Britney Spears
February 2, 2002


NOTE: THIS IS, IN ACTUALITY, SERENDIPITY33, FORMERLY ALYSSA AURIEMMA. I CHANGED MY NAME, BECAUSE THE OTHER ONE SUCKED ASS. THANK YOU.

Hello. I am pissed at myself because I wanted to get this review in before the Sunday deadline, which, as you can see, worked out FABULOUSLY, and I just cheated on my diet (I had Nutrageous and a Twix-try putting those things in front of you and see what demons they release). So all in all, my life is sucky right now, but thinking about this weeks episode of SNL made me smile, even though I am incredibly tired because staying up to tape SNL threw my body clock into a tailspin. But, anything for Jimmy Fallon, man I'm going to marry, and Seth Meyers, whom I DO NOT want to marry but possibly make my boyfriend. By the Way, I've decided to refer to myself as Ally from now on in my reviews, because saying that I'm Serendipity33 is like Anne Heche calling herself Celestia, the reincarnation of God. It just doesn't work. And the NE Patriots WON THE FRIGGIN SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!

HAS ANYONE SEEN A SKIT W/ JIMMY, HORATIO AND BEN STILLER CALLED THE HEAT IS ON?? IF YOU HAVE, EMAIL ME AND TELL ME WHAT EPISODE IT FIRST AIRED IN!! IT WAS A SHORT FILM BY ADAM MCKAY!!!!!!!!

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ALLY'S MIDSEASON REVIEWS!!!!!! HOORAY!!!

BEST ALL AROUND EPISODE: HUGH JACKMAN/MICK JAGGER
Fantastic episode. Hugh Jackman was a pleasant surprise since I didn't really think he was going to be funny. But the crackpot photographer at Sears made me change my mind.

I can't do best sketch, because I loved them all!!

WORST ALL AROUND EPISODE: DREW BARRYMORE/MACY GRAY
Awful. The only redeeming factor about this entire episode was the monologue, Weekend Update, and the Luvahs (my dream came true...Jimmy shirtless!). Other than that, this episode was just like Drew herself-spacey and made no sense a lot of the time. But I still love Drew, so maybe next time she hosts, she'll do better. Hey! Last year I said that the worst episode all year was the Tom Green episode. Married couples (well, formerly married couples) go hand in hand!

BEST ALL AROUND HOST: HUGH JACKMAN
He was just hilarious and no one expected him to be so funny!

WORST ALL-AROUND HOST (TIE): DREW BARRYMORE AND DEREK JETER
The rest of the show was great, but Derek Jeter cannot act. At all. Go back to the ballfield, please. And I already blasted Drew, so I'll spare her here.

BEST ALL AROUND MONOLOGUE: ELLEN DEGENERES
Fantastic, and it was a MONOlogue, not DIAlogue. Loved the spike she made at Anne. Crazy freak...

WORST ALL AROUND MONOLOGUE (tie): DEREK JETER AND JOSH HARTNETT
Derek Jeter just hit balls into the audience. It was okay, but not amazing. And even Jimmy's appearance couldn't save a cute but not funny monologue by Josh.

BEST ALL AROUND WEEKEND UPDATE (TIE): ELLEN DEGENERES AND REESE WITHERSPOON
I say these two because I couldn't imagine how hard it was to come up with obscure news for the season opener. Poor Jimmy and Tina! And singing "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" to Rudy Giuliani. Classic!

BEST ALL AROUND UPDATE COMMENTARY (TIE): DRUNK GIRL, SETH MEYERS, MAYA ANGELOU AND RUDY GIULIANI
All of these were so good, I couldn't pick one! Jeff hitting on Jimmy as the girl with too much tequila in her system was absolutely hilarious, Seth is setting himself up to become the next Jimmy Fallon (I'm sorry but it's true!) and Maya Angelou with her STUPID cards! I already talked about the WU w/ Giuliani.

