Derek Jeter / Bubba Sparxxx, Shakira
December 1, 2001

In a continuing attempt to find simple and easy ways to fill up space at the beginning of these reviews, I'm bringing an old gimmick out of mothballs. Here come the SIX DEGREES OF SNL SEPARATION, where I connect the host and musical guest by directors or other actors in six or fewer steps. Given the number of newcomer musical guests this season, this got a lot tougher than usual, so I extended the search to include music video directors. If you complain that this is unfair...well, I thought the game up. I can't lose! It's like Calvinball. So, without further ado...

Reese Witherspoon was in Legally Blonde with Kevin Cooney
Cooney was in Rules of Engagement with Samuel L. Jackson
Jackson was in Shaft, which featured a song performed by Alicia Keys

Seann William Scott was in Road Trip with Andy Dick
Dick was in Zoolander with Sandra Bernhard
Bernhard was in The Reggae Movie with Shaggy
Shaggy's "Luv Me" video was directed by Marc Klasfeld
Klasfeld directed Sum 41's video for "Fat Lip/Pain for Pleasure"

Drew Barrymore was in Best Men with Raymond Berry
Berry was in Training Day with Macy Gray

John Goodman was in Burglar with Vyto Ruginis
Ruginis was in The Fast and the Furious with Ja Rule

Billy Bob Thornton was in Bandits with Richard Riehle
Riehle was in Joe Dirt with Kid Rock
Kid Rock's music video for "Bawitdaba" was directed by David Meyers
Meyers directed Creed's video for "What If"

No known connections exist between Jeter/Shakira/Bubba Sparxxx, or Gwyneth Paltrow/Ryan Adams. If you can find one, you are truly a god.

I got this idea a few months back to start a campaign to get my name mentioned on SNL. If you support the idea of having myself (and by proxy, the entire SNL on-line community), then be sure to either e-mail SNL via their official website <> and demand to hear Mark Polishuk's name on Saturday Night Live. If you are a reviewer yourself, cut-and-paste the following line in each of your reviews (preferably near the top): I WANT TO HEAR THE NAME 'MARK POLISHUK' ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SO IF YOU ARE ASSOCIATED WITH NBC, MAKE IT HAPPEN! Together, we can all make this happen! Go forth, my minions! E-mail, e-mail! Make me famous!

My history professor from last year said that if you ever wanted to find out what a person is all about, ask them who their favourite team is. That, in a nutshell, sums up the importance that professional sports can take in the lives of some people, and also the love affair that people can carry on with their teams for their entire lives. Some guy might get three divorces, disown his kids and alienate his friends, but he could also be a fan of, say, the Kansas City Chiefs until the days he dies. And, as the old Jay Thomas/Susan Dey/Annie Potts sitcom taught us, there cannot be Love without Hate. Every major sports league has one team that everyone loves to hate, and, no matter what league is being dealt with, the key ingredients for becoming a hated team are to consistently win, consistently win to such a point that the team's greatness is shoved down your throat at all times, and to have more than a little bit of arrogance exhibited by either the owner or the players. Examples include Manchester United in soccer, the Dallas Cowboys in football, and (most of all) the New York Yankees in baseball. My hatred for the Yankees is well-established, so I'll just sum up by saying that they buy their championships, they are NOT America's team no matter how many terrorist attacks hit New York and their chief asshole is shortstop and now SNL host Derek Jeter. Sure, Roger Clemens and Paul O'Neill are more obvious choices for the title, since they actually are assholes, but there's always been something about Jeter's smug Lance Bass-meets-the Rock face that makes me hate him so. Also, since he's no better than the third or maybe even fourth best shortstop in baseball (behind Alex Rodriguez, Nomah and arguably Rich Aurilia), all of his publicity about being a living legend is pretty much bullshit. I can pretty much guarantee that if A-Rod, Nomah or even Aurilia was in the NYY lineup, they'd still have four championships in six years. So, in summation, I'm prepared to hate this episode. Not just because of my hate for Jeter, but because athletes are rarely even passable as host. Remember Wayne Gretzky? Deion Sanders? George Foreman? There's a bad omens a' brewin'.

