Christopher Walken / Weezer
May 19, 2001


Hi, I'm Jordan Davidson, and I know exactly what women want. Someone else.

Jordan's Factory Work Tip of the Day: If you have chemicals on your hands,
and you eat with those hands, your food will taste like those chemicals.
However, if you wash the chemicals off your hands, your food will taste like
soap. You win some, you lose some.

Speaking of losing some: The Raptors are done like dinner. And I promised
myself I wouldn't cry. Man, I promise a lot of crazy things, don't I?

Stanley Cup Prediction: Colorado Avalanche over New Jersey Devils in 6.
NBA Prediction: Los Angeles Lakers over Milwaukee Bucks in 5.

And now.. for the moment about six of you have been waiting for the Top 50
Fan Submitted Larry King Quotes!

To all of you who submitted, thank you very, very much for making my Inbox
crowded. Also, good stuff. You made my job of cutting the fat very easy.
And while I wasn't able to cut every entry I wanted to, I have cut a lot of
them

Homer Simpson: Stop stealing my bit.

Sorry. For those on the list, congratulations, you all win lifetime
memberships to the Jordan Davidson Fan Club, to be established sometime when
I'm 30 and have nothing better to do.

Also, in some entries I have added "gang" or something like that to add to
the Larry King mood. Just so you winners aren't surprised.

50. I don't care what anyone says, I love yogurt with fruit on the bottom.
(Perturbed 16)
49. Write this down, gang: *NSYNC is going to be a very popular group.
(Chris Welch)
48. Let me be Frank--hi, I'm Frank. (Art Vandelay)
47. Mock turtlenecks look nice, but I prefer the real thing. (Chris Welch)
46. If you ask me, Rice-A-Roni truly is the San Francisco treat. (Allison
Venezio)
45. After careful thought and consideration, I've decided that electroshock
therapy really works. (Adam Grunstein)
44. Between Michael Myers and Jason Voorhies, they'd make damn fine police
officers, gang. (BabyCindi)
43. A sandwich is a sandwich, but Twinkies are really just Polish sausages
in disguise. (BabyCindi)
42. Lead pipes should do less talking and more draining. (Adam Grunstein)
41. Pokemon are good, but SO ARE Digimon, gang. (Will Roy)
40. You heard it here first, gang, Michael Jordan will NOT return to
basketball. (Adam Grunstein)
39. For my money, rape is not love. (Mario Lanza)
38. No one knows the troubles of H.G. Wells like I do. (BabyCindi)
37. Seed for thought, gang, Smurfs don't much care for chicken noodle soup.
(Baby Cindi)
36. Word to the wise, gang, the stock market is risky business. (Perturbed
16)
35. Crystal Pepsi and Vanilla Ice both disappeared in the same year, gang.
(Will Roy)
34. In a world of chaos, order can be good. (BabyCindi)
33. For my money, bagels taste better in the morning. (Chris Welch)
32. Sudden thought, gang: Why not put the ring on one of the other four
fingers? (Perturbed 16)
31. The Sopranos would be a good show if not for the violence, gang. (Chris
Welch)
30. When it comes to discipline, nothing works better than solitary
confinement. (Adam Grunstein)
29. Chuck Norris doesn't really know karate, but is quite good at karaoke.
(BabyCindi)
28. The more I think about it, the more I associate Anthony Michael Hall
with Alfred E. Neuman. (Will Roy)
27. Does anyone really watch Fox anymore? I mean really? (Will Roy)
26. I've said it before and I'll say it again, gang: Basketball is for
communists. (Adam Grunstein)
25. One thing's for sure, gang, old ladies look more attractive than young
ones. (BabyCindi)
24. I'll go on record here: The moonlanding wasn't fake, but America's war
for independence was. (BabyCindi)
23. An American invasion of Canada would start in Detroit, gang. (Adam
Grunstein)
22. Okay, gang, how long is this computer fad going to go on? (Chris Welch)
21. After interviewing Anne Robinson I'll have to say I've met the
Anti-Christ, gang. (Will Roy)
20. Has anyone ever really been asked "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" (Will
Roy)
19. I may never have climbed Mt. Everest, but I know this, gang: It's tall.
(Chris Welch)
18. For my money, there's no crayon better than Crayola. (Mario Lanza)
17. You just can't beat a Big Mac, gang: unless it's a Big Mac with cheese.
(Chris Welch)
16. I'm of the opinion that science isn't as important as ebonics.
(BabyCindi)
15. Something tells me Jimmy Carter's dead, gang. (Will Roy)
14. I was out walking today, gang, and it really made me appreciate
pavement. (Mario Lanza)
13. Somebody oughta tell these jokers at the supermarket that when the sign
says "Slippery When Wet," it almost always is. (Perturbed 16)
12. Take it from me, Jerry Seinfeld will not win a Nobel Peace Prize.
(BabyCindi)
11. Is fun really all that fun? I'm thinking: no. (BabyCindi)
10. Is there any proof that Hawaii exists? (Mario Lanza)
9. What the criminals need is a little more of that police brutality, gang.
(Parturbed 16)
8. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee; except of course, Sara Lee's deranged
ex-husband. (BabyCindi)
7. Cancer is bad, but cancer with a headache is much worse. (Perturbed 16)
6. Tip of the day, folks: Yelling at traffic lights when red usually does
nothing to help your situation. (Perturbed 16)
5. Has anyone ever actually eaten an orange? (Chris Welch)
4. I often wonder, gang, where would we be without the nickel? (Mario Lanza)
3. They may call it Diet Coke, but it still ain't good for you. (Chris
Welch)
2. What is it about cookies, folks, that makes us so happy? (Mario Lanza)
1. Don't let them fool you, gang, there's nothing harmless about Care Bears.
(BabyCindi)

