Kirsten Dunst / Eminem
May 11, 2002


FROM THE OFFICES OF "THE DOC"
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OK, I have to get this great number of things of my chest before they burrow into my skin and lay eggs in my heart. (How's that for an introduction?) First thing's first, not to sound like I'm delivering a eulogy or anything, but I'm as shocked as anyone else over the departure of castmember Will Ferrell. So many characters he brought into comedy, I guess what I'll miss the most is his George W. Bush. Thanks to him, we all felt just a little smarter about ourselves. We will also miss his occasional fits of anger, as well as his attempts to make certain pieces of music unlistenable, with his half of The Culps.

But what I think we'll miss the most about Will Ferrell, is the fact that...(And I'm probably going to recieve a lot of feedback from the following statement.) ...He's the Phil Hartman of our times. Sure, he has pulled off a few shockers in his time, (Short shorts and ripping off David Allen Grier's head.) But it's stuff like that that has made him as popular as he was. (THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE) And I think that next week, you'll be seeing him  (Probably) performing his finest work ever. You can expect a "Best of" show in his name to come in a few weeks.

In other rants, I was lucky enough to see "Spider-man" last week. (Even though it took a 2nd mortgage to see it, if you know what I mean.) And now, as part of a "Doc Exclusive", I'm going to give those people who have NOT seen the movie yet, the lowdown as to what happened. Aside from the origin part of the story, The most incredible scene in the movie comes when...(EDITED FOR CONTENT) There is of course a gripping scene where...(EDITED FOR CONTENT) And let's not forget the special apperance by...(EDITED FOR CONTENT) Also I have been to many Wet T-shirt contests in my lifetime, but consider Kirsten Dunst to be the queen of it all after that upside down kiss scene! Which leads me to the show...
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Bush Stupidity Test or ..."And a bit of turmoil at the White House today when President Bush stuck his finger in an electrical socket... The President was told by Vice President Cheney, 'That's where Leprechauns hide their gold', more at 11".

My question is, who's going to play Bush when Will goes south? I guess I could see Jeff or Seth doing it. Anyway, this was a good idea... until the dreaded use of repitition claimed it. I could think of other things to say about it, but there isn't.

Diagnosis: C-
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Monolouge or "...The grown up in me likes the prospect of fun, but the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I will become."

(BONUS CREDIT FOR FLASHBACK CLIP AND ORIGINAL "SPIDER-MAN THEME SONG.) One of the drawbacks of staring in a big movie like "Spider-man", is doing something obligatory involving "Spider-man". Let's face it, if Spidey was that big, he would definately NOT be swinging from some web goo. (It would probably snap within seconds) But, who am I to judge? I applaud Horatio's efforts to score with Kirsten. But let's face it, she has the hots for Jimmy. (Admit it!)

Diagnosis: C
(B- W/Extra Credit)
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Pregnancy Test or "...Well, well mother, we meet again."

I wish I had a thesaurus so I could come up with better words that what I'm about to say... This sketch was very...good. OK, I admit it, lame idea! I mean, if someone is that big, and has a bulge coming out of their stomach, I've got news for you girl... That 'aint intestinal growth! I guess the only good thing about this, was that special effects weren't needed for this. (If you know what I mean)

Diagnosis: C-
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Last Call or "...Does anybody know what time it is? (AUDIENCE) TOOL TIME!!!"

I have a Daly in my toolbox. It looks like a wrench, but it's small...REALLY, REALLY SMALL. (AUDIENCE BOOS BAD JOKE) Look, he says he's a massive tool, I work with what they give me, their problem, not mine. Anyway, Since they make "Last Call" in the same place as SNL, I figure that what I just said has absolutely no relevance to anything whatsoever. (My "Big words moment" of the year, folks.) The main focal point of this thing was Kirsten's vocal ability and sucky piano playing. (That is to say, if it really is her playing.) Jimmy was just blending into the "carson" role as usual. So this doesn't completely suck.

Diagnosis: B
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TV Funhouse or (INSERT BAMBI REFRENCE HERE)

Good lord, it's "Titey" All over again! I was supprised to find TV Funhouse on this early in the show. Just about every modern day move cliche' was used in this. Some soft spots I had were of "The Matrix" and the Terrorists getting their asses kicked. David Spade and the Subway guy were un-necessary, as was the rapping segue. In other words, it's the same kind of crap that the Disney people would churn out for just such a movie. This sketch (Despite passing grade) get's my famed "Oy vey of the day" Award, because disney films of this day and age make me spew.

Diagnosis: C-
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Alzheimer Drug or "...Do you listen to yourself when you talk? I drift in and out."

