THIS IS MY 20th REVIEW OF THE SEASON & 36th OVERALL (finally got the right number)

THE THANK YOUS!

Thanks for reading my reviews. Thanks to Sean Bradley for still putting up reviews. Also for that e-mail requesting reviewers send them on Sunday. Thanks to the writers of SNL for writing great sketches. (for most shows) Thanks to the preformers for entertaining me. Thanks to the hosts for entertaining me. (most of them). Thanks to Lorne and NBC for still putting the show on. Thanks for those who read my reviews and e-mailed me. Thanks to the other reviewers for reviewing too. Thanks to the following websites (go check them out if you haven't): Saturday-Night-Live.com, SNL Transcripts, SNL Archives, SNL Recurring Characters and Impressions, SNL Headquarters, SNL Information and Biography Center, FallonFey.com

Preshow Stuff: And so ends the darkest chapter of reviews of Saturday Night Live on the internet. Lets get this out of the way, The Evolution of Mark Polishuk: Part Three. We go back to the first show of the season, you know, Mrs.Blonde, Reese Peanut Butter Cups.

OH MY GOD, it's starting again. Why oh why did I become a reviewer? Every Saturday night shackled to a television, watching ninety minutes of often indifferently-written sketch comedy; when will the cycle of madness ever end? I want to LIVE! When will you let me LIVE?! Actually, this probably isn't the most optimistic way to begin the first review. I'll just delete tha..hmm. My backspace button doesn't seem to be working. Okay, then I'll highlight and dele..what? That's not working either? Sizz-on of a biz-itch. Perhaps it's best to start anew.

Hi everybody! It's a new SNL season! Hooray! I hope my reviews are as funny as the show itself, LOL!!!111

For the 27th time, Saturday Night Live kicks off a new season and hopes that the ball of laughter gets downed on the one-yard line of hilarity without bouncing into the end zone of boredom or getting returned for a touchdown of mediocrity and thus facing the humiliation of the opposing player's ! touchdown dance of ridiculousness. In an unrelated story, I am challenging Dennis Miller for this year's Most Laboured Football Analogy Award at the ESPYs. More important than the SNL season, of course, is the start of the SNL reviewing season, where we can begin the painstaking process of examining and discussing every minute detail about the show that takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin', Saturday Night Live. Oh, the minutiae!

[COLD OPENING] I Don't Really Feel Like Inserting A Funny Title
Darrell's impression of Giuliani was as good as ever, and kudos to the SNL makeup crew for making him a dead ringer for the mayor. Looks as though more than just four new people are joining the cast, though I don't see why they had to make Amy tuck her hair under a fire helmet and make her pretend to be male. "The Boxer" was an apt choice for a song, what with the Hopkins-Trinidad fight at Madison Square Garden that same night.

Enough of that. It's time for seriousness. This opening was the best thing that SNL could do under the circumstances. I thought Simon was going to sing "America," but "The Boxer" may have been a better choice; it is a perfect song to symbolize the resolve of New Yorkers and all Americans in the face of the attacks. It is truly heartening to hear about the support being shown in the form of blood and financial donations to the people of N! ew York, because it shows how good people can be. The caring shown by people around in the world easily outshines the evil of the terrorists. My condolences out to the families of everyone lost in the terrorist attacks. I would also like to send a prayer out to Osama bin Laden and the assholes in the Taliban, because when the combined forces of the United States, Canada, Britain, Mexico, Israel, Russia, France, Japan, China, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, India, Germany, Italy, Egypt, and basically every other country in the free world plus probably some assault penguins from the Antarctic catch up to him, HE'LL FUCKING NEED IT. There will barely be enough of that bastard left for Allah to condemn to hell. NA (Can't really give it a rating, since it wasn't a sketch. It was, however, very classy)

[MONOLOGUE] "I Said, Are You Ready To Laugh?" "Be Quiet, You Awful Man!"
There have been plenty of monologues with a one-joke premise, but this might've b! een the first monologue to take that literally. As one would expect, Reese looked nervous in trying to follow the opening. Has our society descended to such a level that the word 'balls' is now considered a bad word? I use that word no less than a dozen times per day, and even several times during my grade school speeches. Of course, my topics those years were the 1990 and 1991 Toronto Blue Jays, so you could see how that could take place. Testicles didn't come up quite as often as Kelly Gruber did (which, by about 1992, was considered a bad word in Ontario). Since I'm not that big a fan of long polar bear jokes with laboured punchlines, I can't give this a high grade. Now if it had been those zany polar bears from the Coke ads...ha ha, I'm laughing already! Reese is still gorgeous. I'll give this six polar bear testicles out of a possible ten.

[COMMERCIAL] "Ah, That's Better. I Can Ride A Bike Again!"
This ad was fly, yo. It will take a few weeks b! efore I can tell Jeff Richards and Seth Meyers apart, so I haven't the foggiest notion who it was in this sketch. Similarly, it took me a couple of weeks to distinguish Fallon and Chris Parnell, odd as that seems now. Horatio Sanz, however, was always pretty easy to spot; must've been the lard. No anti-hemmoroid ad would be complete, however, without George Brett. If you want somebody that will attract that young, hip audience, I don't think you can get much cooler than a retired former Kansas City Royal. He won batting titles in three different decades, people! He's the only man ever to do that! Pay your damn respects! This commercial gets fifteen inches of pine tar (legal) out of a possible twenty (illegal).

[SKETCH] "Hey, I Wasn't A Weirdo. I Was In the Audio-Visual Club"
Much like Hicham El Guerrouj over the last 500 metres, the Wake Up Wakefield sketch has begun to hit its stride. I can now officially see this as a sketch that might have some lo! ng-term comedic potential, just so long as they don't make a movie from it and we are subjected to watching Maya and Rachel try to play teenagers by the time they're in their thirties. To go along with the Spanish theme, Reese is muy caliente.

Bumblebee Man: Ay ay ay!

It's now time for that part of the review where Mark takes a minor detail from the sketch and relates it to an embarrassing story about one of his friends. My friend Dave wanted me to teach him the chords to 'Truly, Madly, Deeply' on the piano so he could play it for his anniversary with his (now ex) girlfriend. Apparently it worked well, if you catch my drift. Let's just say he got more action than Melissa gets with Randy Goldman. The kid playing the sax, Tony Tusco, ain't no Clarence Clemons; is there a rule that says all sax players need to have matching initials? This sketch gets Jazz Times Seven-and-a-half out of a possible Jazz Times Ten.

[WEEKEND UPDATE] "You All Have Awful Hai! r!....From A Marketing Standpoint"
There had been a lot of controversy over whether Update could balance jokes about the terrorist attacks with their normal material without offending anybody, and I'm sorry to say that they failed. I, as a heterosexual male, was offended by Tina's joke where she inferred that her glasses and short brown hair made her look unattractive. That is just so blatantly untrue that no humour could be derived from the situation. Other than that, Update was fantastic. The bits about the South American sex orgy, Osama's restaurant and Bin Laden hiding out at Glitter were especially funny, and nothing really fell flat at all. Well, there were those few moments when the whole thing almost degenerated into Jimmy styling his hair. See, this is why I decided to go bald; it avoids a lot of hassle.

Voice of Reason: Decided to go bald?

Shut up, Voice of Reason. As for Jimmy's hair, it originally looked like that episode of Seinfeld where! Jerry gets a bad haircut from his outmoded barber. After mussing it up, Jimmy looked more like Astroboy. Perhaps he was wearing a wig after all. Darrell's bit as Jesse Jackson was also very funny, and I thought he would dislocate a shoulder with all of the shrugging. I was disappointed to see that last year's season ending cliffhanger was not resolved; who was really the father of Winona Ryder's baby? I guess the world will never know. This WU gets eight-and-a-quarter Jimmy Fallon hair musses out of a possible ten. How you can muss your hair only a quarter of a time is beyond me, so don't bother asking.

[SKETCH]"This Lesbian Bar Doesn't Have A Fire Exit!"
The Kulps -- or as I like to call them, Will Ferrell in a bald wig and my mother -- have an odd dichotomy going on; they are not terribly well-liked by the on-line fans, but are among the most popular characters of the regular viewers (which we like to call the commoners). People complain that Kul! ps sketches fall into a routine, but whereas a sketch such as the late and unlamented 'Pretty Living' actually WAS the same thing everytime, there is enough variety for the Kulps to stay fresh. The set-up bits (Will using the word 'funk,' the microphone feedback, etc) are just window dressing for the real main event, the medley. The comic idea of having them sing two octaves apart never fails to amuse me, and Will usually breaks out some funny faces as well. Ergo, the Kulps are still crazy after all these years. The lesbian theme was funny enough, though the lack of songs by Melissa Etheridge or someone of that ilk was noticable. Also, the streak continues of no U2 in Kulps medleys. Boo-urns to that. Also, since Bobbi Mohan-Kulp does remind me of my mother, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Sept. 30th was my mother's birthday. I'd like to wish her a happy....uh, 39th. Just so you know, I got her a copy of Pillow Talk, since she enjoys Doris Day. Yep, I'm the good son.! ..not one of those psycho Macaulay Culkin good sons, an actual good son. The sketch gets seven-and-a-half croutons from a bitch salad out of a possible ten.

[SKETCH] "Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Batman!..I mean, Leader!"
The first few cracks start to show in the formerly stalwart foundation of Celebrity Jeopardy. The problem is with the fake apology that Connery gives Trebek; this is the second or third time that it's been used, and it's getting old. The rest of the sketch was still very funny, though this was the weakest Jeopardy in a few seasons. If either Chris Tucker and Anne Heche has been the "third" character, behind Connery and another funny character, that would've been okay; two third characters in one Jeopardy doesn't quite get it done. Maybe I'm just jaded because the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch that Art Vandelay and I wrote for the SNL Survivor contest last spring was so much better than this sketch. Take another bow, Art! One part ! of this skit that is getting better is Will Ferrell's looks of sheer disgust and barely contained anger at the contestants. Those are funny in and of themselves. The 'Batman Robin' category was also good for a laugh. Since I got taped this episode, the people that Anne Heche has slept with were Steve Martin, Ellen Degeneres, Chris Kattan (Ha!), Chewbacca, Quick Draw McGraw, Adam Grunstein (just seeing if you're still paying attention), Russell Crowe, Potsie from Happy Days and the Cream of Wheat guy. That equals eight, so this sketch gets eight Anne Heche love partners out of a possible ten (you've got to figure there have been at least two more; she's married, right?)

