Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce
May 17, 2003

By The Doc

FROM THE OFFICES OF "THE DOC"...

...Y'know on 2nd thought, screw this whole "Doc" business. Nobody understands the reference anymore, anyway...


Hello, My name is Justin Kaplowitz, and for the past 4 years, I've been doing SNL episode reviews for both saturday-night-live.com and most recently snltv.com. Today, it's about time for me to "pull up stake" and take my business elsewhere. If anyone out there is coming in this late in the game, and wondering why I'm leaving the SNL review Circuit after tonight, the answer is quite simple...College. Since College is going to consume a majority of my free time, I'm going to have work to do up the yin-yang, and this is going to mean that I'm going to have very little (If Any) time for these reviews. But this doesn't mean that I'll be leaving the SNL group for good. I may make a few "Comeback Specials" every now and then, but some things wind up taking a higher priority than others.

Now forgive me a bit if this review seems to be a little more low-key than my usual reviews, or even if I sound just a little mellowdramatic, and also forgive me if this whole thing turns out to be a big "Me, Me, Me" Narcisism thing. But I did mention last week that this review was going to be "Different", Just once I'd like to do this as "Myself". And before we even get to the review, It is fitting to mention however, that I wouldn't have been able to do this without the support of a number of people. There are literally hundreds of people to thank, but due to time restrictions and potential Carpal Tunnel Syndrome Nightmare, I can only paire the thank-you's down to a handful. So I'm going to thank them right now so that I don't forget to do so later.

First and foremost, I'd like to thank Sean Bradley for creating a forum where people can be as loose as they can in expressing their opinions about the show. To Hugh Deloney for creating a 2nd, looser forum where people can (Really) Talk about the show, and is "Link Friendly" if you know what I mean. To Mark Polishuk, who was kind enough to let me "Steal his bit" from last year by headlining sketches with quotes from "The Simpsons". (BTW, if anyone out there wants to use them, they're up for grabs.) To Patrick Lonergan and the entire "Staff" of "Saturday Night You", Thanks to them I've consolodated my sketches into a TV Sketch comedy pilot that probaly isn't good enough for even the lowly UPN. (RIMSHOT) And of Course, my Wonderful Friends, Family And both my current & Ex-Girlfriends...Which at this point ! are now just Girlfriend, Friend, Friend, Deranged Stalker & Occasional Sex Buddy/Third party in a "Menage a tois". ("I'M JUST KEEDING!")  for supporting whatever Crazy Venture I have ever gotten into over the years. And of course, eternal thanks to both Almighty God & Buddha.

There's another group of people to thank, but I'm going to save that for later. Right now, let's free a couple of minds one more time, hit it girls...

SINGERS: "Free Your Miiiiiiiiiind, And the rest will follow..."

Our first of the last comes from Jenavive (<mailto:FrapaSnapple@aol.com>FrapaSnapple@aol.com) She writes in and says:

Hey, I read your reviews, youre a funny guy and you're young so that's a plus. My name is Jenaveave and im 17. Im a movie NUT and im mad about SNL, I really like to listen to music and I sleep an awful lot. I live in colorado and like to snowboard and stuff anyway so I wanna know more about you thats why i'm emailing you - have a good night/day ...

later days
~Jen-a-veave~

Dear Jen,

I'm pretty much like you, Minus The living in Colorado and the Snowboarding. Basically that's the info about me, (That I can give out over the internet anyway.) that and the fact that I'm unfortunately "Off the shelf" if you know what I mean. Sorry, sugah.

"Your Resident Pimp"
"The Doc" (Notice I'm still using that handle as a signature.)

What's probably going to be my last letter ever comes to me from Katie Mordhorst. (<mailto:k8tie55@aol.com>k8tie55@aol.com) This is more of an interview than a letter...

Hi, I am doing a research paper on Saturday Night Live, and I need someone to interview, so if you could answer some of my questions is would be a big help, if you want to leave one blank, go ahead, or you have questions, please email me, it's down to the last minute, so if you could answer my questions it would really help me out. (My answers are in Bold)

Thanks, Katie Mordhorst

Your Welcome, "The Doc"

1. What do you eat for breakfast? (NutriGrain Bar & Coffee)

2. What,s your favorite board game? (Hungry, Hungry Hippos)

3. Do you want to work in comedy? (Not really, I actually want to get into Radio.)

4. If so, who/what is your inspiration? (No Comment)

5. A (few) favorite cast member(s) of all time: (Every one of them except for the 1980 cast)

6. Favorite sketch/ recurring character of all time: (Geez, thats a tough one. If you had to put a weapon of mass destruction against my head however, I would say The Festrunk Brothers)

7. Did the chicken or the egg come first? Why? (No comment)

8. Is the glass half full or half empty? (If it's a glass of Jack Daniels, consider it gone.)

9. Who is your favorite character in the godfather? (The Godfather)

10. Who is your favorite super hero of all time? ("Spidey", man!)

11. What are your feelings on nougat? (The only good nougat is Ted Nougat!--Cheap Joke.--Seriously, the best nougat around is the one in "3 Muskateers" bars.)

