Jonny Mosely / Outkast
March 2, 2002


NON-TESTICULAR MAIL SACK
I don't know whether or not you give a damn, but I thought I'd share my opinion on a couple of things. Firstly, I would agree that Nirvana is over-rated. VH1 named "Nevermind" the second greatest rock album ever and, well, let's be honest. That's bullshit. It would be difficult to argue against the statement that they were the most influential rock band of the nineties, but look at the bands they influenced. Frankly, they aren't very good. The 90s was a weak era for mainstream rock. And as for grunge being original, not quite. You correctly named the biggest influence on the movement, Neil Young with Crazy Horse, and Nirvana specifically was influenced
profoundly by the Replacements, Cobain even saying that the title "Nevermind" comes from a Replacements song.
And just for the sake of nitpicking, I would disagree with the Ramones/Strokes
comparison. They really aren't terribly alike. I'd lean more toward a comparison with another New York club band, the Velvet Underground. The lead singer, Casablancas(what a sweet name), is a dead ringer for Lou Reed and their attitude and simplified sound is taken directly from the Velvets.
Just thought I'd chip in with some thoughts. Feel free to argue with any of This, or discuss it further. Oh and your take on the three musical geniuses was right on, though early Elvis probably deserves a spot in terms of influence. Dylan though, that's where it's at.
PS I think the Pumpkins are a stage most teenage boys go through along with Pink Floyd, Zeppelin, etc.
-- Adam Bristor

I've got to love an e-mail that compares the Smashing Pumpkins to puberty. From now on, whenever anyone argues my opinion about Nirvana, I'm just going to mail them Adam's well-put opinions. The Velvet Underground are another one of those bands that aren't really 'good' (though this depends on personal opinion), but are still considered vastly influential. Then again, if you think about it, the most influential band of the 90's is probably the Spice Girls. Elvis Presley, while an amazingly talented and revolutionary performer, wasn't really a true "genius" since he didn't write a lot of his material. In terms of influence, however, Elvis is probably comparable only to the Beatles.

i like reading reviews by a passionate snl/ simpsons fan but there are too
many attempts at clever comments. watching funny shows does not make you
Funny.
-- RM Dooley

Oddly enough, the same thing doesn't apply to dramatic shows, since my pal Jim has become really moody and withdrawn since he's started watching Six Feet Under.

Suppose for a second that John mosely does play the spoons or can bang pots or pans together. Think of this: John mosely plays the spoons and while he does that the camera cuts to an outside shot of Kevin form kids in the hall shirtless on top of a taxi screaming,"IAM A MONKEYSQUIRLL!!!!!!!!!" This has been a moment of freakish halarity brought to by Jenny Maurer,A monty python fan. Thank you for your time.-- Jenny Maurer

'Freakish' is the right word for it, yes. In a related story, I'm tentatively going to see the Kids in the Hall live in my little ol' hometown of London on March 30th.

the reason why ana was covering up her stomach is because she's pregnant, due in june i believe. you shouldn't talk shit if you don't have anything to back it up with.-- Curt Sterner

That was the running gag; I even called her Ana "Preggers" Gasteyer in my last review. Pointing out that a character does a lot of sketches behind a desk or in loose clothing is a pretty odd thing to notice otherwise; it's like noting that Amy Poehler does a lot of sketches wearing, say, shoes.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!-- John Brown

We have a new leader in the 'Best E-Mail Ever' competition. It's hard to recreate the effect by cutting and pasting, since John's message was about a size 20 font in bolded black letters. I don't even know if this was in reference to SNL, though I can't think of anything I've done on the Internet to warrant such an attack. Well, there was that attempt to hack into the CIA's computer database, but you'd think the American government would have more effective ways of getting back at criminals than name-calling.

Maybe the reason your name isn't on SNL yet is because they're not sure how to pronounce it. Maybe you should type it phonetically so we can have a better understanding.-- Aaron McCoy

I KNEW there had to be a reason why I haven't been directly cited on the air yet. "Polishuk" rhymes with "Wallafuck."