WORST ALL-AROUND UPDATE: JOSH HARTNETT/PINK
I was shocked at how unfunny this was. And Jimmy looked so good, too! The only good joke was the one about the legwarmers.

WORST ALL AROUND WEEKEND UPDATE COMMENTARY: HENLEY AND STYLES TAPE DELAY
Just stupid. It was funny for the first hour.

BEST ALL AROUND COLD OPEN: SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT/SUM 41: BUSH ADDRESSES BIN LADEN
Just hilarious, and under the circumstances!! I loved how this was the day before the attacks in Afghanistan started up.

WORST ALL AROUND COLD OPEN: DREW BARRYMORE/MACY GRAY DICK CHENEY FROM AFGHANISTAN
I didn't like it that much. Funny, but still, not as funny as it could've been

CARTOON THAT MADE ME WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT: MY BIG THICK NOVEL
Never again Lorne. Never again, please????

BEST CARTOON: THE X-PRESIDENTS IN AFGHANISTAN
Just hilarious. THIS is comedy at its grossest and finest!

BEST THAT JIMMY HAS LOOKED THIS YEAR, NOT ON/ON WEEKEND UPDATE: DREW BARRYMORE/MACY GRAY and HUGH JACKMAN/MICK JAGGER
Just look at the Luvahs sketch and you'll see my point. Just delish! And the Hugh Jackman episode was the first one after the abysmal hairdo during the Jeter episode, and he HAD GOTTEN A HAIR CUT!!!! YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH!!!!!!

WORST THAT JIMMY HAS LOOKED THIS YEAR NOT ON/ON WEEKEND UPDATE: JOSH HARTNETT/PINK and DEREK JETER/BUBBA SPARXXX AND SHAKIRA
He just looked really greasy in the first one, and just watch the second one, words can't express how awful he looked. But I still love him.

NOW THAT THAT'S DONE, ON TO THE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!

PRESHOW THOUGHTS: Ah, Britney Spears. What can I say. I like her! I think she's very talented, if she didn't lipsynch all of her songs you will notice she's actually a very good singer. And she's got a fabulous body (I CAN SAY THAT!! I'M STRAIGHT!). I'm not lying. I want her abs. She's here tonight to promote her new movie, CROSSROADS. And I hear that Justin T. and Dan Akryoyd will be on the show to support her. Yippee.

COLD OPEN: OLYMPIC WOMEN'S DOWNHILL SKIING
SYNOPSIS: A young American, Tiffany Lane (Amy) is competing in the final round of the women's downhill when she is surrounded by two Mormon spokesmen (Will and Dan Akryoyd) who try to convert her to the Church of the Latter-Day Saints.
THE WORD: Very funny, and refreshing to not see a political opener. Dan Akryoyd is here as promised and he didn't fail me!! SETH MEYERS SAID "THE LINE"?? WHAAAAA?? Jimmy had to wait four friggin years!!!
FAVE QUOTES: "Do you accept Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints?"
"Good luck in hell!"
GRADE: A-

MONOLOGUE
SYNOPSIS: Britney is upstaged by a man dressed up and claiming to be her (Chris Kattan) before Justin Timberlake resolves the conflict.
THE WORD: When Chris came out at the beginning, I had no clue that that was him. I just thought, why the heck does she have her head down??? And then when "Slave" came on and he lifted his head up, I was dying! Very funny monologue, and Justin was great with the wincing and stuff.
FAVE QUOTES: "Kattan, you've got to stop doing that man!"
"Well, I think I can say that I'm no longer a virgin, thank you!"
GRADE: B+

COMMERCIAL: LOOSEBEAR
SYNOPSIS: A hallucinogen that makes constipated people imagine they are being chased by a bear, which makes them poop.
THE WORD: I loved this the last time it was on, and it didn't fail me this time!
FAVE QUOTES: "I just got the crap scared out of me!"
"LooseBear! Get scared sh*tless!"
GRADE: A

