My name is Paul Buxton, and I am frickin' exhausted. I just came home from a two-day wrestling tournament in Fresno, the largest town in the US that nobody's heard of. I did OK, went 3-0, so I'm not complaining about losing (that'll come later in the season). For now, it's time for me to settle the heck down and review this crap.

USELESS FACTOID OF THE WEEK
The SNL episode that aired the same week I was born was "84a" (no host)/Thompson Twins, on October 6, 1984. I was born a day earlier.

And now, I'd like to introduce a new pre-review rambling feature that is sure to drive everyone crazy. It's called...

OFF ON TANGENTS
Tonight's SNL host is some Aussie actor that I know not much about, other than the fact that he is Australian and has starred in a movie or two. But the weird thing is, when I watch movies that I don't know anything about the actors in those movies, I don't really pay attention to who it is in the movie... because I don't know anything about the actors in those movies, so when I see the credits roll on those mid-80s teen movies, I don't read the credits since I don't pay attention to who those actors and actresses are since I know that they aren't in the show business anymore and they are probably working at Chevron next to some guy with a last name that someone has to puke out a lung to pronounce.

Voice of Reason: Shut up! You're rambling.

Thank you, Voice of Reason. Also, note to self: quit stealing the Voice of Reason bit from other episode reviews written by people with actual originality.

And now, I think I've dilly-dallied around enough. I've got caffeine in my system and I'll start the review before I get all hyper and try to beat somebody over the head with their own feces. Live from San Jose, it's Paul Buxton Reviews!

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Buxton!

Thanks, Donnie. By the way, has anyone ever called you Donnie onstange before?

Donnie Pardo: I do not believe so, Paulie.

Nobody's ever called me Paulie in a non-mocking way before. So I guess that's a first, unless you were mocking me. Whatever...

PRE-COLD OPENING INTERLUDE
Yes, you got that right. This is a new low, the first time I've had to start the actual review with an interlude. I just saw something so moronically bad that I had to go outside and bang my head against the frickin' mailbox a few times. Before the show started at 11:30, I always flip channels while I wait. Sometimes, I listen to Vernon Glenn's sports recaps on KRON 4. Sometimes I see what's on Comedy Central. And sometimes, I take a peek at MadTV to see how shitty they are. Well this took the cake. The MadTV sketch was about two high school wrestlers, wrestling for the state championship. Holy crap, whoever is responsible for that sketch should be handcuffed to a 500-foot metal pole in the middle of a Florida lightning storm. Adding to the Disastro-Meter was the fact that I just got back from a two-day wrestling tournament. (wait, I already told you that... aaaackkk, horrible!) Aah. Now that's out of my system, I hope. Sheesh. I could use some Loose Bear right now. And now, on to my review of SNL, not ShitTV.

DARRELL HAS THREE PERSONALITIES, W. STILL HAS JUST ONE
This was a pretty cool intro. Darrell Hammond played three people in one sketch! Of course, two of them (Al Gore, Dick Cheney) were videotaped, but hey, that's still pretty awesome. His Al Gore was a bit long on rambling though. Great quote from Will Ferrell at the end there. Too bad I didn't write it down. Oh yeah, and too bad that I'm too lazy to rewind the VCR and watch it, since I'm taping Classic SNL.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S DARRELL HAMMOND as AL GORE
"Well, at this point in the debate, I would like to point out that if you look at the number of times on the show in the past three years that we've opened with political-themed sketches and skits, you'll see that I, Al Gore, am ifso-facto, the most frequent character to say Live from New York, ever... even though George W. may have the most actual number of utterances of that very phrase instead of me, please do keep in mind that I still am the most popular man in America."

IT'S AN AUSSIE POTPOURRI OF SINGING, DANCING, AND... UM, AUSSIES!
Oy, mate! This was a pretty good sign of things to come, Hugh is a decent actor, even though he's starring in some sappy, candy-assed chick flick about some guy from the 12th century that raises chivalry back from the dead and uses it to get him some 21st century poon. The singing of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" was fun.

A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS! AND MY FECES TOO!
This was a clever play on words that actually made me laugh, if you can believe that. To get some trippy hallucinogen (or, if you will, a shroomogen) that actually makes you dream up this freaky crap, well that would make anyone crap and laugh at the same time!

JARRETT ACTUALLY CLICKED ON ONE OF THOSE X10 SPYCAM POPUPS?!
Those pop-ups are the most annoying thing you'll ever find. They pop up so frequently, it's like they're really spying on YOU! Jarrett clicked on one of those ads, though, and now he has his own spycam, with which he can spy on his closet-limpwrist friend Jeff. Did you notice how melodramatically grossed out some of the audience was when Jeff sniffed Gobi's dirty laundry? They were screaming it out like they'd never seen a person sniffing underwear.