I read your review of the Jack Black hosting SNL, and I saw that you were not sure of a Fat Rapper to use, so, if no one told you yet, feel free to make Fat Joe, Big Pun's friend and recording partner, your new fat rapper. If you do manage to squeeze Fat Joe into a review somewhere, hook me up with a small shout. My initials are K.C.S. While no one else may know what you mean, those three little letters will be enough for me. -- K.C.S.

A letter reprint counts as a shout-out, right? By the way, I have no idea what his "music" sounds like, but I've gotta respect a guy that just comes right out and calls himself Fat Joe. Not Big Joe, or Hefty Joe, or Festively Plump Joe, but Fat Joe.

SELF-INDULGENCE CORNER
I got this idea about a year ago to start a campaign to get my name mentioned on SNL. If you support the idea of having myself (and by proxy, the entire SNL on-line community), then be sure to either e-mail SNL via their official website <http://www.nbc.com/snl> and demand to hear Mark Polishuk's name on Saturday Night Live. If you are a reviewer yourself, cut-and-paste the following line in each of your reviews (preferably near the top): I WANT TO HEAR THE NAME 'MARK POLISHUK' ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SO IF YOU ARE ASSOCIATED WITH NBC, MAKE IT HAPPEN! Together, we can all make this happen! Go forth, my minions! E-mail, e-mail! Make me famous!

SHOW OVERVIEW
SNL returns from the Olympic-mandated hiatus with an episode hosted by an Olympian. And not just any Olympian (like, say, the Canadian men's and women's hockey teams: YEAH YOU EAT OUR SHIT FOR BREAKFAST UNITED STA...oh sorry, got a little carried away there), but Jonny Moseley. If we can take a trip through time back to my last review, let's see what I said about Mr. Moseley...

Let's also hope that a) he doesn't break his hip on the slopes and b) that he wins a medal, since having an "Olympic hero" host when he came in, say, nineteenth would look kind of silly.

Well call me Nostradamus, since Mr. Moseley didn't get a medal in Salt Lake City. He didn't finish nineteenth, however; he finished fourth. FOURTH. Rick Reilly had a great column in Sports Illustrated last week about how finishing fourth at the Olympics makes you feel like the biggest chump on planet Earth. Even worse, Moseley missed out on a bronze by only 0.13 points. I'm no expert in how moguls skiing is scored, but that doesn't seem like a lot. Maybe he was distracted by all those Mormons on the slopes. So instead of having an Olympic medalist on the program, SNL is stuck with some chump who got the equivalent of one of those participation ribbons you get during intermural sport events in grade school. At least Moseley is supposed to have some charisma, so he might be able to pull off hosting despite his not being an actor or even a comedian (unless you count his failure at the Olympics which I personally found really funny because I'm a cruel and heartless man). I'd like to point out that this is the first SNL season featuring two athlete hosts since George Foreman and Deion Sanders in 1994-95. It's never a good sign when your season compares to 94-95 in any way.

The musical guests are Outkast, which is pretty fitting considering how Moseley is now an outcast from his friends and family in the wake of his major league chokejob. Outkast is one of the few rap acts that I actually have some semblance of respect for; not to say that I like them, but at least they have a couple of good songs. So, if Outkast have access to a time machine and can read this review after the show, then I'll give them a good review as long as they play 'Ms. Jackson' and 'Rosa Parks.' Then again, you'd figure if Outkast had access to a time machine, they would probably make some more major changes to the earth's history than their performance on SNL. In fact, they could very well travel back in time and kill my parents, so I wouldn't be around to review their performance at all. Curses!

Going along with tonight's theme, I will be rating each sketch out of Olympic medals. Gold, obviously, is the best. Silver means very good. Bronze means okay (I know that bronze is really very good, but for the sake of rating systems it has to go in the middle). Mediocre sketches will be rated by a "Moseley," and bottom-of-the-barrel sketches will be considered "Swedish hockey teams."