SNL has two musical guests for this episode, perhaps in a subtle way of saying that neither selection is worth getting a solo slot of their own. Since I've never heard anything from either of them before, I'm going into the episode unbiased -- well, I'm incredibly biased against the host, but the musical guests are a couple of tabula rasas. Speaking of Latin, one of the guests tonight is Latino singing sensation...

Ricky Martin: Me!

No, when you start releasing greatest hits albums after only three studio albums, that shows that your career is over. I'm talking about Shakira, who I know nothing about besides the fact that she's apparently hotter than Satan's stove. I've heard that Shakira described as a 'Latino Alanis Morrissette,' which in itself sounds like a concept for a sketch. The other musical guest is Bubba Sparxxx, a rapper that's been described as a combination of Eminem (because he's white and foul-mouthed) and Kid Rock (because he's a redneck...and foul-mouthed). This is not exactly a comparision that makes my heart aflutter. To make matters worse, his name has not only adopted but triplicated the annoying 90's-00's habit of turning the plural 's' into the plural 'z' or 'x'. Let's just hope to God that the triple-X rating isn't a hint of some sort; I do not want to see a big fat naked guy on my TV. Now Shakira, on the other hand....

[COLD OPENING] "Attention American Workers: Your Plant Has Been Taken Over By An All-Star Team Of Freelance Terrorists."
Here, let me try one! "If you kill thousands of innocent people, you might be a terrorist." Hmm...better work on the humour. You would figure that a sketch based upon Jeff Freaking Foxworthy would be a sign that SNL has gone completely down the ol' poop chute, but this was actually reasonably funny. Also probably true to life, since the real Dubya probably belly laughs to Foxworthy every night on the limited-edition Jeff Foxworthy Show DVD boxed set. And when I say limited edition, I mean that Dubya had one specially made just for him. Darrell Hammond is getting all kinds of mileage out of his Ashcroft, Rumsfeld and even Cheney impressions. This makes me suspicious; perhaps Darrell is in fact one of Bin Laden's financial backers. I'm not sure how much Darrell makes per year to justify giving it to a terrorist organization, but every penny must count. Nice touch by the set designers by putting a portrait of Will-as-Bush on the right wall of the set. Anybody know who the president on the left side of the set was? Will and Darrell have alternated the LFNYs for long enough during this season that I'm getting bored. Let, I dunno, Jeff Richards open the show just to mess with people's minds. He's never on the show or anything, so let him at least get the $250 bonus that George Harrison got back in 1976. I'll give the opening 9 hounds on the front porch out of an even dozen.

[MONOLOGUE] "Hang In There Dad, Just Half A Basket Left!" "Wow, You Sure Get A Lot Of Balls For A Quarter."
Since I just talked about changing up opening lines, I'll give the opening line of this review segment to Naive Man.

Naive Man: Wow, it sure was a coincidence that everybody Jeter hit happened to be an SNL writer.

Thank you, Naive Man. You're so naive, man. I could ask for someone to identify the writers in the audience, but then again since I don't have the episode on tape, it's not like I'll go back and review it. The blond woman that got hit was kind of cute, however. The overall gimmick was kind of lame, though it did involve innocent people being injured, which I always find funny. Then again, it did involve Derek Jeter, but it also involved both the fake blood AND the vomit spray, both Saturday Night Live trademarks. Overall, considering that it involved Derek Jeter front and center, not bad. I give it 2 (Jeter's number) out of 3 (Babe Ruth's number).

[COMMERCIAL] "Ah, That's Better. I Can Ride A Bike Again!"
A repeat from the season premiere, where I gave it 15 out of 20. Upon further review, BOTH Jeff Richards and Seth Meyers were in this one. How about that.