PERFORMERS OF THE NIGHT: Will Ferrell, Maya Rudolph
BEST SKETCHES: Interspecies Beach, Weekend Update
WORST SKETCHES: The Farting Baby
BUSIEST PERFORMERS: Dean Edwards, Will Ferrell (five sketches each)
PERFORMERS WITH THE TIME TO LEARN JAPANESE: Tracy Morgan, Amy Poehler (one sketch each)
PLACES WHERE THE SNL WRITERS COULD EASILY HAVE INSERTED THE NAME 'MARK POLISHUK': The name of a student at Wakefield High, Anne Heche's list of people she's slept with...the possibilities are endless.
MISTAKES: Don Pardo apparently cannot tell the difference between Tina Fey and Ana Gasteyer. One tip off would be the fact that they look nothing like each other, and another would be the fact that the cast list is probably right in front of him. Sheesh.

STARTING LINE-UP "Don't be a playa-hata, be an intermural sports participata!" -- Horatio Sanz (as Mr. Begley)

"At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex or! gy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment." -- Tina Fey, Weekend Update

"I thought that it was my friend Gary, so I said 'Come on Mr. Taliban, tally me banana.'" -- Darrell Hammond (as Jesse Jackson)

AFTERSHUKS An uneven show, and I don't think it really got over the emotional opening. Unusual placement of sketches, what with the recurring favourites (Kulps and Celebrity Jeopardy) coming after Update. The only one of the new castmembers to get any real screentime was Dean Edwards, who looks as though he'll step right into playing the 'black guy' roles that are out of Tracy Morgan's range. Based on this episode alone, Dean looks like the new-age Orlando Jones. As for Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler or Jeff Richards....uh, Seth brought real charisma to his role as a fish, Jeff sure looked the role of a skater and Amy sure did a fine job of looking through the Wakefield window.
!

I believe I've come pretty close to getting my name mentioned on SNL. Yeah, and I haven't done the Mark Polishuk approach either. How? Well the name Chris is said atleast once or twice (once Parnell came back) in the show. And in that family sketch in the Derek Jeter show, one of the executive producers was Mike Schiff. Getting closer than Mark.

Lets open up the ol' Yaho... The Hotmail Ibox.

Oh man! You reprinted the one where I knocked the Boss! I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that...after a few more listens, I grew to love that greatest hits CD, and in fact now own about 8 Springsteen albums. Hindsight is 20/20, eh?

Another excellent review, BTW.

Mark

I did not make that letter up.

Misc Stuff: Playoffs Leafs/'Canes and Wings/Avs. I'll take the 'Canes and Avs with the Avs winning again. Hopeffully that happens. Don't want Hasek and Detroit ($$$) to win the Cup. Sunday Finales Survivor 4 and The X-Files end tonight. I'll be taping The X-Files and going out. Also WWE Judgment Day is on tonight. Maybe I'll watch the replay at 10. The X-Files really faltered in the last three seasons. They still put out the odd really good one, thats worth watcing, but should've ended last season. Anyway should be a good one, for this ground breaking show.

CHRISTOPHER SCHIFFMANN'S SECOND ANNUAL SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE END OF SEASON AWARDS

FUNNIEST SKETCH: Inside the Actor's Studio - Will Ferrell, Billy Bob Thorton, Amy Poelher, Seth Meyers (tie) CBS Evening Antharax Update - Darrell Hammond (tie) I'm Tom Brokaw, I'm Dan (Diane) Rather, I'm Stone Phillips, I'm Ted Coppel with Jon Stewart
- Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey, Ana Gasteyer, Darrell Hammond, Chris Kattan, Tracy Morgan, Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Horatio Sanz, Jeff Richards, Dean Edwards, Seth Meyers and Jon Stewart (tie)

FUNNIEST OPENING SKETCH: The Return of Gore - Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, Seth Meyers, Mya Rudolph, Dean Edwards

OVERALL FUNNIEST SHOW: Ian McKellan's

OVERAL LEAST FUNNIEST SHOW: Derek Jeter's

FUNNIEST PERFORMER: Will Ferrell (tie) - Darrell Hammond (tie)

FUNNIEST NEW COMMER: Amy Poelher

FUNNIEST HOST: Jack Black

LEAST FUNNIEST HOST: Derek Jeter

BEST MUSICAL GUEST: Creed

FUNNIEST COMMERICIAL: Classic Kotex

OUT OF THE BLUE AWARD: Al Gore's Return (tie) - Ace and Gary in The X-Presidents (tie) - Chris Parnell in Sam the Narrator (tie) Chris Parnells' return to the cast (tie)

LEAST FUNNIEST PERFORMER: Dean Edwards

THE NINTH SEASON OF THE X-FILES DISAPOINTING AWARD: That Big Thick Book from SNL great Jack Handey (formorely the George Lucas Disappointing Award)

THE CHEVY CHASE AWARD: Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan ~ This award is for who do you think will leave the show after this season/

THE DENNIS MILLER AWARD: Tina & Jimmyís Pizza Party Contest ~ Best WU joke.

THE NORM McDONALD AWARD: Tina Fey ~ Best Regular WU anchor.

THE ADAM SANDLER AWARD: Chris Parnell rapping  ~ Best WU Guest

THE KEVIN NEALON AWARD: Jon Stewart ~ Best WU Anchor, that some won't remember being an anchor

FUNNIEST WU LINE: "Either your cooter works or it doesn't." - Tina Fey

FUNNIEST LINE: "If I was fifteen I would have sex with you!" - Amy Poelher (tie) "I get a food boner in my borrito shorts." - John Goodman

BEST IMPRESSION: Will Ferrell as George W. Bush (tie) - Darrell Hammond as Dan Rather (tie) ~ Who had the best dead on.

FUNNIEST IMPRESSION: Will Ferrell as James Lipton ~ Might not have been dead on, but was funny nonetheless.

BEST MONOLOUGE: Jon Stewart

WORST MONOGOUGE: Reese Witherspoon (tie) - Josh Hartnett (tie)

FUNNIEST TV FUNSHOUSE: The X-Presidents and Ambiguously Gay Duo

NICK THE LOUNGE SINGER AWARD: Wakeup Wakefield - Rachel Dratch, Jimmy Fallon, Maya Rudolph, Haratio Sanz, Josh Hartnett, Gywneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Kirsten Dunst, Tina Fey, Amy Poelher, Ana Gasteyer ~ Best recurring sketch from previous seasons

THE ROXBURY GUYS AWARD: White Trash Couple - Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler, Jimmy Fallon, Will Ferrell, Jeff Richards, Dean Edwards, John Goodman, Jack Black, The Rock ~ Best New Recurring Sketch

BEST SONG: Chris Parnell's Rap to Kirsten Dunst - Chris Parnell

ROBERT De NIRO: Dan Akyroyd (twice)~ Best Guest Appearence

STEVE MARTIN AWARD: Conan O'Brien ~ Who Should Host Next Season

Saw Episode II on opening day. Go see it. Five stars out of five. Very little spoilers.

Spider-Man is still better. Barely.

Just to many things to say about this great SW film. I'm just letting it sink in but it'll probably be my favourite SW film (New Hope currently is). Just a totally different direction here. The plot is just the opposite. Hardly any space battles (like Episode V) which really helped. I thought the score was really powerful, EI was kind of light (did have Duel of Fates). Love story well was a SW style love story.I left Spider-Man wanting to be Peter and Spidey. I left Star Wars wanting to see Episode III. ATOC makes the other three SW better and Spidey can't do that. If I had to choose between Spidey 2 and EIII I would go with EIII even though Spidey was just slightly better. If you know your Star Wars you'll get it.

WINONA RYDER - Born October 29, 1971 as Winona Horowitz

SNL History: Cameo in last season's Weekend Update (I'm still waiting for the conclussion) Selected Filmography: The Simpsons (guest-1994), Friends (guest-2001), Beetlejuice (1988), Edward Scissorhands (1990), Reality Bites (1994), Alien: Resurrection (1997), Lost Souls (2000), Mr.Deeds (2002), Simone (2002)

WILL FERRELL - Born July 16, 1967 as John W. Ferrell

SNL History: Castember from September 30, 1995 to May 18, 2002, Appearence on 25th Anniversary Special. Became highest paid cast member ever in 2001. Producers were desperate to keep him, resulting in a salary of over $350,000. - - - Memorable Chracters and Impressions: Nocturna, Craig Buchanan, David Larry, Don West, Frank Henderson, Hank, Jacob Silj, Jeffrey's supervisor, Leslie Attebury (II), Marty Culp, Roger Klarvin, Sean Patrick Flannery, Spider, Steve Butabi, Tom Wilkins, Al Gore, Alex Trebek, Bob Guccione, Brian Williams, Charlton Heston, Chyna, Dan Fouts, David Pelletier, Donald Sutherland, Dr. Phil McGraw, Elton John, George W. Bush, Gene Frenkle, Harry Caray, Henry Hyde, James Lipton, Janet Reno, Jesse Ventura, Kenneth Starr, Kevin Bacon, Larry King, Neil Diamond, Oliver Stone, Osama bin Laden, Paul Lynde, Richard Armey, Robert Goulet, Saddam Hussein, Steve Kmetko, St! even Seagal, Ted Kaczynski, Ted Kennedy, Ted Turner, Tom Bergeron, Vladimir Putin - - - Selected Filmography: Grace Under Fire (guest-1995), King of the Hill (guest-1999), Strangers With Candy (guest-2000), Family Guy (guest-2001), The Oblongs (2001-present), The Andy Dick Show (2001), Undeclared (guest-2001), Men Seeking Women (1997), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997), A Night at the Roxbury (1998), The Surburbans (1999), Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999), Dick (1999), Superstar (1999), Drowning Mona (2000), The Ladies Man (2001) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001), Zoolander (2001), Old School (2001)

Will Ferrell on Conan O'Brien - May 17, 2002

Truthfully I was going to watch SpongeBob SquarePants' House Party. SpongeBob is the Seinfeld of Animated cartoons. The Simpsons is the Simpsons. But That SquarePants fellow and his friends know humor. Anyway I turned to C OB to see who was on and then I remembered Will! So I watched the start of the House Party (really good, believe the hype) then flipped to Conan 'cause the live action part was gay. (normally there isn't any live action). Triumph the Insult Dog was out with probably the best possible fodder. Star Wars Geeks. They aren't nerds. Geeks. Anyway the dog was in heaven and Robert got the job done too well. Highlites include some black Lord of the Rings wizard come up to the crowd and was far more lame than the SW guys, Darth Vader showing up and scaring the dog, Triumph saying to a pregnant women that the day her son is born is the last day he'll see female genitalia. And finally Spock walking up and down the line giving people the finger. After! seeing the Lord of the Ring guy I thought the SW geeks were the least geeky, but after watching some of them act out scenes of Episode I on the street I... can't describe it. Anyway, if you didn't see this go on the internet and find this.