[COLD OPENING] "I Got Their Names Written Down Right Here On What I Call My, Uh, Enemies List." "Jane Fonda, Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson...Hey! This Is Richard Nixon's Enemies List. You Just Crossed Out His Name And Put In Yours."
Am I wrong in thinking that an axis (by definition) can only have three principles? I thought that was the logic behind the original naming of Germany, Japan and Italy; there were three of them, so some Allied guy said "By Jove, it's an axis! An Axis of Evil!" Though I suppose if it was only limited to three, it would've been a Triangle of Evil, but maybe I'm just splitting hairs here. At any rate, getting back on topic, this was an enjoyable enough little sketch that poked fun at Dubya's Wag The Dog-esque warmongering to distract the populace. He even busted out the 'Don't Mess With Texas' catchphrase again.

MARK'S NOT-AT-ALL RIPPING OFF HIGH FIDELITY TOP FIVE LIST OF PEOPLE/ENTITIES YOU SHOULDN'T MESS WITH
5. Sean Bradley. Remember that Charlize Theron/Paul Simon show that I missed? He came to my house with a group of Penn State linebackers, and suffice it to say, I haven't missed a review since. I don't want to have my kneecaps broken again.
4. Revenue Canada (or their American counterparts, the IRS. Or their French counterparts, L'Auditors de L'Argent. Or their high seas counterparts, Long John Silver and his band of bloodthirsty swashbucklers)
3. Former St. Louis Cardinal outfielder Vince Coleman. The man throws firecrackers at children, for crying out loud.
2. Texas
1. Delaware -- they're small, but mighty. Get in their way and expect a screen door to be broken over your head.

The mention of Tom Daschle made me a little happy, since he'll likely be the Democratic candidate in 2004, and thus it's time to get the publicity train rolling. You Americans need to vote Daschle and get Dubya the hell out of the White House before he starts World War Three. This opening gets a silver.

[CREDITS]
First of all, that was not Don Pardo doing the announcements; it sounded a bit like Fallon doing a Pardo impression. Second of all, Darrell Hammond is in the credits but will be on the show this week, since he recently suffered an apparent hart attack. Allegedly, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart came into Darrell's home, grabbed him in a bear hug, and held him in place so Bret "The Hitman" Hart could deliver a devastating clothesline. In all seriousness, however, best wishes to Darrell in a full and speedy recovery. Third of all, Chris Parnell appears to be officially back in the cast. Now Parnell is a good actor and it's good to see him back and everything, but is he really necessary? SNL has 13 other people in the cast, and some of them (i.e. Dean Edwards, Jeff Richards) get precious little screentime as it is. Was there any role that Parnell played in this episode that couldn't have been filled by somebody else?

[MONOLOGUE] "The Name's Poochie D/And I Rock The Telly/I'm Half Joe Camel/And A Third Fonzarelli/I'm The Kung Fu Hippie/From Gangsta City/I'm A Rappin' Surfer/You The Fool I Pity."
So this is Jonny Moseley. He looks like a younger version of Luke "Nomah!" Wilson. You can tell he's no actor from the way that he started talking well before the applause comes close to ending. At least we didn't miss a joke, since (if the rest of the monologue was any indication), he didn't say anything funny. The ramp in the entranceway was a nice touch. As expected, he joked about his fourth place finish, which I'm sure is his way of killing the pain within. Or, he just blamed the judges.

Vladimir The Stock Russian: Good strategy, comrade.

The fourth place party wasn't particularly funny, since drunken revelry only tends to be entertaining if it's your friends and you can mock them afterwards for making out with chicks with sideburns. Just a note; was that Rachel and Maya showing their tits during the party?

Naive Man: Well of course not. They didn't come in fourth at the Olympics, so they wouldn't have been at the party.

Sigh. Fittingly, this one gets a patented Jonny Moseley fourth place finish.

