Kirsten Dunst / Eminem
May 11, 2002


SNL GUESS THE HOSTS/MUSICAL GUESTS CONTEST FOR 2001/2002
Presuming that everything goes as scheduled for next week -- and if it doesn't, I'll make the corrections after first shrieking to the gods in frustration and cursing SNL's bookers for the rest of eternity -- here are the final standings...

14-- Marie Royce-Smith: 5 hosts (Reese Witherspoon, Drew Barrymore, Gwyneth Paltrow, Billy Bob Thornton, Cameron Diaz); 9 music (Alicia Keys, Sum 41, Macy Gray, Ja Rule, Pink, Britney Spears, Outkast, P.O.D., Moby)

13-- Mark Polishuk: 6 hosts (Reese, John Goodman, Gwyneth, Josh Hartnett, Jon Stewart, Kirsten Dunst); 7 music (Keys, Sum 41, Creed, Mick Jagger, No Doubt, Britney, Moby)

11-- Birdman: 5 hosts (Reese, Drew, Goodman, Jack Black, Stewart); 6 music (Keys, Sum 41, Ja Rule, Creed, Britney, P.O.D.)
Matt Schroeder: 6 hosts (Reese, Goodman, Ellen Degeneres, Hartnett, Stewart, Dunst); 5 music (Keys, Sum 41, Macy Gray, Ja Rule, Shakira)

9-- Steve Bishop: 4 hosts (Reese, Drew, Black, Dunst); 5 music (Keys, Sum 41, Macy Gray, Britney, P.O.D.)
Art Vandelay: 3 hosts (Reese, Seann William Scott, Drew); 6 music (Keys, Sum 41, Macy Gray, Creed, Britney, Eminem)

8-- Mikintosh: 5 hosts (Reese, Goodman, Gwyneth, Billy Bob, Black); 3 music (Keys, Sum 41, Britney)
Jojo: 2 hosts (Seann William Scott, Ellen); 6 music (Keys, Sum 41, Ja Rule, Creed, Britney, P.O.D.)
Sean O'Connor: 4 hosts (Reese, Goodman, Gwyneth, Hartnett); 4 music (Keys, Sum 41, Creed, Britney)
Nick Mayhew: 4 hosts (Reese, Goodman, Stewart, Alec Baldwin); 4 music (Keys, Sum 41, Macy Gray, Britney)
Kris Thompson: 2 hosts (Reese, Goodman); 6 music (Keys, Sum 41, Macy Gray, Shakira, Britney, Outkast)

7--Charlie G: 3 hosts (Reese, Goodman, Baldwin); 4 music (Keys, Sum 41, Ja Rule, Creed)
Jordan Davidson: 4 hosts (Reese, SW Scott, Goodman, Stewart); 3 music (Keys, Sum 41, Britney)
Lorna Mitchell: 7 hosts (Reese, SW Scott, Hugh Jackman, Britney Spears, Diaz, Baldwin, Dunst); didn't submit musical guest picks
Charles "BrisbaneBB": 7 hosts (SW Scott, Drew, Gwyneth, Billy Bob, Hartnett, Diaz, Dunst); didn't submit musical guest picks

3-- Adam Grunstein: 2 hosts (Reese, Black, Dunst); didn't submit musical guest picks

2-- Stooge: 2 hosts (Reese, Dunst); didn't submit musical guest picks

So as you see, the overall winner is Marie Royce-Smith, with 14 out of a possible 40 correct answers. As a prize for winning, you get a...uh, a hearty congratulations! If you're wondering why there was no more substantial prize for winning, consider that a) people are starving in Afghanistan, and so we shouldn't be greedy, and also b) I'm cheap. Perhaps I'm also bitter, since I finished in second place with 13 correct answers; faraway, so close. Matt Schroeder and Birdman tie for the bronze medal, with 11 correct guesses each. In addition to the overall competition, Marie also wins the musical guest category with an amazing nine out of a possible twenty correct guesses; nearly 50 %. Lorna Mitchell and "BrisbaneBB" Charles win the host competition, with seven correct guesses each. These two were also by far the highest of those who only selected hosts and not musical guests, since Adam Grunstein and Stooge both finished well out of the running. Stooge gets the booby prize, but at least he finally got a second host correct with Kirsten Dunst. Hooray for everything.