Will first appeared as Robert Goulet, he kept on calling Conan, Johnny. All week Bob has been operating this whale puppet. After a little sit down improv he did Lover Boy. Whole segment was hillarious and could rival any SNL sketch. Hopefully Will didn't do this because he knows some sketches aren't going to work. Ferrell was in the zone here. Did well singing. "You've been doing this show for eighty years. Your fantastic." "What?" 'I didn't say anything!' "Bad stuff. I can't sleep because of the stuff I've seen." "Everybody is working for the weekend!" "Hold on, hold on big finish." He just left after he was done the song. Hillarious.

"Sadder than the end of Whale Week.." Will was really energetic and he "7 years, 20 shows a season... 1900 shows. We shoot a lot of them." He was reviewed as the most annoying new castmember and he showed them. Then he did his annoying bit. The real why he's leaving is he got caught urinating in Lorne's coffee. They both thought it was funny, but he had to make an example of Will or everyone would do it. Even Haratio. "Its been a wild ride." Will favourite moment was from a cut sketch (apparently Conan thought it was terrible, Will thought it was electric) with Conan he was a nude model and they did that fake vomit with the tube on the arm thing. "That's corn chowder by the way." Will will now travel the country with a banjo he doesn't know how to play. Will went on to say he'll do some movies and hopefully pornos. Conan asked to be his buddy for one of those films, 'cause he li! kes the ladies! Then the two did a little jam sessions of porno music. Conan really got into it almost going into full Robot mode. Conan asked to come back and Will said of course and then commericial.

The first time I can remember seeing Will on SNL is the Jim Carrey show, (my favourite) back in '96. It was Will and the new cast's first season finale. I didn't know who was who but I knew they were funny. Will seemed to be the funniest. Now Will has been lucky to remain a castmember. David Koechner will tell you that? Who? He was one of the castmembers from the 1995-1996 season. From that cast only Darrell Hammond remains. Chris Kattan was a featured player in the late half of the season. Who knows what would've happened if Jim Breuer, David Koechner, Norm MacDonald, Mark McKinney or Colin Quinn and Fred Wolf had stayed longer. But Will did stay for seven seasons, and did some outrageous stuff. He could play the straight man (Alex Trebek), the goof (Steve Batubi), the bizarre (Craig Buchanan) the odd-one (James Lipton), the angry guy (ever see his first sketch?), the cl! ueless (Neil Diamond) and the President (George W. Bush). Oh and the ver annoying (JACOB SILJ!) If his movie career is as good as his SNL career, it should be outstanding.

Ten Favourite Will Ferrell Sketches. The following aren't the official top ten, 'cause I haven't seen every one of his 1900 shows and it would be just to hard and take to long to determine the top five. Plus I don't get paid for this. Anyway these are just five great sketches with Will in them and well he certainly contributed to the hillarious entertainment that was performed. Long transcripts so of course skip or skim and then the Winona review will appear. Transcripts thanks to SNL Transcripts.

[Christopher Walken April 8, 1999] Behind the Music: The Blue Oyster Cult

Bruce Dickinson...Christopher Walken Eric Bloom...Chris Parnell Buck Dharma...Horatio Sanz Alan.....Chris Kattan Bobby.....Jimmy Fallon Gene Frenkle.....Will Ferrell

Announcer: After a series of staggering defeats, Blue Oyster Cult assembled in the recording studio in late 1976 for a session with famed producer Bruce Dickinson. And, luckily for us, the cameras were rolling.
Bruce Dickinson: Alright, guys, I think we're ready to lay this first track down. By the way, my name is Bruce Dickinson. Yes, the Bruce Dickinson. And I gotta tell you: fellas.. you have got what appears to be a dynamite sound!
Eric Bloom: Coming from you, Bruce, that means a lot.
Buck Dharma: Yeah. I mean, you're Bruce Dickinson!
Alan: It's incredible!
Bobby: I ! can't believe Bruce Dickinson digs our sound!
Bruce Dickinson: Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. [ the group laughs ] Alright, here we go. "Don't Fear the Reaper" - take one. [ exits into the control booth ]
[ the group begins the song. Bobby slaps the drums, Eric jams his guitar, and Gene bangs on a cowbell. ]
Eric: [ distracted by Gene banging the cowbell ] Okay! Wait! Wait! [ the group cuts off their instruments ] Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?
Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] That was gonna be a great track. Guys, what's the deal?
Eric: Are you sure that was sounding okay?
Bruce Dickinson: I'll be honest.. fellas, it was sounding great. But.. I could've used a little more cowbell. So.. let's take it again.. and, Gene.
Gene Frenkle: Yeah?
Bruce Dickinson: Really ex! plore the studio space this time. I mean, really.. explore the space. I like what I'm hearing.
[ the group starts the song again, as Gene bangs more wildly onto the cowbell ]
Eric: Okay, wait! Stop! I'm sorry. Bruce, could you come back in here, please?
Bruce Dickinson: [ stepping out of the booth ] Fellas.. now, we just wasted two good tracks! That last one was even better than the first!
Eric: Well, it's just that I find Gene's cowbell playing distracting! If I'm the only one, I'll shut up.
Buck Dharma: It was pretty rough..
Gene Frenkle: You know, I could pull back a little. If you'd like.
Bruce Dickinson: Not too much, though! Fellas, I'm telling you - you're gonna want that cowbell on the track!
Gene Frenkle: You know what? It's fine. Let's just do this thing.
[ the band starts the song once more, with Gene banging the cowbell right next to Eric's ear ]
Eric: [ stopping the song again, f! ighting Gene ] Come on, people!
Bruce Dickinson: [ running out of the booth again ] That.. that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!
Alan: Don't blow this for us, Gene!
Bobby: Quit being so selfish, Gene!
Gene Frenkle: Can I just say one thing? I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson! And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell! And, Bobby, you are right - I am being selfish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a lot of songs that feature the cowbell.
Bruce Dickinson: I gotta have more cowbell, baby!
Gene Frenkle: I'll be doing myself a disservice, and everybody in this band, if I don't perform the hell out of this.
Bruce Dickinson: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!
Gene Frenkle: Thanks, Bruce. But I think, maybe if I just leave.. and, maybe I'll come back later, and we can lay! down the cowbell. [ starts to leave the studio ]
Bruce Dickinson: Aw, baby..
Eric: Gene, wait! Why don't you lay down that cowbell right now. With us. Together.
[ everyone agrees ]
Gene Frenkle: Do you mean that, Eric?
Buck Dharma: He speaks for all of us.
Gene Frenkle: Thank you.
Bruce Dickinson: Babies.. before we're done here.. y'all are gonna be wearing gold-plated diapers.
Alan: What does that mean?
Bruce Dickinson: Never question, Bruce Dickinson! Roll it! [ exits back to booth ]
Eric: [ ready to lay the complete track down ] 1, 2, 3, 4.
[ the band starts up again. Close-up on Gene as he bangs the cowbell to freeze-frame with graphic: "In Memorium: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000" ]

