Derek Jeter / Bubba Sparxxx, Shakira
December 1, 2001


Hello!!! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and they got stuffed on the turkey and pumpkin pie and everything. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRITNEY SPEARS! I'm going to her concert and I cannot wait!!!!!

PRESHOW THOUGHTS: I hate to say it, but I am predicting some pretty sucky sketches tonight. I can't help it! Derek Jeter is a Yankee. I am now a fullblooded Red Sox fan and DARNIT I AM PROUD!!!! But I am SO looking forward to Shakira. That girl can write lyrics!! Bubba Sparkxxx...finally found out who he is and my comment is...eh?
Oh well, on with the show!!!!!!

COLD OPEN-YOU MIGHT BE A TERRORIST IF...: I loved this!! Darrell's John Ashcroft impression is great, but it looks like he's about to have a heart attack! Will Ferrell was great!!
FAVE QUOTES: "If you have a long beard and hang out in the desert, and you aren't in ZZ Top, you could be a terrorist."
"If your idea of getting stoned involves actual stones, and your idea of nudity is an excess of forehead, there may be a possibility that you could be a terrorist."
"If your holiday cards read, 'Merry Christmas, you've got anthrax,' you might be a terrorist."
GRADE: A

MONOLOGUE: This was a one-joke monologue. It worked well in some spots, and died in some spots. But the best was when that guy kept getting hit and then he barfed. I couldn't help it! It was funny!
GRADE: C+

COMMERCIAL-PREPARATION H: I really loved this! Jimmy...AHHHHH! I'm glad that they brought this back after the too-close-together airings of the pregnancy.
FAVE QUOTES: "My rectum! My rectum! My rectum's on fire!"
"You know I gots da buuuuuurrrrrrrrniiiiiiiin!"
"In cream or jiggity jiggity jelly!"
GRADE: A-

THE IGLESIAS BROTHERS: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JIMMY AS ENRIQUE HAD ME ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING!! Chris' impression of Julio Iglesias, Jr. was awesome! But I did NOT like Derek as Umberto. It was just stupid, and he didn't even have an accent! But I loved, repeat, LOVED the irregular mole! Jimmy in leather...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
FAVE QUOTES: "Including Umberto, the one with the irregular mole!"
"I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO BE MRS. HEATHER IGLESIAS!"
"(whispery)Let me be your hero..."
GRADE: B+

YANKEE WIVES: NEVER LET ME SEE DEREK JETER IN A DRESS AND LIPSTICK AGAIN!!!!! But he was good as Soriano's wife...I think that's how it's spelled. Amy as Chuck Nablauch's wife was great! David Cone in a dress...HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!! Derek Jeter DOES look like if the Rock had sex with a Muppet! Wow!
FAVE QUOTES: "Yeah, these are the best seats in the house so we can check if those female fans don't get too close to our husbands...because I WILL kill them!"
"Clarice, no one wants to have sex with Chuck Nawblock!"
GRADE: B+

NEXT WEEK-HUGH JACKMAN AND MICK JAGGER: I LOVE HUGH JACKMAN!!!!!!!! HE IS SOOOOOOO HOT!!!!!!!!!!! whoa, calm down ally ::smacks herself:: okay! I'm fine!

GARY THE CRAZY MASSUEUSE: I thought this was hilarious!!!!!! I loved this so much!! When Chris turned upward when Enya started singing...it was great!!! Ha ha it was all a dream!
FAVE QUOTE: Any time that Chris was singing.
GRADE: B+

COMMERCIAL-DISSING YOUR DOG: I really liked this in some spots! I thought that Will did a good job.
FAVE QUOTE: "I checked with Mortons, but I know you hate them. Oh and by the way...(whispered in the dogs ear)You're a fucking dog."
GRADE: B-

