Tonight's review will not be written in a traditional episode reviewing style. No, I'm not gonna write the review backwards. I think Polishuk or JD did that already. Tonight's review will be written in... um... dammit, I don't know.
PRE-INTRODUCTION HOOTING AND HOLLERING
To sum up what I think about Derek Jeter, please go to this URL to see a Jeter picture: http://sjsharkie.dagnabit.org/jeter.JPG . There. Now that I've gotten that out of my system, let me preview the musical guests. Bubba who? Sparxxx? I guess one X wasn't enough. For the duration of this review, my name will be Paul Buxxxton. And Shakira is a singer that I've heard a little about. But not enough to say for sure. So with that said, it looks pretty glum.
PAUL BUXXXTON'S POINTLESS LIST CORNER: SPORTS HOSTS!
76m: Fran Tarkenton (Football)
77l: O.J. Simpson (Football)
79c: Bill Russell (Basketball)
81j: John Madden (Football)
84b: Bob Uecker (Baseball)
84l: Alex Karras (Football / Announcer)
84o: Hulk Hogan (Wrestling)
84q: Howard Cosell (Announcer)
85r: Billy Martin (Baseball)
86i: Joe Montana (Football)
86i: Walter Payton (Football)
88s: Wayne Gretzky (Hockey)
89e: Chris Evert (Tennis)
90c: George Steinbrenner (Baseball)
91a: Michael Jordan (Basketball)
93a: Charles Barkley (Basketball)
93o: Nancy Kerrigan (Figure Skating)
94i: George Foreman (Boxing)
94m: Deion Sanders (Football)
99o: The Rock (Wrestling)
01g: Derek Jeter (Baseball)
EPISODE REVIEW COLD OPENING
[ Paul Buxxxton enters an empty Yankee Stadium. Derek Jeter is running down the left field line alone ]
Buxxxton: Hey? What are you doing there, Jeter?
Jeter: I'm just practicing for next season.
Buxxxton: Practicing what?
[ Derek Jeter runs into the wall along left field, and bounces over into the stands ]
Jeter (to himself): Yeah!!! I caught the ball! I caught it!!!
Jeter: I caught the ball! Jeter caught it! The Yankees beat the Diamondbacks and avenge their loss to them last year! [ makes crowd noise ] Yeeeeaaaaaaaa...
Buxxxton: You are one sad person.
Jeter: Hey! You... ... shut up!
[ Derek Jeter throws a bat at Paul Buxxxton, knocking him out ]
Jeter: Eat my shit, you stupid half-Japanese weirdo! I'll start your shitass review for you, dork! ... Live from San Jose, it's Paul Buxxxton Reviews!
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Buxxxton!
[ Paul Buxxxton groggily rises to his feet ] Whoa... that sucked. Anyway, I thought I heard Don say something, so thanks Don if you announced me.
Don Pardo: I sure did, Paul.
Paul Buxxxton: You would never screw up a line like that, right?
Don Pardo: Oh, I've never screwed up a line before. In fact, I bet you two bucks that I will not fuck up this episode..
Paul Buxxxton: You're on. Time for me to start this thing, hopefully it won't be that ugly. And now, the review.
IF YOU HAVE TO COUGH UP A HAIRBALL TO PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME,
YOU MIGHT BE A TERRORIST
This was some funny stuff. Jeff Foxxxworthy is an inbred redneck genius. He's got some of the best redneck jokes in his bag. Darrell and Will were both really good. What if you thought that Afghanistan was the best country in the world? Well, by golly gosh darn, you might be a terrorist. A
I have noticed that the opening montage takes way way longer than it used to. I mean, if you compare today's opening with the one from 82-85, I'd say that the latter was really short. And the music from 82-85 was awesome, truly the best theme music SNL has ever had.
GOOD THING DEREK JETER WASN'T A HOCKEY PLAYER
This was good: seeing SNL writers being maimed and impaled with baseballs and bats. Paula Pell really took one off the noggin, eh? Batter up! Here comes the pitch! The rating of this monologue is a 0.52 ERA. Or a .850 batting average.
