Julia Stiles / Aerosmith
March 17, 2001


Hi, I'm Jordan Davidson, and I've got a big ten inch. But enough about my
reviewing pencil.

I do have some big news for everyone.. A couple of nights ago I was
cleaning, and...

Jordan's Mom: You were cleaning? That's very big news!

Mom, that wasn't the big news. Anyway, I was..

Jordan's Mom: Honey, our boy was cleaning!

Mom, if you'd please let me finish the story...

Jordan's Mom: I think he deserves a present!

Mom, please stop.. Present? Okay.

Jordan's Mom: I'm going to go buy it right now!

You do that, Mom. Anyhoo, while I was cleaning, I stumbled upon something
that I've been looking for a while and has never been displayed publicly--my
Guess the Hosts list for 2000-01. So today, I thought I'd run through my
choices and reasoning for them.

Right at the top, Alec Baldwin, who, lo and behold, is hosting the next
show! I picked him because of his readiness to come back a lot (this next
show will be his 9th hosting job). I've always enjoyed his shows. (Correct
guess)

Next, Halle Berry. This was at the time that the X-Men movie was.. sort of
big. This choice I regret.

Next, Drew Carey. He cancelled a show on December 12, 1998, that was
eventually taken over by the aforementioned Alec Baldwin. Since then, he's
been pretty high up on my "People Who Should Host" list. He's on two hit
shows, dammit!

Jim Carrey. He's been in all these funny movies and has only hosted once.
Much like Elton John has recorded hundreds of great songs and has only been
the MG once. You'd think you could change at least one of these situations.

Dana Carvey. Since he's undergone a nice comeback, I thought it'd only make
sense to bring him back. And they did. Yay me! (Correct guess)

Matt Damon. Pretty much a random choice, probably because his best friend
Ben Affleck has readily appeared on the show three times now.

Andy Dick. He's been on my list for a while. The entire NewsRadio cast
rules, but he's one of the only ones who's famous outside of the show.

Dave Foley. See Andy Dick.

Sarah Michelle Gellar. This was made on the heels of her two cameos at the
end of the 1999-2000 season.

Kathie Lee Gifford. This was basically made because she's well known, lives
in New York, and has some time on her hands.

John Goodman. This was basically made because I hadn't recently undergone a
lobotomy.

Tom Green. Basically a random choice as well. I didn't even know Charlie's
Angels would be released at the time it was. Guess I got lucky. (Correct
guess)

Matt LeBlanc. Come on. He must be dying to stop the barbs from his fellow
Friends.

Debra Messing. Picked the wrong Will and Grace star. Grrr....

Frankie Muniz. How long has it been since a minor has hosted the show? And
this is one of the wittiest minors out there right now.

Mike Myers. I think this may have been before the death of "Dieter." And
still, he is an all-time fave of many. Why wouldn't he?

David Hyde Pierce. He's popular enough. Frasier's popular enough. Some
even like him better than Kelsey, he's that good.

Chris Rock. I heard a little movie called "I Was Made To Love Her" (later
renamed "Down to Earth") would be released. And Chris is just cool.

Adam Sandler. He's been overdue ever since he left. Need I say more?

And finally, David Spade. I'd heard about the Joe Dirt movie and thought it
could be possible. Looks like it still could be.

There you go, the 20 people I predicted to host the show in 2000-01.

And now, for a review of SNL's 500th live broadcast.

Overview - I know not much about Julia Stiles. I do know that she's 19 but
has the voice of a 40-year-old. And she's kinda hot, too. Aerosmith, on
the other hand, is one of my favourite musical institutions, and I was
delighted to see them again.

By the way, on account of the 500th show, this review was almost a dual
effort between myself and Mark Polishuk. I was going to make a trip to
London to visit my friend Pete, and the idea came that Mark and I should
hook up. It was Wednesday, though, that Mark found out he was working all
night and wouldn't be able to do it. Incidentally, I was still going to
make my trip to visit Pete, but the very next day I found out my mom had to
come over that day to bring me some papers to sign, and due to her schedule,
my schedule and the inconvenient bus schedule, I had to cancel as well.
Weird wild stuff.

