Derek Jeter / Bubba Sparxxx, Shakira
December 1, 2001

Hi, I'm Jordan Davidson, and I've got my mind set on you.

A fond farewell to George Harrison. While John and Paul were getting the glory, George was doing some pretty awesome stuff that was going unnoticed, and if I can comment, his duets with Paul Simon on the songs "Here Comes the Sun" and "Homeward Bound" were two of my favourite SNL performances ever. If I can preliminarily review that part of the classic SNL episode, I was completely transfixed to the performance and got a little misty-eyed. To a musician who did some great things for music--and was one of Elton John's earliest supporters--I say adieu.

Speaking of Elton John...

Note: "Speaking of Elton John" is a registered trademark of Jordan Davidson's reviews.

Speaking of Elton John, he'll be on A&E's Live By Request on Monday, December 3rd at 9:00 pm Eastern, and to anyone who plans on tuning in, don't be surprised if you hear my name at any time during the broadcast. I'm gonna be on the phone the whole damn show.

Also, a few weeks back on the Paltrow show, I titled all of my sketches with Elton John lyrics, except one, which I labeled as a phony.

So without further Apu, here are the correct answers.

"I trade my accent in on chance and fall back on a foreign tongue." - A Word In Spanish.
"Just like old friends, always together, never apart." - This one was the phony.
"Boston at last, and the plane's touching down." - Holiday Inn.
"And it's sad when they sing and hollow ears listen." - Belfast.
"Rich man sweating in a sauna bath" - Hercules.
"A strange new sound that makes boys explore" - The Greatest Discovery.
"I used to think that New York City fell from grace with God." - Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, Part 2.
"You just blew me away with yesterday's news" - You Can Make History (Young Again)
"It's no good you getting angry, we must try to act our age." - Son of Your Father.
"Beasts and beauties, but they all can dance." - Wrap Her Up.
"We are Spanish, not Caribbean, we are human, not amphibians." - Sixteenth Century Man.
"Did we intend to be the romantic novel you never want to end." - Mansfield.
"Now the road is ended, in your arms I'll sleep." - The Messenger.

Guessing all of the lyrics was, of course, my partner in Elton-related crime, Matt Schroeder. Kevin Paul also correctly guessed six of them, including the phony quote, making all of the rest of you muggles. Ha. My first Harry Potter reference. It may not be my last, either. Yeah, I know you're scared.

Speaking of Harry Potter..

Note: "Speaking of Harry Potter" is a registered trademark of Mark Polishuk's reviews.

Speaking of Harry Potter, not a bad movie. I'm not much of a fantasy buff, but this was pretty well done. The effects, the writing.. pretty good. A good movie to take chicks to... especially if the chick is an 11-year old girl.... sigh. Anyway, before I start wallowing in my own self pity, I'll just go ahead and begin the review.

With all the playa-hating--specifically, Yankee playa-hating--that's been going on, you'd think I went into Jeter's show with a bad taste in my mouth. But as always, your faithful and humble reviewer has an open mind. Because, hey, if Dennis Miller can be a sportscaster, if Michael Stipe can be a producer, and Billy Bob Thornton can be a country singer, surely a guy like Derek Jeter is capable of doing a little comedy. I mean, he's young, he's witty, he plays for a team whose recent success has been hilarious in itself... He's a natural. Still, sports stars hadn't had a great history on the show, and lack of experience was working against Derek. But I remained hopefully optimistic. Also, a little known fact is that "jeter" in French, literally translates into the verb "to throw." And as a shortstop, well, he does a lot of that. I just thought it was a cool coincidence. There isn't much I know about Bubba Sparxxx, except that he looks like Fred Durst had sex with a turkey. Shakira, on the other hand, I know as a Latin singer who likes to shake that can of hers. Little known fact: Her parents couldn't think of what to name her, so they asked a friend if he had an idea, and the friend was originally trying to say "Shaquille," after Lakers' star Shaquille O'Neal. But the friend was Chinese. You do the math.

You Just Might Be Rehashing A Dead Joke If...:
*Let me get this straight, Bush--you think ASHCROFT sounds like Jeff Foxworthy?
*ZZ Top aren't terrorists? Have you heard their latest album? Sheesh.
*I just might have laughed a little bit, but not enough to wake and phone whoever the hell you're supposed to wake and phone.
Grade: C+

*Have you baseball watchers noticed that people are hardly ever hurt by foul balls? You'd think if you got one in the head or the stomach or something you'd be dead before you hit the ground. Mind boggling how they do it.
*Good display of phyiscal comedy. Mr. Peepers would be proud.
Grade: B

Hemmorhoids Commercial:
*See the Witherspoon review for my comments. Preferably my Witherspoon review.

