Britney Spears
February 2, 2002

Hello, I'm Emily. I'm fourteen and my New Year's resolution was to write
an episode review for every show this year. Unfortunately, my resolution
was hindered by the fact that my computer caught a virus and I broke my
thumb. Yes, my thumb. A long and kind of embarrassing story that involves
the fact that I become very hyper when I drink pop/chocolate/anything with
sugar and the fact that couches have wooden frames.

Um, since this is my first review I should explain how I do reviews. You
can get two points in each of the five categories. Casting- 0 pt if poorly
casted, 2 pt if well casted, 1 pt if okay casted (ex. Jimmy & Horatio in
a sketch together besides Boston Teens. They make each other laugh too
much). Humor- 0 if not funny, 1 if makes me chuckle, 2 if it keeps me
laughing (rare these days) Length- 0 if way too long/short, 1 if a little
too long/short, 2 if perfect. Content(writing)- 0 if awful writing (see
Jack Handey), 1 if poorly executed, 2 if excellent. Overall opinion- 0 if
I hate it, 1 if its okay, 2 if I love it. At the end of the show, I
average the scores.

Uh, I guess I should do a quick breakdown of my opinions of the cast
members this year:

Rachel Dratch- Annoying and kinda creepy. I only like her because of the
Boston Teens and Sheldon.
Jimmy Fallon- HOTT!! Sometimes funny, sometimes not. I don't know anyone
who can chew their hand in as many ways as he can! He needs to learn to
style his hair. He's getting better at Update, and for those of you who
hate him, you gotta admit, he's good at stand-up. He's pretty good at
impressions, but he doesn't look like a lot of the people he impersonates.
I like to make fun of hi during the show.
Will Ferrel- Very funny. I'm upset he's leaving, but he probably would
have gotten on my nerves if he'd have stayed. I like the Klavins, but
again, Rachel annoys me.
Tina Fey- Pretty (I'm a girl, girls are allowed to say other girls are
pretty). I wonder what her scar is from? Good at update, but her weekly
rants are getting tiresome. They say she's too busy being head writer to
be in sketches, but why doesn't she do commercial parodies? Those are
taped ahead of time, so it'd be easy for her to just sneak in there.
Ana Gastayer- She annoys me. She wants to be ìA serious comedian, which
is the biggest oxymoron I've heard in a while. I like Martha Stewart
Living, though.
Darrel Hammond- Good at impressions, but overdoes lisps, accents, etc. if
he is new at one/ hasn't done a particular one in a while. We're starting
to see him in more sketches, but he doesn't usually play the funny
character. I wish he had a recurring sketchÖ
Chris Kattan- Funny as hell, but he's fruit of cake, man. Wait, slash the
funny as hell part. He can be funny, but why do they always put him in
drag, gay characters, or give him fake braces? Mango's gotten old, so has
Mr. Peepers. I probably really would have been annoyed if he didn't leave
this year.
Tracy Morgan- He can be funnyÖ IF WE SEE HIM MORE THAN ONCE AN EPISODE! I
mean seriously, they never use the dude. And if they do, they use him as
himself! I liked Brian Fellows, but again, THEY NEVER USE HIM! Ahem,
Amy Pohler- Pretty. (See Tina Fey) I'd like to see her impressions. She's
only done the one in the Willy Wonka DVD parody, right? I'm happy she's a
full cast member now.
Mya Rudolph- She's kind of annoying. She's good at making funny faces.
Versace makes me laugh, and so does Magen of Wake Up Wakefield. I hate
Gemini's Twin. I hate Destiny's Child, too.
Horatio Sans- Ehhh. Funny as Gobi and Frank. Other than that, he's not
used much, is he?
Dean Edwards- What can I say? Interesting looking. His Chris Tucker
sucked and, uhhhhh, they don't use him much.
Seth Meyers- HOT! Not as hot as Jimmy, though. (Notice I only used one
ëT' and ë!') Funny, too. His Hugh Grant made me laugh. I hope he's a
cast member next year. He's good at sketch comedy, which is good on a
sketch comedy show.
Jeff Richards- FREEAAKKYY. He's weird looking, and has a bizzarly in
shape but chubby body. His Kevin Spacey was good, as was his Gene Hackman
(Willy Wonka, for you uncultured pigs). Other than that, he's not used

Okay, on with the review.

Thought for the week: Hey, maybe you've seen the new anti-drug
commercials? They have Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, Rachael Dratch, and Horatio
Sans. Tina I understand, but everyone thinks Jimmy, Horatio, and Rachael
look like stoners. They shouldn't have casted them. That's like casting
Hugh Hefner and his girlfriends to talk about moral values. That's my
thought for the week.

Freaky Fact: In the Update intro, Tina's carrying a trash bag. Also, WU
has a van similar to the one that supposedly kidnapped a kid in my town (a
local urban legend, but coincidentally, the story from five years ago says
it was stolen from a news station). Tina also grew up in Pennsylvania. As
do I. Did Tina return to PA, steal a van from a local news station, kidnap
a kid, leave him in a van in a plastic bag, only to be filmed disposing of
the evidence with Jimmy? The question still hangs unanswered.

