Hi, I'm Jordan..... BUTT!!!!!!!
Before the season, I'd sort of made a "New Season's Resolution," if you will, to be prompter with these reviews. I mean, since I'm not in school and don't even work that much anymore, I should have plenty of time on my hands. Right? RIGHT?!
Of course, last week was an exception, with the whole Elton John concert delaying things. But as only one of an estimated four S-N-L.com reviewers who didn't attend the U2 concert on Saturday, I should have been quick with it, right? So why am I posting it on Tuesday?
Well, frankly, because it's not every day you get diagnosed with diabetes. Thankfully, the diagnosis actually turned out to be false, which only goes to show you; only take a diagnosis seriously when the person diagnosing you is a doctor.
I had just felt tired and a bit fluish, but it was like any other flu and not too worrysome, until my mom speculated on the D-word, causing me to jump out of my skin. I normally may not have believed her, but it does run in my family (including my dad) and she knows the symptoms, so because of that I guess it was a realistic fear. It finally took a test from my dad's glucose meter to refute "Dr. Mom's" diagnosis, and since then the flu has passed through me nicely. I guess the upside about this whole experience is if and when I get a real diagnosis of diabetes, I'll be ready for it. How exactly? Well, um, er... look over there!
So now that I'm perfectly healthy, the undisputed champion of Canadian reviewers with a full head of hair continues on with the long-awaited review.
Last week, in tribute to Elton John for the terrific concert he gave, my titles for sketches came from Elton John lines, and I asked you, the readers, to identify the songs. I got one response, from fellow reviewer and Elton fan Matt Schroeder, which once again proves my theory, gang: Matt Schroeder is just as much of a nerd as I am. Here are the answers.
"You'd Better Think Twice, You'd Better Believe It's An
Act Of War" - Act Of War
"Well There's Some Pretty Young Ladies And Beer In The Rear" - Sweet Painted Lady.
"I Just Sit And Play My Radio In The Parking Lot" - Restless
"Looks Like The Fools In Fashion" - Fools In Fashion
"Bring Your Family Down To The Riverside" - Burn Down The Mission
"You're Taking In The Face of a Rifle Butt While the Wardens Hold You Down" - Have Mercy on the Criminal
"Move That Muscle And Shake That Fat, Bite Your Lip" - Bite Your Lip (Get Up And Dance!)
"I Pulled Out My Stage Coach Times And I Read The Latest News" - Ballad of a Well Known Gun
"Overwear, Underwear, Anytime, Anywhere" - My Strongest Suit
"Erotic, Sexy, Classic" - Into the Jungle
"I'm a Super Power, I'm a Handy Man" - Look Ma, No Hands
"We've Buried Our Feelings A Little Too Deep In the Ground" - Please
"My Promise To All My People Who Have Trusted Me, the Gods Will Approve of us Still" - El Dorado
"Where Sex And Love No Longer Gel" - The One
"Through It All There'd Always Be Tomorrow's Episode" - Friends Never Say Goodbye
So now that this is taken care of, here, folks, is my anthrax-free review of the Drew Barrymore episode.
Overview: A lot of people poke fun at Drew Barrymore, but I really don't mind her. If you take a trip in the wayback machine, you'll see that I really enjoyed her hosting gig in March of 1999. And while I don't watch her movies religiously, some of them are pretty good, and her performance is okay when they need someone to play... Drew Barrymore. As for Macy Gray, all she needs is a voice transplant and she'd be one of the best singers out there.
Cheney's Hiding In Afghanistan:
*That location's not so undisclosed. I go there every night in my dreams to assassinate Osama.
*That comment about Cheney and the ladies will keep my from getting an erection for half of my life.
Dick Cheney: Now you know why they call me Dick.
That would account for the complete life now.
*I'd like my pacemaker fitted with Pepsi, please.
*Somehow I think the beard is the least of Osama's worries.
*Anthrax is in the building? I'd be scared too. That 's an awful band.
*Quote of the night: "Stay in your f***ing seat, Tom!"- Jordan Davidson
Crossing Over with John Edward:
*Wait.. did he say J? He was talking about me!