[Rob Lowe October 7, 2000] The First Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer.....Chris Parnell Al Gore.....Darrell Hammond George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
Announcer: Live, from the Clark Athletic Center at the University of Massachusetts, the first Presidential Debate. Here is moderator, Jim Lehrer.
Jim Lehrer: Good evening. I'm Jim Lehrer. Welcome to this, the first of three debates between Texas Governor George W. Bush and Vice-President Al Gore. Now, let's meet the candidates. [ Gore and Bush step out, shake hands, then stand behind their respective podiums ] Before we begin, I have been asked by the Bush campaign to announce that, for the next three hours only, viewers in the states of Michigan, Missouri and Pennsylvania have the option of free Pay-Per-View, courtesy of the Republican National Committee. On Channel 62, "The Perfect Storm", with George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, the film Mik! e Clark of USA Today called "The perfect movie". On Channel 63, the grandeur beauty and savagery of ancient Rome came to life in "Gladiator" with Russell Crowe. [ Al Gore sighs ] "Gladiator. A hero will rise." Care for something just a bit naughty? On Channel 64, ten Penthouse Pets join forces with ten Playboy Playmates to find the perfect Hustler centerfold, in "Miss Killer Body 2000". Contains nudity. [ George W. Bush nods his approval ] With that out of the way, let's begin the debate. Mr. Vice-President, during this campaign, you have frequently called the Bush tax plan a "risky scheme". Why?
Al Gore: [ speaking slowly and in broken syllables ] Well, Jim.. Governor Bush and I have two ve-ry diff-er-ent plans to of-fer tax re-lief to American families. In his plan, the wealthiest 1% of Americans would receive nearly fif-ty per-cent of the ben-e-fits. My plan, Jim, is diff-er-ent. Rather than squand-er the s! u-plus on a risky tax cut for the wealth-y, I would put it in what I call a.. "lock-box."
Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, your response?
George W. Bush: I don't know what that was all about.. but I'll tell you this: "Don't Mess With Texas!"
Al Gore: I didn't mess with Texas!
Jim Lehrer:Governor Bush, I listened very carefully to the Vice-President's remarks, and I honestly do not believe he messed with Texas. Now, Governor Bush..
Al Gore: [ interrupting ] Jim. May I ust say that in my plan, the "lock-box" would be used only for Social Security and Medicare. It would have two different locks. Now, one of the keys to the "lockbox" would be kept by the President; the other key would be sealed in a small, metal container and placed under the bumper of the Senate Majority Leader's car.
Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, the next question is for you. Two weeks ago, at a meeting! of the Economic Club in Detroit, you said the following: "More seldom than not, the movies gives us exquisite sex and wholesome violence, that underscores our values. Every two child did. I will." What did you mean by that?
George W. Bush: [ clears throat ] Pass.
Jim Lehrer: Perhaps if you could see it on a monitor?
[ the exact phrase appears on the monitor for Bush to read ]
George W. Bush: [ reads monitor ] Pass.
Jim Lehrer: Really? No idea what that could mean?
George W. Bush: Could be.. education?
Al Gore: Jim? I believe what my opponent in-tend-ed to say, was that all too often the ex-plic-it sex and whole-sale violence in films undermines our values.
George W. Bush: [ snaps finger ] Bingo! That was it! That was it!
Al Gore: I happen to agree with Governor Bush on that, and I commend him for it. But let me add something in my plan. The "lock-box" would a! lso be camoflauged. Now, to all outward appearances, it would be a Leatherbound edition of Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas. But it wouldn't be. It would be the "lock-box".
Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, this question is for you, and it concerns foreign policy. Last week, in Serbian elections we saw the apparent defeat of President Slobodan Milosevic by challenger Vojislav Kostunica. Yet, Milosevic refused to step aside. As President, would you apply pressure on Milosevic, and openly aid Kostunica and his Novia Serbskaya party? Or, by working with neighbors, such as Karadon Ragonovic of Croatia, Istivan Kajnoinsy of Hungary, or Anton Paslagaros of Greece?
George W. Bush: [ clears throat ] Well.. first of all, I think that any instability in that first country that you mentioned, is troubling.. and clearly the second guy who you spoke of, he beat the first guy. Now, personally, I favor seeking the diplomatic help of the person I'm gon! na call "Guy #3". But I'm not going to pronounce any of their names tonight, because I don't believe that's in our national interest.
Jim Lehrer: Vice-President Gore?
Al Gore: Jim, let me here tonight issue a warning to the enemies, or potential enemeies, of the United States: you may think you know the location of the "lock-box". Maybe you do. Or maybe that's a decoy. Or a dummy "lock-box". Only the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, myself and Tipper are gonna know for sure.
Jim Lehrer: Which beings us to our final question. Governor Bush, both you and the Vice-President have offered plans to provide prescription drugs for the elderly. What makes your plan superior?
Al Gore: Jim, I'd like to interrupt here and answer that question as if it were my turn to speak. Jim, let me tell about a friend of mine. [ holds up a picture of an elderly woman ] Her name is Etta Munsen. She's 94, she's a widow ! living on Social Security in Sparta, Tennessee. Etta was born with only one kidney. She also suffers from poilo, spinal menengitis, lung, liver, and pancreatic cancer, an enlarged heart, diabetes, and a rare form of styctic acne. Now, several recent strokes, along with an unfortunate shark attack, have left her paralyzed and missing her right leg under the knee. Just last week she woke from a coma to find that, due to a hospital mix-up, her left arm had been amputated, infected with syphillis, and then reattached.
Jim Lehrer: Mr. Vice-President, we are short of time..
Al Gore: As you can imagine, Jim.. Etta's prescription drug bills are staggering. They run to nearly $113 million a day! And she tells me that some weeks she has to choose between eating and treating her Lyme Disease. Now, under my plan, Etta's prescription drugs would be covered. Under my opponent's plan, her house would be burned to the ground. And that is wrong. That is just wrong!!
Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush? Response?
George W. Bush: I believe that some of those figures may be in-ock-urate.
Al Gore: Jim, what you just heard from my opponent is an attack on my integrity and my character. And I will not reply in kind. Instead, I will take those remarks and tuck them away, away in a tiny "lock-box", where all bad thoughts go.
Jim Lehrer: Well, that brings us to the close of tonight's debate. Each candidate will now give a brief closing statement.
Al Gore: Jim, may I make two closing statements?
Jim Lehrer: I'm afraid not. In fact, we are almost out of time, so I will instead ask each candidate to sum up, in a single word, the best argument fo his candidacy. Governor Bush?
George W. Bush: Strategery.
Jim Lehrer: [ stunned ] Vice-President Gore.
Al Gore: "Lock-box".
Jim Lehrer: This concludes the first debate! . Thank you, and "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

[Jim Carrey] The Roxbury Guys and Jim Carrey

Steve Butabi.....Will Ferrell Doug Butabi.....Chris Kattan Fellow Roxbury Guy.....Jim Carrey

Music: "What is Love", Haddaway.
[ open on a busy New York York Street, 10:00 PM ] [ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile. Steve and Doug Butabi and Fellow Roxbury Guy cruise to their favorite club as they bop their heads back and forth. ] [ cut to exterior, China Club, 10:20 PM ] [ interior, China Club. The crowd parts down the middle to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads at the bar. They turn around to check out the ladies who might be checking them out. ]
Doug Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Heeeey! Wanna dance? No? Okay, don't worry about it! [ returns to the bar ]
Steve Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Hey, you wanna dance? No? Alright.[ returns to the bar ]
Fellow Roxbury Guy: [ jumps to the front of the crowd, bopping ! his head back and forth ] Who's gonna dance? You, me? You, me? [ woman steps forward to dance with him. He struts a few moves, then he and the Butabis bounce her across each others' chest until a bouncer throws them out of the club. ]
[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 10:45 PM. The Roxbury Guys smoke cigarettes to the beat of their favorite song. One at a time, they toss their cigarettes out the window - except for the Fellow Roxbury Guy, who drops his cigarette in the car, as the three of them panic to put it out. ]
Fellow Roxbury Guy: It's okay! It's out!
Steve Butabi: [ relieved ] Alright!
[ cut to exterior, Kennedy High School Prom, 11:00 PM. ]
[ interior, Kennedy High School. The prom students part down the middle to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads at the punch bowl. They turn around to check out the teenaged girls. ]
Doug Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance, huh? Me? Him?
All Three Roxbury Guys: [ simultane! ously ] Me? Him? Him? Me? Me? Me? Him? Him? Me? Him? Him!
Doug Butabi: [ to Steve ] It's you!
[ Steve steps up to a young couple, pushes the guy aside and hogs the co-ed all to himself ]
Co-ed: [ annoyed ] Hey! What are you doing?
[ Doug and the Fellow Roxbury Guy cut in to bounce the co-ed across their chests. She runs off, leaving the three Roxbury Guys to bounce each other across their chests. A chaperone barges in and shoves them away from the prom. ]
[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 11:20 PM. The Roxbury Guys talk to each other on cellphones ]
Doug Butabi: What's up?
Steve Butabi: Nothing. It's Steve! What's up?
Fellow Roxbury Guy: I'm in the back, just working it! What's up with you?
Steve Butabi: Nothing. Later!
[ they hang up their phones and toss them out of the windows ]
[ cut to exterior, Glendale Catering Hall, 11:30 PM. ]
[ interior, Glendale Catering Hall. A newlywed couple ! are dancing at their reception. The camera slowly zooms out to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads next to the wedding cake. They move forward to grab a piece of the bride for themselves, bouncing her across their chests. ]
Groom: [ angry ] Hey, come on!
Steve Butabi: [ confused ] What?!
Groom: Get off! [ pushes the Roxbury Guys out of the reception hall ]
[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 11:45 PM. The Roxbury Guys are enjoying their song when the CD player stops ]
Doug Butabi: [ panicking ] Something's wrong with the CD! [ pulls it out and holds it up ]
Fellow Roxbury Guy: [ frightened ] What the hell is going on?! [glances at CD ] Dust! [ blows on the CD, as Doug puts it back in the CD. The song plays. The catastrophe averted, they continue to bop their heads to the music and drive through the night. ]
[ cut to exterior, Golden Age Retirement Home, 11:50 PM. ]
[ interior, Golden Age Retirement Home! . The Roxbury Guys are feeding and hitting upon elderly women. ]
[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, Midnight. The Roxbury Guys hold the elderly women in their laps and make out as they cruise through the night. Fellow Roxbury Guy opens his mouth and pulls out his date's dentures, holding them proudly in the air. ]
Fellow Roxbury Guy: Souvenir! [ fade to black ]

[Lucy Liu December 16, 2000] Celebrity Jeopardy!

