Jon Stewart / India.Arie
March 9, 2002


I was at the dress rehearsal for this show- yay me.
For those of you reading this at s-n-l.com my trip
report to SNL entitled: Amy says shit, Tina says dick
and Abe Vigoda too is below.

Ugh its time for the Sports Report-

Devils- Whatever. They're just content to play .500
hockey and if they turn it up in the playoffs I have
no problem with that. Tied for 7th with Candiens.
Leafs- Well Cujo is gone but they're hanging tough.
Please, please, please trade for Richter. Fourth place
in conference
Canucks- WTF happened???? As high as 6th and back down
to tenth. Four points out- time to step up
Nets- Lost four in a row. Please MacCullouch come back
soon

Mailbag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul Sporer psporer24@yahoo.com writes-

I've only got to see clips of the Factor sketch from
the Factor itself and it looked HILARIOUS, but you're
right on about O'Reilly being the man. Too bad none of
the other dolts that reviews can see this. I guess
they just don't understand. Paul

It was hilarious but the crowd was just dead. I mean-
fuck sakes guys- CNN sucks. What is the point of
Headline News??? Orginially the point was- quick news
when you need it. Well the internet makes HN fucking
worthless. I mean- all any jackass has to do is go to
www.cnn.com Boom-right there!!

Wanna be in the mailbag?? Email me at
philhartmanrip@yahoo.com

Just a note- everytime I go to a dress I'm really
excited and happy and I tend to over-inflate skit
ratings. So there ya' go.

I'm also doing them the order and way I saw them in
dress. The News and Jazz skit was changed a bit

Dick Cheney
Cast- Darrell Hammond
Thoughts- I guess Darrell isn't dead. Chew on that for
a bit. Good to see him back and seriously- WHERE THE
FUCK IS CHENEY??? I mean I like W. better but I like
to know where my veeps are. This was really funny and
a good way to open the show. ****1/4

Monologue
Cast-Jon Stewart
Thoughts- Ellen did this in December. I love these
kinds of monologues. I wish they would just do this.
Gays in the military sounded a little too Chris
Rock-ish but other than that this was a
fanfuckingtastic monologue with a very funny guy.
****3/4

Cheese Game
Cast- George Plimpton, Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell
Thoughts- Since I take public speaking I did know who
Mr. Plimpton was and I laughed my ass off when he just
appeared. I have a feeling I've seen this kind of
commercial but whatever- ***1/2

Bloater Brothers
Cast- Stewart, Jimmy Fallon, Parnell, Gasteyer
Thoughts- I usually hate these guys but I guess in ten
months time heals all wounds. Thank you NBC Exec!
Anywho- this was actually pretty funny much to my
shock and surprise, but not dismay. Now if the
Bloaters start showing up on a regular basis- that
wont be cool. Still good stuff. ***1/2

TRL
Cast- Stewart, Fallon, Parnell, Dean Edwards, Seth
Meyers
Thoughts- Lou Pearlman simply for the fact he made
Making the Band which prob got Norm cancelled. Thank
god they didn't use the Carson Daly is a tool thing
and the skit itself was great. Seth Meyers was really
funny for some reason, as was that ass dude. ***1/2

NewsPeople
Cast- everyone but Rachel
Thoughts- For .000000000000005 seconds I was like- Oh
shit- NORM!!!!!!! Even though it wasn't him Jeff
Richards still did a fantastic job of Senor Dave. They
changed the ending a bit in live and some of the
lines. Seeing Tina was awesome. I'll have to
masturbate to Ashley Banfield. I said that last week
and this week Tina plays her. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Still a terrific sketch with all the impressions
kicking ass. ****1/2

Fun with Real Audio
Thoughts- I love Beavis-n-Butthead with a passion.
Seriously these guys rule all. Tina wrote it
too!!!!!!!! The part before b-n-b was ëeh' but b-n-b
made this an amazingly awesome skit of epic
proportions. Well not really but ****

Weekend Update
Cast- Stewart, Fey, Fallon, Kattan, Richards
Thoughts- They cut a lot of stuff which the fine
people (I mean person) at www.fallonfey.com will
surely tell you about. Usual good WU with lots of
tomfoolery on Jimmy's part during dress. Drunk Girl
and Re-enactment was funny so we'll say ****1/4

India Arie
Thoughts- This not bad. Better than Outkast. **1/2

Mel Gibson Movies-
Cast- Stewart, Rudolph, Poehler, Kattan, Edwards
Thoughts- In dress CK getting killed was done really
loud. Ana was actually in What Women Want so O THE
IRONY! This was a pretty funny skit- they could've
been a little more original or something. ***1/4

Jack Handey
Thoughts- it was funny. ***

Talking to the Stars with R-n-D
Cast- Stewart, Morgan, Rachel Dratch
Thoughts- Tracy was a real highlight in this sketch
was is cool since yes I do like him. I got sick of
them mentioning Stewart being on cable so dock it a
bit. Okay stuff here. **

BET Jazz
Cast- Stewart, Morgan, Rudolph, Richards, Edwards
Thoughts- They changed it around for live so I gotta
dock some points. This had a good premise but not a
great execution. Jon Stewart, per the norm, was really
funny so **

India. Arie
Thoughts- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. *

The Bottom Line- This show kicked major ass in majorly
asskicking way. Avg. skit was ***.25 which means this
rocked the body that rocks the party. Stewart was a
great host and I hope he hosts again. Funny fellow
that one.

