Hi, I'm Jordan Davidson, and welcome to "How the Grinch Stole My Cable."
Well folks, a lot's happened in the past week.. it wasn't really an emotional week or anything like that, but it's been eventful. First off, I now have a job with the most popular restaurant chain in North America.. namely McDonald's Restaurants. And it's not even a grill job, so it's that much cooler. I know a lot of you frown on McDonald's, saying it's a dead end, and that about 80 percent of the meat isn't really meat, but on the huge upside, I'm sort of getting a lot of the customer service training that I never got in my previous jobs in factories and labour and stuff. Plus a crapload of stand-up comedy material.
The rest happened on Saturday itself, and, in an action which tells you how unseasonably snowless it is around here, I was playing basketball in my driveway. I was actually doing quite well despite the fact my hands were a little nippy, but then I sort of fell on my hand, and my left pinkie went pretty much every which way. It's gonna be taped to my ring finger for the next couple of weeks, except when I'm showering and crap like that, so basically, I have 8 regular fingers and one big fat one, so typing's been a chore. So that might explain things.
And the one which may have the most effect on this week's review--partway through Weekend Update, as I was observing Jeff Richards' "Drunk Girl" character--and I've run out of creative ways to say this, so I'll just be literal--my cable went out and didn't come back until the show was well over. As a result, my review, which I actually had planned on finishing late Saturday night, got delayed a little and was also in some real danger of being incomplete. The question is, did I get my hands on a tape in time? Well, I'm not gonna tell you now, I'm gonna keep you in suspense. Unless you scroll down right now, of course, but then you'll spoil the surprise for yourself. And won't that be a shame?
So while I've got you all excited about the mid-review cliffhanger, I'm gonna get on with the review.
Hugh Jackman is a fella I haven't had much exposure to, the only movie I've seen of his was Swordfish. That's right, I never bought into the X-Men fad. And in Swordfish, he was, well, overshadowed by the part where they showed Halle Berry's boobs for about a minute or so. But let me tell you, those are a couple of big shadows. Of course, with an Aussie hosting, you knew by now our pal Adam Grunstein would come up, and he's the one raving about how Hugh had an awesome career Down Undah before making it up here. And he'd know best, cuz he's an Aussie, just like I, as a Canadian, knew Tom Cavanagh of "Ed" fame was cool before any of you Americans knew he ever existed. Funny how it works out that way. And if any of you are concerned that Adam is biased because he's Aussie, four words. Canadians hate Bryan Adams. I hope that sums it up. Meanwhile, Mick Jagger, one of the most legendary living singers who hasn't been knighted, shows up for a couple. Isn't life grand?
All The President's Men (And Robots):
*Meyers playing Myers. Isn't that how it always should be? Now do you people believe me that Mike Myers should have been in the Halloween movies?
*Maybe Al Gore's barber should have suggested a shave.
*I take back a statement I made about a year ago. Now I say Gore would have been the most entertaining presidential candidate to have been portrayed as a president on SNL.
*Huge walkman? Where's the huge walkman? Oh.....
*Rachel and Hugh, sittin' in a tree....
*The first of a zillion times I'll hear Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. Though I imagine the last half-zillion will be on Christmas Day.
*I just got the crap scared out of me by that sketch. (Actually, I liked it a hell of a lot, but that line was just way too good to leave out.)
*Now I know how marijuana can be so medicinal.
*This used to be one of my most hated sketches. And I've tried hard to keep it that way. But now I just can't stop laughing at those characters.
*Smoking mistletoe? Now I've heard everything.
*You can never tell if they're really breaking up.
*Cool impression by Hugh Jackman of Adam Grunstein. I'll be expecting a white-powdered letter from Adam any day now.
*And that whole video thing... genius. Most improved sketch of the year, perhaps.
Robert Goulet All Holiday Special:
*As if Will Ferrell's impression of Robert Goulet wasn't good enough, we now see Will Ferrell's impression of Robert Goulet's impression of Will Ferrell. Try saying that while you're high.
*A lot of the jokes were pretty predictable, but presented in a pretty funny way.
*Once again, Seth Meyers and Hugh Jackman are working very hard to quash the rumours that they are gay. Well, technically, there aren't any rumours... yet.
*This was just kinda weird. No real humour, a few okay sight gags. Nothing too special, though.
Mick Jagger - God Gave Me Everything:
*The dude's almost 60 and he still has what it takes to rock it out.