OFF DA RIZZO' FO SHIZZO WIT' DA HIZZO IN DA CRIZZO
Awwwww snap fizzzzzles, dawg! They showed this shiznit at the start of da sizzo' but them sucka MC's representin' in da S.N.L. got all up in da shortz of Lorne, and it off da heezy, my white choco bros be back up on da top. Awwww, yeeeeaaaa!*
*Paul Buxxxton would like to apologize for making fun of anyone who talks this way, even though those people have got some emotional wounds to heal. For shizzle.
A TALE OF TWO LATINO MOLES
This was pretty cool. Derek Jeter, not surprisingly, stares at the cue cards the entire time and just has to use his reading skills to get by in this. But Fallon and Kattan weren't bad.
YANKEES IN DRAG: HOW APPROPRIATE
This was somewhat funny after Derek came out in a dress. Then, the two Davids (Cone and Wells) came out in dresses too! I loved that part, because, in layman's terms, I think the Yankees can go blow a goat's ass.
CHRIS KATTAN LIKES MEN
And he proves it in this exciting new sketch, "The Masseusse!" If you order now, you'll see how this sketch resembles one of his earlier Makeout Music bits with Teri Hatcher and Rene Zelwegger. But as you find out in this exclusive sketch, Chris Kattan can be a switch hitter. Order your copy and receive the Junior High edition of "Girls Gone Wild" free! But wait, there's more! If you act now, you'll also receive Mango's new porn video, "Bloke and Choad: Undercover Dicks!" OK... maybe you shouldn't call.
ROVER, YOU FUCKING ASSCLOWN! NO BISCUIT!
Any sketch which will piss off the PETA is good in my book. This is Will Ferrell doing the same great acting he does in other commercials, like Wade Blasingame. I agree with Stooge about Will Ferrell being funnier with a fake moustache.
EVERYONE LOVES TO EAT FROM DEREK JETER'S TACO HOLE
This was a sketch that I found unfunny yet well done. A paradox. The song was catchy as hell.
Aging Beach Boys: Hey, give us some credit, huh?
Sorry, geriatric surfer dudes.
DEALING WITH ABUSIVE PRO ATHLETES
This was good, aside from Derek's dullness. Amy was great as the annoying little sister, and Kattan once again plays the retarded guy.
SHAKIRA TURNS EVERYONE ON
Two words: Holy shit. I would hit that so fast that I'd forget to unzip my pants. Shakira's outfit was awesome.
WEEKEND UPDATE WITH DEREK JETER AND SETH MEYERS
The point counterpoint thing was a great idea! The jokes were also not too shabby. Another great Update. The WUs this season have been awesome. And Seth Meyers has been in a ton of WUs this season too.
NEVER BIN LADEN (EXCEPT FOR THOSE 80-YEAR OLD AFGHANI WHORES)
Aacht, my friends, if bin Laden had his way, camels would have four anuses (or, for those grammar freaks, anii). This sketch was okay, Will did a decent Osama, but the big disappointment was that Osama survived in this sketch. I say blast his damn head off!
I COULD SEE THIS HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE
Derek Jeter gets a perm, but everyone looks so surprised. Really, it's weird. I wouldn't be surprised if Derek Jeter gets a perm, because perms are ridiculous and so are the Yankees.
Bubba Sparxxx is pretty talentless. I've heard these songs before... "Tu Madre," "Get Your Freak On," but I had no idea it was this white chocolate moron. Looks like a cross between Fred Durst and a turnip with a baseball cap on.
CHRISTMAS TIME IS BACK, AND SO IS THAT HOLIDAY DITTY
I don't care if it's the same old song,
Christmas is number o-one,
I don't care if I lost my bong,
Christmas is buckets of fu-un,
I don't care what the networks say,
My only news comes from Tina Fey,
I wish it were Christmas toda-ay,
Even though Santa is ga-ay.
This sketch got a rating of ei-ight,
Paul Buxxxton thinks it's gre-eat.
THE BOOK OF RANDOMNESS ENTERS THE MATERNITY WARD
This is another example of Jack Handey doing minimal work with maximum effect. Or whatever.
Overall, this episode (gasp!) exceeded my expectations. Derek Jeter, while not the best actor, held his own tonight. And the writing staff came up with some good shit. I'm looking forward to the week ahead, including some reruns of the Shakira performance on my VCR until the tape wears down to nothing.
That's it from San Jose... this is Paul Buxxxton, and as the Butthole Surfers would say, "Oh, no, we gotta go, we're not gonna live forever. Why, why, do we gotta die, you know that we'll be together."
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