BRIAN FELLOW'S SAFARI PLANET
SYNOPSIS: A very stupid man (Tracy Morgan) interviews an owner of the Santa Barbara Zoomobile who brought a bunny (Britney Spears) and the owner of a donkey (Dean Edwards)
THE WORD: I only liked what Brit was doing with her voice, other than that, stupid stupid stupid! Was Tracy wearing lipstick or something?
FAVE QUOTES: "It should do what you say it does!"
GRADE: C+

INSIDE BARBIE'S DREAM HOUSE
SYNOPSIS: While arguing with Skipper (Britney Spears) about her plans for a Pajama Fun Party, Barbie (Amy) accidentally lets it slip that she is in fact Skippers MOTHER, not sister.
THE WORD: I always liked Skipper better than Barbie anyway! This was hilarious, and I loved how they were holding their hands when they were sitting-straight out and unbending. I also was laughing when they held their legs up really high. Chris Kattan is either gay or very comfortable with his heterosexuality. The best was when Amy slapped Britney.
FAVE QUOTES: "No, Kelly and Baby Chrissy aren't my sisters. I had a threeway with some Power Rangers."
"Your father is a Han Solo action figure." "He's not even our scale! What kind of slut ARE you?!"
"Sneaky little queen!"
GRADE: A

NEXT LIVE EPISODE ON MARCH 2ND, 2002: JONNY MOSELEY W/ TBA MUSICAL GUEST
Wow, another athlete!?

JARRET'S ROOM
SYNOPSIS: Jarret (Jimmy) and Gobi (Horatio)'s stoner friend that Gobi loves, Summer (Britney Spears), tells us what she's been doing for the last semester, and Jarret tells us that instead of watching the Super Bowl, he and Gobi'll be testing out the Super Bong.
THE WORD: Awesome! I totally thought that Brit was going to be a prissy college girl in this one, but I thought wrong! She played a pretty convincing pot head. Jimmy! I always love Jarret's room, but did they have to have the masturbation innuendo w/ Jeff and Kurt Warner. But HA HA THE PATRIOTS WON!!!!! BOO HOO! Great sketch! However, did not beat the best Jarret's room EVER, the one w/ Hugh Jackman.
FAVE QUOTES: "Hey Summer! I got Willy Wonka on DVD." "Oh, no way man! My dad's in the Navy!"
"For you at home, pay close attention. You'll see that Gobi and Summer can carry on an entire conversation, and neither of them has any idea what the other one is saying."
"Look, the inside of my bong froze. A potsicle!"
"Look up in the sky! It's a bong, it's a pipe! It's...SUPER BONG!!" "We made it out of a trash can and some PBC piping. Gobi tried it out last week and passed out for three days!"
"Oh man! That's why Phish kept beating the Washington Generals!"
GRADE: B+

COMMERCIAL: CAMP X-RAY
SYNOPSIS: A parody of tropical paradise advertisements that targets the way that the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay are being treated: like princes.
THE WORD: Very funny, and Darrell's Dick Cheney is the only political figure that appeared on tonight's show! However, Ana's voiceover made it even funnier! But Horatio's comment made no sense.
FAVE QUOTES: "These crazy bastards get it pretty nice down here."
"Camp X-Ray. If it wasn't for the cages, it'd be Club Med."
GRADE: B

A MESSAGE FROM MARTHA STEWART
SYNOPSIS: Martha, the saint of fine living (Ana), addresses her now-bankrupt partner Kmart and makes a subtle plea to Target to buy her products.
THE WORD: Ana is PREGGERS!!!!! YEAAAAAAH! Congrats Ana! This was hilarious, and I love her impression of Martha Stewart, so that's always good. She almost lost her mind by the end of it! All in all, very funny sketch of a woman who lost her mind in '88.
FAVE QUOTES: "To my partners at Kmart, I say be strong. We will get through this together. In less than six months, or you can kiss my big pink rump goodbye. Read my lips Kmart. I do not tolerate failure, and if I had wanted to spend my life carrying around a wounded impotent beast on my back, I would have stayed married. So wipe the Hawaiian Punch off your mouth, pick the chaw out of your teeth and get back to work! Money. It's a good thing."
GRADE: A