[SKETCH] "Everything's Snowed In! All I Can See Is White!" "Arnie, Please. The Ski Conditions?" "Mayday! Mayday! I Think I'm Flying Into A Mountain! Tell My Wife I Lo..." "That's Great, Arnie."
Aw my Gawd, dere's trouble in paradise between Sully 'n Denise. Fortunately, da wit 'n wisdom of Jonny Moseley (playing a skiier; great range, Olivier) will help dem through dis troubled time in dere relationship. Or, in another, more accurate, way, he'll sit there like a goon in his orange snowsuit and say nothing of importance. Fortunately, dey stayed togethuh; this, combined with the Red Sahx firing of Dan Duquette made this a red-lettuh week for Bahston. This continues da trend of couples getting back togethuh after a face-drawing incident; the precedent was set by Rawhs and Rachel on Friends three years ago. Now, Rawhs and Rachel ended up getting really hammahed and married, but we can assume dat Sully 'n Denise at least fulfilled the drinking part. This was a below average edition of a Bahston Teens skit, as you could tell from da crowd noise; usually this skit gets lots of laughs, but the people were sittin' on dere hands throughout. Horatio kept his cameo streak alive, and he looked wicked hilarious in his ski mask. Where the hell was Tommy the cameruhman sitting? The other car? Overall, gotta go with a bronze medal.

[SKETCH] "Yeah Right Lady, An Elephant Ran Through Your Front Yard. OK....Yeah Right Mister, Mm-Hm. An Elephant Just Knocked Over Your Mailbox....Yeah Right Buddy. Liquor Store Robbery, Officer Down. Sure, And I'm Edward G. Robinson."
And the studio audience welcomes Chris Parnell back to SNL with a hearty round of indifference. The general reaction seemed to be "He left?" One would think that if it was, say, Mike Myers back in the cast, he'd be granted a loud ovation. And if Randy Quaid came back, the show would actually stop for a few minutes and Randy would be forced to break character in appreciation of the overwhelming standing ovation. I have never seen the O'Reilly Factor, but the general idea seems to be that this Bill O'Reilly fellow is one of those people that likes to ignore simple facts in order to promote his own idealogy. So basically, Bill O'Reilly is like Hitler. Hitler probably made a seven-year-old girl cry at some point, though this isn't officially documented. Good to see Jeff Richards play the lead role in a sketch, though the O'Reilly/Elmer Fudd lisp got a wittle annoying after a while. Since there's an infinite number of things for O'Reilly to be wrong about, I wouldn't mind seeing this skit take the "Recurring Sketch About a Politics/News Program" slot away from Hardball. So let me see; reference to the Joshua Tree national park + I like U2 = SNL gives me a shoutout! Also, this sketch had a viewer mail segment, just like my reviews! I'm slowly approaching the point where my name will be on SNL in all of its hard-to-pronounce glory! This sketch gets somewhere between a silver and a bronze; let's call it a brilver.

[SKETCH] "Sir, I Only Hope You Can Forgive Me For Shooting Your Wooden Leg." "Who Shot Who In The What Now?"
Having never seen DisMissed (I don't get MTV up here in Canada thank God), I'll give SNL the benefit of the doubt and presume that this is basically what the show is like. The premise certainly seems retarded enough. MTV: Pimping Women Since 1996. You know that SNL has sunk to a new low when they're ripping off a character from Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (the chick with the wooden leg). This movie, coincidentally enough, also featured Amy Poehler. About the best thing that can be said about this sketch is that Maya and Amy both looked like a million bucks. Moseley was a lucky man to choose Maya in the "Make Out With A Cast Member" lotter that every host participates in. In reality, however, Maya was his second choice; they had to have a do-over because Moseley's first pick was Darrell Hammond. Luck was on Moseley's side. The "aspiring waitress" tag for Amy's character was a nice touch. This sketch merits a bronze.

[SKETCH] "Gripping The Boy In His Strong Talons, Socrates Will Carry Him To Safety....I Don't Think He's Coming Back."
Yeesh. Whatever writer thought up this idea deserves a ski pole through the torso. The studio audience seemed to enjoy it, which is odd because a) sketches that feature a lot of special effects (I use this term loosely) like models and blue screens rarely seem to get a response from the audience and b) this sketch blew. This was the second of three small references to Enron during the show, so SNL decided to pinprick the issue to death instead of just doing one fullblown sketch about it. Hmm...Pizza brings peace to the Middle East + I deliver pizzas = Shoutout to me. Though if I ever had to deliver a pizza to Saudi Arabia, it would be a difficult trip in my Toyota Echo. Then again, I'd get an automatic $3 tip, since it's out of our normal delivery area! All right! This skit gets a Swedish hockey team.