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell Robin Williams.....Jimmy Fallon Catherine Zeta-Jones.....Lucy Liu Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Because of what just happened before during the commercial, I'd like to apologize to all blind people and children. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Robin Williams has set a Jeopardy record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.
Robin Williams: Yes, Thank you, yes, Jeopardy, yes. [ Walks over to Trebek ] I heal you, my boy you are healed. We have found Tom Selic's mustache, yes. It's time to go over here and look at the scoreboard. What do we have here, oh Vana White. Can we turn the letters? She's making a vowel movement. Yes. Oh, hi, I'm Robert Downy Jr. Robert Downy Jr. wants a recount, yes, and here's a kid at home going [ whining ]
Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you. Moving on. Catherine Zeta Jones has no scor! e at all because she's mostly been talking about her recent marriage.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Alex, I'd like to say hello to my new baby and wonderful husband. Michael, darling, if you're watching, the diapers in the bedroom closet and the baby's diapers are under the sink. I love you darling.
Alex Trebek: That's beautiful. And finally, Sean Connery's also here let's move on to Double Jeopardy where the categories -
Sean Connery: Not so fast Trebek.
Alex Trebek: I really thought that was going to work.
Sean Connery: Well, you were wrong, you mountebank. I pose a conundrum to ya, I riddle if you will
Alex Trebek: I don't want to hear it.
Sean Connery: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore. [ Laughs ]
Alex Trebek: Wonderful. Let's take a look at the categories. They are: Potent Potables, Point t! o your own head, Letters or Numbers, Will this hurt if you put it in your mouth, An album cover, Make any noise, and finally, Famous Muppet Frogs. I should add that the answer to every question in that category is Kermit.
Robin Williams: Thank you, yes, Kermit. Yes it's like Kermit and John Wayne goin, "It's not easy being green, pilgrim." It's like Schwarzenegger,"Ya, I'm Kermit the frog, ya that's me, Schwarzenegger Kermit."
Sean Connery: Boy, you might be legally retarded.
Alex Trebek: He has a point. All right, Catherine Zeta Jones we'll start with you.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I'll take Giraffes for a billion.
Alex Trebek: Let's just go with Letters or Numbers for 200. And the answer is "five." Is five a letter or a number? The number five, is it a number? [ ring ] Mr. Williams.
Robin Williams: Oh, it's a beautiful thing yes, right now there's a guy at home goin [ motions a remote! control w/ his hand ] what the hell's goin on there, why don't you change -
Alex Trebek: Thank you. Thank you. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, you already rang in. Robin Williams: Yes, it's a beautiful thing, though. Monica Lewinsky's at home goin' [ screams ]
Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you, anyone else. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, I hate you.
Robin Williams: But I love you! It's like Jesse Helms and Michael Jackson going, "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
Alex Trebek: You are a very sick man. Anyone besides Mr. Williams? [ beep ] Five is of course, a number. Catherine Zeta Jones, sadly, it's still your board.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: I'll take TV shows that did stories about my wedding for 300.
Alex Trebek: For the last time, that is not a category. Sean Connery, why don't you pick?
Sean Connery: Well, the game is afoot. I'll take anal bum cover for 7,000.
Alex Trebek: That's An album cover, not ! anal bum cover.
Sean Connery: I can read, Trebek. That says Anal bum cover. I've spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover, failing to do so is my greatest regret.
Alex Trebek: You have lead a horrifying life. The category is An album cover and the answer is: The Beatles White album is this color. [ ring ] Catherine Zeta Jones.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Who are the Beatles?
Alex Trebek: I'm sorry, that's wrong.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, I'm asking you, who are the Beatles, I've never heard of them. [ ring ]
Robin Williams: Oh, the Beatles, oh yes, what if they were the Volkswagon Beatles? Then they'd be in the back going, "I wanna hold your farfigneugent"
Alex Trebek: For the love of God, shut your mouth. I'll tell you what, let's just go to final Jeopardy. And the category is, you know what? You guys just decide. You each ask your own question and answer it. There's no way ! you can get this wrong, because you're asking the question. Ask yourself anything at all and then answer it. You'd have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up; and now let's see how you managed to mess it up. Robin Williams wrote: Nothing. Because he stuck his pen through his own hand.
Robin Williams: Yes, you know what it's like, suddenly it's like a Shakespearean actor who's gay going, "Tell us for york I" [ Trebek grabs pen and sticks it deeper into Williams' hand ]
Alex Trebek: Don't ever come here again. Catherine Zeta Jones, asked herself this question: What sound does a doggy make? Fine. And you answered: [ Blank ] You didn't know the answer? You couldn't answer your own question?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: It was hard.
Alex Trebek: Unbelievable. And finally, Sean Connery asked himself: [ Show half a picture of a horse having sex w/ Trebek ] Ok, I, I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here, [! Looks over podium ] Yeah, yeah, that's a horse having sex with me. Ok. That's beautiful.
Sean Connery: Come on, you pansy, let the people see my work.
Alex Trebek: No, we're not going to do that. Ok, I quit, again. Good night.

[Cameron Diaz September 26, 1998] Jingleheimer Junction

Jingleheimer Joe.....Tim Meadows Katie Kindness.....Cameron Diaz Carla Caring.....Ana Gasteyer Umberto Unity.....Horatio Sanz Fred Friendship.....Will Ferrell

Jingleheimer Joe: [ entering the set ] Well, hello, hello. Glad to see you all back again with ol' Jingleheimer Joe for more good times. So, let's all become friends and get in a togetherness mood, with your good old pals, the Junction Gang.
[ train whistle sound effect. Katie Kindness, with "K" on chest, enters side door ]
Jingleheimer Joe: Katie Kindness!
[ train whistle sound effect. Carla Caring, with "C" on chest, enters side door ]
Jingleheimer Joe: Carla Caring!
[ train whistle sound effect. Umberto Unity, with "U" on chest, enters side door ]
Jingleheimer Joe: And Umberto Unity!
[ the kids are lined up to Jingleheimer Joe's right: Umberto Uni! ty, Carla Caring and Katie Kindness, the letters on their chests spelling out "UCK" ]
Jingleheimer Joe: Hey, Junction Gang! How are you all today?
Katie Kindness: Better than ever!
Carla Caring: We made a new friend! He's going to join the Junction Gang!
Jingleheimer Joe: [ curious ] New friend? I didn't hear anything about a new friend.
Carla Caring: Well, why don't you meet him?
Katie Kindness: Hey, new friend! Come on down!
( train whistle sound effect. Fred Friendship, with "F" on chest, enters back door, stands next to Katie Kindness, spelling "UCKF")
Umberto Unity: Meet our new friend, Fred Friendship!
Fred Friendship: "F" is for "Friendship"!
Jingleheimer Joe: Um.. I'm not sure that this is a good idea.
Katie Kindness: Not a good idea? Why, friendship is the best idea!
Carla Caring: In fact, I th! ink Fred Friendship should go to the front of the line!
Jingleheimer Joe: Uh.. no, no. He shouldn't.
Fred Friendship: [ excited ] Yes, I should!
Umberto Unity: To the front of the line, Fred!
Jingleheimer Gang: [ chanting ] "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"!
[ Freddie Friendship dances slowly to the front of the line ]
[ cut to "Please Stand By" graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]
[ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]
Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, Fred, that's enough of you! It's time for you to get out of here, okay!
Katie Kindness: Jingleheimer Joe, that's not being friendly.
Fred Friendship: No, it's not!
Carla Caring: Maybe we should sing the "Togetherness Song" for Jingleheimer Joe.
Fred F! riendship: Yeah, let's do it! I'll go stand over there with the Gang!
Jingleheimer Joe: No. No, you won't! You'll stand right here.[ music intro starts song ]

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] "You can't have togetherness, without four things:"
Carla Caring: "Caring."
Katie Kindness: "And Kindness."
Fred Friendship: "Friendship!"
Umberto Unity: "And Unity."
Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] "Come see what joy these four can be."
Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, uh.. that's great. Now, we're gonna..
Carla Caring: Letter Call-out!
Fred Friendship: [ moving forward ] "F"!
Umberto Unity: [ moving forward ] "U"!
[ cut to "Please Stand By" graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]
[ cut back to Jingleheimer Gang, Katie Kindness moving forward ]
Jingleheimer Gang: "K"!
! Jingleheimer Joe: Okay. Alright. I think that's enough. That's enough.
Katie Kindness: No, it's not. It's time for "Mish-Mash Mix-em-up.
Jingleheimer Gang: Yeah!
Carla Caring: Spread out, everyone, until someone says, "Freeze!"
[ the Jingleheimer Gang starts to spin around one another in different combinations - Fred Friendship around Umberto Unity, Carla Caring around Katie Kindness and other combinations, until "U-C-K" can be seen with Fred Friendship almost turned completely around. ]
Jingleheimer Joe: That's it! Stop it! [ rushes Fred Friendship ] No, no, no!!
[ cut to "Please Stand By" graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]
[ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]
Jingleheimer Joe: I've had enough of you! Get out of here, Fred!
Fred Friendship: [ hurt] Ow! I just want to be with my friends!
! Umberto Unity: We're supposed to be learning about friendship, Joe.
Jingleheimer Joe: Shut up, Umberto!
Fred Friendship: Whoa. I think somebody around here has completely missed our message of togetherness.
Katie Kindness: I think we'd better tell him what we're all about.
Fred Friendship: This song's about Togetherness.
Katie Kindness: [ starts singing ] "What we're spelling out for you-ou.. Is really, really good to do-oo. Caring and kindness are the perfect fit."
Umberto Unity: [ singing ] "You can do it anywhere! In a parking lot or on a chair!"
Carla Caring: [ singing ] "Inside and outsi-i-i-ide!"
Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing and gyrating ] "In and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out.." [ backs now turned ]
Katie Kindness: [ turns around singing, reveals "K" ] "Oh, yeah! !"
Carla Caring: [ turns around singing, reveals "C" ] "Baby!"
Umberto Unity: [ turns around singing, reveals "U" ] "Baby!"
Jingleheimer Joe: [ once again rushes Fred Friendship before he can turn around ] Noooooo!!!
[ Jingleheimer Joe wrestles Fred Friendship to the ground one last time, as "Jingleheimer Junction" ends ]

[The Rock April 13, 2002] All Aboard the Freedom Train: The Duets of Bigfoot & Neil Diamond

Bigfoot (Rock) has recorded cover album with Neil Diamond (Ferrell).

[Billy Bob Thorton November 17, 2001] Inside the Actor's Studio

Thornton conducts manhunt of James Lipton (Ferrell) after an interview.

