in line for Flair. Got it?

The big risk was we go meet HBK and Big Show and then come back and not be able to meet Flair. Thus, we would be essentially fucked.

So we go down and are really close and then we hear-
HBK and Show left early because Shawn Michaels is an unprofessional shit who proves how much he cares about his fans.

Well whoopity fuck. But then we hear the announcement of awesomeness:
You're first in line for-


So we're all ecstatic even though we feel bad for our two buddies. So then:

With Best of Starrcade 83-87 in my hand I go up to Flair

Me: Mr. Flair-Your matches with Steamboat, Sting and Savage are the reasons I watch wrestling today
Flair: Thank you
(I have a second to kill)
Me: You truly are an icon.

He looked at me, said thanks and then shook my hand.


So I go back up and it turns Flair left early as well so my two friends saving the spots for us were pretty much fucked.

But one of them uses a cane so he went and bitched to security and Cane Guy got to meet Flair as well. I just wish my friend Katz got to meet him.

But right now- I have a copy of BOStarrcade 83-87 with:

Nature Boy Ric Flair written on it,


You have to understand all the luck that happened. I mean- had I come an hour earlier or later- no Ric WOOOOOOO! Flair. Had I not decided to take a risk- no Ric Flair. It was a miracle of miracles that I met Flair and stuff like that is why I believe in God.

I spent my last night in New York, like I had spent so many nights. With two friends I watched wrestling. It was just three guys enjoying a fun show and praying Shawn Michaels would walk out crippled.

And then THE DAY. (Cue music)


August 26th, 2002- Farewell New York

All my bags were packed and I was ready to go standing outside my room. Okay- not the exact works but cut me some slack.

I woke up at 7 am. My room was pretty much bare. It was an odd feeling. I went to the deli and said goodbye to the two people who had made me more chicken cutlets then one could care to eat. But they all tasted good.

We dropped my carrie blue terrier, Brooklyn, at my grandparents. Said goodbye to them and I could feel the lump in my throats. I told Brooklyn to be good and to remember I'll always be there for him.

A little backstory with in a backstory-
I'm an only child (after you parents had you they didn't want anymore- shut up) and I've always been a dog person. Whenever I feel a bit upset or need to vent- I just talk to my dogs. They're great listeners and always offer some good advice. Instead of kicking ass, sniff a persons' ass will scare someone away.

Okay- back to the day. I went home and slowly but surely it was sinking it- I'm gonna be Canadian. But we still had one dog to go. We went to the kennel to drop my other dog off. An American bulldog named Cecilia. I was really not ready for this. The car ride over I just petted her and just tried to tell myself it'll be okay.

We got to the kennel, the vet checked on her and I was shaking at this point. I gave her a pat to the head, said: Cecilia- be good and ran out of there. It was like I was dropping off my kid off at college. I wish I had could've given a better goodbye but you gotta understand- I could barely say those three words. I ran to the car and just cried my eyes out.

Was this the right thing for me?? Should I have stayed home where I could watch NewsRadio and pet my dogs- AT THE SAME TIME??

But I knew- I had to do this. It wasn't that far and well- this is what I wanted. I just didn't except it to be half as hard.

I ran in and made sure I didn't forget everything. My Daffy Duck, New Testament and Wayne Gretzky's autograph all came.

I got in the car and started crying again. But unlike earlier- I don't think this was a cry of sorrow or malaise. It was more of a new adventure, oh my god, excitement cry. I took one last look at the house and put on some U2.

That night- we pulled up to the dorm and it was official- I'm in college now.



It's time for Question of the Week-

Who is your favourite basketball player and why?

A: Mine is Kenyon Martin. He always plays hard out there and yea he may be a bit too physical but grow some fucking balls NBA players. He improved greatly from a disappointing first year and I think will be a major star for years to come.

Who is your favourite basketball player? Tell me at-


Our good friend and the only man I know to possibly to be related to Ted Dibase, Ryan Dibase writes-

I was one of Davey's biggest fans too , I think I speak for everyone who was a fan when I say I am happy that Davey can indeed rest in peace (after those turbulent last couple of years) and pray his family comes to terms with this horrible loss. So many memories of The Bulldog, it's hard to list them all. So many classic matches and memories. I'll miss him a ton.