[WEEKEND UPDATE] "In A Bold Move That Has Stunned Hollywood Insiders, Newly-Divorced Comeback Kid Troy McClure Has Turned Down The Supporting Lead In McBain IV To Direct And Star In His Own Pet Project: The Contrabulous Fabtraption Of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. Will The Gambit Pay Off? Twentieth Century FOX Is Betting...It Will."
A really short and not terribly interesting Update. In fact, I'd go so far as to call this the least impressive Update of the season. The jokes were overshadowed by the fact that Tina got a new hairdo. While one might question the wisdom of messing with perfection, she still looks good, so she retains her title as my imaginary girlfriend. There were only about ten newsbits, and roughly half of them were funny. Highlights included the jokes about Al Gore's pretend government in his basement, Fallon getting hit by pies and the "Clinton did this" bit. Kattan's Hollywood character needs to be taken out back and shot like Old Yeller, since the funny just wasn't there. The changing octaves of his voice actually woke up my dog, who was sleeping in THE OTHER ROOM. The unquestioned highlight was Will and Amy as Sale & Pelletier, beloved heroes to a nation. It's a little sad that our entire country got more worked up over a figure skating competition than we do about our federal elections, but that's Canada for ya, eh? A little disappointing that Will just took on a stereotypical Mackenzie brothers accent for David Pelletier, whose real voice is actually funnier because he speaks in French-inflected English. The Roots paraphenalia cracked me up, since my mother -- who always gets frighteningly into the Olympics -- went out and bought the whole ensemble; hat, jacket, a scarf, the whole nine yards (or if you're Canadian, the whole 8.1 metres). It was like having Catriona Le May Doan make my dinner for that entire two weeks. This Update gets a bronze.

[MUSICAL GUEST] "Homer Simpson. Activities: None. Sports: None. Honours: None. Quote: 'I Can't Believe I Ate The Whole Thing.'"
I think we found the clown that was throwing pies at Jimmy during Update. The white-haired fellow (who looks like the black version of that guy on the Glad garbage bag commercials) is wearing what looks like pieces from several quilts stitched together into clothes. I half expect him to be wearing a flower that squirts water. Since the song had kind of a circus-like sound to it (I think it's called "The Whole World"), I half expected the band to pile into a Volkswagen at the end of the segment. The old man playing the guitar looks pretty close to being a circus freak anyway. This wasn't a half-bad tune, so I guess this makes it three Outkast songs that I like now. The big fat guy, by the way, isn't a member of Outkast; hopefully he's not just some guy that came off the street and demanded to be on stage, and everyone just accomodated him because he's huge. Then again...

(two weeks from now, Mark enters Studio 8H)

Me: Put me on the show or else I'll pound the lot of you! I'm huge!
Lorne Michaels: Aren't you just standing on somebody's shoulders?
Me: Uh-oh. This bird's gotta fly.

(at this point, Mark hops off of Shaquille O'Neal's shoulders and makes a break for it. Shaq stays behind and ends up chatting with Lorne, eventually landing a guest appearance during the show as Ian McKellen's long lost son. Shaq has such a good time that he forgets to ask for the hot dog he asked as payment for agreeing to help Mark with his zany stunt.)

The song, by the way, gets a bronze.

[SKETCH] "And Now It's Time For Match Game 2034! With Billy Crystal! Farrah-Fawcett-Majors-O'Neal-Varney! The I Didn't Do It Boy! Ventriloquist Loni Anderson! Spike Lee! And The Always Lovely And Vivacious Head Of Kitty Carlyle!" "Hi Everybody! Let's Start The Game!"
Good God, this was the mother of all impression sketches. Let's go through them (deep breath)...Jimmy as George Gervin: gold. Dean as Nipsy Russell: bronze. Maya and her push-up bra as Charo: gold (I'm a pig, what can I say). Kattan as some ventriloquist: NA since I've never heard of this ventriloquist. Ana as Joanne Whalley: Silver. Seth as Richard Dawson: Moseley, but would've been a gold if he had included "Who loves you, and who do you love?" like Dawson's character in The Running Man. Tracy Morgan as some woman from "Sanford and Son": NA, since I've never seen that show. Will as Paul Lind: silver. Rachel as some woman from Battleship Galactica: NA (never seen it). Tina as.. well, I don't know, but I'll give it a bronze just to support the idea of Tina in a sketch. Whoever her character was, she looked like she had taken a big whiff of Smilex gas.

