Charlie Sheen / Nelly Furtado
January 13, 2001

Welcome to 2001, and I will not make a Stanley Kubrick reference because
that movie SUCKED IT HARD. Great premise, awful execution. The only
redeeming quality of that film is that its score was usurped by the Nature
Boy himself, Ric Flair. Whoo!

I had a very merry Christmas, although Santa Claus seems to give out a lot
of gift certificates now instead of toys. Sigh....I remember the days when
I would get ridiculously excited for Christmas and get a whole bunch of toys
(mostly Ghostbusters paraphernalia). Now, it's an envelope with Chapters
money. It's just not the same. Other than that, solid gifts included
copies of Dead Man Walking and Shawshank Redemption, a new
umbrella, the Club (the car-protecting gizmo), and Sarah Harmer's "You Were
Here" album. Excellent album, by the way; I'd say it's the best by any
musician this year not from either Ireland or Seattle.

New Year's Eve was also fun, as it was spent with about 200 high school
classmates at a London bar. I was the only sober one there (like a chump, I
was driving) but I did have a couple for posterity. The quest to find a
drink that I like is over: rye and ginger ale.

George W. Bush: Aw, come on, there are plenty of good drinks out there.
Boris Yeltsin: Vodka...
The Continental: Cham-PAN-yuh...
Homer Simpson: Beer...
Ned Flanders: My first (and LAST) blackberry schnapps....
Frasier Crane: Sherry...
Carrie Bradshaw: Cosmopolitians....
Captain Picard: Earl Grey tea...
Monica Lewinsky: Semen...
George Michael: I concur.
Ricky Martin: I concur...I mean wait, no, that dammit, now I've got
to hire another dozen women for my videos.

Graham Leslie, Erin Loomis, Greg Bigoni all sent me e-mails saying that the
film where Quentin Tarantino outs Top Gun is called Sleep With
Tarantino didn't direct it, he just has a cameo. According to
Greg, in fact, the film also includes Parker Posey topless. If that's not
incentive to rent it, I don't know what is. Greg didn't mention, however,
if Quentin is topless; sorry, ladies.

FANTASY BASKETBALL UPDATE (out of eight teams and a possible 112 points)
Jordan Davidson's Vinsane Asylum: 1st place, 85 points
Mark Polishuk's Dale Ellis All-Stars: 2nd place, 81 points
Tim Louman-Gardiner's Pageboys: 3rd place, 73 points
Kevin Paul's B-Ball Playing Monkeys: 5th place, 57 points
Charlie G's Sucko Chickens: 7th place, 50 points

Nice work from all, especially myself. The power of Ellis shall eventually


Charlie Estevez is one of Hollywood's beloved "bad boys." The definition of
a "bad boy" is an actor who does all sorts of dumbass things, make a halfass
apology, serve community service, get a role, and end up on the cover of
People magazine telling about how they're "back on top." Other examples
includes Robert Downey Jr, Rob Lowe, Scott Weiland, Drew Barrymore (a bad
girl), and many, many others. Charlie's comeback role was replacing Michael
J. Fox on the thoroughly average ABC show Spin City, which was only
brought up to the level of average from Fox's presence. Let me say that
again: Charlie Sheen replaced Michael J. Fox. This is the equivalent of
having your snowblower replaced with a spoon. Nevertheless, Charlie has
shown some comedic talent before, in the Hot Shots movies, and in
Being John Malkovich (great film, by the way). Charlie may very well
be a good host, so all of my somewhat nasty ol' comments are a bit uncalled
for. We love you, Charlie, you crazy, crack-taking,
prostitute-propositioning, boozehound!
By the way, Charlie's real last name is Estevez. When Martin Sheen first
came to Hollywood, he changed his name to "Sheen" to avoid being typecast in
Hispanic roles. Charlie took his dad's stage name, while Emilio decided to
go with the family name. Since I'm a jerk who likes to stir things up, I'll
be referring to Charlie by the name of Estevez throughout the review.

Ricky Martin: It could be worse; Mark could constantly call you a Latino
Singing Sensation and make many, MANY inneuendoes about your sexuality.