I found a posting on the Stampede Wrestling Message Board by Harry Smith, Davey's son. Here it is:

Thank you all for this great support. I will miss my father just like the millions of fans all around the world. My father had his last match with me in a tag team match in Manitoba, and that meant the world to the both of us.
If you would like to send any cards, or letters, send them to the Hart House.
Thank You everyone.


I have a feeling that Davey Boy's death was a blessing. I was wearing my good luck shirt the day he died so maybe God knew something bad was about to happen or that he wasn't happy and decided to let him ascend to heaven. Davey's death really shook me- it was the first time one of my heroes not named Phil Hartman ever died. I mean- it was just so out of the blue. I understand he may not have been a saint but he always made me happy and I always knew he'd put on a good show.

Writing the season finale review was really hard cause I really was in no condition to write anything. I just kept thinking of Davey and how his family must feel.

I decided to honour his memory as best I could. The week Davey died we were doing eulogies in public speaking class. On Monday since no one was ready to go it was my turn. My teacher said I didn't have to go since I wasn't supposed to be going today. But all class I had been thinking of Davey and decided to go up and wing it.

I went up, looked at the sky and said: this is for you Bulldog and proceeded to improvise a four minute tribute to Bulldog. I felt really better afterwards. While I miss him terribly I know he is up in heaven wrestling Owen and Pillman and probably having a good ole time. Whenever I miss him I just pop in a tape and there he is- doing the standing vertical suplex, rocking the union Jack and putting his opponents away with the powerslam.


Jacquelyn Inserra writes-


I got your e-mail of the SNL fan website. I was wondering, How the heck did you get into the show Saturday??

ps-Where and when did you see Jimmy?? Details!


I have no idea how I got into the show. I was #16 in line and to quote me: "I just showed up just to you know show up." But the stars didn't align with the moons, the Braves didn't win the Eastern division and Darrell Hammond and Chris Kattan realised their time had come and left SNL- (yea- I had that little a chance) and I got in and got to see Will's last show.

I met Jimmy Friday afternoon, the day before the show. I told him I was moving to Canada and thanked him for being supercool. He appreciated the sentiment.

Ryan O'Toole (know he doesn't live in Ireland) writes-

I liked your bit about Canada; it was kinda humorous to hear you speak of our Hockey and Tim Horton's, that's great.
I don't mean this offensively, of course, but I always enjoy hearing an American talk about Canada. Generally, not too many Americans know much about Canada, understandably, because we're not as big an influence on you as you are on us. Americans and Canadians have a lot in common, but we also have a lot of differences, which you'll find out.

Just a few notes, call me your travel guide if you wish, but I'm just a friendly Canadian boy trying to help a friend from down south.

We have ESPN, and I think ESPN2. We also have TSN (The Sports Network), based from Toronto, mainly, which is owned or incorporated somehow with ESPN.
You're right, we don't have the Republican Party, sorry. We kinda have a different system, some would argue is better and some would argue is worse.
Tim Horton's is great, but fatty. Starbucks is good, if you prefer the "tastes like home" feeling once in awhile. Not as much of them as in the States, but Toronto has quite a few I do believe.
We have MTV, on cable/digital cable, as well as MTV Canada. But more widely known is MM (Much Music), as well as MMM (Much More Music).
Now, the wrestling video option would be best asked in terms of Mississauga, not Canada as a whole, because Canada is huge, just not very populated, but I'm sure some Toronto or Mississauga stores will have some good videos of Wrestling.

Anyways, I'm hope you have fun in Ontario, Canada, Mississauga (how ever you want to put it). And you're right: Toronto Maple Leafs games are great, and I hope you enjoy "Hockey Night in Canada", as I am doing right now. Second period is underway, so I must go.

Oh, and enjoy our climate, from New York you'll know, mostly, what to expect. If you were from Texas you'd be bundled up all year round. But just don't be surprised when you see people walking in shorts in March (or February).


Sorry if you didn't feel the need to read this, I was just waiting for 2nd period to start and I read your review.
Have a good one, Ryan O'Toole (Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada).

Thanks for the advice my fellow Canadian. Of course I ended up in Toronto not Mississauga but I did get MAPLE LEAF TICKETS!!! I don't get ESPN or MTV- but The Score is pretty cool and I enjoy Much.