Thumbs Up

Trip Report-
I know what you're thinking- you could do a standby
for a skiier (guarantee in) or some women named Kylie
(guarantee in) but you're doing a show hosted by a
very popular fellow and a women with seven Grammy
nods. Well- I figured I had to Stewart/dot girl cause
it was the one year anniversary of me doing standby
overnight and meeting all the cast and all that shit.
So let's get started-

I arrived at NBC at 11:50 and when I saw the line-
well I was like: riiiiiiiiiiight. #7 in line. As the
great Hurricane Helms would say: Whazupwitdat. Well
whatever- I still have my good luck charms ready so
Keep Hope Alive. (tm Me) I went in and waited for the
stars to show up. Rob Smigel, I saw, and I would end
up seeing him approx. seven times throughout the
night. At 12:13 the lovely, the beautiful the Tina
Fey came down. I let our LJ fan Jess talk to her but I
did get an autograph and I told her we would burn down
building if her exercise skit was cut. (It was, but I
got to see it) Tina said the word dick in front of me.
Jon Stewart came up and was very nice to us. He
mentioned about doing something on WU which he ended
up doing and I talked with him for a minute. Very nice
guy. Jimmy Fallon came up and I got an autograph for
this girl my friend likes so he could get nookie.
Jimmy found this situation quite amusing. Then a
mega-cool awesome oh my god no way thing occurred-
MARC MOTHERFUCKING SUMMERS!!!!!!!! For those of you
who don't know Marc Summers was the host of what maybe
the greatest kiddie show ever- Double Dare. I was so
nervous but he was very kind and we talked for a bit.
He wrote: Take the physical challenge which makes him
#5 on my list of cool people. I saw Lenny and the
Colin Quinn the Pervert. Lenny almost stole my pen
while Colin joked around with us which was cool. I
also saw Maya who rubbed my shoulder and said I know
what to say to a lady. Do I not ooze machismo????

At around four I went to FYE but while I was walking
there I saw Amy and Parnell. They both remembered me
and Amy and I talked hockey and she said shit. Marisa
Tomei went up for Conan but was a major bitch and
wouldn't sign for me. Some standby got back at her for
being a prick by taking a flash photo right in her
face. That was cool. Sara Paulsen from Leap of Faith
also went up and then I met another cool celeb- Abe
Vigoda. Abe is really old and I talked with him while
pestering him for an autograph. Success! Brandy came
down from COB and I got her autograph as well.

Seth Myers came down at different times and I figure I
most devote a paragraph to him since he his really
funny. His daddy was a Steelers fan so he was pulling
for the Steelers to win and was at the game when the
Pats beat the Steelers. Me: That sucks! He thinks the
BoSox will contend for the wild card but not get it.
Well no shit Sherlock. He doesn't know my name so he
called me Maple Leaf fan since I always wear a Maple
Leafs jersey for good luck. Seth: Sucks about your
Leafs. Six-eight weeks is a long time. Me: We can
still kick your Bruins ass. He came down again and
since he was being attacked by fans and wasn't paying
attention I said: Seth- can you sign Bruins suck?? He
almost did too but then was like: Wait a minute- get
outta here. I'd like to say this- BRUINS SUCK!!!!!!!!1

I saw Darrell who seemed melancholy. When he went
outside the standbys gave him a standing ovation-
which was nice. CK was drunk again, Horatio was cool,
Ana was there. This kid from Portland, Oregon flew all
the way here just to meet her and did-
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Dean and Tracy I saw a couple
times and Rachel was there too. Lorne came up and came
down and I saw Conan and got an autograph. Jimmy came
down and got mobbed by everyone (poor guy) as did Jon
Stewart. They made him leave but he looked like he
wanted to stay. (poor guy) Jeff Richards came down and
did some Bill O'Reilly for us. All told- I met every
cast member and fp that night who was there. I.e.- no
will.

At 7 am I they handed out the tix and was #7 and
resigned myself to the fact I had no chance in holy
hell. I went home to watch Wrestlemania IX and readied
myself for the inevitable but kept hope alive. (tm me)

 

I went back to nbc wearing my braves hat, braves
shirt, pants accompanied with a copy of Dirty Work and
the bible. I figured- maybe my good luck stuff will
work. The page came down and took us up and said we
got in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was wrong and I think
had misinformation. They took five people. So close,
so close, so goddamn close. Me: Is it over??? Page:
No, not yet. Keep hope alive, keep hope alive Then-
Page: Three more people! All together now-
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

The streak had just grown to four shows and I was
ecstatic. My seats were mega fucking awesome too.
Here's what got cut-

Schwenwald Pictures- Jon Stewart pitches his idea to a
studio exec but the studio exec's father only wants
movies with big titties and Yasmine Bleeth. Seth and
Rachel were in it also. **1/2

U2- Bono has superpowers and can save the world with
his music. CK was Bono, Jon Stewart, Seth and Jimmy
made up the rest of U2. Darrell, Tracy, Dean and Maya
were also in this skit. ***1/2

WU- jokes about- The View, Celeb Boxing/Porn, Gary
Condit, Enron, Anne Heche's baby, Diane Sawyer dissing
Letterman, Rudy Guliani's divorce trouble, Whoopi
Goldberg's name, NASA suits for chicks, Smuggling
Pets, Roger Moore playing gay.
They also cut- a terrible reeanctment with CK (they
did two) and Bill Clinton

A Message from Horatio- Horatio sings Don't Worry Be
Happy and shows us clippings of the recent sad events
going on and then shows us happy things like babies
and stuff. I didn't know it wasn't supposed to be
funny until the end.

They cut a skit that featured Tina, Maya and Amy
exercising all showing their midriffs. The skit also
zoomed in (extreme close ups!!!) on their asses. Feel
free to hate me now. *****

CK w/ agent- CK is with his agent who finishes all his
sentences. ***1/4

Jack Handey- DUD

Hope you enjoyed- philhartmanrip@yahoo.com for
feedback.


Episode Review written by Bob Barron


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