[Steve Forbs April 15, 1996] Unabomber Class Reunion

FBI Agent #1.....Jim Breuer Ted Kaczynski.....Will Ferrell James.....David Koechner Rita.....Nancy Walls George.....Norm MacDonald Edward.....Mark McKinney Emily.....Molly Shannon Walter.....Chris Kattan

[ open on interior, Harvard University Class Reunion - Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, shackled, enters with two FBI agents in tow ]
FBI Agent #1: You have ten minutes, Ted!
Ted Kaczynski: Fellas, thanks again for letting me come to this - a class reunion doesn't happen very often! And, I tell ya, it feels like I never left!
James: [ aproaching ] Oh, my God! Don't tell me.. don't tell me.. uh.. uh..
Ted Kaczynski: [ covers his nametag ] No peeking!
James: [ laughs ] Ted Kaczynski! Where did they find you?![ they hug ]
Ted Kaczynski: Jimmy Mallory, you old pool shark! how the hell are you?
James: Not bad.. So, what have you been up to?
Ted Kaczynski: I've been doing a lot of writing..
James: Yeah, really? You, uh, get anything published?
Ted Kaczynski: Yeah. One thing.
James: So, uh.. where have you been living now?
Ted Kaczynski: I've got thi! s great little place up in the woods. It's real secluded, gives me a lot of time to tinker around with my hobbies..
James: Oh, ho ho! I remember your hobbies! [ mimes smoking marijuana ]
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, cut it out! [ laughs ] You son of a gun! Hey, did I introduce Stu and Mike here for you? [ acknowledges the FBI Agents ]
James: No, you didn't. How you doing, fellas? [ shakes FBI Agents' hands ]
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, excuse me, boys. I think I'm gonna mingle. The ladies await! [ steps behind Rita and covers her eyes ] Guess who!
Rita: Um.. um.. um.. [ feels his chains ] Ted Kaczynski! [ turns around ] You heartbreaker!
Ted Kaczynski: Guilty as charged! [ laughs and hugs her ]
Rita: Oh, my God! You look great!
Ted Kaczynski: Thank you. I feel good!
Rita: You know, I still have that 400-page love letter you sent me.
Ted Kaczynski: Oh, th! at's sweet.
Rita: Hey, do they still call you "Casanova" Kaczynski?
Ted Kaczynski: No.. actually, I've got a different nickname these days..
Rita: Oh, hey, hey, how's your brother doing?
Ted Kaczynski: Well.. to tell you the truth, we're not really getting along these days.. [ points across the room ] Hey, look! Is that that ol' practical joker, George Graham?
Rita: Yeah. Didn't he stick your face in the toilet and flush it? And then he replaced your toothpaste with Preperation H?
Ted Kaczynski: Yeah, that's him. Here he comes!
George: [ hobbles up on crutches, missing one arm, and a bandage on his head ] Hey-ey, Ted Kaczynski! Hey listen, buddy, sorry about all that stuff I did back in our old college days! I hope you don't hold a grudge!
Ted Kaczynski: Oh, no, no.. I got all that off of my chest. Let's let bygones be bygones.
George: Alright, then! [ hobbles off ]
Edward: Oh, my God! It's Ted Kaczynski! Isn't it?
[ other classmates surround Ted ]
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, the whole gang's here! Hey, Eddie, what are youup to these days?
Edward: Well, Ted, I'm an industrialist..
James: No way! I'm an industrialist, too!
Emily: Me, too! I chop down trees and build computers. [ turns to Walter ] What about you?
Walter: I work for a company that dumps ink into the ocean.
Ted Kaczynski: Well.. that's just great. You know, guys, we've just gotta keep in touch. Hey, make sure you give me all your addresses before you leave, okay? [ everyone hands their business card to Ted, as the FBI Agents pull him back ] Hey, look, I gotta go, guys..
George: Ted, wait! I brought you that package you sent me! I've been waiting to open it!
Ted Kaczynski: Oh.. you know what, George..? That package is really a present for all you guys.. [ everyone awws ] Now, d! on't open it until I'm gone, because I'll get embarrassed..
James: Tell you what, Ted? At least read the card.
Ted Kaczynski: Oh, okay! [ grabs the card ] I'm having the best time! [ reads card ] "To all my chums from the Class of '62.. Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

[Jim Carrey May 18, 1996] Overprotective Lifeguard

Man.....Will Ferrell Lifeguard.....Jim Carrey Lap Swimmer.....Tim Meadows

[ open on Man relaxing in an indoor jacuzzi, as a freaky-looking Lifeguard enters ]
Lifeguard: [ standing over jacuzzi, blowing a whistle ] No rough-housing.. in the jacuzzi! Settle down, please!
Man: You're, uh.. you're talking to me?
Lifeguard: Cut the horseplay, Sir.. or I'll be forced to eject you from the swimming facility.. thank you, so much!
Man: I'm sorry.. uh.. who exactly are you?
Lifeguard: [ sits atop lifeguard chair and points at "Lifeguard On Duty" sign ] Lifeguard on Duty, Sir! If you don't mind, I have to watch the water! [ stares intently at the water in the jacuzzi ]
Man: You're the lifeguard for the little jacuzzi here?
Lifeguard: Correct, Sir! Continue splashing, and I'll be forced to ban you from all aquatic activity!! Thank you!
Man: you know, I'm just splashing water on myself, on my face..
Lifeguard:
Man: But I'm the only guy in this jacuzzi right now..
Lifeguard: I am on watch, Sir.. I cannot have this conversation right now! [ stares at jacuzzi through binoculars - notices Man stretch himself across the jacuzzi, so he whips out a bullhorn ] ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! YOU ARE TOO FAR!! RETURN IMMEDIATELY!!
Man: Are you talking to me?
Lifeguard: [ waving naval flags ] Slide back to the wall! You are blocking the bubble jets! Repeat! You are blocking the bubble jets!
Man: Alright, fine.. [ slides back ] Is right here good?
Lifeguard: Watch that underow, Sir! It'll blow you right out!! [ gets up and throws divider rope across half of the jacuzzi ] Watch out!
Man: Wait.. what is this..?
Lifeguard: Siz o'clock, Sir! This side of the pool is for lap swimming only!
Man: What?
[ Lap Swimmer enters ]
Lifeguard: Afternoon, Mr. Garson!
Lap Swimmer: Good to see you, Frank!
[ Lifeguard blows his whistle, signalling the Lap Swimmer to jump in the jacuzzi and proceed to swim mini-laps back and forth for a minute ]
Lifeguard: [ blowing whistle ] Lap time is over!
Lap Swimmer: [ getting out of jacuzzi ] Whoo! That felt great! [ exits ]
Lifeguard: [ blows whistle at the Man ] Resume general swim!
Man: [ stands up to dry himself ]
Lifeguard: [ points bullhorn at Man's face ] NO DIVING, SIR!! NO DIVING!!
Man: I'm not diving..!
Lifeguard: [ through bullhorn ] THE ENTIRE STAFF APPRECIATES YOUR COOPERATION!! THA! NK YOU SO MUCH!!
Man: [ sits back down and massages his foot ] Oooh.. ahh.. ow..
Lifeguard: Is there an emergency, Sir?!
Man: No! I just got a small cramp in my toe..
Lifeguard: CRAMP?! [ rushes to wall to grab life preserver and arm floaties ] Everyone, be calm! Stay away from this area! There's nothing to see here!
Man: You're not talking about me, are you..?
Lifeguard: Swimmer, do not panic! I am a trained professional lifesaver! [ dives into the jacuzzi and rescues the struggling Man ] Do not fight me, Sir! Just relax!
Man: What the hell are you doing!!
Lifeguard: [ throws Man against the side of the jacuzzi and snaps fingers in front of his eyes ] Can you hear me, Sir!
Man: Yes, I can you!
Lifeguard: Can you hear me!
Man: Yes!
Lifeguard: [ starts pounding on Man's chest, hoping to revive him ] Nooo! It's not your time yet! [ pulls Man forward and gives him mouth-to-mouth, much to the Man's chagrin ]
Man: [ struggles free, upset ] I'm okay!! I AM OKAY!! You know, I don't appreciate this! This is HORRIBLE!!
Lifeguard: That's okay, Sir! You don't have to thank me! You've been exposed to a horrible trauma! Just play it safe from now on! I think I'm gonna go for a little swim!
[ still inside life preserver, Lifeguarddives underwater, as the Man quickly exits the jacuzzi, to fade ]

[Pierce Brosnan May 05, 2001] Angry Boss

Mr. Tarkanian...Will Ferrell Job Applicant...Pierce Brosnan Secretary...Tina Fey
Female Employee...Rachel Dratch Male Employee...Chris Kattan Black Employee...Jerry Minor Scott Jurgenson.....Chris Parnell