Wanna be in the mailbag?? Email me at


So how we doing Yankee fans. How are we doing? Tough isn't it. Anaheim exposes how shitty your pitching was and rallies in three straight games to beat you. My back is throbbing right now- I was celebrating your defeat. So what's the excuse? What happened? You had the sizzle but not the steak? Well ain't that a kick in the head. Yankee fans this song is for you-

Start spreadin' the news, The Yankees have lost
They're pitching was horrible, they sucked, they sucked
These Anaheim Angels are here to stay
The Yankees won't be a part of it, they choked, they choked

I don' t wanna wake up, I'm afraid it's a dream
It's too good to be true, the Yankees lost

This Yankee dynasty is fading away
It's time for a brand new dynasty, The Braaaaaaaaves
If they can't beat the Angels, the Yankees really suck
I love you, Anaheim, Anaheim

Yankees suck, Yankees suck

I don' t wanna wake up, I'm afraid it's all a dream
Because I'm feeling so great, this is unreal
King of the hill, Yankees have lost

This Yankee dynasty is fading away
It's time for a brand new dynasty, The Braaaaaves
A-a-a-nd If they can't beat the Angels, the Yankees really suck
Thank you Angels, Angels, Aaaaaaaaaaaaangels

Go Braves

Saints- 3-1!!!! I still don't understand how they beat the Packers, Bucs and Bears- but lose to the Lions?? Ummm excuse me?

Braves- Glavine was ass in game one but the M-n-M connection came through. Hey Barry Bonds- you still suck! He did hit two HRs but they were both meaningless. I hope Glavine rebounds from a shitty game one. He looked pretty pissed and I think Glavine is taking game four.


Remember that movie where Nicolas Cage is the angel and Meg Ryan is the nurse and he gives up his life for her only to see her die??

Okay- that has nothing to do with college but I was listening to the soundtrack and yea- I just put it there.

Okay- I'm in residence now. I don't live in a nice house, I have a single room. It's actually kinda bad ass. Let's list why-

1) I don't have a roommate. Now that kicks ass. I couldn't live with a roommate. I mean can you see me living with another person? Didn't think so. I mean I'm not Mr. Clean (I'm not black nor do I have an earring) and I don't want to have to keep a clean room or have to go to sleep at a certain time. I like being able to stay up till 4 am just using the computer or watching the TV.

2) I have my own TV. This is like a relief. Imagine this scene if you will-

Everyone is on the lounge watching some football. I look at the clock and go: OH MY GOD- PUT IT ON QUEER AS FOLK- I NEED MY BRIAN KINNEY FIX!!! It wouldn't go over too well.

3) I have a couch- I'm actually sleeping on it. I like how there's not a lot of room to move around and it just had this cool and edgy feeling to it.

Other college observations-
I need to stop getting injured. I got a concussion doing a Spinaroonie. I threw out my back doing a cartwheel. I've got to stop hurting myself.

The food isn't that bad. I mean I like it. I'm also really good at being cheap and conserving my money. I have $900 CND left on my meal plan.

There's two grocery stores next to me and one has chicken cutlets.

Sociology is a joke. I like the English class. Journalism is okay, French licks my dick and Politics has its moments.

Next week I go in depth and give you- THE WEEK IN THE LIFE OF A COLLEGE STUDENT.


Cold Opening
Cast- Chris Parnell, Darrell Hammond
Thoughts- Parnell rocks the Brokaw so I always can dig that sucka. Speaking of suckas- What the fuck is up with Booker T?? I mean this dude busts his all those years, makes wearing breathe right strips look semi-cool, is a good worker, has a catchphrase AND a signature move yet he jobs to the Island Boys in his hometown. Anyway- this skit gave me hope that SNL will use Iraq as a comedic device for the war. Offensive humour so totally rules!!! Good stuff and of course- Darrell doing an impression is some conspiracy.

Cast- Matt Damon, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Chris Kattan
Thoughts- Hi SNL- the word monologue means- a dramatic sketch performed by one actor. Now- Chris Kattan and Maya Rudolph like cancel each other making it two people but seriously- I really don't like when a monologue is used for like another skit. But Matt Damon's Tyson impression blew me away. I mean Tyson grew up in upstate New York and Damon is from Massachusetts so I guess the accents could cross or something. While season five of NewsRadio did suck more then Mayhew- at least it did have Max Lewis teaching about accents. That said- the actual skit was kinda funny and the Tyson impression made me happier then a gay boy going to confession. ***1/4

Cast- Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz
Thoughts- Making fun of the NRA- gotta love it. I'm almost eighteen and I swear to God- I'm buying a gun. I mean sure there's a chance of like killing someone but come on- anytime someone is pissing you off you just think- haha- this dude better watch it- cause I have a gun. (Goes to listen to Bullet the Blue Sky)***3/4

Brian Fellows
Cast- Damon, Tracy Morgan, Sanz,
Thoughts- Let's play a game or I guess a question that will reveal your brainpower.