The most popular host was Reese Witherspoon, who got 16 out of 17 picks mostly because she was announced as host for the season premiere two months in advance. For the same reason, Alicia Keys and Sum 41 appeared on every ballot that made choices for musical guests. The most popular host that didn't appear on SNL was Ben Stiller, who was also booked well in advance but pulled out at the last minute in October as a result of jitters over security. The most popular non-appearing musical guest was...well, this would mean I'd have to go through everybody's ballot and keep a running tally. To hell with that. Some of the more popular entries included Mariah Carey, Blink 182, Incubus, Alien Ant Farm, Staind, Papa Roach and Michelle Branch.

So in total, the hosts that nobody picked were Derek Jeter, Jonny Moseley, Sir Ian McKellen, the Rock and Winona Ryder. The out-of-nowhere musical guests were Ryan Adams, Bubba Sparxxx, the Strokes, India.Arie, Kylie Minogue, Jimmy Eat World and Andrew W.K.

Congratulations to everyone for playing, and now, to hail your good effort, I will mock some of your picks that might've made sense back in September, but in retrospect seem, to quote Jesus Quintana from The Big Lebowski, laughable, mang. As goofy as some of these picks seem, several appeared on more than one ballot, too. Just imagine what some of these shows would've been like...

Birdman--- Robert Downey Jr; Guns N' Roses
Matt Schroeder--- Jerry Springer; Little T & One Track Mike
Mikintosh--- Mariah Carey as host; S Club 7
Jojo--- Tony Hawk; Neil Diamond
Charlie G--- David Arquette; Willa Ford
Sean O'Connor--- Alex Rodriguez; Poison
Stooge---Mandy Moore as host
Nick Mayhew---Daniel Stern; Smashing Pumpkins (who had already broken up)
Jordan Davidson---Chi McBride; Lil' Bow Wow
Adam Grunstein---David "Angel" Boreanaz
Kris Thompson--- Jan Hooks; Hanson
Marie Royce-Smith--- Johnny Knoxville; Dream
Steve Bishop--- LL Cool J as host; Nikka Costa
Lorna Mitchell--- Chris Klein
BrisbaneBB--- Mila Jovovich
Art Vandelay-- Estella Warren; Jessica Simpson
Mark Polishuk-- Alyssa Milano; Maxwell

SELF-INDULGENCE CORNER
We are now past the one year anniversary of my first announcing my campaign to get my name on SNL. The results so far have been utter and complete failure, but I remain hopeful. If you support the idea of having myself (and by proxy, the entire SNL on-line community), then be sure to either e-mail SNL via their official website <http://www.nbc.com/snl> and demand to hear Mark Polishuk's name on Saturday Night Live. If you are a reviewer yourself, cut-and-paste the following line in each of your reviews (preferably near the top): I WANT TO HEAR THE NAME 'MARK POLISHUK' ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SO IF YOU ARE ASSOCIATED WITH NBC, MAKE IT HAPPEN! Together, we can all make this happen! Go forth, my minions! E-mail, e-mail! Make me famous!

SHOW OVERVIEW
Kirsten Dunst makes her SNL debut, a week and a bit after Spider-Man has made her an official household name. I saw the flick a few days ago and was impressed, which is saying a lot since I was a big Spider-Man comic reader back in my younger days and was expecting to be let down in a X-Men kind of way while praying to God that I wouldn't be let down in a Batman & Robin kind of way. I had a few qualms with the movie, however;

* I was on a Disney-themed cruise when I was a kid, and when on my way back to the room one night, I saw the guys in the Chip & Dale, Pluto and Goofy costumes out on the balcony, taking a break. The costumes just looked lifeless and creepy, and the same thing happened in Spider-Man during the scene when the Green Goblin has Spidey dazed on a rooftop and is trying to convince him to team up. When they're moving around, the costumes look okay, but when stationary, they're downright goofy. Also not helping was the fact that the scenes were so obviously dubbed that I expected Bruce Lee to suddenly walk on-screen and start laying waste to the Goblin. It's time to face facts; the Spider-Man outfit just doesn't translate well to the big screen; it's hard to look bad-ass in red and blue, as originally proven by Christopher Reeve in the Superman movies.

