Lucy Liu / Jay-Z
December 16, 2000

My father's family name being Schroeder, and my Christian name Matthew,
my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more
explicit than Pip.

Recently, I was able to download a copy of the sketch "Food, Sex, or
Cars", and it reminded me of one of my favorite lines from SNL, that
being, "A can of beets, Estelle Getty, or a bobcat with a saddle on

Since there has only been one entry into last week's version of "Matt's
Totally Meaningless Trivia Game", I'm repeating last week's question
here. AND...I'm extending the deadline. You have until the end of
this calendar year. The question was, "Who wrote the novel "Lolita"?
First and last name, please." Please e-mail me with the correct

This week's question is: "What movie won the first Oscar for Best
Picture?" You have until January 13, 2001.

And now, the "...Of The Weeks"!

Movie of the week: PCU
"The Critic" quote of the week: "I don't like that memory at all. But
wait! Let's look at it again, through the magic of self-delusion!"
Download of the week: "Black Jesus" by Everlast
Website of the week:
Pizza topping of the week: Feta Cheese
European capital of the week: Bratislava
Former U.S. President of the week: James Garfield
"Kids In The Hall" sketch of the week: Francesca Fiori and Bruno Puntz
Broadway play of the week: Aida

And now, "On Today's Date In History"!

December 16, 1631 - Mount Vesuvius erupts, destroying six villages and
killing over 4,000 people.
December 16, 1770 - Ludwig van Beethoven is born. He went deaf the
next day.
December 16, 1773 - A bunch of Indians gather at Boston harbor and have
a tea party.
December 16, 1809 - Napoleon Bonaparte divorces Josephine because she
cannot bear him a son.
December 16, 1916 - Grigori Rasputin is murdered, but the murdering
started fourteen years before this date.
December 16, 1921 - Charles Camille Saint-Saens, French composer, dies.
December 16, 1941 - Lesley Stahl is born.
December 16, 1943 - Steven Bochco, producer of "Hill Street Blues", "LA
Law", "St. Elsewhere", and "NYPD Blue", is born.
December 16, 1944 - The Battle of the Bulge begins in Belgium. This is
not the same as the "Battle of the Bulge" diets that are sweeping the
nation today.
December 16, 1944 - Glenn Miller dies at the ripe age of 40.
December 16, 1962 - William "Refrigerator" Perry is born, but back then
he was just "Icebox" Perry.
December 16, 1963 - Benjamin Bratt (Detective Curtis on "Law And
Order") is born.
December 16, 1964 - Billy Ripken, Cal Jr.'s little brother, is born.
December 16, 1966 - The Jimi Hendrix Experience releases its first
single in the United Kingdom, "Hey Joe".
December 16, 1967 - Donovan Bailey, gold medalist for Canada in the
100-meter dash in the 1996 Olympics, is born.
December 16, 1970 - The first successful landing on Venus is made by
the USSR.
December 16, 1971 - Don McLean's epic single "American Pie" is
December 16, 1972 - The Miami Dolphins become the first NFL team to go
through the regular season undefeated and untied.
December 16, 1973 - O.J. Simpson becomes the first player in NFL
history to rush for 2,000 yards in one season. He just slashed through
opposing defenses that year...
December 16, 1980 - A sad day for fast-food patrons and a joyful day
for chickens everywhere: Harland "Colonel" Sanders dies.
December 16, 1980 - Ronald Reagan announces that his secretary of state
will be Alexander Haig.
December 16, 1983 - Yogi Berra is named manager of the Yankees for the
second time.
December 16, 1989 - Lee Van Cleef (best known as "The Bad" in "The
Good, The Bad, & The Ugly") dies.
December 16, 1990 - Jean-Bertrand Aristide is elected president of
December 16, 1991 - The Florida Marlins sign their first player, 16
year old pitcher Clemente Nuñez.
December 16, 1993 - A sad day for teenagers: Shannen Doherty is fired
from Beverly Hills 90210.
December 16, 1997 - President Bill Clinton gives his Labrador Retriever
a name, "Buddy".

Something recently came to mind regarding this whole election business.
Back in 1796, a president was elected, John Adams. He served for only
one term. His son, John Quincy Adams, was elected president a few
years later. However, unlike his father, John Quincy Adams won the
electoral vote and not the popular vote. Like his father before him,
John Q. only served one term.

A few years ago, we elected George Bush, a one-term president. Now we
have elected his son, who we distinguish from his father by his middle
name, to the presidency. Unlike his father, George W. Bush won the
presidency in the electoral college but not in the popular vote. But
like many will say, history doesn't repeat itself. Or does it?