DEREK JETER'S TACO HOLE: I thought that this was pretty good, save for some parts. The comment about New Jersey was great! Jimmy was in a lot of sketches this episode...YEAH!
FAVE QUOTE: "I think you'll agree that my restaurant is one of the best in Northern New Jersey."
GRADE: B-

DEALING WITH THE PARENTS: I liked this...a little. No, just kidding. Chris Kattan beat up Jimmy!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Amy Poehler was great in this sketch! She's like a friggin chameleon! I loved it when they came in really really quickly and Derek started telling the parents how bad he sucked.
FAVE QUOTES: "Dude, your kid sucks."
"If you can't join 'em, beat 'em up!"
"Wow! If I was fifteen, I'd so have sex with you!"
"I've never seen anyone worse, and I work with blind kids."
GRADE: C+

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE-SHAKIRA: Wow. She's awesome. She's gorgeous too! Maybe if I had half of her looks, I'd get a boyfriend! ...Maybe. Ha ha ha! She sang "Whenever, Wherever," and she was so good!
GRADE: A+

WEEKEND UPDATE WITH JIMMY FALLON AND TINA FEY: JIMMY!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE HAIR!!?? Jeez, cut the hair back into the spiky flop I used to know and adore!! Anyway, this was great as usual, with the Point Counterpoint-Derek Jeter Sucks, No I Don't. Seth Meyers is SO GOOD! I love that guy! The naked weather joke was disgusting. And I really didn't need the comment about Jimmy masturbating. That was not something I want to visualize. All in all, great update, but I kept getting sucked into Jimmy's hair. I loved the tribute to George Harrison. Rest in peace, quiet Beatle. My guitar will gently weep.
FAVE QUOTES: "Jeter, you suck in three major ways-so hard, so bad, and wicked bad."
"If you were in the World Series of Sucky, you'd have, like, a hundred rings!"
"MEN. MASTURBATE. ALL. THE. TIME! Right Jimmy? Back to you!" "...Rarely, if ever."
"You can't put down Charlotte because she's only fifteen, and when she gets older, she's gonna be FAT!"
"I'm sorry man, what can I do to make you feel better?" "Will you come and play for Boston?"
"Two days before her televised concert in Las Vegas, someone stole Britney Spears' white and gold Elvis inspired jumpsuit that she used to promote the event. And you know what? I'm not giving it back!"
"The Brazilian city of Espertina says that Orgasm Day will be Celebrated on May 9th. They hope you come."
GRADE: A++++++++++++++

OSAMA PEP TALK: AHHHHHHH THIS WAS HILRIOUS!!!!! Will Ferrell as both Bush AND Osama bin Laden! And in the same night! Awesome!
FAVE QUOTES: "Oh! Hot mic! Hot mic! I kid I kid, it says in the Koran that we cannot laugh!"
"It's cool to live in a cave. Batman lives in a cave!"
GRADE: A-

THE PERM GONE HORRIBLY WRONG: This was...odd. The only thing that kept it alive was the comments that were being made by Ana and Maya.
FAVE QUOTE: "It's a tiny Afro!" "I know! It's porno hair!"
"He does love Areo Speedwagon!"
GRADE: B--

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE-BUBBA SPARXXX: sucked, sucked, SUCKED!!!!!!!
GRADE: F-------

HOLIDAY CHEER: AHHHH THE CHRISTMAS SONG CAME BACK!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!! But Jimmy, the hair...honey...get on the stick...it looks horrible!
GRADE: A+++

MY BIG THICK NOVEL BY JACK HANDEY: Lorne...I will put my foot so far up your butt you'll be sucking my toes until May if you keep showing this crap.
GRADE: Not worthy of any letter in the alphabet.

all in all, a pretty good show!!! Jeter was a cue card maven, but that's okay...Jimmy was in six sketches...YEA!!!

NEXT WEEK: HUGH JACKMAN AND MICK JAGGER

THIS IS SERENDIPITY SIGNING OFF!!!!!!


Episode Review written by Serendipity33


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