You Mean There's Another One?:
*Amazing impressions by Jimmy and Chris. See what we all mean when we say Jimmy should do more impressions?
*Unfortunately, the actual writing was pretty pointless, though seeing Derek Jeter as a supposed pop icon brought that up a little bit.
Grade: B-

Yankee Wives:
*Hell, if Rudolph Giuliani, K.B.E. can dress in drag on SNL, surely Derek Jeter can.
*Alfonso Soriano is never never never going to have sex with his wife again.
*SNL gets some of its occasional Toronto content when former Blue Jays (who also happen to be former Yankees) David Wells and David Cone show up. Well, it's something.
*Frankly, I like to avoid large groups of people named David--they usually result in a huge multitude of bad jokes about me being "David's son."
*Oh yeah, did I mention the sketch was god damn hilarious?
Grade: A

Interlude: Am I losing it or did Don Pardo say "Ralph Jackman?"

Jordan Davidson's impression of Mark Polishuk's impression of Jordan Davidson grading the masseuse sketch:
*OMG!!!!11111 They played Elton! This scetch rooled dood! Kris Katann is soooooo hot! A++++++++++++++++++++++++++++!!!!!1111

*end impression*
*Er not quite, but the sketch was mildly funny throughout, and the ending was hilarous.
*Once again, we see Kris Katann... er, Chris Kattan trying very hard to quash the rumours that he is gay.
Grade: B-

Dissing Your Dog:
*My dog is overweight, and I diss her about that all the time. All I have to show for that is that famous-among-friends picture of her biting my arm.
*One of those classic Ferrell sketches. Can't go wrong with those.
Grade: A

Derek Jeter's Taco Hole:
*Kudos to Derek Jeter for fooling nobody into thinking he was playing the guitar.
*A few funny jokes; but that song got old fast.
Grade: C

Dealing With Mom And Dad:
*Could this be a recurring sketch? Only time will tell.
*Funny to see an athlete compromise the ethics that made him a role model. I haven't seen that since.. Allen Iverson was in Toronto last week.
*Derek Jeter must really really really like violence.
Grade: B+

Shakira - "Whenever, Wherever":
*Hubba hubba.
*Hoooooooooooooowl! *hits self on head with shoe*
*Good song.
Grade: B

Weekend Update:
*Picture Tina Fey in a Britney Spears jumpsuit. Now picture the orgasm she'll give Barron if she ever hugs him again. Is that really a good thing?
*Those guys who Elton was supposedly too gay for just made my list of people to kill.
*Are you telling me you didn't expect a guy with a name like Pee Wee to masturbate a lot? That's like not knowing the real reason behind the band name of Queen.
*Hilarious point-counterpoint. It sounded like just about every conversation between Adam Grunstein and myself. There, I said it, Adam.
*Again, loved the Harrison tribute.
Grade: A

Osama is Screwed:
*Another Ferrell sketch, sorta, although Osama's character didn't fit that genre well.
*We can only hope this sketch will only be shown once again.. in real life in Afghanistan.
Grade: C-

Bad Perm:
*Frankly, the sketch was sadder than the hair.
*Would have been a funny blooper if the wig had actually come off.
Grade: D+

Bubba Sparxxx: A whole bunch of crap:
*He sang "Get Ur Freak On?" Geez, is there anything not sad about rappers who cover other rappers?
*There was obviously some other stuff in there too.. none of that was too great either.
*Quote from Adam Grunstein: "He should have watched the Harrison/Simon duet to see what a musical performance looks like." There, I said it, Adam.
Grade: F

Christmas Time Is Here For The Bajillionth Time:
*Was there anything different? Seriously, it's really hard to tell.
*Still amusing... but it's not going to be THAT amusing every single time.
Grade: B-

Jack Handey:
*Didn't get it... in fact, forgot about it about three seconds later.
Grade: D-

Good thing for Jeter that musical guest performances and short sketches like the Handey thing don't factor too high in my overall evaluation of the show. Frankly, the rest was very outstanding. Outstanding enough to be my personal champion for best show of the season to date and the recipient of a big solid A. Now how's that for the performance of a non-actor? Frankly, I must admit, Derek Jeter was a good host, and if any of the previous athletes to host are asked back, it just might be him. There, I said it, Adam.

Next week, Hugh Jackman, a talented Aussie actor--there, I said it, Adam--hosts the show. I've seen him in Swordfish and that awful X-Men Movie. And let me tell you, after Bubba Sparxxx's performance, I'm getting pretty damn sick of the letter X. Alongside Jackman, British legend Mick Jagger makes an appearance. Not quite Elton John, but close enough.

Until then, the balcony is closed.

George Harrison:
February 25, 1943-November 29, 2000
"There Goes The Sun."

Episode Review written by Jordan Davidson

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