Sorry. Those were the things I'd yell if I ever saw that, uh, great, I'm
out of names. We wont be hearing her in five to ten years because 1. Her
songs suck 2. Her only fans are teenyboppers and middle aged perverts 3.
Her looks will go in about two years 4. Her voice will go soon because she
sings with her throat, not her diaphragm (It makes a HUGE difference on the
strain of your vocal chords and sounds nicer when you sing via diaphragm)
5. She's losing respect of, hmmm, everyone cause she flaunts her silicon
and ass crack around like she's at the legal drinking age. I'd bet money
that there will be a cameo from Justin T. tonight. Oh. Joy. I love N*sync
about as much as I love being attacked by a horde of angry wasps. Why did
Lorne pick HER?

Cold Opening- This is one of my favorite openings this year. Why was Dan
there? Why doesn't he host? I live in a small town, but somehow there is
still a troupe of Mormons (sp?) trying to convert everyone.
Quote- ìGood luck in Hell!
Pts- 9. Minus one for being too short.

Monologue- This one made me laugh. I actually thought it was Britney at
first. Justins cameo was funnier than I thought it would be. Good thing
BS didn't talk much.
Quote- ìI can announce that I am no longer a virgin
Pts- 8. -1 for both humor and opinion

Loose Bear- This one is okay. I don't hate it but I don't like it.
Pts- 7. ñ1 for writing, humor, opinion

Brian Fellows- This is an okay sketch. I liked the devil eye goat better
than the shaving rabbit.
Pts- 7. ñ1 for humor, length, opinion

Barbie Dreamhouse- I really liked this one. Amy looked exactly like a
Barbie doll I used to have. Chris was good as Ken.
Quote- ìSneaky little queen. ìPlastic BITCH!
Pts- 10.

Next week: Jonny Moseley. I didn't know who he was until my cousin told
me. He's an Olympic gold medallist or something. Wait, two sports figures
in one season? Maybe three if the Rock comes in May and if you count him
as a sports figure? Whatever.

Jarrot's Room- You have to catch the vibe on this one. Sometimes Jimmy and
Horatio can pull this one off without laughing. This was kinda one of
those times. Jarrot must be a pretty smart stoner. His D.J. must be dumb
if he doesn't know the queen's name.
Quote- ìWe made it out of a trash can and some PVC piping. Gobi tried it
out last week and passed out for three days.
Pts- 8 -1 for humor and opinion

Camp X-ray- Not written or performed well. Not much to say about it
besides the fact that NO ONE laughed.
Pts- 4 (ouch) -1 for casting, content ñ2 for humor, overall

Martha Stewart- One of my favorite impressions. This one wasn't as funny
as some of the others.
Quote- ìÖ which are easily recognized by their high quality craftsmanship
and that they are the only items in the store without pictures of Nascar
drivers on them.
Pts- 9 -1 humor

Performance- I wont normally grade these, but Britney sounds A LOT worse
live than in her video/ on radio.
Quote- ìBritney, shut up. Your twenty years old. You have breast
implants. You're a friggin woman. (My pregnant cousin who was awoken from
her nap by Britney's moaning.)

Update- Along with the Boston Teens, this is one of my favorite parts of
the show nowadays. Jimmy and Tina have bite when they're having fun. Face
it, they're better than Colin and Norm. AAAAHHHH! Look in the mirror,
Jimmy! FIX YOUR DAMN HAIR! I want to beat you up, man. They seemed to be
having fun, but update was short. Am I the only one who didn't understand
the joke palindrome bit after the Chikolina (sp?) joke? Geraldo Rivera
went on too long.
Quote- ìA new version of female viagra is expected to hit the markets later
this year that gives women faster arousals and better orgasms. Scientists
warn, however, that the increased orgasms might cause Christina Aguilara's
vagina to time travel.
Pts- 9. -1 for length

Astronaut Jones- The only thing that made me laugh was that I sang a song
with a similar tune for our musical. Chris really sucks at nararating. I
miss Chris Parnell. Why was HE fired?
Pts- 3. ñ1 for casting, -2 humor, content, overall

Gemini's Twin- I hate this one. It doesn't make me laugh. Ana looked
pregnant in her outfit during the Goin' Down South song
Pts- 4. ñ2 for humor, content, opinion

Channel 9 news- At first I thought this would be like the J.Lo Bronx news,
but it was surprisingly Britney free. It made me laugh, but nothing stuck
in my head.
Pts- 8 ñ1 for humor and overall

Feb. 23: SNL Sports Extra. Ha. They didn't forget about these.

Performance- I haven't heard this song before, and I hope I never hear it

Leather Man- This one actually made me laugh. It was funny to see Jimmy
get slapped. He was good as the leather salesman. He's getting better at
holding in his laughter. He still can't, but he's getting better. Horatio
was trying to get him to laugh.
Pts- 9 (seems kinda high, but whatever) ñ1 for opinion

Average score: 7.3, or Bush's best grade in high school.
Wow, she actually did better than I expected. Justin's cameo was kinda
funny, Danny A. was there, so it was all good. She wasn't in a few
sketches, so that was cool. Um right, I'll see y'all next week.

Episode Review written by Emily

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