This has been News and Views, with the online SNL Community. Now onto my
last review of the season.

Overview - A wonderful host from last season, Christopher Walken returns to
host the show for the fifth time in the 2000-01 season finale. What can I
say, the guy can sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and make it funny. A
great effort was almost a gimmie. Weezer I hadn't heard about an awful lot
before the show, but after hearing that most of my friends hate them, I
didn't know what to think. I'd have to judge for myself.

Giuliani Is Presidential Material.. Because He Has a Mistress, You See,
And So Did Ah, Bite Me - Well, it had some of the qualities of the old
Clinton sketches, with the adultery jokes and such. They even threw in the
broken penis, as opposed to the bent one that Clinton supposedly has not
that I care. B-

Monologue - Well, ain't this nice? Instead of a "host sings" monologue, or
a "cast members interrupt" monologue, we get a "cast members interrupt the
host singing" monologue. All of that aside, the writing was pretty cute.
I've always wondered what the hell's with that song, though. Does anyone
ever really say po-tot-o? If songs are gonna argue, they should argue about
stuff worth arguing about. Like spousal murder.

Dixie Chicks: Maybe Earl didn't have to die after all. Our bad.

Yeah, you'd better start running, Chicks. Anyhoodly-doodle, this gets a B-

Mango: The Next Anne Heche - One sketch he's complaining that people think
he's a homogay, and the next he's scoring with Jimmy Fallon. Make up your
damn mind! Anyhoo, there wasn't much of a cool twist, other than the movie
scenes, so this isn't too special. C+

Hardball - Digressing from the classic "Will Ferrell Yelling" sketch, we
have the classic "Darrell Hammond Yelling" sketch. Kattan's Paul Begala is
once again portrayed nicely as Matthews' bitch. This sketch may be the only
glimmer of hope for getting Darrell back in the new year. B

Continental - This is one of those sketches that should have never gone past
the first chapter, or in the case of "A Tale of Two Cities," past the first
sentence. If "A Tale of Two Cities" had that reasoning, millions of
children worldwide would pass the comprehension tests. As you can see,
here's a Continental sketch and I'm talking about the education system.
What does that tell you? C