Host: Lucy Liu

Well, she can be seen on "Ally McBeal" and the new film "Charlie's
Angels". But since her acting skills in both are minimal at best, not
much is expected for this, her debut on Saturday Night Live.

Musical Guest: Jay-Z

This is an odd selection. Personally, I'm in favor of having the
Jiggaman come to the show, but his most recent album came out almost
two months ago. Way to stay on the cutting edge, SNL.

So without any further ado (I really need to cut down on all this ado),
I give you...

The Review of the Lucy Liu/Jay-Z Episode!



Sketch: George And Al Meet For Lunch

Chris Kattan as a waiter, Will Ferrell as George W. Bush, Darrell
Hammond as Al Gore

Memorable quotes:
"What do you mean, you mean there's more than one Chi-Chi's
restaurant?" by Will Ferrell
You said you'd be here about two hours ago, when the big hand is on the
twelve and the little hand is on the one." by Will Ferrell
"Wars are like execution, super sized." by Will Ferrell
"A leader has to make some very tough decisions. And that's why i'm
going with the chimichangas." by Will Ferrell
"Bring me tequila. Shots, and the worm." "Whoo! That takes me back!"
by Darrell Hammond and Will Ferrell
"If I'd lost that thing, I'd've cried like a baby. I would've gone on
TV and told everyone to suck it." by Will Ferrell

Notes on the sketch:
- Interesting little thing at the beginning... Did anyone else notice
the little "Good, The Bad, & The Ugly" musical thing at the beginning
of this sketch?
- What's Chi-Chi's? I can only assume that it's a big chain of Tex-Mex
restaurants, but we don't have 'em over here.
- Wow, that's cool. Darrell only has to enter and he gets a huge round
of applause.
- Who's his "Mexican" nephew?
- Why only Diet Coke?
- The interior of the secretary? I feel dirty just listening to that.
- Predictable joke about the pepper really being hot.
- Good joke about the ballot/boob inspector hat.
- That hat didn't fit Darrell at all, but somehow it kind of makes
sense that Al Gore would wear his hat exactly like that.
- I'm surprised that George W. would give away a hat that said "Boob
Inspector", but then Al could give it to Bill Clinton.
- Predictable that George would steal the spotlight on the "Live from
New York..."

Sketch grade: B (Another good political opener, but not great.)

Monologue: Lucy Liu

Lucy Liu, Tracy Morgan, Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Hugh
Fink, Rachel Dratch, Jerry Minor, Horatio Sanz, Molly Shannon, and
Lorne Michaels all as themselves

Memorable quotes:
"Me love you long time" by Tracy Morgan
"Mmm, that's good dog" by Horatio Sanz

- Good ad lib about the people from Queens.
- The first asian woman? Interesting, but what other Asian woman could
have hosted the show? Oh, never mind.
- Apparently Jimmy doesn't comb his hair even for meetings.
- Horatio stole this sketch when he ate the dog.
- Somehow I'm not surprised that Lorne is the type that just HAS to get
his nails done.
- The gong at the end fit in with all the stereotypes, but didn't
really fit into the sketch.
- Did they miss any stereotypes? I can think of a few, but won't get
into them here.

Sketch grade: D+ (I wasn't sure whether to laugh or to be offended.
I'm still not sure. Horatio's line stole it though.)


Darrell Hammond as William Shatner

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- Darrell's impression of Shatner was about as accurate as Elton John
doing an impression of Chris Tucker.
- Brand-name soda? Is that any different from Coke or Pepsi? If not,
then is it really considered "moving up in the world" if you can now
buy brand-name soda?
- That is a good point about not wanting to spend all day on the
internet to save a couple of cents.

Sketch grade: F (Not funny, but thought-provoking. This is a bad
sign for a show that is noted for being a comedic show.)

Sketch: Total Request Live

Jimmy Fallon as Carson Daly, Ana Gasteyer as Joanette, Maya Rudolph as
Brittanica, Lucy Liu as Binaca

Memorable quotes:
"My name's Carson Daly, and I'm completely average in every way." by
Jimmy Fallon

Notes on the sketch:
- Good to see that the writers are so barren for ideas that they have
to do a repeat of the November 4 sketch. Come on, SNL. Where's that
cutting edge comedy that you were known for?
- At least Lucy Liu can play a good whore.
- Her character reminds me of Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez from TLC.
- Her "minivan" line was pretty good.
- That was a pretty predictable joke about being #1 in Finland.
- The "chunky" line was pretty good too.
- If this starts becoming a recurring character, that "massive tool"
line has got to go. It was funny the first time, the second time
garnered some chuckles, but now it's stupid.