The musical guest is apparently Nelly Furtado, but I have my doubts. Let's
look at the facts:

A) She is from Victoria, B.C.
B) Her family background is Portuguese
C) She's a 22-year-old woman

I think the evidence points to the musical guest being SNL reviewer Tim
Louman-Gardiner. Tim is also from Victoria, he changed his family name from
Furtado to avoid type-casting in only Portuguese roles, and it's a
little-known fact that "Tim" is only an Internet name. "Tim" is really a
22-year-old woman, sort of like how Jordan Davidson is really a 38-year-old
postal worker from Trenton, New Jersey and how Sean Bradley is actually
David Spade. Anyway, I've heard some of "his" songs from Napster, and "I'm
Like A Bird" has been played ad nauseum over the past few months on
the radio, so I'm looking forward to the performance.


[COLD OPENING] Huh huh....he said "Dick."
As part of the "Keep Darrell Hammond Employed" movement, Dick Cheney makes
his first appearance on SNL. I think some humour can be mined from the
crafty uncle-idiot nephew relationship between Dick and Dubya, although I
would prefer that the vice-president always remain a supporting character in
the presidential sketches (a la Mark McKinney's "Hi, I'm" Al Gore). The
heart attack jokes were kind of funny, although I'm confused as to how
Cheney still lived despite his lack of a pulse.

Jay Leno: Hey, Al Gore didn't have a pulse for years!

Good one, Jay.

Jay Leno: Because he's so uptight!

Er, thanks, we get it.

Jay Leno: Because he's was perceived as being stiff and boring, and thus in
layman's terms, "robotic," and therefore not alive because robots are
inanimate objects.

Shut up, Jay. I've actually been to the Burlington Coat Factory before,
during my family's 1990 cross-country drive down to Florida. I didn't buy a
coat there, and this is my greatest regret in life (aside from my reviews
from the 97-98 season). B+

[MONOLOGUE] By This Logic, Michael Caine Will Be Broke Within Days
Charlie is starting to remind me of a young Clint Eastwood. I don't really
mean that in a complimentary way, as I noticed that Charlie's face is
getting awfully wrinkly when he smiles. I suppose with his lifestyle, I
would age quickly too...then again, thanks to premature baldness, I'm
already aging quickly. Sigh. The patented "Questions From the Audience"
bit makes its second appearance of the year, after the Rob Lowe show.
Here's a question: what is the name of the fat woman writer that is always
in these things? I enjoyed the bit about Charlie paying the guy back for
Men At Work, although this could open a giant can of worms for him in
real life (coughcoughmoneytalkscoughcough). B+

[COMMERCIAL] Reality Bites
Ah, the Fox Network. God bless them and their often mind-bogglingly trashy
programming. I'm sure some executive is watching the show right now and
ordering these up, oddly enough. Temptation Trailer could get a spot on
TNN. Out of these three shows, I would say that Herpes Island would
probably be the most entertaining; Temptation Trailer would probably get old
(rednecks are only temporarily entertaining), and The Cannibal pulled a
Cast Away and gave away the ending in the ad (I would've bet on
Horatio, obviously). Commercial was fun, but ultimately not really
memorable. B-

[SKETCH] Oh No, It Is Godzilla. We Must Flee.
First of all, I would like to point out the glaring inaccuracy in having the
bachelor cook anything at all. How else do you think us pizza delivery boys
stay in the money? Anyway, Helen Keller in a blindfold could've seen this
ending coming, but the sketch itself was still kind of fun. Odd how Maya
(who plays every other nationality) doesn't show up here as a Japanese
person. She looks more Japanese than, say, Chris Kattan, who looked like
Ming the Merciless from the thoroughly wretched Flash Gordon movie.
I think I would be remiss if I didn't point out how Molly Shannon actually
mouthed her lines, when the whole point of dubbing is to put English over
the TOTALLY UNRELATED other language. Good lord. B-

[RANDOM SHOT OF THE BAND] What the hell is that woman playing? She was just
sort of grabbing at the air, and I didn't see any strings.

[SKETCH] By Modern Standards, The Wild Thing Is No Turk Wendell
See why Lorne is so smart? Tracy Morgan's word-mumbling problem is overcome
by giving him a character that speaks in indecipherable mumbling. Eric
Dickerson, by the way, will probably not have a job next year, so this will
likely be the end of this sketch. The Wild Thing cameo was kind of odd,
since the Wild Thing is, you know, a baseball player.

Dan Fouts: It is a little strange, since the Wild Thing is a baseball player
and plays the game of baseball, whereas the rest of the characters in the
sketch were involved in the game of football.