* Who was the genius that decided to put Willem Dafoe, who has one of the most expressive faces in Hollywood, behind a steel mask when he's in the Goblin costume? Sure, the Goblin Halloween mask from the comic books would've looked supremely stupid, but the facemask was just as bad.

* During the scene when Spidey saves the tank-topped Mary Jane from the muggers, did it really have to be raining? I mean, as a member of a male gender, I'm not complaining, but it's always just so blatantly obvious that the purpose of the rain is to make sure that the actress's exterior lungs are prominently featured. Doesn't the director ever feel like a sleaze in describing this to the actress? I mean, Kirsten Dunst is only 20, for God's sake...it's just a few years away from a crime.

And that takes us back to Kirsten Dunst, the host of the show. Based on her co-hosting gig with Jimmy Fallon at the MTV movie awards, I'm predicting a good, but giggly, hosting performance tonight. I may also be a bit biased because Kirsten Dunst is one of the select few on my Freebies list, which you Friends fans will remember as the list of five people that your significant other would let you cheat with if the opportunity ever arose. My --domestic-- list of five includes Kirsten, Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry, Liv Tyler and (of course) Tina Fey, with Britney Spears as the backup. My foreign list of five is Cate Blanchett, Zhang Ziyi, Famke Janssen, pre-haircut Claire Forlani, Sophie Marceau and Kate Winslet as backup.

The musical guest is a man on no sane woman's Freebie list, Marshall "Eminem" Mathers. I just had a horrible thought; my late uncle's name was Mathers. The chance exists that I may be related to Eminem in some way. Geez, a chill just ran up my spine. Eminem is promoting his latest album of homophobia and also his movie, 8-Mile, which you'd think would suck but is directed by the usually-reliable Curtis Hanson. So maybe Eminem will go on to movie stardom, which would be really ironic considering Hollywood's population is at least 3-to-1 in terms of homosexuals to heterosexuals. With those odds, he'll come around eventually and be spending his days in hot tubs with Ellen Degeneres and Gary Busey. It'll be heartwarming. As for his performance tonight, it'll almost certainly suck unless Curtis Hanson somehow....no, not even he could save this.

I watched the show this week with my friend Trevor, who, as always, will be providing insightful commentary.

[COLD OPENING] "Hmm, There It Is. Aust-ra-li-a. I'll Be Damned. Look At This Country! U-R-Gay!"
This might be the last time we see Will Ferrell play George W.Bush!...except for inevitable future hosting gigs, possible cameo appearances, and next week's show. While that does take a bit (okay, a lot) of the poignancy out of the sketch, it's still good to see Will rev up the Bush Is An Idiot train for yet another run. This skit delivered on the simple premise, so there's nothing to complain about here. Watching Dubya mangle and confuse the names of foreign leaders did remind me of the time I helped my brother study for a history test. According to him, World War I was between the Americans and the British. Sigh. This opening gets 1776 (the year of American independance) out of 2368 (the year when the United States is assimilated into the Icelandic empire).

[MONOLOGUE] "Or What? You'll Release The Dogs, Or The Bees, Or The Dogs With Bees In Their Mouths And When They Bark They Shoot Bees At You?"
Trevor Sez...
Kirsten Dunst is hot.
Amen to that, brother. Not the best deliverer of a monologue in the world, but hey. Interesting fact about her appearing as one of the kids in Dana Carvey's bit back in the day; even more interesting was the fact that one of the other kids was played by a young Tracy McGrady, who soon underwent a massive growth spurt and...uh, turned black. Note to self: confirm these sources. As expected, the monologue was about Spider-Man, with (of all people) Horatio Sanz filling the tights of the webslinger. Remember what I said earlier about the costume looking goofy? When applied to Horatio, double it. That must be one strong harness if it can hoist Sanz up there. Also, those tights leave little to the imagination, so it's probably a good thing that the camera didn't pan down when he was getting kissed by Kirsten. Way too many awkward pauses in this one to make it interesting, though kudos for the use of the original Spider-Man cartoon theme song. 1000 bees out of 1500.