You're the dude who decides what skits to run for the week. You remember last May you ran a Brian Fellows Safari Planet. You remember hearing the crickets chirp and the mumbling of an apathetic crowd probably going: This is Will Ferrell's last show- shouldn't like a skit with him be on right now? Now do you propose this skit for the episode IMMEDATELY after that??

I picked no. That said BFSP is pretty much a dead character. Tracy goes out there, says his name, brings out a guest, gets pissed, second guest comes out, Tracy yells something at the first guest who he got mad at. Now I'm not saying repetition is bad. Look at O'Reilly- watching his show you know you are getting- Talking Points, segment about talking points, personal story, factor follwup, controversial story, ridiculous item and the mail. But on BFSP- it's amusing and I do crack a smile but it's like try something new. Why? Because whenever they try something new it BOMBS and then Lorne Michaels maybe like: Whoa- this skit does blow and we will never ever see BFSP again. *3/4

Cast- Fallon, Sanz, Seth Meyers
Thoughts- haha Carrot Top got shot. Someone saw Chairman of the Board. Remember on Conan when Norm said: The board is spelled b-o-r-e-d. This skit was amusing and Carrot Top did get shot so it's over like rover. Now one has to ask the question and Bob Barron does ask the hard questions- Why no gecko from Geiko. I mean- Jimmy Fallon shooting a gecko is almost as funny as that scene in the movie Addicted to Love where the old lady tells Meg Ryan that her tits are as hard as a rock. ***

Bahston Teens
Cast- Damon, Fallon, Rachel Dratch, Horatio Sanz
Thoughts- Well you had to know they were gonna do this being that he is from Bahston and all. My question- we all know Seth is from Massachusetts in him so why isn't he in this skit? This was a lot better then the suckery that was the Mosely one. I think cause in that skit I was going: who is Johnny Mosely and why should I give a fuck about him? Anywho- Damon was funny, Fallon was funny, Sanz was funny and I enjoyed the spoof of Dancer in the Dark. ***3/4

Nutri Quick-
Cast- Parnell, Meyers, Jeff Richards, Dean Edwards
Thoughts- DEAN!~ Man- how the fuck did he come back?
Jerry Minor: Tell me about it.
Anywho Parnell plays the smarmy bastard so well that you can't just help laughing. I mean Parnell could be playing smarmy bastard and telling me the Braves lost and I'd be like: hahaha funny. This skit he didn't have a lot of material to work but his smarmy bastardness and the presence of Dean Edwards carried it to- **1/4

Hannibal Goes to College
Cast- Damon, Sanz, Meyers, Fred Armison
Thoughts- Umm if Hannibal is so smart- why did he go to Michigan St? Umm if Hannibal is British- why did he go to Michigan St.? Umm if Hannibal likes fava beans- okay that one didn't work. Holy new guy Batman. Just a reminder- it took me till November to tell Seth and Jeff apart so it may take me awhile to tell Armison and Forte apart. Do you think Will Forte ever tells people what his forte is? This skit was mildly amusing and had me cracking and it gets extra stars for not having Darrell play Hannibal!

Darrell: It's all a big conspiracy! They don't care, they don't fucking care. Now where is my ID??


Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Thoughts- In keeping with the times that this album was "inspired" by 9.11 (Translation: Hey New Yorkers: Still feeling blue- by my CD and be happy!) I believe this song was about that time on 9.11 when there were explosions in Afghanistan and no one knew WTF was going on. Whatever- Bruce looked like he had problems with the microphone while I looked like I was going: Bring on my Faith next week!**3/4

Cast- Damon, Fey, Fallon, Meyers, Fred Armisen
Thoughts- Seth!!!! Weekend Update!!!! Seth on Weekend Update!!! Seth Meyers always delivers on Weekend Update. I'm like praying that one day Jimmy is replaced by the awesome power of Seth Meyers.
Jess of But then I'd be screwed.