Will's Dan Fouts impression is still good, and Jimmy's Dennis Miller was
much improved from the season premiere. His comment about Charlie getting
more Tang than NASA reminded me of a memorable quote from my friend Dave.
We were in Montreal last summer, and Dave bought a stuffed Youppi (the Expos
mascot) for his then-girlfriend. As Dave put it, "Youp-Youp had better get
me some 'tang." I have to find out if that little ploy ever worked, as it
was pretty fiendish in its intricacy. B+

[SKETCH] I Prefer the Term 'Cracker.'
Why has the euphemism 'cracker' gone by the wayside? I kind of liked that
one myself...I bring it up only because Will called himself and Ana
"judgemental honkies." Judgemental crackers would have sounded just as
good, if not better. Anyway, this was a step above the average Kulps
sketch, as the story about parking on the Library of Congress lawn was quite
funny, and the music was really well put together. I was about to deduct a
point for the inclusion of the Creed song, but the point was regained by the
reference to premature baldness. It's a scourge, people. A-

[WEEKEND UPDATE] Insults, Injuries and Immigrants...Kurt Angle's Other
Three I's

First off, what's up with Jimmy's hair? Half of it was crazy, but the other
half was normal.

George: It's like he's a two-face.
Jerry: Like the Batman villain?
George: If that helps you, yes.

The news was pretty good this week. I thought Tina seemed a little giddy
during some of the jokes, such as when Charlie did the Mark McKinney-as-Al
Gore walk-in. Here's a question I've always wondered about pandas: what if
the female simply doesn't want to mate with the male, or vice versa? Just
because two beings are thrown together, that doesn't mean that romantic
chemistry is automatically created (i.e. Jodie Foster and any male lead).
These scientists are, then, sexually harassing these poor pandas. Sexual
Harassment Panda should show up and teach those a-hole scientists a lesson.
Uh, anyway, the correspondants were average, overall. Maya's character
reminded me of that maid from the O.J. Trial...Rosa something? Kattan's
walk-on (or ride-on) as Prince Andrew was dumb, but funny. If I see a few
more of them, however, the humour will decrease and the stupidity level will
increase. The Katherine Harris bit seemed to be a case where Ana thought
the dialogue was funnier than it was, and thus Ana's dramatic pauses ended
up being dead air. The insults directed the various TV commentators were
rather funny; really, insults are good in general. My current favourite is
to ask the person if their mother did drugs during her pregnancy. That is
guaranteed to get a reaction (sometimes a violent one, but pobody's
nerfect). B

[MUSICAL GUEST] A Real American Hero, G.I. Nelly Is There...
Every Sunday afternoon, my dad stops by Angelo's -- the GREAT bakery on the
other side of town -- in order to get some Portuguese buns. These buns
taste great, and when combined with bologna that is slathered in mustard, it
makes one hell of a sandwich. I only bring this up because Nelly/Tim is
half Portguese, and I will refrain from making the obvious comment about her
buns. My friend Scott once said, "I can't help but want to f*** Nelly
Furtado," and that bluntly sums it up right there. Just because she's hot
does not mean I'm going to refrain from making fun of her clothes, however.
Seals could have leapt through her giant earrings, and she apparently came
to New York straight after fragging Charlie in Da Nang. Fun aside, the song
is called "I'm Like A Bird," and it's from her debut album "Whoa Nelly." It
was not co-produced, as it so happens, by ABC broadcaster Keith Jackson. A-

[SKETCH] Acting! Brilliant!
See why Lorne is so smart? Molly Shannon's hamminess and line-changing is
overcome by giving her a character that is a huge ham and blatantly changes
lines. The fact that the Patsy March character is a lot like Master
Thespian was apparently over-looked, so maybe Lorne isn't all that smart.
It was also kind of creepy that Molly looked a lot like Madeline Kahn in
that wig. Nevertheless, this sketch was pretty okay. NOTE TO LORNE: that
does NOT mean it should be recurring, just so you know. I had a suspicion
that Jon Lovitz would do a cameo at the end, in the role of Tom Phillips,
but my suspicions were for naught. I guess that's why Nancy Drew's the
detective, and I'm not. B

[SKETCH] On The Bright Side, Think Of The Money Saved In Diapers
Here's one of those Will Ferrell classic moments: who besides Will could
have made this sketch funny? The stupid ending notwithstanding (what was up
with the gang?), this sketch was quite good. You'd figure that Rachel would
be unconscious from the pain of birthing a 190-pound man, but then again,
why am I looking for reality in a sketch about a woman giving birth to a
37-year-old man?