12. Which do you prefer: Pens/Pencils, Butter/Margarine, Boxers/Briefs/Bikinis/Thongs? (Pens, Butter, Boxers on Me, bikinis and/or thongs on the ladies.)

13. Do you find people getting hurt funny? (Only if they don't suffer in the long run.)

14. Do you sleep with your covers tucked in tight, or loose, or anywhere on the bed? (This is getting pretty personal, isn't it?)

15. How do you choose what sketches/recurring characters to put on the show? (How do I know? I'm not a writer!)

16. Have you ever seen SNL live? (No, But I have seen SNL's studio on NBC's studio tour in New York.)

17. Do you have any criteria for choosing favorite cast members? (Be funny, and make sure that your recurring character does a maximum of 10-15 appearances and does not repeat itself within 2 weeks of a past performance. Any more would be overkill...Kattan, I'm looking in your direction...)

18. Do you think SNL opened the door for political satire, and controversial issues/words to be on tv?
(Yes on political satire. No, on controversial words. I think Cable TV has pretty much done that.)

And that's where the interview ended. Anyway, If you'd like to "Free Your Mind", Forget it! Seriously, if you wanna check up on me every now and then, or even consult me for any kind of advice, my box is always open at <mailto:tvnutboy@yahoo.com>tvnutboy@yahoo.com

But in the midst of all this hoopla and "Last Hurrah", (Not just mine, But--supposedly--Chris Kattan's & Tracy Morgan's as well) there is still a review to do. And one of the greatest cast members ever is on hand for it, despite him calling hosting the show "Bad Luck", (And at the rate this whole season has been going, "Bad Luck" is the last thing SNL Needs.) He's hosting it anyway. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Dan Aykroyd...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hardball or "You so Cra-zay"

Funny, I was expecting Aykroyd to do Bob Dole. To a lesser extent, I was expecting Kattan to play Paul Begala one last time, shows what I know, right? This was one of the better Hardball's I've seen in a long time. "Sharpton" wasn't as big a Crazy Train as his last few showings, Parnell was the winner of the trip to the loony bin. But the real shame in this, is that Tracy has never once uttered "LFNY". (Well, technically once, but it ended with a comment about J-Lo's "Sweet pooper".) Just goes to show you how things can be brought down by "The Man"

Diagnosis: ***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monolouge or "Music is none of my Business"

I'd like to share with you an excerpt from Tom Shales' "Live From New York" book. This was Dan Aykroyd's opinion on if he ever wanted to Host SNL:

"You know, it's a funny kind of little I-don't-know-what, but I don't want to host. I'm a superstitious guy, like I have these little things in life-- I won't fly on the 13th, I don't go under ladders, and if a black cat crosses my path I'll chase it with a white spray gun or something. And I just really actually would prefer to be remembered as a cast member, formerly, a 'Not ready for prime time Player'. I came in and did dole, I did Haig, I did the thing with John Goodman when we were doing the Blues Brothers revival. I'll sort of fill in and play music and be a part of the show, but I just want to be remembered as a cast member, not host. I know it's kind of strange. If they need me, we'll do the ghost of Nixon haunting Bush, or Dole anytime you want, or Carter or a conehead. I'll come back and help, but I just want to be remembered as a cast member, that's all."

...And sure enough, yet another literary work is discredited. Actually, in recent interviews, Dan says that the only reason as to why he's never hosted was because he didn't have a monolouge prepared. Well despite this monolouge being a front for "The Blues Brothers", (Or an unreasonable facsimile.) it was still good watching. Despite Danny and Jim looking like saggy baggage, it was one of the best monolouges I've seen in a long time.

Diagnosis: ****
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top O'the Morning or "Hey everybody, we're going to have dinner! Come on out Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermott, Jordan, Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumer, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe, Chloe, Max, Hunter, Kendall, Katlin, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, Ian, Lauren, Q-Bert, Phil..."