Dead Model Voice-Over: Love that Joker.

And finally, Horatio Sanz as Truman Capote: Bronze. Whew. We were one Jeff Richards appearance away from a rare "whole cast" sketch. There was even a Rip Taylor guest appearance!

Cassandra: Rip Taylor is a God in my country.

One gets the feeling that Rip kind of just kept on talking, but what the hell; the man is on his 14th minutes of fame anyway. I'm not quite sure if Rip Taylor is famous for anything in particular, or if his status as a "celebrity" has overwhelmed what meager accomplishments he's ever done in his career. Since the one joke in this sketch (besides the Jill Kenson/Ken Jillson thing, which I inexplicably found really funny) relied on the quality of the impressions, I'll give this one a brilver because the impersonations were generally good.

[SKETCH] "The Brand New Multimillion DollAr Musical. And YOU Are Starring As The Human." "It's A Role I Was Born To Play, Baby!"
Subtle humour alert: Parnell's character -- a homosexual -- was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers #10 shirt. #10 is the uniform number of Steelers quarterback Kordell Stewart, who is rumoured to be, you guessed it, gay. Also, Pittsburgh is the getting for Queer As Folk, that soap opera about gays. Props to the SNL costuming department for their clever choice. This was, unfortunately, by far the most clever thing about this sketch, which otherwise sucked like Kordell Stewart in the AFC Championship game. There were a few isolated funny moments (the idea of a musical about Typhoid Mary, Ana's "I've-Got-A-Pin-In-My-Hip" routine) but they didn't all add up. At least Ana got to actually sing, which is a break from the vocal gyrations she has to fake during the Kulps sketch. A Moseley for this one.

[JACK HANDEY] "Unshrink You? That Would Require Some Kind Of A Rebigulator, Which Is A Concept So Preposterous It Makes Me Want To Laugh Out Loud And Chortle.."
Despite the usual can't miss comic stylings of shrunken heads, this one didn't do it for me. I'd usually give it a 0 out of 1, my usual specialty rating for Handey's segments, but this comes into conflict with this Olympic rating gimmick I've got going here. It's a collision between an unstoppable force and an immovable object, and quite frankly, it's not my place to decide this cataclysmic battle. NA

[MUSICAL GUEST] "Marge's Dates Get Homelier All The Time." "That's What You Get When You Don't Put Out."
Ah, "Ms. Jackson." They answered at least one of my requests, so I'm satisfied. The white-haired guy has now changed into an even more comical outfit; he's got on what looks like a white fur snowsuit, except it cuts off at his waist. He basically looks like some kind of larvae evolving out of its shell. This caterpillar-tastic performance merits a silver.

[SKETCH] "Hey Kids, Always Recycle...To The Extreme! Bust It!"
You could say that this sketch was...extrememly weak! Chortle chortle chortle. I crack myself up. Geez, there's yet another reference to the goddamn Dinner Roll. Maybe the judges would've been kinder on the move in Salt Lake City if Moseley hadn't given it such a dumb name. I mean, "the Dinner Roll"? Who the hell names a grandiose maneuver after a side dish? What move is he planning for the 2006 Games, the Soup of the Day? Getting back to the sketch, the only mildly funny parts were a couple of the "brah" jokes, but even those were hurt from the fact that Seth Meyers' timing was a bit off, so the deliver seemed forced. Amy looked really good in her wedding dress, at least. I'll rank this skit a Moseley.