[COMMERCIAL] "Hey Homer, Way To Get Marge Pregnant!" "This Is Getting Pretty Abstract, But Thank You, I Do Enjoy Working At The Bowling Alley!"
SNL takes advantage of Ana "Stand Back, She's Gonna Blow!" Gasteyer's pregnancy for a funny ad. I think NBC should've taken full advantage and cast Ana in the role of Rachel on Friends for the past six months, since lord knows that Jennifer Aniston's fake pregnancy isn't working. She's still stick-thin, just with a big bump in her stomach; it looks like she's trying to smuggle a watermelon. Anyway, the commercial was funny, but there have apparently been cases where the mother actually didn't realize she was pregnant until the baby actually came out. To this I say...well, does this really need a punchline? It just kind of speaks for itself. The ad gets three ittle wittle baby booties out of four.

[SKETCH] "Uh, This Guy Walks Into A Bar And Takes Out A Tiny Piano And A Twelve-Inch Pianist. Oh Ho Ho, No Wait! I Can't Tell That One!"
Does anyone else think that the audience for the NBC Late Late Show/Last Call is always the deadest in all of TV? Every host, from Tom Snyder to Carson Daly, must feel like they're conducting their interviews in a tomb. Then again, Snyder and Daly aren't exactly Joe and John Charisma themselves, so I've basically answered my own question. This was a sketch was a nice spoof of both Carson and Alicia Keys...

Naive Man: Oh, that was supposed to be Alicia Keys! Ha ha, that's classic!

...and also a rip on Alanis Morrissette for dating Dave "Cut! It! Out!" Coulier. Any skit that mentions Bob Saget has to be worthwhile, though it was never mentioned whether he offered to suck dick for crack. Since neither Kirsten or her character have a dick, however, the subject is moot. Carson's constantly calling Kirsten cute (wow, five in a row) was also good for a laugh, since it reminded the world of how his heart was shattered by Tara Reid. Gotta get Carson back on that suicide watch somehow. This one gets an E out of G.

[CARTOON] "It Says Here That One Of These Giant Redwood Trees Can Provide Enough Sawdust To Cover An Entire Day's Worth Of Vomit At Disneyland!"
Robert Smiegel's best cartoons are the ones that are so wrong that they make you stand up yell "Snap! Oh no you didn't!" while walking around your living room, and Bambi 2002 was a prime example. From the Matrix-style avoidance of the bullets to Bambi assaulting Osama Bin Laden, this was comedy at its finest. Even Jarrod from the Subway commercials appeared, which only goes to prove that even deer need to eat healthy. The stuff about Disney destroying and sealing away the prints except for "this one time only" was also pretty funny. The one missed opporunity was that Smiegel didn't supply a perverse version of getting "twitterpated," but then again, the original was erotic enough. Let's face it; the female rabbit that, ahem, "stiffens" Thumper had a nice rack. Just to throw some water on the "Mark is a deviant" fire, I will state that at least I've never seen PokeaHotAss. So there. This cartoon gets 173 out of 200 -- just numbers this time. Not all the ratings have to be wild and outraegeous. Can't you just be satisfied? Kids in Somalia don't even get sketch ratings, let alone creative ones!

[SKETCH/COMMERCIAL] "Old People Don't Need Companionship. They Need To Be Isolated And Studied So That It Can Be Determined What Nutrients They Have That Might Be Extracted For Our Personal Use." "Would You Please Stop Reading That Ross Perot Pamphlet?!"
Ha ha, the family is drugging the old woman to steal her money and manipulate her!

Vince McMahon: What's so wrong with that?

Hopefully this family will one day be kicked in the groin and have a garbage can kicked into their collective faces as punishment, then. Overall, I think the Demilon can stay on the shelf for the time being. I was going to rate this commercial, but I have a rare form of Alzheimer's that lets me forget lame ads. Comes in handy, I must admit.

[SKETCH] "Bart! I Need To Use You In A Sketch." "You Want Me To Be On The Show?" "It's Just One Line. Mel's Supposed To Say It, But He's Dead." "Dead?!" "Or Sick, I Dunno, I Forget. Anyway, All You Gotta Say Is 'I Am Waiting For A Bus.' Then I Hit You With Pies For Five Minutes."
As I've mentioned in the past, I've done a fair amount of acting in my day. While I'm no Laurence Olivier, I've been praised in the past for always reacting well on-stage. As any actor with more experience and talent than me could tell you, an actor should never just be standing there waiting for the chance to speak. A good performer reacts to the other characters' dialogue with facial expressions and body language; not enough to upstage the other actor, but to convey the idea that you're listening to what's going on. In a recent performance of mine, as Kent in a scene from King Lear, I managed to convey a lot of laughter despite being trapped in the stocks.