ROBERT GOULET AND THE BOYYYYYZ CUT THE ILLIN' X'D OUT XMAS RYMZ
This wasn't a typical Goulet sketch, it reminded me more of Red Ships of Spain rather than his CD commercials. There wasn't any rap here, none of that crap. Just Goulet singing some of the classic Christmas songs that everyone loves. The bit with Goulet falling off the roof was pretty good too.

NEXT WEEK, IT'S ELLEN DELESBIENERES AND NO DOUBT
Sounds like an okay episode, I'm not sure how Ellen will do. And I bet Chris Kattan will do an Anne Heche impression. Or, the real Anne Heche might make a cameo. As for No Doubt, it's their second time on the show, and Gwen Stefani's third time on the show if you count her performance with Eve last April.

GAYASS PHOTOGRAPHERS CREEP OUT A CONSERVATIVE NO-FUN-PLEASE FAMILY
This was hilarious! Seth and Hugh did an excellent job of playing fruity Italian vogue photographers. The family tried hard to be unfunny, I think that some of the kids would find the photo guys funny in real life. And I didn't know that some Sears stores still have that old logo on it because the guys in management are stingy bastards.

GOD GAVE ME EVERYTHING I WANT, BUT I'M STILL GETTING OLDER
Just because Mick Jagger is getting old doesn't mean he can still rock. The music was great, don't get me wrong, but Mick looks really old. He was shaking on the stage, à la Beck and Radiohead. 

WEEKEND UPDATE WITH GERALDO RIVERA AND DRUNK GIRL
This was another strong update. The joke about Japanese people being short, while a bit off-color, was still pretty hilarious. The Geraldo Rivera thing was great too. Chris Kattan turns a seemingly inane and stupid little skit into something that has a little bit of humor in it. Well done. The Drunk Girl commentary was excellent. I swear, Drunk Girl has to be the ugliest chick on the show since Melanie Hutsell.

THEY DIDN'T LET THE PERVERT SELL HIS PORNOGRAPHIC DOLLS
This was, um, okay I guess, nothing special though save for the doll with the hand in his pants. "Jist Discoverin," that was clever. This is a doll that Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel would buy for sure!

MICK AND MICKER
Jimmy Fallon's impression of Mick Jagger is really awesome! This one had lots of funny moments, although the mirror image wasn't really a mirror image after awhile, but it dissolved into a funny Jagger impression. Bravo!

SUPERMAN GETS CUT OFF
I don't know if viewers in other markets had this problem, but KRON-TV San Francisco cut off this sketch halfway, as the disembodied head of Rachel Dratch started talking. What the hell?! KRON has always been an inefficient bunghole of a TV station. As for the part of the sketch that I saw, it wasn't all that special, other than the cool floating disembodied heads of Superman's relatives!

MICK JAGGER SINGS AGAIN; I DON'T KNOW THE NAMES OF THE SONGS
Call me a doofus, but I don't know the exact name of this song. Although I've heard Mick Jagger songs quite frequently (who doesn't?), I just can't remember it. This one is a bit softer than the "God Gave Me Everything" one, whatever that was called. Not too shabby!

DONATELLA VERSACE MEETS MICKATELLO VERJAGGE
Another insane Donatella Versace commercial! The facial expressions and pitch of Maya's voice is hilarious! This is her best character on the show, so I hope it reappears. Mick Jagger was pretty good playing whatever character he was playing. Now if only the hot tub scene featured a naked Jessica Alba, then this sketch would get a rating of infinity. But this one gets a rating of infinity minus infinity plus 9.

A KANGAROO ANALLY RAPED MY PARENTS!!!
This was flat out hilarious! Hugh was great in this one, and so was Will. And so was whoever played the assclown kangaroo (Kattan?!?!) A nice end of the show. Having Hugh on the show allowed for lots of Aussie humor.

OVERALL
A great great great show. To quote a famous 3rd century theologian, "This episode fucked MadTV's mother." I couldn't agree with you more. A big shoutout of "Screw you!" goes out to KRON-TV for screwing up the Superman sketch. Come on, it wasn't horrible, it was just OK. Well, that's about all the time I have, and...

Christmas Kangaroo: Hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-dey ho!
Paul: Oh no, it's Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo!
Kangaroo: I'm not Mr. Hankey... I'm your worst nightmare, now bend over bitch!
Paul: F*** you!
[ a fight ensues; the kangaroo loses and his decapitated head flies out the window ]
Paul: That's right, asshole! By the way, stay away from my asshole. That's all the time I have for this review. I'm Paul Buxton, and as Ben Folds would say, "I'm rockin' the suburbs, just like Jon Bon Jovi did, I'm rockin' the suburbs, except that he was talented..."

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