[SKETCH]"Wounds Won't Last Long/But An Insulting Song/Burns Will Always Carry With Him. So I'll Settle My Score/On The Salsa Floor/With This Vengeful Latin Rhythm."
Jimmy Fallon finally gets another opportunity to do an impression, which is his greatest strength: NOT UPDATE. Sorry, rant over. Since Jimmy's doing impersonations again, I can rehash my old line about how he sounds and acts just like the target but looks nothing like them. This was a relatively odd little sketch about the Iglesias family and their sultry latino fire that apparently brings women to orgasm on the spot. Damn, I wish I could do that; I need a mole.

ABC Programming Executives: You can have ours. The ratings were terrible.

Speaking of moles, Jeter's facial aberration was downright colossal. Perhaps he got it after Rivera threw that ball into his face during the ninth inning of Game, wait, sorry, Jeter missed it completely because HIS EYES WERE CLOSED LIKE A LITTLE LEAGUER. Unbelievable. Even I, one of the worst ballplayers on earth, can keep my eye on the damn ball. Since the whole joke behind this sketch was Jeter's weird impression of the loser Iglesias brother, things sort of fell apart. Not unlike the Yankees in the ninth inning of Game Seven. In honour of Jennifer Love Hewitt's appearance in Enrique's last video, this sketch gets a Party of Five out of a Nine (which rhymes with fine, which is what Jennifer Love Hewitt is-- man, that was laboured).

[SKETCH] "Why Do The Players' Wives Have Such Bad Seats?" "Sorry, Honey, This Is The Section For The Players EX-Wives. Hit Him In The Groin!"
For an obsessive baseball fan like myself, this could hardly have been funnier. Jokes about Tino Martinez's small dick? Roger Clemens and his rage? David Wells and David Cone in drag? All this needed was a cameo from Orestes Destrade and I would've been in hog heaven. Of course, Destrade played for the Marlins, not the Yankees, so it wouldn't have made any sense, but that's just the fractured world in which I live. Following in the fine tradition of Charles Barkley and the Rock, SNL goes for the "ha ha, look at the big tough athlete in drag" routine. It's getting as old as the "ha ha, Chris Kattan is gay" routine. It would be awfully funny if Roger Clemens, Chuck Knoblauch and Alfonso Soriano kick Jeter's ass at spring training next year. Perhaps Soriano will go all that-guy-on-Jenny-Jones and shoot Jeter in a restroom or something. I know that the second baseman and the shortstop have to be close, but come on. I guess it's safe for Jeter to mock Tino Martinez without fear of reprisal; the Yankees are reportedly on the verge of signing Jason Giambi to be their new first baseman, thus making Tino about as useful as Christopher Reeve in a relay race. Perhaps Mariano Rivera's wife should learn the word 'choke' to her vocabulary after her husband's sorry showing in Game Seven, but I digress. Amy as Chuck Knoblauch's wife looked a lot like Courtney Cox; also, if she had to sleep in the yard whenever Chuck "E4" Knoblauch has a bad game, she must have a tent permanently erected. Just to clarify, my comparison of Jeter to the combo of Lance Bass/The Rock was written before this sketch's comparison of Jeter to A Muppet/The Rock. If nothing else, this teaches us that a) I can write for this show and b) Lance Bass is really a Muppet. This terrific sketch gets E4 (out of respect for Knoblauch) out of E5 -- Scott Brosius must've committed an error at some point.

[SKETCH] "It's Times Like This That I'm Glad I Flunked Out Of That Mexican Med School."
Wow, speaking of the "ha ha, Chris Kattan is gay" routine, here it is yet again. I vaguely remember saying this before (which is an indication of how long these jokes have been going on), but Kattan really must be gay if he keeps appearing in all of these roles. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but imagine if you're Kattan's girlfriend; wouldn't you be disturbed in seeing your boyfriend always play gay characters? Then again, if you're dating Chris Kattan in the first place, you're probably not the most together woman anyway. Objection withdrawn. Anyway, I'm sure that Jordan Davidson (#1) is probably howling over the inclusion of an Elton John song in the sketch, and now is so wound up that he needs a massage...from Chris Kattan! (cue dramatic music) I'm thankful that we male viewers were spared the sight of a shirtless Derek Jeter, since the cumulative squeal from all of the women watching around the world may have caused a lot of shattered glass. As someone also in the service industry, like Kattan's character ended up being, I also occasionally daydream about my customers. Only the females, though. And they have to be big tippers; there is no bigger turn-off than being cheap.

