My intro for this episode was really long, so if you want to read it,
go to http://www.geocities.com/abdul_flunks/stilesintro.html and read
away. Anyway, here's the review...

Sketch: Martha Stewart Gives Us Some Home-Spun Goodness For St.
Patty's Day

Characters:
Ana Gasteyer as Martha Stewart

Memorable quotes:
"I'll show you some innovative ways to class up this unbelievably
trashy holiday." by Ana Gasteyer
"...you must be Irish, 'cause my penis is Dublin." by Ana Gasteyer
"And who can resist making out with a green-tongued stranger?" by Ana
Gasteyer

Notes on the sketch:
I probably haven't mentioned this before, but I'm currently on spring
break at home, and it sure is a lot more difficult doing this here than
back at the dorm. Anyway, this opener was a breath of fresh air
considering that this is the first opener without anything political in
it. And that's a good thing. The sketch itself was pretty good also,
as Ana's Martha Stewart is always good for a few laughs, though nothing
can ever top the topless Christmas Special from a few years ago.

Sketch grade: B+ (I know I sure can't resist.)

Monologue: Julia Stiles

Characters:
Julia Stiles and Tracy Morgan as themselves

Memorable quotes:
"Aren't you married?" "Yeah, that's why I said your place." by Julia
Stiles and Tracy Morgan
"Yeah, but I don't mind that one, or the one about us having long
dongs." by Tracy Morgan

Notes on the sketch:
There was only one quick mentioning of the fact that this is original
episode #500, perhaps because SNL is still in second (maybe still
third) place for longest consecutively running non-news television show
(Monday Night Football is ahead by at least one, maybe two seasons, and
American Bandstand, though canceled now, was in first for a long time).
Going in, I thought that they might comment on Julia's somewhat husky
voice like they did with Kathleen Turner a few years ago, but to no
avail. This simply turned out to be another chance for Tracy to flirt
with the female host and to joke about how he isn't on the show very
much. Ironically, because he is always joking about how he's never on
camera, he has in fact been on camera a lot recently. Think about THAT
the next time you're high.

Sketch grade: C (Pretty good monologue until the two of them started
to dance, if that's what you want to call it.)

Commercial: Homocil

Memorable quotes:
None

Notes on the sketch:
See my notes for the Sean Hayes episode (February 17). I gave it an A
then, so...

Sketch grade: B (And you know why.)

Sketch: Wake Up Wakefield

Characters:
Rachel Dratch as Sheldon, Maya Rudolph as Megan, Julia Stiles as
Samantha McDonald, Horatio Sanz as Mr. Bengley, Jimmy Fallon as Randy
Goldman

Memorable quotes:
"It's all about the sixties, when no one could cut their hair because
of Vietnam." by Julia Stiles
"Naked? Embarrassing!...And awesome. Randy Goldman, what?" by Maya
Rudolph
"NO!...Okay." by Maya Rudolph

Notes on the sketch:
Rachel Dratch was born to play an eighth-grade boy. This entire sketch
was a pretty accurate representation of junior high school (or middle
school for those of you that didn't grow up in my neck of the woods)
from the mediocre jazz band to the obsessed young girl to the nerdy
math-lover. Actually, I could probably fall into two of those three
categories (gee, I wonder which ones), so I got an extra kick out of
it. Just a question, is cafetorium an actual word?

Sketch grade: A (But I have never heard a worse version of Average
White Band's "Pick Up The Pieces.")

Sketch: Going Postal Has Never Seemed So Justified

Characters:
Tracy Morgan as a security guard, Maya Rudolph as a postal employee,
Jerry Minor as Terrell, Horatio Sanz, Ana Gasteyer, Chris Kattan, Chris
Parnell, and Julia Stiles as customers

Memorable quotes:
None

Notes on the sketch:
I didn't like this before in the Mena Suvari sketch, and I sure as hell
didn't like it now. There were only three good parts in this sketch:
Horatio's exit, Kattan's pained laugh, and Julia's one big line. Other
than that, this was just one big excuse to pick the lint from betwixt
my toes.

Sketch grade: F (You know, if you look at your toes for long enough,
they start to get kind of interesting.)