[ open on interior, Mr. Tarkanian's office, as he interviews a Job Applicant ]
Mr. Tarkanian: And we offer full benefits, and three weeks' paid vacation.
Job Applicant: Oh? Three weeks? Wow!
Mr. Tarkanian: Yeah.. I'm not gonna lie to you, Kirk, you're very high on our list, and we want you to work here very much. So, what do you think?
Job Applicant: I, uh.. I think I want the job.
Mr. Tarkanian: Fantastic!
Job Applicant: Oh, excellent!
Mr. Tarkanian: Great. So, we'll give you a pass key, and assign you a desk and a parking space, and..
Female Employee: [ timidly a! pproaches ] Excuse me, Mr. Tarkanian?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ angry ] Why are you interrupting me?!
Female Employee: Well, I just thought that..
Mr. Tarkanian: You thought?! You DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM BUSY!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!! I do NOT want you to pull this AMATEUR BULLCRAP, ALRIGHT?!! I'm a PROFESSIONAL! Do you HEAR me?!! Do you UNDERSTAND ME?!!
Female Employee: [ frightened ] Yes.. Mr. Tarkanian.. [ runs out of office ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ returns to Job Applicant as though nothing had happened ] So, you should probably go to Personnel and get started on your paperwork..
Job Applicant: [ bewildered ] What, what was that about..?
Mr. Tarkanian: Oh.. oh, sorry you had to see that.. she can, uh, she can be a real bitch! [ laughs ] Hey, you're timing is perfect - we're having the company barbecue next month. I hope you like barbecues.
Job Applicant: Oh, I enojy b! arbecue quite a bit, actually!
Mr. Tarkanian: Good.
Male Employee: [ enters ] Here you are, Mr. Tarkanian, the new copy's finished.
Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks it over ] Okay, you know what? I don't know if I would have done this.. yeah.
Male Employee: Is there a problem with it, or..?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] You do NOT hand in CRAP like THIS!! This looks like you took a CRAP or a DUMP in the PRINTER!! You are SCUM!! I should FIRE you and BURN down your FRIGGIN' HOUSE!! I am THIS close to RAPING YOU!!
Male Employee: I'm sorry.. [ exits ]
Job Applicant: [ tries not to laugh ]
Mr. Tarkanian: Office politics. Sometimes I think this place is like "Ally McBeal".
Job Applicant: Is this.. is this how you deal with your employees?
Mr. Tarkanian: What?
Job Applicant: Uh.. I.. I'm not sure I want to work in this kind of environment.
Mr. Tarkanian: [ looks at his Secretary ] Hold on a second..
Secretary: [ tending a personal call ] Car accident?! Oh, my God, is he okay..?
Mr. Tarkanian: HEY!! HEY!! NOT ON MY WATCH!! NO PERSONAL PHONE CALLS!! ALRIGHT?! I SHOULD POUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH!! USE COMPANY TIME TO TALK TO YOUR DISGUSTING WHORE FRIENDS?!! NO!! [ hangs up phone ] YOU DO NOT DO THIS!! YOU DO NOT!! [ bitch-slaps her ]
Secretary: [ cries ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ casually returns to his desk ] Hey-ey-ey! Just takin' care of some business! You want to go out for a beer and celebrate?
Job Applicant: I-I-I don't think I want to work here..
Mr. Tarkanian: Why? What's wrong? [ Black Employee enters eating a donut ] HEY!! HEY!!
Black Employee: [ confused ] What is it, Mr. Tarkanian?
Mr. Tarkanian: [ stands ] Oh, thank you, that's exactly the response I'm looking for! [ kicks Black Employee down ] Now, ! get up! GET UP, you CRAZY BLACK MAN! I'm going to make you DRINK my PISS!! [ fumbles with his zipper ]
Black Employee: [ scared ] Hey, are you crazy, man?!!
Mr. Tarkanian: [ primal scream ] I am a STRONG man!! ANYONE in this office, take a RUN AT ME!!
Scott Jurgenson: [ enters carrying a trident and a net ] Mr. Tarkanian!! I am ready to take you!! I have been LIFTING WEIGHTS and doing COCAINE all day!! And I want a BIG PIECE of YOU, sir!!
Mr. Tarkanian: [ excited ] OHHHHHH!!! SCOTT JURGENSON!! I LOVE it!! I am ACTUALLY gonna MURDER YOU!!
[ Scott attempts to attack Mr. Tarkanian with the trident, but Tarkanian punches him in the face and seizes the trident away, then pushes Scott to the ground and stabs him thirty-three times with the trident, as Job Applicant watches in horror ]
Mr. Tarkanian: [ finished, nonchalantly returns to his desk ] Alright.. sorry to keep you waiting.. let'! s get you logged on to your computer.
Job Applicant: You are a terrible, terrible man!
Mr. Tarkanian: Well.. I'm a stickler! We take a lot of pride around here. It's not easy running the best - well, the fourth best - in-flight magazine in the business.
Job Applicant: I don't really think I want to work here, thank you.
Mr. Tarkanian: Well, that's a real shame. That article you wrote for Continental about Peter Falk's favorite restaurants in San Fransisco really turned some heads around here.
Job Applicant: You just murdered one of your employees with a trident!
Mr. Tarkanian: You know what? Just work here, okay? Take some time to weigh the pros and cons. Pros: you'll be working for a slightly-above in-flight magazine, for $22,400 a year; cons: me, kicking you 'til there's blood in your stool, then grabbing your wife's boobies while you're tied up with a racquetball shoved in your mou! th. Now, balance it out, and think about it..
Job Applicant: [ stands ] I just don't think I want to work here!
Mr. Tarkanian: Fair enough. Ordinarily, I'd whip your nuts with a car antenna for that kind of callous attitude - but you thought about it, and you don't want to work here. [ spots Secretary exiting the office ] HEY!! YOU GET BACK HERE!! [ chases screaming secretary out of office ]

OPENING:C-Span: Carter and Fidel - 92

No Bush or Cheney here. But still Darrell (Jimmy Carter) and Will (Fidel Castro) with Maya. Carter for some reason visited Cuba this past week, and here they were discussing a speech. But Fidel was more interested in Carter's faults as a President. The Iran Hostage Situation, gas shortage and that rare economic thing. Oh and that he was attacked by a rabbit. This is news to me. Darrell perfectly played Carter. Fidel questioned being attacked by a rabbit. He could understand a dog, or fox or headghog, chickens and wild pigs can be dangerous. But a rabbit? Then they shifted to the speech. Fidel's would be around four hours and then Carter's would be about six minutes. Also there is only three TV that have sound and picture in Cuba so it didn't matter what Carter said. They had Will saying in Spanish and Maya saying in English, "Live from New York..."

Ladies and Gentlemen Hold Onto Your Wallets - 93

Winona Ryder was nervous, and poked fun at herself with that shoplifiting thing. Everyone is suspicious. Tracy Morgan agrees with her. Tracy tells her that they installed cameras. Ana's room had Darrell and Ana arguing on who the baby is. Ana of course drinks some alcohol. In Tina's room she's shaving her face. Quite funny. The featured players are looking at the cast photo and assuming who's leaving. Dean asks if Tracy is leaving? We all know the answer. Jimmy urinates in Lorne's coffee. Amy is locked in Tracy's room. Haratio is dressed like an old women and then eats a banana. Tracy informs Winona that he isn't a female in any of the sketches. Footage of Will spray painting 'See You Later Assholes'. Finally some footage of Lorne checking his jacket to see if anything is missing after talking with Winona. Really funny mono, they didn't use Parnell, Maya, or Rachel and Kattan.

The Final Celebrity Jeopardy! - 97

YES! Hopefully they go out on top. This time its Rock-N-Roll Jeopardy. Dave Matthews (Fallon), Bjork (Winona) and of course Sean Connery (Hammond). Connery releashed his own dirty albulm just to get on the show. "There once was a man named Trebick. Who had the world's tiniest.."" Potent Potables makes its appearence once more. Winona played the nutcase Bjork perfectly. Countries Between Mexico and Canada was good I thought. Connery comments on Trebek's jacket. Alex gave the info about where he go it. Connery asked do they make them for men. Didn't get the laughs."Are you Icelandic or retared?" "I Garfunkelled your mother!" Dave Matthews attempts to answer the question with a guitar and Dean with a violin. "Annnnnnd shut it!" "I'll take I have a hard on for 600." "Where did you get that magic pen? We frisked you on the way in." "If you frisked me you would've found it. 'Cause I was keeping it in my butt.&q! uot; The real Alex Trebek came out and started talking to Alex about all the stupid celebrities. Connery walks up and gives his opinion. "Two scoops of fruit. Old married couples do look alike." Nice way to end the sketch, sad to see it end. But I think they just ran out of ideas. They were forced to recylce old jokes. Some of them this time didn't work. Suprised to see the real Alex here. I suppose he's fine with it. Funnier than the season premier one, but got a lower mark. But that was back in September and anything was funny. Didn't get to have Final Jeopardy!, but atleast they went out with dignity. And so one of the greatest recurring sketches of SNL ends.

Two Fathers Celebrate My Love For You - 94

Parnell and Will play to gay men who sing that song to their daughter at her wedding. She has no problem with them and is really happy. The groom (Seth) and the groom's parents are less than thrilled (Kattan and Dratch). Parnell and Ferrell really got into it. Haratio came up to translate their feelings in movement. Who thought Parnell and Ferrell would kiss at the end? Good performance by the way.

Bear Resercher Lovers - 91

Will and Winona play to scientists who secretly love each other. They're doing research on bears but can't be with each other because Will's wife funds it. Winona suggests shooting her. Will says no, they'll get caught. The Masturbating Bear from Conan makes a cameo in a cage here. They decided to let the bear free and maul her. His wife walks in (Ana) bringing small sandwhices. They let the bear go and is told to kill the wife. The bear picks up the gun and shoots her. That was stupid but funny. Will is outraged that the bear did this. The police would accuse him. "He watches far too much TV." Jimmy the lab assistant returns with a police officer (Darrell). The officer accuses Will, but he pleads to ask his assitant. The assistant says that he shot his wife and threatened her if she told. Will swears that a TV watching bear shot his wife. He's carted away. The bear exits the cage and well takes off his head. Winona and the scientists brother (Seth in ! the bear suit) now inherit all the money. "Fourteen years in a bearsuit finally paid off!"

BOTOX - 89

Wrinkle remover that cripples all the nerves in your face. A painful deadly way to look young. Alright commerical.

Girl Next Door: Search For Ms.July - 92

Rachel plays the religious one, Maya the black anti-white girl one, Winona is the young clueless one, and Amy is the one legged gassey one. Remember that MTV Dismissed sketch? Well Amy plays exactly the same character here. "This is my underground railroad." Will played Hef and he of course selected the winner. Winona wins. Everybody else doesn't care.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey - 100

The final WU of the season! Opening jokes didn't work. The Cardinal joke was good. Tina did a rant on babies. Not up to the standards of the Hef's Girlfriend rant or the airport security rant. About the same as the Enron one. Atleast we got some more female opinions from Rachel, Maya and Amy. They all disagree with the article. Oh! Tina says cooter. "Its out of your control. Either your cooter works or it doesn't." Wonder if Tina just adibbed cooter into there 'cause I here they can't say that. Apparently Tina was a ugly kid. OJ Simpson's kids are beind driven to school by a drug dealer. Its that or the murderer. There was a earthquake in San Fransisco and it shook they gay out one guy. Neil Diamond came out thinking it was a Cheers reunion. Neil is retiring from showbiz. "She got the way to move me cherry." "The 2002 Weekend Update All-Stars: Gay Hitler, Geraldo Riveria, Drunk Girl and of course the real Neil Diamond!" I ass! ume they selected those three since they made the most appearences. Neil really has lost some hair since Saving Silverman. They finish the segment with confussion but it was a great way to end the season. Clinton's Thumbs Up.

The Luvahs In Hut Tub - 92

Winona and Jimmy are in a hot tub and joined by the two Luvahs. Will was in a very revealing swim suit. Jim plays a familar character to Virginia and Roger. "Its hot tub not hut tub!" They do their best grossing out Dave (Fallon). They form a human chain. The Luvahs tell that they make love on each picnic table. The eat roast taippers. Winona becomes just like a Luvah. Jimmy cracks up once more. He leaves while the three stay. Winona slips and become unconscious. The two then begin to make love, Winona awakes saying her back is in pain. Viriginia thinks its Roger again. "How can that be my voice?!" He pushes her off in anger. The Alec Baldwin sketch was a better way to sendoff these characters.

Mango - 90

Winona plays herself and so does Moby. The three of them go shopping at Barney's. Will once again managed to sneak into this sketch as a Hollywood agent. Some good three-way jokes with Mango. The three all forget their wallets. They ponder on what to do. Mango thinks of stealing the clothes. Mango is caught and his so called friends deny that they know him. Mango poses for many mugshots in gay like clothes. 6 months later Mango and Winona visit in jail. Winona reveals she loves Mango. They try to make love between the glass. Different Mango. Alright.