Martha Stewart - This sketch was so true. I don't really understand St.
Patrick's Day either--and I am Irish, heritage-wise. I never even knew
people saw it as a big deal until I toured Laurier last year on St. Paddy's
Day, and every damn person was celebrating. It boggles the mind. Anyhoo, I
identified completely. B

Monologue - They mentioned the 500th show for 2.3 whole seconds. That'll go
down in history.. yeah. Note to writers: Tracy Morgan hitting on young
white female host = funny. B

Homocil - Rewind to about a month ago to my Sean Hayes review.

Wake Up Wakefield, Smell The Coffee, Help Me Into Your Custom Kitchen... - A
little known fact: SNL reviewer Paul Buxton attended this school in San Jose
and was on this show a record 357 times. Other than being pretty realistic
as to how middle schoolers generally tend to act, not too impressive. C

Post Office Security - These characters are now recurring, eh? Fair enough,
this could sort of work in almost every setting. (I use the term "sort of"
very freely.) B-

Aerosmith - This is the famous "Jaded" song, eh? Not too damn bad. makes
me wonder why I haven't bought an Aerosmith album in three years. Oh yeah.
They haven't released one until now. Silly me. A

Weekend Update - Good stuff here from the Jim-man and the McTinastress.
Liked the Ahnuld commmentary too. You know, I do think that if Ahnuld run
for office, people would vote for him. A lot of people. If a state can
elect a quasi-celebrity like Jesse Ventura, then surely, Schwarzenegger
would be a shoe-in. But while he's waiting, he can cripple David
Copperfield. B+

Suel Forrester, Psychic Seer - This sketch died, like twice, but it's nice
to see it back again. Loved the twist of throwing in the hidden messages..
"Who Let the Dogs Out" got a laugh. BTW, word is it won a poll of NBA
players as the song that they wish they would never hear again. I tell you,
when NBA players hate a rap song, you know it's bad. B

Foreign Cleaning Ladies - I didn't laugh once. I tried. I couldn't. I
tried thinking of something else funny. I couldn't. I tried thinking of
the time I saw Shaquille O'Neal try to sing the Canadian national anthem.
Okay, that I laughed at. I resumed watching the sketch again.. silence. D-

The Doberman - Word is Will hired that doberman attack because he heard he
was gonna be in this movie. F

(Skinned A)Live at the Apollo - Oh, I get it! Black people like watching
OTHER black people! HAHAHA.. *sigh* Now I know what to do if I'm ever at
the Apollo. It's about time I started talking to my older, blacker cousin
Tommy Davidson. C-

Eye Poppers - This was so fake, and yet, so real. A paradox, or am I just
high? You decide. Good stuff here. B+

Aerosmith - This song was more "Aerosmith meets the Brian Setzer Orchestra."
Had a nice beat to it. B+

German Kiddie Show - This reminded me of my early childhood, which took
place in Nazi Germany. Ah, memories.. The little girl who hogged all the
blocks, the kid who peed in the sandbox, the teacher yelled at me every time
I opened my mouth.. *sniff* This was very funny, but the kids seemed to be
more amused than scared. Oh well. A

Van Morrison - I don't know how dumping beer all over yourself can be funny.
Amazingly, it was. Maybe Jimmy just didn't want to fill up before the
party. B-

Overall - For a milestone show, not the best I could have hoped for, but I
won't complain too much. Still a solid effort, and not a bad result
overall. B-

I'm Jordan Davidson, and..

Jordan's Mom: Son, I've got your present!

Ooh, ooh, what is it?

Jordan's Mom: It took me a while, but I finally found a roll of tape I
thought you'd like.

Um.. it's beautiful, Mom.

Jordan's Mom: See the bunnies on it? See them? Angel pie, you're not
looking!

Um.. could I see it for a second?

Jordan's Mom: Sure. Hey, what are you...?

Much better.

Jordan's Mom: JMMHMM! YMM GMMMHMMM! HMM M SMMPMMM MMM?

I told you last time. Rectally. See you in April, gang!


Episode Review written by Jordan Davidson


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