Whew! (IRISH ACCENT) Ay, Me fingers hurt! The SNL guys must really love their "Monty Python" (Ever see "The Meaning of Life"?) I'm guessing that those flashbacks at the begining were Live, because as usual, Jimmy was Cracking up. Throwing around eggs were good for a laugh, especially if they don't land on Target. I think they were meant for Dan. And those holes in the Punching wall must be getting bigger by the show, having a child fit in there is a Child Welfare problem waiting to happen. All in all, I'd toast "TOTM" but my infamous "St. Pats Day Brew bash" episode review put an end to that.

Diagnosis: ****
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Buddy Mills or "Oh no, we just ran over Don Rickles" "I'm OK, I'm a nice guy..."

See, becaue Don Rickles is a hammy comedian just like buddy mills is supposed to be...

AUDIENCE: We Get it!

...Oh and By the way, I'm going to miss you Audience. If it weren't for you guys, It'd be a lot quieter 'round here, thanks a lot...

AUDIENCE: Thank you, Justin!

And who would've thought that the last time Kattan would do Buddy Mills would be his best attempt at it...Well, I would because it's his last show. Fred was once again the "Silent Partner" in making this one good. It'd be intersting to see a sketch with just him. One can only hope. Godspeed, Buddy Mills. I hope you get that "Schlort" the way you always wanted it.

Diagnosis: ** 3/4
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Falconer or "Oh, Stomach Churning...Bowels Clenching...Not much time...Must finish!"

And this ladies and Gentlemen is what we call "Overkill", when a recurring sketch repeats itself within 2 weeks or less of the previous one. Which either means that The people like it, or we're just waiting for that moment to throw our tomatos up on stage. I'll let you decide which one. But it actually wasn't that bad, considering Mr. John Goodman makes an appearance. But more than that is the fact that the Falcon is just like any of us, Loud, Lazy & Surly. And the fact that he was in a leather jacket just solidifys my point.

Diagnosis: ** 1/2
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TV Funhouse or "Get that Dog, I want to make him my Executive Vice President."

I've noticed something over the years, Smigel's 2nd to last cartoon of the year is always good, while the last one is always bad/bizzare. Anyone else notice that? Adam McKay must've been behind some of this, (Didn't have time to read the credits) It looked like his style. and speaking of Bad/Bizzare, mark this one in the history books folks, this one get's my very last (ECHO) "Oy Vey of the Day!" ever. Which reminds me... (TURNS OVER TO TALK TO AN OLD JEWISH MAN WHO REPRESENTS "OVOTD") "Oy" you've served me well over these past 4 years, is there anything you'd like to say before we're through?

OY: "Oy Vey!"

JUSTIN: That's it?

OY: "Go Jankees"

JUSTIN: Are you Jewish or Puerto Rican? Anyway, You can go to Boca now. Take care!


Back to the sketch, this was gave me the impression that Smigel isn't even trying anymore. also I have a feeling that after seeing this, Ben Afleck and/or J-Lo won't be coming back to SNL anytime soon...Yahoo!

Diagnosis: 0*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Versace or "Come to Homer's BBBQ, The extra 'B' is for BYOBB." "What's that extra 'B' for?" "It's a typo".

One of the rare time where this is funny. Due in part to Jeff's Seldom seen "David Letterman" & John's "Anna Nicole". But otherwise it's the same boring Versace sketches it's always been.

Diagnosis: **
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beyonce`:

Y'know, I've been putting off doing this part of the review for 4 years, and y'know what. I think it's about time that I finaly review a muiscal act. I hope Sir Mix-a-lot was watching, cause maybe he can finally write a follow-up to "Baby got Back" I quote Tina Fey when I say "Look at that ass, it's like a Cherry bomb!".

Diagnosis:... Yeah Right, I haven't given a review of a musical guest for 4 years, you think I'm going to start now? Ha, Ha, Made'ya Read!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update or "Now over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that, for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so...The following people are Gay..."

Allright, we all know who we're talking about, The master of sexual Ambiguity...No not Ace & Gary, Mr. Chris Kattan. After 7 years and Apx. 3,952 gay jokes later, the guy just doesn't give up. Oh well, at least we all got to see Mango one last time...At least until the movie comes out on July 19th 2007. (Date Pending) As for the rest of the Update, Drunk Gi4rl was the only thing killing it. But otherwise, it's a great ending to a so-so update year.

Diagnosis: ***
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Jones or Sir, we've run into a serious problem with the mission. These nielsen Ratings are the lowest ever." "Oh my god, we've been beaten by...A Connie Chung Christmas!!!"