Farewhale to Will Ferrell - 100

The cast (except all the new additions from this season) give their final thoughts on Will)
Ana: Most fun she's eve had working with him.
Jimmy: Ruined many sketches by laughing in them, but he doens't care he worked with him
Rachel and Maya: Will Ferrell was their friend
Darrell: He loves Will. They came into this place together and he loved being on stage with him. Never worked with a kinder or better performer.
Haratio: The best, they broke the mold with Will
Chris Parnell: "True story: This show fired me. Then they re-hired me. First time that ever happend. Will Ferrell made that happen. More than a great performer, he was my friend."
Tina: Loved watching Will in a bad sketch, because he would never give up. Fearless performer.
Chris Kattan: Like a brother and not beacuse they've worked together for alm! ost seven years, a movie. But becasue he's nice, he's funny and he's his friend.
Tracy: He goes on about how Will stole his walkman, cold devious dude, got Parnell fired, talk behinds your back to Lorne, gave a cigarette to Tracy's kid, he cheats on his wife, he hates the black man, and a loser. Will walked on and asked him about what he said. Will admits about stealing the walkman and hating black people. Will and Tracy then plan on skipping the party and going to the strip club. The walk off together. Nice sendoff.

Overall Show Rating - 93

That's an average remember. Wasn't any spectacular sketches. Atleast it was a good show. Nice to see Alex and Neil stop by. Last year's finale was better though. Winona surpassed expectations. Will was in almost everything they performed tonight. You could see some of the castmembers tearing up on stage during the credits. It could've been worse and everyone was seen tonight.

Funniest Three Sketches: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey, The Final Celebrity Jeopardy!, Two Fathers Celebrate My Love For You

Honorable Mentions: Farwhale to Will Ferrell

Funniest Performers: Chris Parnell (Gay Dad), Will Ferrell (Alex Trebek, Gay Dad, Scientist, Neil Diamond, Roger, Himself), Jimmy Fallon (Dave Matthews, WU Anchor, Dave), Amy Poelher (Herselft, Amber, Herself on WU), Tina Fey (Herself, WU Anchor), Maya Rudolph (Black women, Herself on WU), Rachel Dratch (Religious women, Herself on WU, Virginia), Chris Kattan (Gay Hitler, Mango), Ana Gasteyer (Herself), Seth Meyers (Himself, Brother in Bear Suit), Harartio Sanz (Himself), Dean Edwards (Himself), Darrell Hammond (Jimmy Carter, Himself, Sean Connery, Geraldo Riveria), Jeff Richards (Himself, Drunk Girl), Winona Ryder (Herself, Bjork, Female Scientist, Missy, Female Luvah, Herself), Tracy Morgan (Himself and Himself again)

Four Bad Things: No Final Jeopardy!, the baby rant was bad at the start, didn't see other castmembers in cameras, sketches weren't great

Impressive Impressions: Darrell as Jimmy Carter, Sean Connery and Geraldo Riveria. Will as Alex Trebek and Neil Diamond. Jimmy as Dave Matthews. Winona as Bjork.

Line From SEINFELD That Best Describes This Show: "You've been great! See you in the cafeteria!" - Jerry on the last episode.

TOTALS OF FUNNIEST PERFORMERS: (Funniest Perfomer Awarded For the First Two, Darrell and Will repectively. Funniest Performers Awarded From Third Show On. Plus Honorable Mentions. Will appeared in 18 shows. Darrell in 19. Chris Parnell in 8. The rest except the featured cast in 20 shows. Well there's Tracy Morgan who didn't really appear in all 20.

Peformer's Name - Occurences In FF - Selected Characters

Rachel Dratch: 8 - Sheldon, Virginia
Jimmy Fallon: 15 - WU Anchor, Jarret, Sully,
Will Ferrell: 14 - George W. Bush, Neil Diamond, Roger, Marty Culp
Tina Fey: 12 - WU Anchor, Herself
Ana Gasteyer: 5 - Herself, Bobbi Culp,
Darrell Hammond: 17 - Dick Cheney, Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Sean Connery 
Chris Kattan: 6 - Gay Hitler, White Trash Husband, Mango
Tracy Morgan: 4 + H - Himself, Star Jones
Chris Parnell: 7 - Tom Brokaw, Himself
Amy Poehler: 11 + H - White Trash Wife,
Maya Rudolph: 8 - Nelly Fatardo, Megan, 
Horatio Sanz: 10 - Goby, Himselt, Mr.B

Dean Edwards: 3 Himself, Black Irish Guy
Seth Meyers: 8 - Scorpion Prince, Hugh Grant, Himself
Jeff Richards: 6 + H - Drunk Girl, David Letterman

TOTALS OF FUNNIEST THREE SKETCHES:

Weekend Update won this.

TOTALS OF IMPRESSIVE IMPRESSIONS: (selected impressions)

Rachel Dratch: 2 - Paula Jones, Kelly Osbourne
Jimmy Fallon: 5 - Carson Daly, Dave Matthews
Will Ferrell: 5 - George W. Bush, Neil Diamond, Alex Trebek
Tina Fey: 1 - Maryann Mobley
Ana Gasteyer: 2 - Helen Thomas
Darrell Hammond: 8 - Dick Cheney, Dan Rather, Ted Koppel, Geraldo Riveria, Chris Matthews
Chris Kattan: 3 - Amelie, Paul Begala, David Guest
Tracy Morgan - N/A
Chris Parnell: 1 + 2H - Tom Brokaw, Jack Osbourne
Amy Poehler: 2 - Tanya Harding, Sharon Osbourne
Maya Rudolph: 4 - Charo, Liza Minelli
Horatio Sanz: 3 - Gene Shallit, Ozzy Osbourne

Dean Edwards: 2- Nipsy Russell, Denzel Washington
Seth Meyers: 2 - Stone Philips
Jeff Richards: 4 - Kevin Spacey, David Letterman, Louie Anderson,

TOTALS OF FOUR BAD THINGS: Big Thick Book every time. Poor outings by recurring sketches. Poor sketches or castmembers absent from show.

RANKINGS OF THE 2001-2002 SHOWS AND THOUGHTS ON HOSTS:

[01] Ian McKellan - Well done! Great actor, great show. Hopefully back in December.
[02] Hugh Jackman - The dark horse of the season. Should host again.
[03] Jack Black - Open up the season with him! Great performance!
[04] Jon Stewart - Struck gold here!
[05] Kirsten Dunst - Played charcters perfectly. She'll be back.
[06] Alec Baldwin - Is this the only place where he does good stuff now? Come back.
[07] The Rock - WWE Wrestler, Moviestar, Singer, Great SNL host! [08] Winona Ryder - Suprisingly good. Could host again.

[09] Ellen DeGeneres - Fine performance, come back to host
[10] John Goodman - Could've been last time hosting, hope its not.
[11] Billy Bob Thorton - Suprisingly good. Come back again.
[12] Gywneth Paltrow - Fairly good, wouldn't mind returning for a third time.
[13] Cameron Diaz - The sequel sucked, still come back and host anyway.
[14] Josh Hartnett - Flavour of the month, get him out of Lorne's rolodex.
[15] Drew Barrymore - Her and Tom Green are bad luck. Don't comeback.
[16] Reese Witherspoon - At the time great, but now not so great. Wouldn't really mind her hosting again.
[17] Seann William Scott - Flavour of the month. Wouldn't want to see host again.
[18] Britney Spears - Never again. Probably will since she brings in great numbers, if only the sketches ! were.
[19] Jonny Mosely - I don't care if he has a video game named after him. Better than Jeter.
[20] Derek Jeter - Stick to baseball. No more athletes

THOUGHTS ON 2001-2002 CAST

Rachel Dratch - Seen off and on during the season, still fine castmember, look forward to next year
Jimmy Fallon - Signed for two more seasons, can only get better,
Will Ferrell - Shame he is leaving, provided great memories
Tina Fey - WU didn't falter too much from last season, still strong, would like to see more outside WU
Ana Gasteyer - Pregnancy really put her to the side for most of the season. Hopefully she'll be better next season. Should go but she shouldn't go out the way she did.
Darrell Hammond - May only appear once or twice a show, but like Fey has solid performance. Glad to hear he's returning
Chris Kattan - Had some good and some bad, really should leave but brings expierence
Tracy Morgan - If he returns I guarantee you he'll be in about thirteen sketches either playing himself, Star Jones,! Astronaut Jones or Brain Fellow
Chris Parnell - Great to see him return, solid since return, with Will gone time to shine
Amy Poehler - Probably best first season of a performer in a long time, great addition
Maya Rudolph - Started season as castmember showed why, hopefully she returns
Horatio Sanz - Can always count on him to be funny. But not Chris Farley funny.

Dean Edwards - The next Jerry Minor? Well even Jerry Minor had recurring chracters. I don't know but I doubt he'll be back.
Seth Meyers - The next Fallon? Perhaps. Shows great potential.
Jeff Richards - The next Hammond? When he did appear for more than thiry seconds it was quite good. Drunk Girl is fine.

See Ya Nest Season! I did it! Twenty reviewed episodes of SNL! Was that a long review? Did you read it all? I'm sure there are a few other regulars who have huge reviews. This took quite a while. So did the season. Can't believe the season and Will Ferrell's reign of annoyance is over. The season started off slowly (who can blame then?) Then after three outings they got into stride. There were the odd blips after that but for the most part, a entertaining season. Will and perhpas Kattan may take some credibility away from this show, but it still has a veterans like Darrell, Ana and Tracy, Chris Parnell, Haratio, Jimmy and Rachel know what they're doing and usually appear more than once during the show, Tina, Maya and Amy bring solid female performances, Seth shows great promise and so does Jeff he only needs the chance. I would be suprised if Dean is back. Jerry Minor appeared in more sketches, was a writer and was more funny than Dean but didn't come back ! for this season. I think SNL has great performers and writers and they'll get their chance to show that they don't have to Will scream or strip to get a laugh. Bring on season twenty-eight!

Keep It Real

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