Musical Guest: Aerosmith
Song: "Jaded" from the album "Just Push Play"

Notes on the song:
What? The musical guest already? This isn't a good sign. Only a
half-hour in and they're going to the music. Anyway, the song choice
was as predictable as a fastball from Randy Johnson. Not that that's a
bad thing. After all, it is their latest single, and everyone loves
when the Big Unit throws the heat. The song's not too bad; it gets
better the more you hear it. The whole band turned in a good
performance, with the exception of course of Tom Hamilton and Brad
Whitford. Those two were about as wooden as Al Gore. Nevertheless, I
liked the song, I liked the performance, and the whole thing gets a...

Song grade: B+ (And as it turned out, it wasn't a good thing that the
music was so early.)

Weekend Update: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

Memorable quotes:
None

Notes on Weekend Update:
Good jokes all around once again; the two are finally starting to find
their niche. Good jokes about the Irish and moving forward to 2004,
but the whole joke about Pee Wee Herman at the shoe store (or maybe it
was just a Pee Wee wannabe) was pretty bad. Fortunately, the
commentary by Arnold Schwarzenegger was excellent, capped off by the
hilarious bit (though frightening mental image) about Arnold crawling
inside a Midwestern woman and then climbing out waving the American
flag. The beret joke used a poor punchline; they could easily have
gone for Monica Lewinsky's beret and done something with that. Tina's
bit as Pam Anderson's stalker was great, especially her mouthed "I love
you." The whole show went downhill after the bit with David
Copperfield. I saw him do a big magic show at the Spokane Opera House
earlier this year, and this trick was pretty minor. Also, Jimmy
appears to now be emulating David Letterman, what with the pencil throw
as they panned out. But as a whole, the Update was good and warrants
a...

Weekend Update grade: B- (Cover your eyes kids, the last 50 minutes
will be horrible.)

Sketch: Suel Forrester Is Immortal

Characters:
Will Ferrell as a movie's producer, Julia Stiles as an actress, Chris
Parnell as an actor named Harry, Horatio as another actor, Chris Kattan
as Suel Forrester, Jimmy Fallon as a stagehand

Memorable quotes:
"LIGHTS! CAMERA! AAAAAAAND ERECTION!" by Chris Kattan

Notes on the sketch:
When has this sketch ever been funny? What was it that made this
sketch deserve to come back? About the title I gave this sketch: I
can remember Suel being a coach in an NCAA basketball game, and I know
he's been in other sketches as well. Now he's a director in the
1920's? This character is like the comic strip "Blondie," HE NEVER
AGES. The only humorous thing I found in this mess of a sketch was
Forrester's call for an on-the-spot hard-on. Other than that, this
sketch moved slower than Charlie Hough running to first base.

Sketch grade: F (And so began the horror of the Julia Stiles
episode.)

Sketch: Beppi And Bushka? Sounds Like A Couple Of Russian Clowns!

Characters:
Will Ferrell as Nick, Maya Rudolph as Deb, Ana Gasteyer as Deb's
coworker, Rachel Dratch as Beppi, Julia Stiles as Bushka

Memorable quotes:
"My daughter was killed for being a girl." by Rachel Dratch

Notes on the sketch:
Where on Earth did Beppi and Bushka come from? Their names would imply
an Eastern European background, but the kind of cruelty they described
could only come from one of Kathie Lee Gifford's sweatshops. Will's
character was pretty odd as well, he started off the show as a
grab-ass, but in his return he was just an asshole. Where's the
continued sexual harassment? This sketch just made me feel bad for
complaining about my problems when people around the world have
problems ten times as bad as mine. Minus points for making me feel
guilty.

Sketch grade: F (More of a comment on how foreigners are treated, and
less of a chance to laugh.)

Sketch: "The Doberman!" by Adam McKay

Characters:
Will Ferrell as the victim, Patrick McCartney as Heinrich

Memorable quotes:
None

Notes on the sketch:
I am hereby relieving myself of ever having to review another Adam
McKay short film. In it's place, a grade of F- will be given. Only
one thought: Why hasn't Adam McKay been fired yet? Lorne, I'm begging
you, FIRE ADAM MCKAY NOW!

Sketch grade: F- (Lorne's crack dealer must be making a fortune.)