Bill Cosby: At least it wasn't a submarine sandwich.

I didn't think they did quite as much with the premise as was possible, but
the end result was still respectable. B+

[SKETCH] T.G.I.F*** You!
At first I thought Kattan was impersonating Nicholas Cage, and the sketch
would be about Cage waiting tables in order to prepare for a role as a
waiter. TRADEMARK LINE: I should write for this show. Anyway, the actual
sketch just served for the cast to channel Monty Python. I half expected
Kattan to say "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" when asking if Charlie and Molly
were married, and Will was channeling the spirit of John Cleese's drill
sergeant whilst impersonating T.G.I.Friday. Unlike Monty Python, however,
this sketch wasn't funny. I do give credit to Will for finally making Chris
Parnell break character, as you could tell that Chris was almost losing it
when Will was hamming it up. D (by the way, my review is not be biased by
the fact that I once spent $15 at T.G.I. Friday's for a lousy burger and
fries. On second thought, maybe it is.)

[SNL "DIGITAL" SHORT] Aunt Jemima Is Much Hotter Than That Cream of Wheat

Poor Adam McKay. He's obviously trying so hard to get in the cast, and he's
just not any good. It's a shame. I mean, he can't even portray perversion
properly; speaking on behalf of perverts everywhere, we're much worse than
that. By the way, who was the writer that played Jeff, the main pervert? I
think his hopes of being a cast member are pretty much shot as well. What
kind of bet did Horatio and Parnell lose to get involved in this quagmire of

Horatio Sanz and Chris Parnell: We bet on the Vikings.

Oh. Sorry. F

[SKETCH] As Abbott & Costello Spin In Their Graves...
My friend Trevor and I performed the entire "Who's On First" routine for our
grade 7 "oral presentation," also known as speeches.

Monica Lewinsky: I am also good at oral presentations.
Ricky Martin: So am I...because I'm a singer, and thus my singing is an oral
performance. What did you think I meant?

From Grade 7, I know that this was the actual routine, word-for-word. Well,
except for the parts about whoring substituted for the baseball positions,
but other than that, it was totally accurate. It took me a few seconds to
figure out where they were going with this, then I got the "Fleissy" joke.
After that, I was laughing my ass off. Remarkably silly, but funny. A

PERFORMERS OF THE NIGHT: Will Ferrell, Charlie Sheen
BEST SKETCHES OF THE NIGHT: Whores On First, the Kulps
BUSIEST CAST MEMBERS: Chris Parnell (6 sketches), Jimmy Fallon and Will
Ferrell (5 each)
Rudolph (2 sketches each)
MISTAKES: Nothing really noteworthy. There was some shaky camera work
during Update, but that wasn't major.

"What's up Japan? I'm gonna kick your ass like we kicked your ass in
Vietnam!"-- Jimmy Fallon, as American bachelor chef Derek Parsons

"This is my type of football. Two teams, each with a head coach, playing
the game of football, against each other for 60 minutes on a regulation
football field. It doesn't get any better than that."-- Will Ferrell, as
Dan Fouts

"Eric, you wore a helmet when you played, right?"-- Charlie Sheen (as Wild
Thing) to Tracy Morgan (as Eric Dickerson)

"We're just a couple of judgemental honkies."-- Will Ferrell, as Marty Culp

"I'd like to point out that I was banned from wearing my signature
beret..."-- Chris Parnell, as the dopey soap star

"Sonograms are mostly bullcrap."-- Charlie Sheen, as the doctor


Very good show, with only one really poor segment. Charlie was a good sport
about mocking his past, and did a pretty good job as host. He didn't really
play a great variety of roles, but he still did performed respectably.
Nelly/Tim was quite good, and I will let somebody else make the now
traditional, Eagle-Eye Cherry rant asking why she didn't get a second song.
Overall, a solid B+ show.
Next week will be another live show, hosted by Mena Suvari. You may recall
her from such films as American Pie, American Beauty, and
Loser (because only a loser would make films about being American).
Just kidding. I'm not really familiar with her comedic talents, so we'll
have to wait and see. The musical guest is Lenny Kravitz, who I've never
been a big fan of, but he's not really all that bad. Until then, adieu.

Mark "Calling An Album 'Whoa Tim!' Just Doesn't Have The Same Ring To It"

Episode Review written by Mark Polishuk

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