*When it's Mick Jagger, you have to silhouette him before you show him. You just have to.
So here we are, right before Weekend Update, the sketch during which my cable bit it. Well, let me tell you, Wednesday night I was almost ready to give up hope. But it is now Thursday afternoon at quarter to 3, and about three hours ago, this dude with a big truck showed up in my driveway with a tape of this very episode, from Spokane, Washington, all the way across North America. As you may know, Spokane is the hometown of Matt Schroeder. Matt, thank you very much, and thank you to everyone else who offered to send a copy of their own. But fellas, when it comes down to it, my streak of 67 complete reviews continues thanks to former reviewer Matt Schroeder.
That's right, I said former. For those who only read these reviews from Sean's site, you missed Matt's Billy Bob Thornton review, which was only posted on my message board. In that very review, Matt announced his retirement, saying he would only review one future episode and then stop. The reason was simple; Matt was just too tired of repeatedly being disrespected because some of his grades and comments were deemed unacceptable by some people. And I hope those people know who they are and are reading this right now, because I've had something to say to them for the past week or so.
Thank you very much for ridding the episode reviewing world of one of its best reviewers, and more importantly, one of its best people, simply because you can't swallow a grade or two or twenty. Of course, you can criticize where it's due, but this is something Matt has gone over on the board several times in the past few months, there was absolutely no excuse for bringing it up again. You'd think most people who can find their way around the Internet are smart enough to know that it's okay to have differences of opinion. God knows I've had mine with Matt, God knows I've had mine with Mark Polishuk, God knows if you search the entire archives of the site, you will not find any two people who have graded the sketches identically for any episode. And that's how it should be. If everyone had the same opinions, there would be no need for reviews, and this whole online community, not to mention this whole planet, would be boring as hell. So all because a few idiots couldn't grasp that concept, one of our best reviewers has been silenced, and one of my best friends has been driven away from an activity he previously enjoyed. If that was what you wanted, mission accomplished. I hope you're happy, assholes. I wish everyone could see how angry I am as I'm typing this, it's just so insane what we put up with.
You know, in a way I now feel the cable problem was a blessing in disguise, as it gave me an opening to get all of those feelings out. So to the cable company, thank you. And now, with a gracious thanks to Matt, I have a review to complete, so I'll just continue.
*Geraldo with a gun. Now I've seen everything. If he ends up killing Osama, these jokes are bound to stop, so good to get them in now.
*Now we know the real reason Jeff Richards was shaving his back.
*Some good jokes and Drunk Girl was entertaining. A bit short, though.
*Before this show, the name "Vince" had been officially un-gayed by Vince Carter. This fella Hugh was playing gayed it up all over again.
*L-O-L semicolon parentheses at the spelling of Bwowin Bubboos.
*A huge laugh at the doll who was, er.. in control of a worm.
*The magnitude at which I liked this was surprising.
*70's, 80's, 90's, this decade.. that is pretty impressive.
*Jimmy's Mick doesn't beat Mike Myers', but it wasn't bad.
*Not the funniest thing in the world.. but mildly entertaining.
History of a Super Man:
*I always thought Superman knew all of this stuff already.
*There are the gay Superman references again.. wow.
Mick Jagger - Visions of Paradise:
*Another good song. Elton-worthy, even.
*Oh boy, I'd hate to work for her. Though being in her bathroom wouldn't be bad.
*If that's smiling, I'd hate to see when she's pissed off.
The Christmas Kangaroo:
*Adam Grunstein's probably thanking his lucky stars that he's Jewish.
*A very hilarious concept. This might even be a good recurring sketch, of sorts, talking about the holiday traditions from other countries and stuff. See, I could write for this show.
*Good way to end the show.
This show was well worth waiting five days to see the end. A very entertaining package of sketches which totalled a great show. Good enough to eclipse the previous week's Derek Jeter episode for my favourite of the season. Right here we've got a good solid A.
Thanx again to Matt Schroeder for making the second half of this review possible. I apologize if my pissed off outburst in the middle of the review was a little insane, but I felt that those things just had to be said, and I just hope some good can come of it.
Next week, Ellen DeGeneres closes out the calendar year of 2001 by hosting the official Christmas show of the season. With her is No Doubt, and there's no doubt in my mind that they'll be out to put on a great performance. But will they? Until... two days from now, later.
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