Sketch: The Sketch That Time Forgot

Characters:
Tracy Morgan as Rudy Rush, Maya as Treasure Ray Peters, Julia Stiles as
Ashley Kasczinsky, Chris Parnell as Ashley's father, Ana Gasteyer as
Ashley's mother, Jerry as Tayshawn

Memorable quotes:
None

Notes on the sketch:
When was this sketch written? Treasure Ray's song was popular seven
years ago, and the song that Ashley performed to was even older. When
the sketch opened, I was hopeful that maybe it would be a rehashing of
the Apollo sketch from the Jamie Farr episode, but no. I can only
thank the people in charge of heating the stage for keeping the stage
cold for Julia. (Rewind and take another look.) Other than that, this
sketch was pretty predictable, and seemed like a good time to go to
sleep, if only for the fact that there was still TWENTY MINUTES LEFT IN
THE SHOW.

Sketch grade: F (Will this nightmare of a show ever end?)

Sketch: Willy Sluggs' Eye Poppers

Characters:
Jerry Minor as Willy Sluggs, Julia Stiles as Janet Tucker, Will Ferrell
as J. Wellington Wentworth III, Maya Rudolph as Willy's helper, Chris
Parnell as Willy's other helper, Chris Kattan as a Supreme Court lawyer

Memorable quotes:
None

Notes on the sketch:
This was a pretty bizarre thing to parody. The ads that they were
actually parodying are for a guy's (his name escapes me at the moment)
magic tricks that are actually pretty impressive. However, I have only
seen his ad on at about 3:00 in the morning on cable television. Not
only was this sketch not funny, it was pretty predictable, what with
the lines that Willy wasn't supposed to say.

Sketch grade: F (God have mercy.)

Musical Guest: Aerosmith featuring Lenny Pickett
Song: "Big Ten Inch Record" from the album "Toys In The Attic"

Why is it that the music is always having to save the show? Finally,
there's a reason for staying up this late. I had never heard this song
before, but this was a lot of fun, and good ol' Lenny even got to have
a nice solo. Props to Aerosmith for bringing back an old song and
having a lot of fun with it. While seeing this Sunday evening with my
dad, I was able to get a nice quote about the band: "They look like
they could be the next site for a Superfund project." Good ol' Dad.

Song grade: A (Something had to bring up this show. Fortunately,
this did the trick. Unfortunately, it left me awake for the next
sketch.)

Sketch: Who Wrote This Sketch? Satan Or Adam McKay?

Characters:
Will Ferrell as Herr Gracken, Chris Parnell as Olaus, Horatio Sanz as
Herr Doktor, Julia Stiles as Helga

Memorable quotes:
None

Notes on the sketch:
This can't be what German television is like, can it? Dear God, why
did I have to witness this? I can only assume that Adam McKay wrote
this sketch; it would explain a lot of things.

Sketch grade: F- (I'm too angry to even comment.)

Sketch: Van Morrison Gets Piss Drunk

Characters:
Jimmy Fallon as Van Morrison

Memorable quotes:
None

Notes on the sketch:
Apparently, Van Morrison like Guinness ale. I didn't know. The
impression of Van's singing was pretty good, though I've only heard
"Brown Eyed Girl." This whole sketch just seemed to be an excuse to
get Jimmy all wet, but not in that way. You know, if they had cut this
sketch out, and the German one, and everything else after Weekend
Update, and the post office sketch, this episode would have been pretty
damn good. Instead we get crap.

Sketch grade: F (Finally, it's over.)

Overall sketch grade: D (Not that I'm surprised.)
Overall song grade: A- (At least something was good.)
Overall show grade: D+ (Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.)

Best sketches of the night: Wake Up Wakefield, Martha Stewart's Living
Worst sketches of the night: "The Doberman!" by Adam McKay, The Smile
Masters
Best player: Jimmy Fallon (Bet you never thought I'd give him this
award, did you?)
Worst player: Will Ferrell (Bet you never thought I'd give him this
award, did you?)

Oh dear Jesus, what happened? This was like a train wreck. This ranks
up there with the Tom Green, Lucy Liu, and Charlie Sheen debacles. I
can't say anything more. Hopefully the writers will pull their heads
out of their respective asses for the Alec Baldwin show. And once
again, the musical guest will be good. Hopefully the humor will be
there. So until April 7, this is Matt Schroeder saying that I did it.
Do you think I've gone too far? I did it, guilty as charged. I did
it. It was me, right or wrong. I did it. Yeah.

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