Voice of Reason: Is laughter the response that you want to get in a performance of King Lear?

Shut up, Voice of Reason. Apparently Will, Amy and Kirsten's characters missed the session of my ninth grade drama class where I learned all of this stuff, and thus we get this sketch. A decent concept, and reasonably well-executed. You'd think that the director would step in to end scenes earlier, but maybe he's an Altman wannabe that likes to keep things going to capture spontaneity. This is what he gets for hiring extras from outside the Today Show studio. It might've been funnier to have Ana playing the woman who was about to reveal her pregnancy, but that would've distracted attention away from the characters that were distracting attention away from the actual scene. How ironic. This skit gets an S Club 7 out of a Jurassic 10.

[SKETCH] "During The Exam, I'll Hide Under Some Coats And Hope That Somehow Everything Will Work Out."
Oddly enough, the Eminem bumper preceded this sketch, but it's not like I'm waiting for Eminem's performance with bated breath anyway. I'd be glad to sit though a Jarrod's Room, even one as uninspired as this. The female versions of Jarrod and Gobi were just as one-dimensional as the originals, and not at all noteworthy except for the fact that Amy's character was a perma-frosted version of my friend Julia. The "skinny test tube/it's pretty long" bit was quite funny, though getting your dick stuck in a test tube is not the laughing matter that it seems. Once again, I've said too much, but penile tubing is another one of the Top Excuses To Miss A Final Exam. The performance of a song from the Karate Kid II soundtrack must be a shoutout to former SNL reviewer Mario Lanza, who sees The Karate Kid is the greatest cinematic achievement in the history of mankind. I'll give the skit 6 bonzai plants out of 10.

["MUSICAL" GUEST] "Because You Need Me, Springfield! Your Guilty Conscience May Force You To Vote Democratic, But Deep Down Inside You Secretly Long For A Cold-Hearted Republican To Lower Taxes, Brutalize Criminals And Rule You Like A King!"
This lovely little ditty that will no doubt become the staple of many a wedding is called 'Without Me.' The basic plot of the song is Eminem telling us that without him, our lives would be much less fun and also basically meaningless. Uh, okay. This is where I wish SNL would do one of those "What If" sketches like they did for the 2000 election, showing what would happen if Bush, Gore or Nader were president. What would a world be like with Eminem....? At this point, harp music would begin to play, and the scene would dissolve to a world where modern music had one less idiot ruining it. It would also mean that one more DJ would be out of a job, and I have to laugh at the fact that SNL features a DJ just after spoofing the profession with Johnathan Weinstein in the Jarrod's Room sketch. And what was up with the towel that Eminem carried throughout the whole thing? I kept expecting him to scale the stage and throw his towel backwards so that his sidekick could catch it, a la Mr. Perfect. This performance gets a very imperfect 2 out of 5.

[WEEKEND UPDATE] "Bring On The Rapping Granny!...What? She's Hilarious!" Update was only okay this week, with only a few particularly funny newsbits -- the Boston archdiocese selling boys' robes half-off, Mike Tyson having Tina at 'bleep,' and the Serbian WWTBAMillionaire show -- and three special guests of varying quality. First came Maya and Kirsten as the Hilton sisters, who I'd never heard of before today. A quick bit of research shows that they're a couple of very young models; while Kid Rock is no doubt waiting for some grass on the field so that he can play ball, this doesn't exactly lead to a lot of comedy. At least we got to see Kirsten and Maya dressed up in revealing outfits.

Trevor Sez...: Kirsten Dunst is hot.

Chris Kattan's bits...er, bit as the Queen and her streaker left way too little to the imagination. If you have a freeze-frame on our VCRs, for the love of God, don't even bother to see if anything hangs out. It could not possibly be worth the terrible price to be paid if your worst fears are answered. Speaking of fears being answered, here is a tidbit from my Feb. 2 review of the episode hosted by Britney Spears:

Sure, this show didn't have Chris Parnell rapping about dating/screwing Britney, but that kind of classic moment shouldn't have been imitated again.