Short, simple and to the point. (OLD MAN: "And that's the way, I likes it!") OK old man, go into the corner. Many of my relatives suffer from memory loss, (Not Alzheimers, but pretty damn close.) High point is all of Rachel's mannerisms and the family's total ignorance.

Diagnosis: A
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Soap Crowd or "...Everything they've ever said about the soap in prison is true, Brian...You can't hold on to that stuff to save your life, it's so slippery."

Hmmm, this reminds me of something familiar...Oh, Yes! It reminds me of that Damn David Spade sketch where he's saying everything "Felicity" is saying. Only difference, is that this is actually funny. Kattan looked serious for the first time in years, And the others were delivering their experessions as if it were a pizza. (DENNIS MILLER: I've heard better similies in A Steven Soderburg movie.) Uh, yeah OK. All I'm saying, was that it was good.

Diagnosis: B-
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Jarrett's Room or "I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker..."

America's #1 reason to get high ladies and gents. I have the exact same lightsaber bong in my garage. (It's hidden under boxes of "Crown Royal" and AK-47's) Gobi must have taken a light hit or two, because he didn't seem as doped up as any other time. Score another point for Jimmy and Kirsten. As far as Amy goes, she didn't act high enough.

Here's a question for you, where the hell has Jeff Richards been? (Jeff of course plays the foil in the Jarrett's Room sketches.) Seems as though he's dissapeared since the Cameron Diaz show. (Then again, he isn't called a FEATURED PLAYER for nothing) Must be all that Chris Parnell envy. Where was I? Oh, yes. The part that sucked the most was DJ Feinstein's lack o'tunes.

Diagnosis: C+
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EMINEM

In case anyone want's to know, I voted for Aqua to be the next color of M&Ms. I Had no other reason to bring that up except for the fact that it made a good seugeway. Let's move on...
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Update or "...And now, here with the weather is our own 'Greg, the weather mime.'"

Doing FAR better than the last one. Jokes are alright, seeing Kattan "Naked" is something that will help me enduce murder/suicide (KIDDING!) And Parnell might be a "Cracker", but at least he has EMINEM beat. (When it comes to rapping ability) The big problem with this, were the "Hilton Sisters". Very much because of the fact that I have no idea who they are. Other than that, good update.

Diagnosis: A
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Penthouse Trial or RICHARD NIXON: "Sock it...To Me?!?"

As an avid fan of all things television, "Laugh-in" ranks up there as one of the greats, so I guess it was easy to enjoy this. Kirsten's attempt at an accent was (BRITTISH VOICE) Rather Humerous. Big problem with this, was Will being "flexable" with his Guccione. Chris Parnell played him on "Presidential Bash 2000", why not here? Oh well, some things you just can't fix.

Diagnosis: B-
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Wake up wakefield or "She's a whiney little runt isn't she."

Yeah, I know I used that one up for a Celine Dion sketch. But to me, it's an all purpose/equal opportunity quote. Oooh, they set the scene at a slumber party! What dramatic change! At the rate Jimmy and Kirsten keep sharing scenes, (Among other things) they'll probably become a power couple by 2003, and that's the Doc's Guarantee! ("Yeah, it rhymes, big whoop! Wanna fight about it?") This doesn't change the fact that they should stop doing these.

Diagnosis: D+
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EMINEM Meet's the DeMarcos or "...Meg, read Psalm 18 and don't stop until I tell you to...The power of christ compells you, The power of christ compells you!"

Earlier, I mentioned one of the drawbacks of having the #1 movie in America. Now, you're about to see yet another drawback. This one shows what happens when Chris Parnell comes back to the show, We get another one of these sketches. Only good to ever come from this, is Kirsten's "Body Movin" and Kattan's "Melt in your mouth..." comment. And of course, the music act's comments...Which actually makes this one a little better than the others. (Emphasis on "little")

Diagnosis: C-
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Big Thick Novel or I'd bring up a Viagra joke, but now's not the time...

Good old Jack. When it comes to sardonic one liners, he's got them.

Diagnosis: B
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Grand Diagnosis: B

Prescription: I've got nothing much to criticize. Not too bad, not too good.

Next Week: It's all come down to this, the season ends with only the 4th convicted person to host. (AUDIENCE BOOS REALLY BAD JOKE) What?!? What did I say? Only the facts, that's it. Wynona Ryder is on next week. As well as the smoothest man in music, MOBY! And since it's the end of the year, I will hopefully be peddeling out those awards that the SNL guys get for being good at what they do. That's right, it's "GOLDEN LORNE AWARDS" Time again.

That all happens next week, but until then "The Doctor is out"!


Episode Review written by The Doc


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