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: BRITNEY SPEARS "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman"
THE WORD: Actually very nice. She, surprisingly, has a good voice. She's no Christina, but Christina's a skank, so I'm giving more points to Britney. And I liked how there were only violins and a piano.
GRADE: B+

WEEKEND UPDATE WITH JIMMY FALLON AND TINA FEY
SYNOPSIS: Jimmy and Tina make more comments about the daily news, Geraldo Rivera lies some more about where he is and what he's been doing, and Jimmy makes up some songs to be the new Olympic theme, which Neil Diamond and his friend Gay Hitler are pissed about.
THE WORD: Flawless. Absolutely perfect. Every joke made me laugh, and Darrell's Geraldo impression was spot-on. Fantastic. I loved it. And Jimmy! The hair! Looking good! I actually thought his hair looked great tonight, because its the first time it's been to the sides, rather than hanging in his eyes. I was rolling on the floor when Jimmy punched Tina. When Jimmy took out the guitar I started screaming! I always love his guitar impressions, and this one was no exception!! Awesome! And when Neil Diamond came out I was gasping I was laughing so hard. And then Gay Speedskating Hitler...I was breathless. Fantastic, witty, sharp update. But that pic of Christina Aguilera...she looks like those harlequin clowns made out of porcelain. What a joke.
Jimmy's Songs: "Superman" by Five For Fighting, "Roll Out" by Ludacris, and "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback
FAVE QUOTES:
JIMMY: "After being fired by the Nevada Athletic Commission, Mike Tyson told a reporter, 'I think Lennox Lewis is a coward.' When told by the reporter that Lewis had nothing to do with the Commission's decision, Tyson raped him."
Jimmy's rapping...it was so sexy!! Well, any time he sings it's sexy!
TINA: "A female version of Viagra is expected to be released next year with the promise of giving women faster arousal and better orgasms. The pill is so strong, doctors warn that the increased speed of arousal might cause Christina Aguilera's vagina to time-travel."
TINA: "Dick Cheney showed up to his birthday party with a bruised lip after one of his dogs bumped into his mouth while playing, which leaves many to ask: what is UP with this administration?! Cheney's got a bruised lip, Bush has a huge scrape on his face, John Ashcroft's got burn marks all over him...tell us the truth. Do you guys have a fight club?? I think there's a White House Fight Club!"
JIMMY: "Tina, you know the first rule of White House Fight Club."
TINA: "I know I know, don't talk about White House Fight Club."
(Jimmy punches Tina in the face hard.)
JIMMY: "Neil Diamond?!" NEIL: "You bet your balls it's Neil Diamond!"
GERALDO: "They've been following me around singing 'Geraldo! Boombayay! Geraldo! Boombayay!' Which is, of course, an old Somali chant which translates into, 'Geraldo, you sexy man.'"
GERALDO: "Osama was here, I had him in a headlock, I kicked him in his dastardly groin!"
GRADE: A+

ASTRONAUT JONES: DESTINATION MOON
SYNOPSIS: A space traveler (Tracy) is confronted by Kragellera, Queen of Ropeelians (Britney Spears), who pleads with him to save her people. However, Astronaut Jones is more concerned with Kragellera's butt.
THE WORD: This only got funny with one line, and the way it was delivered was absolutely hilarious!!!! And the theme song was very catchy.
FAVE QUOTES: "What do you say to that, Brave Earthling?" "Well, why don't you drop out of that green jumpsuit and show me that fat ass."
GRADE: B+