Well, this wasn't an exact imitation, since it was Chris Parnell rapping about dating/screwing Kirsten Dunst. Still, the song was goofy enough with the gun battles and whatnot that it was still funny, though it didn't have the hilarious surprise factor this time around. Doing it a third time, however, would be pushing it. I think Tina had something to do with the writing of the song, since she was mouthing the words as Chris sang. Unless, of course, there were cards in the studio with the dialogue written on them in order to "cue" the actors. But that's just crazy talk. This edition of Update gets a 6. I'll leave it to you to guess out of what.

[SKETCH] "Can't...Stop...Doing...The Monkey!"
Oh man, this was BEGGING for a Sergei Federov impression. You Americans might not be aware of this since you don't have hockey shoved down your throats from birth, but Federov is a winger for the Detroit Red Wings. He is in his early thirties, and he's apparently engaged to Anna Kournikova -- who, as you all know, is in her early twenties. Ah, those wacky, barely legal Russians. Anna has dated many a Russian NHL player, which gives us hockey-savvy Canucks something else to mock her over besides her inability to win tennis tournaments. Ha ha, look at that gorgeous tennis player that none of us will ever come close to scoring with! Isn't she the funny one! Anyway, this sketch was pretty funny what with the random Laugh-In routines, and kudos to SNL for maxmimizing their comedy so that they didn't get old. The first time was funny because it was unexpected; the second time was the same thing, but given a voice-over and a midget on a bicycle to freshen it up. Quite frankly, I can't think of any sketch, no matter how great, that couldn't be improved by a bike-riding midget.

Christopher Walken: I need. More COWbell. And a bike. Riding midget.
Beldar Conehead: We are from France. Home of many bicycle-riding midgets.
Chris Farley: Remember that time...when...the bike-riding midget showed up? On his bike?....That was awesome.

Also, the midget might've been the same one that starred in U2's incredibly pretentious video for "All I Want Is You." The third go-go-dance was a fakeout, with Parnell's double-entendre not entendring enough to cue the music. Again, funny stuff. The dance party was once again used to end the sketch, and by this time we were all used to it and acknowledged it as warmly as we would a long-lost uncle that has come in from the cold and wants to warm his aged hands by the fire. Ferrell was funny in his short bit as Bob Guccione, and Seth had a funny part as the dismayed whacker. Overall, a solid 91 (Sergei Federov's number) out of 120.

[SKETCH] "Let's Give Him A Makeover!" "Run For It, Boy!"
The sketch order is kind of weird, with the Wake Up Wakefield skit coming after the skit that featured the go-go dancing. With apologies to George Michael, shouldn't Wake Up have come before the go-go? Now that I've hurt myself laughing at my own brilliant wit, I can take a somber moment to reflect upon how my childhood sleepovers. At my friend Grant's tenth birthday party, all we did was stay up late watching <I>Predator</I> over and over again, every time screaming when the Predator took off its mask. Girl slumber parties -- girls have slumber parties, boys have sleepovers -- are allegedly much more interesting, with talk of boys and crushes and giggling and etc. No giggles for us guys; just pre-pubescent, yet still manly laughter. My sleepovers also weren't gender-mixed, like Sheldon in this case. There was a series of kids' detective novels where, in the last book of the series, the kid ends a friendship with a female friend because she can't be invited to the sleepover for obvious genetic reasons. That book also featured the kid befriending his former arch-enemy at this same sleepover; damn, I wish I could remember the name of the series, since this will bug me for days. It's good to see that Sheldon and Megan have a strong enough bond to withstand such awkwardness, though it could be helped from the fact that Sheldon is played by a man. Any skit that features Tina Fey in pajamas is fine in my book, and the Wake Up Wakefield franchise was given a boost by the change of venue to the basement from the classroom. There was even an uplifting moral, what with Randy Goldman falling for the sweet but nerdy girls with the braces. Sniffle. In honour of the poll conducted by the girls about which boy they'd like to make out with, here's a poll of my own. What was the most disturbing thing about this sketch?

a) The rumour that Kirsten's character stuck a hot dog in her "nooners."
b) The fact that "nooners" replaced "cooter" as the SNL euphemism of choice for the vagina.
c) That the total hottie Randy Goldman went for the braceface. I mean, as if! What-EVER.
d) The fact that one of the fourteen-year-olds was pregnant.
e) That Mark has written over 500 words about it.

This sketch gets 5 sleeping bags out of six.