Scrooge McDuck: Ach! That explains why I never get the ladies. And all this time I thought it was just my annoying nephews.
Launchpad McQuack: I kept telling you, Mr. McD. Maybe you need to be a freakishly big pilot, like me. And when I say big, well...let's just say I get a lot of duck tail.

Sketch gets a 700 Foot Ceiling out of A Thousand Clowns. Ah, that Martin Balsam.

[COMMERCIAL]"There Seem To Be A Lot Of Good Obedience Schools Here." "School, Right, Yeah, That's Your Answer For Everything."
Ah irony. Is there nothing it can't do? It can steam out the wrinkles in your shirt, create a suit for Tony Stark and also provide a cutting comment when you need it the most. Like when you're talking to your dog. Cough. Maybe it's just that Will Ferrell has set such high standards over his six years on SNL that I assume that he'll be gold in any sketch, but this commercial didn't quite do it for me. Sure, it was a clever idea and all, but more could've been done with it. Perhaps it would've been funnier had Will gotten off a few Neil Simon-esque zingers and then sat back with a satisfied smirk on his face while the dog just sat there. Then again, any sketch with golden retrievers resembling my dog Trooper gets a positive rating in my book. No, I don't actually keep a book; that's what a hard drive is for. Sketch gets Se7en out of T10n.

[SKETCH/COMMERCIAL]"Here's Your Taco, Sir." "I've Lost My Appetite." "What? But This Comes Out Of My Salary! If I Had A Girlfriend, She'd Kill Me!"
Oh man, was there ever an opportunity missed here. There are so many opportunities for comedy with the topic of athlete-run restaurants, but instead the audience gets a sketch as warmed-over as the average taco at Taco Bell. On a personal note, my brother used to work at the Bell, and it's always a bad sign when meat is in quotation marks on the side of the box. The singing gimmick is starting to get a bit overused this season (like the Kandahar bit from the Billy Bob/Creed show), and singing by itself isn't funny; there needs to be something funnier behind it. Also, who was Horatio's character supposed to be? His name was mentioned, but I was still in shock from hearing Horatio actually use a different voice for a character. Next thing you know, pigs will fly and my foot will stop falling asleep on me. Wait a foot was amputated back in March. Dang, I've got to stop forgetting that. Sure, having one's foot gnawed off by a pack of wild gophers is traumatic, but the doctor said I shouldn't suppress things, like my hatred for Spanish people. And it's this hatred for Spanish people that may have indirectly led (another fantastic segue) to my dislike to this sketch, based upon the Spanish delicacy, the taco. Uno out of doz.

[SKETCH] "Come Here Boy, I Want To Show You Something." "What Is It, A Homemade Bat?" "It's Something Very Special: A Homemade Bat."
As I said before, I am one of the worst baseball players currently alive. If you were to take whomever you think the worst player in major league baseball is, remove at least two of his limbs and then you have a player with my approximate talent. Therefore, I took this tale of a young ballplayer struggling to learn the ropes as a personal shout-out to me. Thanks, SNL!

Voice of Reason: Has your 'get my name mentioned on SNL' campaign failed so badly that you have become that desperate for recognition?

Shut up, Voice of Reason. This sketch was also tremendously funny, since it contained some of that random violence that I so enjoy. It reminded me of the old Joe Pesci Show skits, except that this skit didn't involve celebrity walk-ons and was, well, funny. Maybe this bunch could be brought back as recurring characters, spoofing generic ABC TGIFriday-esque families. I'm kind of conflicted about Amy Poehler's character, since she looks cute as a button in pigtails and I really want to bang her. Now, Amy Poehler herself is around 30, so normally this urge is okay, but she's playing a pubescent girl. So I'm not sure if I have a problem or not.