My girl Tina, who has hugged me on three separate occasions, was looking HOT tonight. The new guy (I don't know who is who) was right- Latins do have the best well you know. The latino was funny, Seth and Damon ROCKED, Tina was bringing the funny and well Jimmy sucked but after 40 episodes I've come to expect that.

As a tribute to the Venezuelan dude here is my review en espanol-

Seth! Actualización Del Fin de semana. Seth Meyers entrega siempre en la actualización del fin de semana. I.m tienen gusto de rogar que una barreta del día es substituida por la energía impresionante de Seth Meyers.

Jess de Pero entonces me atornillarían

Mi muchacha Tina, que me ha abrazado en tres ocasiones separadas, parecía caliente esta noche. El nuevo individuo (No sé quién es quién) correcto- Latinos tiene el mejor pozo que usted sabe. El latino era divertido, Seth y Damon oscilado, Tina traía la barreta divertida y bien aspirada pero después de que cuarenta episodios yo hayan venido contar con eso.


Now just in case they speak Portugese in Venezuela here is a version in Portugese-

Seth!!!! Update Do Fim de semana!!!! Seth no update do fim de semana!!! Seth Meyers entrega sempre no update do fim de semana. I.m gostam de praying que um jimmy do dia está substituído pelo poder awesome de Seth Meyers.

Jess de Mas a identificação seja parafusada então.

Minha menina Tina, que me abraçou em três ocasiões separadas, estava olhando quente hoje à noite. O guy novo (eu não sei quem é quem) era latins direitos tem o mais melhor poço que você sabe. O latino era engraçado, Seth e Damon balançado, Tina trazia o jimmy engraçado e bom sugado mas depois que quarenta episodes vêm esperar aquele.

Weekend Update gets **** BTW.

Scientist and Damon
Cast- Damon, Parnell, Poehler, Hammond, Morgan, Edwards
Thoughts- Warren G. Harding once said: Any skit with three people named Matt Damon, a guy named Ben Affleck, a girl named Pat Damon and someone named Dr. J well that just equals hilarity. President Harding while not a good president is also not a great prognosticator. While the skit didn't suck, it did not equal hilarity like Mr. Harding promised. He got his karma though when he died in 1923. This skit was mildly amusing and was short enough to not piss me off. **

Donatella Versace
Cast- Morgan, , Sanz, Rudolph, Poehler, Meyers, Edwards
Thoughts- This was me at the time:
Ow my back!!!! Sucks to be a Yankee fan. Oooo the show is back. Hey look- Seth. Oh shit- Amy. A Seth AND Amy skit?? Whoopity woo! Oh- here comes Maya. Damn. Damnit. Oh boo. Tracy- damn. DEAN!~ It's Dean Edwards. Awesome. Woo-hoo!!! Haha Horatio is playing Rosie. Ow my back. That's funny cause they're both fat. But Rosie isn't Latino. I want Seth and Amy back. That my friends is what goes in my brain when I see a skit that gets- **1/2

The Smurfette
Thoughts- Hey Smigel is back. My friend once wrote a paper on the Smurfs being Communist. I've got a question- why is Smurfette the only Smurf that aged? I mean shouldn't Grandpa Smurf be Dead Smurf or something. This wasn't as good as previous Smigel efforts. **1/4

Thoughts- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz _*

Sex Robot
Cast- Damon, Hammond, Parnell, Poehler
Thoughts- Amy looked hot, Hammond was gay, Parnell was Parnell and Damon made a crack about the fashion police. The problem with mediocrity is that I got nothing to work with. Stupid SNL. **1/4

Dr. Phil
Cast- Rudolph, Poehler, Richards \
Thoughts- Dr. Phil is this dude who got big on Oprah and also helps attorneys pick jurors. He also bears a striking resemblance to Jefferey Tambor, the sidekick from Larry Sanders. Santa Clause being dressed down was pretty and the Dr. Phil show is funny in itself so yea- smack a ***1/4 on it.



The Bottom Line- Braves won, Yankees lost so I really could care less if this show was good. But the Avg. skit was 2.7 stars making it a mild thumbs up. Not too much crap tonight or nothing spectacular- just mediocrity all the way. I cut them slack- it'd kinda hard the first week, I won't mind if they keep putting out shows like this even though it may get a little dull.

Just a reminder- To reply to question of the week or be in the mailbag- email me at

Thumbs Up