[SKETCH] "How Come No Chippendales Dancers Never Come In To Get Their Licenses Renewed?" "They Carpool, That's The Problem."
For all of you who were happy that Chris Parnell returned to the SNL cast, here's the hell that you hath wrought. The same DiMarcos sketch as always, except this time with Kirsten Dunst dancing.

Trevor Sez: Kirsten Dunst is hot.

While that does make things much more notable, this was still routine. Eminem and his homeboy didn't even look amused; did they know this was a sketch? Dean Edwards' cameo as the uptight guy from the mean streets of Dublin just about stole the show.

[JACK HANDEY] "I'll Buy Her That Pony She's Always Bugging Me For." "We Can't Afford To Buy A Pony." "Marge, With Today's Gasoline Prices, We Can't Afford Not To Buy A Pony."
This one was funny, so 1 for 1. It did bring back painful memories of that time when my pa took Princess out back and...sniff, give me a moment to compose myself. Okay...here we go. It reminded me of the time my beloved childhood pet Princess was taken out back by my dad and forced to compete in a dance marathon. Did I mention that my father is Gig Young?

PERFORMERS OF THE NIGHT: Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell, Maya Rudolph
BEST SKETCHES: Wake Up Wakefield Slumber Party; Bambi 2002
WORST SKETCHES: Demilon ad, the monologue
BUSIEST PERFORMERS: Chris Parnell (5 sketches); Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Maya Rudolph (4 sketches each)
PERFORMERS WITH ENOUGH TIME TO WONDER IF THEIR LACK OF SCREEN TIME MEANS THAT LORNE IS PREPARING TO FIRE THEM TO FREE UP MONEY FOR A LAST-DITCH APPEAL TO WILL FERRELL: Tracy Morgan, Jeff Richards (0 sketches)
RUDE AWARD OF THE NIGHT: Eminem, for dissing those fly DiMarcos.
PLACES WHERE THE SNL WRITERS COULD EASILY HAVE INSERTED THE NAME 'MARK POLISHUK': Polishuk is a Ukrainian name, akin to Kournikova. Lord knows I wouldn't complain about being paired with her in doubles, heh heh heh.
MISTAKES: Booking Eminem, but giving him only one song was a masterstroke!

STARTING LINE-UP
"Do I get to talk to someone today with a name like Smith, or Jones, or Cooper or Knievel?"-- George W. Bush (Will Ferrell)

"I've got to marry someone cool. I'm two months away from becoming Rick Dees."-- Carson Daly (Jimmy Fallon)

"For the record, I met Chris Parnell six days ago, and we have certainly never had sex in his pool or had gun battles."-- Kirsten Dunst, during Weekend Update

"He is a gangbanger. He'll gangbang us!"-- DiMarco (Chris Parnell)

"I tried to explain to little Betsy that when horses got old, they have to be shot, but then I thought 'Hey, why not wait until she gets a horse?'"-- Jack Handey, from the Big Thick Novel

AFTERSHUKS
I think I'll let Trevor sum up tonight's show.

Trevor Sez...: Kirsten Dunst is hot.

And she also did a fine job of hosting, though her characters all seemed to have the same basic annoying peppiness to them, sort of like Cheri Oteri without the comic timing. Eminem (snicker) got only one song! He's the only musical guest of the year to get such treatment, except for Bubba Sparxxx and Shakira, but they're excused because they were on the same show. Eminem was just shafted for no reason! Welcome to Eagle-Eye Cherry land, Marshall. Overall, a pretty funny episode.

The last few shows, in fact, have been pretty funny, so hopefully this is a sign of SNL ending with a bang next week for the season finale. If there's anyone who knows anything about banging, it's next week's host, noted Hollywood tramp Winona Ryder. She is also a notorious shoplifter, so hopefully she can take a joke, since brother, there are going to be several made at her expense. The musical guest is Moby, who I enjoy because he brings glory to all of us bald people.

Hulk Hogan: Do you have a problem with bald people, brother?

Moby has a few good tunes in him, so next week is looking pretty good on paper. Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that next week is also my last piece as a full-time SNL reviewer. If you thought my review this week was long, stand back. You ain't seen nothing yet. Until then, adieu.

Mark Polishuk
Who, by the way, placed second in the poll of which SNL reviewer most girls would like to make out with. Damn you, Emmanuel Goldstein!


Episode Review written by Mark Polishuk


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