[JACK HANDEY] "Did You Walk The Dog?" "Yeah, He Buried Me A Few Times." "Yeah, Dogs Like To Bury Old Junk." "Yeah, You Stupid Idiot."
This one was actually funny, and also more than a little true. I, for one, have never met an intelligent alien named Mila before. Hell, her name probably isn't Mila at all, it's just the closest thing to an Earth name that Handey would decipher. It's sort of like when my grandparents came to Canada, and their original family name was this big long Slavic monstrosity with enough consonants to choke a horse. The immigration attendant just said "Fuck this shit. Your name sounds like...uh, Polishuk. That's close enough. Here's your passport and welcome to Canada, eh?" Who knows, my name couldn't ended up being Polliston, Pollack, Paulish, Paulashuck, Gretzky or any damn thing. Once again, since I'm not worthy of judging eternal battles of the titans, I give this one an NA (but a positive NA).

PERFORMERS OF THE NIGHT: Amy Poehler, Jeff Richards
BEST SKETCHES: Dubya Adds To The Axis Of Evil; Super Buzzers
WORST SKETCHES: Never-Ending Dinner Roll; Typhoid Mary The Musical; The Extreme Wedding
BUSIEST PERFORMERS: Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell, Amy Poehler (5 sketches each)
PERFORMERS WITH ENOUGH TIME TO ZAP DARRELL HAMMOND WITH A DEFIBRILLATOR: Dean Edwards (1 sketch)
PLACES WHERE THE SNL WRITERS COULD EASILY HAVE INSERTED THE NAME 'MARK POLISHUK': One of the letter writers on the O'Reilly Factor; I starred in a short-lived sitcom in the 1970's, so I could've been on the Super Buzzers panel.
MISTAKES: Moseley missed his cue to introduce Outkast during their first performance, so there were a few seconds of him standing there like a buffoon.

STARTING LINE-UP
"You're so retahded you could win an Oscar for our ground-breaking performance as a retahded person."-- Denise (Rachel Drach), to Sully (Jimmy Fallon)

"You have to leave us alone for twenty minutes. Why don't you go look for your leg or something."-- Christa (Maya Rudolph), during DisMissed

"A cow that escaped from an Ohio slaughterhouse was spared last week after former Cincinnati Reds owner, Marge Schott agreed to let it live on her farm. Schott was touched by the story because she once escaped from the same slaughterhouse."-- Tina Fey, Weekend Update

"I started telling Mila about my planet, but she just didn't understand. That's when I thought: is she an idiot or something?"-- Jack Handey, from the Big Thick Book

AFTERSHUKS
This show didn't quite do it for me. Way too many Generation X stereotypes and bizarre fixations with 70's and 80's television stars for me, and not enough actual jokes about them. It's sort of like when I mention, say, former Blue Jays second baseman Nelson Liriano; just saying the name doesn't make me laugh (unless you're one of those people that hates Dominicans, and to that I say screw you for not appreciating a unique people and their culture, you racist prick). To make the reference clever, I have to put Liriano into a funny situation, or give him some funny lines. I can't expect people to laugh at the mere thought of the man himself...well, unless you've seen him play. Then the comedy comes roaring back atcha.

But enough about Nelson Liriano, back to the show. Jonny Moseley was good in a jock-in-a-drama-class kind of way, but certainly nothing special. He should stick to his skiing career, and maybe one day he can be an analyst during the X Games or something. Outkast were quite okay, so mark it on your calendars; Mark Polishuk gave a positive review of a rap act on Saturday Night Live. It's shocking.

Also, there was supposed to be a cameo tonight from figure skating gold medalist Sarah Hughes, but I guess that got scrapped. My sources at SNL tell me that she showed up at NBC earlier in the week, but left in tears because her giant nose wouldn't fit through the doors of Studio 8-H.

Next week's show features Jon Stewart, host of the very funny Daily Show. While I really enjoy Stewart's work, I have some doubts about his SNL viability. He's good as a stand-up comedian and as a fake news anchor (maybe he'll sit in on Update next week), but he's proven himself to be a little less adaptable to other environments (coughcoughTheGrammyscoughcough). Somebody else that wasn't adaptable to the Grammys was next week's musical guest, India Arie; she was nominated for seven of them, and went home with nothing. Be sure to tune in next week, as he debuts a new song "The RIAA Can Burn In Hell." The censors will be working overtime. Until then, adieu.

Mark Polishuk
And You Will Know His Name As The Lord


Episode Review written by Mark Polishuk


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