Weekend Update - Jimmy and Tina go out with possibly the funniest jokes I've
heard all year from this segment. Getting to hear a Mr. Subliminal
commentary was also great for old time's sake--they're personally my
favourite parts of Kevin Nealon's repertoire. The Winona Ryder cliffhanger
thing was fine as well, although they could have borrowed ideas from other
cliffhangers and shot Winona Ryder. (Editor's Note: Jordan doesn't care much
for Winona Ryder.) All in all, not bad. A

Weezer - What were my friends talking about? These guys are pretty damn
good. I guess I shouldn't listen to everything my friends say after all.
(Note to self: Cancel jumping off a bridge.) B+

Those Couples That Were On TV For Some Reason - I honestly didn't get this.
I tried listening. Nothing. I tried humming to myself. That didn't help
my bewilderment, but it kept me entertained. D+

Anatominals - Funny at first, but after a while it just became a regular
cartoon in which the animals had hardware. The Lorne sequence saved that
and brought it back up to A material. The perfect cartoon for the season
ender. A+

Centaur of Attention - They could have written the centaur into any
situation and done about exactly the same thing. Some of the questions were
pretty funny, but overall the effort lacked B-

What's Up His Butt? - The last excuse of the season for Will Ferrell to
bitch about something. And of course, they had to give him an excuse. In
any case, I think we now know why Will's so damn good at yelling. Man, I
feel sorry for that badger. B-

Weezer - Another good song. Have you guys noticed that Weezer has a song
called "Buddy Holly," and the lead singer dude kinda looks like Buddy Holly?
This has inspired me. My new single, "Elton John," will be released
sometime when I'm 30 and have nothing better to do. B

Memorial Day/Christmas Song - If we'd heard the Christmas song for a third
time, that would have been problematic. Changing the song so it was "not" a
song about Christmas was an entertaining twist. Great job. B+

Trivia: Tracy Morgan, infamous for his limited camera time, has been in the
season's final sketch three consecutive seasons (Brian Fellow's Safari
Planet, The Centre of the Earth, Memorial Day/Christmas Song.)

Overall - This was quite the episode. I have to say I even liked the
overall result better than that of Walken's 1999-2000 episode. A nice solid
effort to close out another year. A-

Well, that's it. I unfortunately don't have a list of the episodes in my
order of preference, so in lieu of that, some quick stats.

Best Show: Sean Hayes/Shaggy
Worst Show: Lucy Liu/Jay-Z

Best Host: Conan O'Brien
Worst Host: Val Kilmer

Best MG: Aerosmith
Worst MG: Jay-Z

Well, my reviewing season has been long and fun. It's also come to my
attention that a number of the popular reviewers has announced or are
contemplating retirement. As for my status, I'll announce that as of now,
my chances are about 70% in favour of returning. Due to numerous things
this year, many of them have taken me longer to write, but nothing has made
them less fun. And who knows, if I'm the only popular guy left next year,
I'd be richer than a king in a popularity sense. Or I could just come off
like David Spade did after all of his buddies left him there with the
newbies.

Barbara Mandrell: I was reviewing when reviewing wasn't cool.

Well, we'll see if I become a tired old hack or finally get to shine amidst
minimal competition, as was my intention my first year, before a guy named
Polishuk had to open his big computer mouth. But once that dream failed, I
got to meet lots of cool people, many of whom I consider to be pretty good
friends, so that worked out okay. Now let's get that popularity!

I'm Jordan Davidson and that's all for this year. If anyone wants to get an
update on my status, find out how I'm doing in NBA Live 2000, hear a funny
story about an injury I've sustained in the past, or anything like that, you
can get me at hon_hon_hon@hotmail.com, ICQ # 30968730, or AIM Screen Name
TheVinsaneAsylum. Until then, you kids have yourselves a nice summer.

Orangeville!


Episode Review written by Jordan Davidson


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