*He described just about every type of mustache there is and they still said no. Did this guy shave half of the mustache off or something? What a weirdo.
*I'm seeing an A.. no.. an F.. no.. a B... That's it.
*Note to SNL: For the last time, geezer sex talk make Jordan vomit.
*I'm not really into archers myself. Partially because while doing archery in Phys. Ed one year, I was the inevitable student to somehow shoot themselves in the thumb. I was actually doing quite well until that happened. So much for being the next William Tell.
*I have been scared away from public hot tubs for life.
*Was I the only kid who didn't really care for this book?
*Can't go wrong with making fun of a kids classic. Cheap plug: Read my Blue's Clues sketches at snlyou.jt.org.
*Biggest laugh of the night came from Maya's Nelly Furtado impression.
*Some more big laughs for the Sidney Poitier and Telly Savalas appearances.
*This was pretty good.
NBC Retooling Cartoon.
*Man, SNL's gonna get 300 nasty letters for this. Although, it should be noted, 295 of them will come from Emeril.
*Is all of this REALLY real audio? There just seems to be to many coincidences.
*Another appearance from the world's most famous 34-year husband, Gary Condit. Who's the second most famous? Why, Baby Bronx pitcher Danny Almonte, of course. Does anyone even remember him?
First Liberty Savings Bank:
*If only real sales were like this.....
*Another good Ferrell sketch. While the premise died after a while, it was saved by Will being Will.
Macy Gray - Sexual Revolution:
*Strays from the ballady type songs I'm used to from Macy.
*I didn't relish Rod Stewart's voice asking me if I thought he was sexy, and I don't relish the same voice talking about a sexual revolution.
*The usual points for the song and point deductions for the voice. It's a serious mood killer.
*I understand the two canoes, but what the hell does a slingshot have to do with Canada?
*As you can see, Chris Kattan is trying very hard to quell the rumours that he is gay.
*My buddy Colin hasn't changed, although he was better as the newsie than as a commentator.
*The Neil Diamond impression from Will is a nice touch after the infamous GAP commercial.
Action Talk Show:
*Uh oh, crappy knock-off of Sprockets.
*What the hell was so funny?
*I would have taken a Gay Hitler sketch over this.
King Kong and Superman and Cheers, Oh My!:
*Fun with real video?
*I think I laughed a little bit. Wait a second.. I wasn't saying "Ha!" I was saying "Huh?" Sorry, my mistake.
*I've heard a lot of talk about whether or not their crack up was real. Personally, I can't say I believe so, because I didn't see one thing in this entire sketch they could be laughing at.
*As you can see, Drew Barrymore is trying very hard to quell the rumours that she is gay.
*May have been the third straight F, but Ferrell saved the day dramatically.
Macy Gray - Sweet Baby:
*If Julie "voice of Marge Simpson" Kavner ever dies, here's your replacement right here.
*Pretty much the same as any other of her songs. Good song, bad singing.
*A funny joke which eliminated some of the bad taste. I was a little happier.
It took a lot of debate with myself to come up with the final grade. I knew I was displeased enough to give it my worst grade since February 1999 when Bill Murray's episode got my first and only big fat F. But did this episode deserve my second big fat F? After thinking, I thought no. While I thought the show was bad, it just seemed worse because all the crap was bunched together, really. And secondly, I'm sure the writers weren't giving their undivided attention to the show due to all the health concerns in the building, so I decided to show some leniency for that reason, and give the show a simple D-. I'm sure Drew will still be unhappy, but..
Drew: I passed! I got a D-! I passed! All right! (kisses Jordan) I passed, I passed, I passed, I passed, I got a D-, I passed! I got a D-, I passed, I passed, I... kissed Jordan Davidson! Pleh! (spits)
Er.. you're welcome, Drew. Anyhoo, we still don't know who will be on the show when it returns to the air November 3, but I'll be there, healthy as ever, to bring you the review. Hopefully it'll be a better one. Until then, I'll see you later.
Tom Green: We're proud of you, Drew.
Drew: Thanks, Tom. But part of this D- belongs to Jordan Davidson.
Tom Green: Uh, yeah. Hey, you wanna see a trick I can do with my nipple?
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