Michael Jackson: Pubescent girls? Ewww! What kind of a monster are you?

Jeff Richards make his trademark one sketch appearance per show, as a kid that gets walloped with a baseball bat by Kattan's girlie swings. Even I can swing better than that, and I'm not even pretending to beat someone into oblivion. Sketch gets 306 out of 350 because random rankings are almost as fun as random beatings.

[MUSICAL GUEST] "Let's See: Tide...Cheer...Bold...Biz...Fab...All...Gain...Wisk. I Believe Today I Will Try...Bold."
This song is called 'Whatever, Whenever' from her album 'Laundry Service.' Yes, her album is titled 'Laundry Service,' if you can believe that. I don't know why she needs laundry service with so few clothes, but hey. Perhaps it was a bad experience with a laundromat that resulted in shrinking her pants and thus making Shakira's ass look so pronounced during this performance. I know I probably should've been concentrating on the song, but I just couldn't get over all of the junk in Shakira's trunk; that Charo-esque dance routine didn't help matters. Even worse, I couldn't tell with all the jiggling if her ass was actually fat, or just well-rounded. To be on the safe side, I hereby downgrade my original description of her as 'hotter than Satan's stove' to 'reasonably warm as Satan's television after he's been watching it for 45 minutes, maybe an hour.' Maybe all Latino singers have big asses; it's known as the J-Lo clause. I can see where the 'Latino Alanis' tag might come in, since she seemed kind of screechy on the 'my deeeer' part of the chorus. The song was okay enough, so the performance gets 7.5 cottage cheese containers out of 10.

[WEEKEND UPDATE] "We're Going Up To The Bluff To Paint 'Springfield Sucks' In Huge Letters. That Way, Whenever They Look Into Shelbyville, They Will Realize That They Suck!"
This Update was horrible!!!!....well, no it wasn't. I just wanted to see what it would be like to write that for once. University is a time for experimentation, you know. Just the other day I was in a three-way...traffic light. Good jokes included the ones about Elton John, which I'm sure Jordan Davidson (#2) enjoyed, Pee-Wee Herman and Tina's subsequent short rant, Charlotte Church and her incredible insensitivity, and the one about Tina stealing Britney Spears' white rhinestone suit. Yet even in an Update involving the mental picture of Tina Fey in a white, rhinestone-studded jumpsuit, my favourite newsbit was still the one about U2's 'Joshua Tree' album being named greatest of all time in a British poll. And this was a BRITISH poll; when the country that produced the Beatles, the Who, the Rolling Stones, Radiohead, and Led Zeppelin still picks U2 as the tops of the pops, as it were, then you know it must be a fee-nomenal album. I consider it tied with Achtung Baby, personally, but hey. The Derek Jeter/Seth Meyers debate was hurt from the fact that it follow the first rule of every SNL Point-Counterpoint: somebody must be referred to as an ignorant slut. Now, in order to keep the balance of the universe, tomorrow I've got to out and call someone an ignorant slut, and I'll probably get punched for it. Thanks a lot, SNL. The debate was still pretty funny, and Seth can probably get some good coin for a Derek Jeter-autographed BoSox cap on eBay. That will nicely supplement his meager 'featured player' allowance, which rumour has it is $8 for the night plus two popsicles from the freezer. The George Harrison clip was also a very classy touch, harkening back to an era where SNL actually had clever running jokes throughout a show or a season (like the $3000 offer to the Beatles, or the Paul Simon-in-a-turkey-suit thing). Nowadays, the only running joke on the show is Tracy Morgan. This Update gets a ten out of ten...but, in honour of George Harrison, here comes the Taxman. The Taxman takes away two points, so it ends up being eight out of 10. Aw, the taxes!