HBO FIRST LOOK WITH GEMINI'S TWIN
SYNOPSIS: In this installment, Jonette (Ana), Britannica (Maya) and their new member, Dijonaise (Britney Spears) take us behind the scenes of their first movie, DAMN MY DIXIE'S ON FIRE, with a first look of their song from the movie, written by Diane Warren (RAchel Dratch), "Dance Nation Proclamation."
THE WORD: Hilarious! I love these characters. Britney's mannerisms reminded me of her character, Dawn Pazlowski from Morning Latte. And the wig was the exact same thing, only auburn and frizzier. I loved Will Ferrell as Spuzz and Chris as Brian Grazer, Ron Howard's partner. I also loved how they had singers in their first movie...take notes Brit...
This is the rundown:
Dijonaise plays Ungawa, a runaway slave who goes deaf halfway through the movie
Jonette plays Lil' Q, named so because she's a Quaker, and she has an eating disorder.
Britannica plays a Nurse who goes crazy and eventually loses her mind.
All in all, a fantastic sketch, and I loved the song!
FAVE QUOTES: "I play a runaway slave named Ungawa." "Yeah, cuz I wasn't gonna do that!"
"I was all cool. Let's twist this shizzy up and get all freaky deaky."
"I said! B to the E to the L to the F to the R to the Y! Belfry!"
GRADE: A-

CHANNEL 9 NEWS
SYNOPSIS: What would happen if all hell broke loose on a morning news show? That's what happens to two news anchors (Will and Ana) and a weatherman (Horatio).
THE WORD: Very good, only funny in some parts. But never, EVER, show Will and Ana going at it ever again!! I loved the whole Union thing, however, I know what that's like! Very reminiscent of the old sketch, WAKE UP AND SMILE, where the teleprompter breaks and all hell breaks loose.
FAVE QUOTES: "Can someone just turn the tape on? It's a Union thing? Oh okay."
"I need a Benadryl!"
"Please bear with us, it appears that all of the chairs have been stolen."
GRADE: B+

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: BRITNEY SPEARS "Boys"
THE WORD: Okay, who else thought that she was going to do "I'm a Slave 4 U"? Huh?? I totally thought so, and she was DEFINITELY SINGING. No lipsynching here, they just filtered out the breathing noises, not uncommon. Although damn Mariah Carey lipsynched the national anthem at the Super Bowl. Sacrilege!! Anyway, this looked like a lot of fun for Britney and her dancers, and those dance moves were NAUGHTY!
GRADE: A

THE LEATHER MAN
SYNOPSIS: A young woman (Britney Spears) wanders into a leatherwear store to find some new clothes, where the incredibly creepy LeatherMan, who truly loves his leather (Jimmy) forces his products, and eventually himself, on her, with the help of his minion, Chu Chu (Horatio)
THE WORD: I shouldn't have loved this, but I DID. Absolutely friggin hilarious!!! When that rubbing noise came from the dressing rooms, I knew it was Horatio masturbating!!! THE SECOND JACK OFF JOKE OF THE NIGHT FEATURING JIMMY AND HORATIO!!! And Dan came back!!! I also was laughing at the way that Jimmy was rubbing the leather and the squeaky noises. Hilarious. And the way that Jimmy and Dan rubbed together. The laugh gas was turned up to high on this sketch!
FAVE QUOTES: "Eventually you feel like you're buck naked. You learn to love it!"
"CHOO CHOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
"Walk for me! Walk for...the leather!"
GRADE: A

AND THAT'S THE SHOW!!!

FINAL GRADE: A-. Great Great show. I loved it, except for Brian Fellow's Safari Planet. It sucked.

NEXT LIVE EPISODE: MARCH 2ND 2002 JONNY MOSELEY
UNTIL THEN THIS IS ALLY SIGNING OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT MONTH AND HOPE YOUR TEAM WINS IN THE OLYMPICS!!! LOVE YOU ALL!!!!


Episode Review written by Ally


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