And that's your daily Irony suplement for the day, which in itself is Ironic. Overshadowing this being kattan's last show, it is also Tracy's last show. The only good thing about this one was that everyone just broke out of character for a second. I'm supprised that Beyonce` wasn't up for doing this. She would've looked good in that git-up that Maya was wearing.

Diagnosis: ** 1/2
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dog Restaurant or "Think about it Smithers, If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you do?" "Um...If YOU did it, sir...?"

If I only didn't use up that last "Oy Vey", I'd be in business. This had to be one of the most bizzare SNL sketch that I actually liked, As I've mentione in previous posts, I work at a Pet Store, so it's easy for me to like it. It might've made more sense if they used actual dogs for it. But they probably would've barked off cue. I did like the whole "Ban on Butts" thing, mainly because Cigarettes are also called "Butts", so there's another dose of Irony. That and I think Tina is hot even in doggie ears.

Diagnosis: **
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ass Powder or "Mrs. Simpson, if you set out to push the bile to the tip of my throat, Mission accompleshed!"

Now I really wish that I hadn't sent "Oy" to Florida, The show was doing so well, and then this had to happen. I don't know if SNL was trying to prove that just having Danny there would just make the show all the more funnier. And for my sake, I hope that wasn't a tapeworm being pulled out of Danny's Ass.

Diagnosis: *
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grand Diagnosis: ***

Prescription:
Better than the whole year combined

Season Diagnosis: ** 1/2

Season Prescription: Somehow I have this nagging feeling that SNL is only going to slide deeper from here. Tracy & Kattan leaving is a good move for the show, But If they want to get better, they must get rid of the following people: Horatio, Maya, Chris Parnell & even veteran Darrell Hammond. I'd go with Jimmy as well, but he's under contract. spend the summer scouring the various "Second City" stages in Chicago & Toronto, and everything will be OK again. As for Tracy & Kattan, I once again wish them all the very best with whatever the hell they got coming up. I know tracy has a sitcom coming this fall on NBC, while Kattan will be keeping the Mango Costume all to himself. Finally, All I know is that there's nowhere else to go but up, and I know SNL can do that.


Anyway before I leave, I mentioned at the top of the review that I have "Someone Else" to thank, but first, A little background info. Some casual readers might have noticed this year, that I end every review with a "Dedication". (Y'know, "This review is dedicated to all the men and women of America...") Truth be told, it's not an "Original" Idea. See, There's this Radio personality in New York City named Dan Ingram, formerly of station WABC, currently with station WCBS-FM, He's been working in New York Radio since 1961.

He has this thing called "The Honor Group of the Day", Where He names a random group of people with a certain quirk as a Psudo-person/people of the day. That's sort of what I've been doing this past year, from "People who think Handshaking is a contact sport," to "People who are 'Simpsons' Fans", to "People who foolishly bet on the Oakland Radiers in the Super Bowl", etc. I think of it as an Homage to people who have been through many "Little Things" in life, for it's these very "Little things" that makes it all big. And now, I have one last dedication that I want to shout out to the world, and this is the "Someone Else" that I'm talking about...

This Review is dedicated to all the Men And Women Of Ameirca...Period! 


Because if it wasn't for any of you who have either skimmed through my reviews, or sent me a letter--Good or Bad--over the years, I would've never have been here for so long. I realize that all of these reviews have been voluntary to begin with, but it's your support that's kept me doing this for as long as I have, And I Thank You...


Finally, As I sweep up my last spotlight, I have just one last thing to share with you. I'm never one for words of wisdom or anything, but I thought I'd leave you with this pearl...

(RealOne/RealPlayer 8 Required, unless you like to hear Radio DJ Banter, skip about 1:30 & stop at around 4:45.)

<http://musicradio.computer.net/images/finalpcm.ram>http://musicradio.computer.net/images/finalpcm.ram

And on that note it's finally time for me to get out of your hair. And so for the very last time, (For a while, that is) "The Doctor is out...And Gone!" Goodbye folks, and thanks for watching.

(JUSTIN DON'S HIS RAY-BAN SUNGLASSES AND "YANKEES" CAP, HOPS INTO HIS RESTORED'68 MUSTANG, TURNS ON IGNITION, AND ZOOMS OFF INTO THE SUNSET FOR PARTS UNKNOWN.)

JUSTIN: Peace Out, Y'alllllllllllllllll!!! (VOICE TRAILS OFF)

(FADE OUT)

(THE END)