[SKETCH] "Homer 10, Terrorists 8."
SNL finally says fuck it and turns Osama Bin Laden into a character. Ferrell seems to be giving him the same basic characteristics as his Saddam Hussein impersonation, which is a logical stretch but doesn't say much for originality. I guess there are only so many ways to make a psychotic madman funny outside of putting him in a pink scarf and having Chris Kattan play the part. A pretty predictable skit, but the stuff about Batman and the Harry Potter bootleg was funny. The crowd started off pretty quiet for this sketch, perhaps not knowing what to expect, but eventually got into it after a little while. Since I am drawing a blank about witty or sarcastic things to say about this sketch, I'll just give it six missiles out of ten.

[SKETCH] "The Perm Bank."
For only the third time tonight, Jeter plays a character besides himself. I guess if he had more range, he would've won a Gold Glove by now (rim shot). Gene The Guy With The Perm is probably not the biggest acting stretch in the world, though a sketch where Jeter himself had gotten a perm and shocked his teammates would've been funny. Instead, we get the yuppie brigade making only mildly sarcastic remarks about their pal Gene. Perhaps they never stopped to think that perhaps Gene only got his hair permed in order to create an alibi so that he could kill his father and prevent him from giving away half the family fortune to the aerobic instructor that the father was planning to marry. Hopefully Reese Witherspoon won't defend the aerobic instructor in court, or else Gene's clever plan might be found out. This is the good part about not having hair; it prevents you from getting a really stupid cut. Of course, it also prevents from getting any sort of cut whatsoever, but I digress. Sketch gets 6 and a half curls out of a possible ten.

[MUSICAL GUEST] "Hey Ma! Look At That Pointy-Haireded Little Girl! Guhyuk!"
I feel bad that I'm making this file bigger and thus wasting computer drive space in bothering to review this fool. What a damn waste of time and energy. I guess we can be thankful that Bubba didn't get the idea to include a George Harrison song into his medley, since it would be awkward if George had to spin in his grave before he was actually in a grave. That would be one freaked out funeral director. Bubba shows signs of making it as a rapper, since he already has the mandatory two useless guys (oh sorry, "posse") that come out and rap with him. This embarassment gets xxx out of xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx.

[SKETCH/MUSICAL INTERLUDE] "So Have A Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Kwazy Kwanzaa, A Tip-Top Tet, And A Solemn And Dignified Ramadan. And Now A Word From My God: Our Sponsor."
The second that Pardo introduced the musical interlude bit, I knew that the string quartet was just a front for the Nonsense Quartet (oh, what a clever name). This has gotten to be so repetitive and silly that...I actually like it. Yes, the sketch has come full circle and has endeared itself to me. I now sing its praises and sacrifice cattle to its greatness. Sadly, this was the most professional version yet. Jimmy wasn't smiling as goofily as usual, and even Kattan looked more annoyed than amused during his head-shaking. Tracy just looked pissed that this was his only appearance in the show; you'd figure he'd be used to only being in one sketch per night by now. I enjoy how Jimmy doesn't even bother trying to keep in time with the keyboard playing any more; it's the worst job of syncing on SNL since Sisqo. This classical piece of Christmas fun gets Three French Hens out of Four Calling Birds.

[JACK HANDEY] "Ok, Here's What We've Got. The Rand Corporation, In Conjunction With The Saucer People, Under The Supervision Of The Reverse Vampires, Are Forcing Our Parents To Go To Bed Early In A Fiendish Plot To Eliminate The Meal Of Dinner! We're Through The Looking Glass Here, People."
Remember what I said in my last review about these Big Thick Novel things being a bust? Rinse, wash, repeat. It took me a few seconds to get the joke, I must admit. Amazingly enough, the review is almost as long as the title of the segment, since I can't be bothered to talk more about this weak bit. Chapter 772 out of 2001: A Space Odyssey by Arthur C. Clarke.

PERFORMERS OF THE NIGHT: Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan
BEST SKETCHES: Players Wives, Jeter Helps Patrick, Weekend Update
WORST SKETCHES: Derek Jeter's Taco Hole, Jack Handey's Big Thick Novel
BUSIEST PERFORMERS: Jimmy Fallon, Will Ferrell (6 sketches each)
PERFORMERS WITH THE TIME TO FINISH MY ENGLISH ESSAY THAT I REALLY SHOULD BE WORKING ON INSTEAD OF WRITING THIS REVIEW: Dean Edwards, Tracy Morgan, Jeff Richards (1 sketch each). Dean and Tracy both only get one sketch? They're keeping the black man down!...uh, and in Jeff's case, the squat man down. That explains why he's so squat.
PLACES WHERE THE SNL WRITERS COULD EASILY HAVE INSERTED THE NAME 'MARK POLISHUK': One of Gene's perm-hating friends, and if there's anyone that could've been hired to say that Jeter sucks...
MISTAKES: Nothing, shockingly enough. Jeter had a love affair with those cue cards, but plenty of people have done that.

"If the return address on your mail reads 'A Cave,' then you might be a terrorist."-- John Ashcroft (Darrell Hammond)

"If you have a really long beard, and hang out in the desert, and are not ZZ Top, then you might be a terrorist."-- George W. Bush (Will Ferrell)

"Clarice, no one wants to have sex with Chuck Knoblauch."-- Patrice Williams (Ana Gasteyer)

"How did you meet Roger?"
"He was in an anger management class that I was teaching." -- Candy Soriano (Derek Jeter) and Shanice Clemens (Rachel Dratch)

"Jeter does not do it for me. He looks like the Rock had sex with a Muppet."-- Candy Soriano (Derek Jeter)

"Milton Berle called. He wants his bladder back."-- Dale Sturdivant (Will Ferrell) to his dog.

"If I was 15, I would SO have sex with you!"-- Bridgette (Amy Poehler) to Derek Jeter

"I've never seen anyone worse, and I work with blind kids. Did you raise him in Europe or something? Has he even seen a baseball before?"-- Derek Jeter, on Patrick (Chris Kattan)

"Where would America be comfortable with Pee Wee Herman masturbating?"--- Tina Fey, Weekend Update

"The Brazilian city of Esperantina has announced that Orgasm Day will be celebrated on May 9th. They hope you come."-- Jimmy Fallon, Weekend Update

"Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways: So Hard, So Bad and Wicked Bad."-- Seth Meyers, Weekend Update

"It's cool to live in a cave. Batman lives in a cave!"-- Osama Bin Laden (Will Ferrell)

"While I was looking around the nursery, I noticed that these were not normal children, but children specially bred by Dr. Panzari and his wife to be their family."-- Jack Handey

Goddamn Derek Jeter gets me again. I spend all that time talking about how this show will suck, and he ends up being the best athlete host since Michael Jordan. The sketches were mostly nice and baseball-centric, which is right up my alley. As much as it pains me to give a Jeter show a thumbs up, I have no choice. I won't cave in like Seth Meyers, however: Jeter, you may be a good ballplayer and a passable actor, but you still suck. Shakira was both decent at singing and at being bootylicious (good lord, why did I use that word), while Bubba Sparxxx proved that he suxxx.

Next week's show is hosted by Hugh Jackman, best known for his role as Wolverine in the X-Men movie. If his wit is as sharp as Wolverine's claws, then I predict he'll be an x-cellent host! HA HA I'M UPROARIOUS. Seriously though, his only comic experience that I know of is one stupid movie with Ashley Judd, so the jury is out on his knowledge of all things funny. He is Australian, however, which means that he is biologically obliged to be zany and outgoing, much like that famed Chaplin-esque comic genius Yahoo Serious. The musical guest is Mick Jagger, who is promoting his latest solo album "I Want Solo Royalties, So Fuck You Keith." I predict that Mick will purse his lips and strut during the performance next week. Call me crazy. Until then, adieu.

Episode Review written by Mark Polishuk

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