Sketch grade: D

Sketch: Celebrity Jeopardy

Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek, Jimmy Fallon as Robin Williams, Lucy Liu
as Catherine Zeta-Jones, Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery

Memorable quotes:
"The diapers are in the bedroom closet, and the baby's diapers are
under the sink." by Lucy Liu
"I pose a cunundrum to you. A riddle if you will. What's the
difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck, I
don't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore." by Darrell
"Boy, you might be legally retarded." by Darrell Hammond
"I'll take Anal Bum Cover for $500." by Darrell Hammond
"You'd have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up. And
now, let's see how you managed to mess it up." by Will Ferrell

Notes on the sketch:
- Did that lady say that "Jeopardy" is next? YES! THANK GOD!
- Ah, the tenth installment of Celebrity Jeopardy.
- I wish I knew what it was that made Alex apologize to all blind
people and children.
- Jimmy's Robin Williams was more the Robin of earlier. He's much
calmer now. But kudos to Jimmy anyway for being exactly like Robin
Williams and still exactly like himself.
- This makes the fifth straight appearance in Celebrity Jeopardy for
Jimmy Fallon (Adam Sandler, Nicolas Cage, French Stewart, Hilary Swank,
and now Robin Williams).
- Ever noticed that "Potent Potables" is in every single Celebrity
Jeopardy? This is the sixth time that it's been in the first spot.
Second place goes to the category of "Potpourri".
- Sean Connery is also here. Good one.
- "An Album Cover"? Why have that one in there? Unless Sean will do
something with it...
- God, this has got to be the greatest recurring sketch they've ever
- Kudos to Will Ferrell for being nothing, and never having been
anything, like Alex Trebek.
- After he gave the answer to the "5" question, I was expecting Sean
Connery to say something similar to when he said that Alex wouldn't
have known the answer if he didn't have the card...
- At least they got the part about Robin Williams' chest hair right.
- Anal Bum Cover! I love it!
- Error by Jimmy in making sure everyone and his dog could see him
holding the fake hand.
- Catherine's self-question would have been funnier had they not asked
the same question last year on the Norm McDonald episode. You
remember, Sean Connery answered, "Moo" on that episode. At least it
was funny to see that Catherine didn't know what sound a doggy makes.
- You know, some part of me kind of wanted to see the rest of Sean's
drawing. I kinda wanted him to do another thing similar to the
"Indoors" thing where the revelation of the wager shows the other half
of Sean's answer...
- Jimmy's dancing at the end was reminiscent of the Martin Short

Sketch grade: A (Since this will be the second-to-last installment of
this sketch, if not the last, this was a great send-off. I'm still
laughing about the "Anal Bum Cover" thing.)

Sketch: Pretty Living

Ana Gasteyer as Gail Gleason, Molly Shannon as Helen Madden, Lucy Liu
as Rio Regal

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- Oh dear God, please tell me that they're not doing this one again.
- Why on Earth did this one get brought back?
- Well, since the host is a female, does this mean that Jay-Z will be
her new lover?
- A lot of wrapping done...interesting that she says that when the
musical guest is a rapper.
- Why did the audience go nuts when Helen did the first "I love it"?
Hasn't the audience heard it the first 50,000 times?
- Please make it stop.
- She? Female? Oh sweet Jesus, Helen Madden is bisexual?

Sketch grade: F- (My lowest grade possible.)

Sketch: Jarret's Webcast

Jimmy Fallon as Jarret, Horatio Sanz as Goby, Lucy Liu as Jenna, Chris
Parnell as Daniel

Memorable quotes:
"Attention earthlings, take me to your dealer!" by Horatio Sanz
"Oh man, you're right! It works on TWO levels!" by Horatio Sanz

Notes on the sketch:
- Hempshire? No, that's not clever.
- Once again, Sanz steals the sketch.
- That's a great t-shirt. I want that shirt.
- In case you were wondering, that show could just have easily have
been broadcast from Washington State University. Not from my dorm room
mind you, but from many other rooms.
- The show was corduroy? Huh?
- Okay, first in the Total Request Live sketch they mention Finland.
Now they mention Iceland. What's with all the Scandinavian countries?
- Lucy and Jimmy weren't EVEN funny in this sketch.
- Did anyone notice that he called Goby his roommate, but then later he
said that Daniel was his roommate? We don't have multiple roommates at
Wazzu, does anyone else?
- What's with all the abbreviating? Downright stupid.
- Food for thought: The computer at the end was a Macintosh. They've
used mostly iMacs in the Nick Burns sketches. Does SNL have some kind
of deal with Apple?

Sketch grade: D (The sketch sucked when Horatio went down for a nap.)

Weekend Update: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

Memorable quotes:

- Well, here we go again. (Haven't I said that before?)
- I see that Jimmy still hasn't combed his hair. And
- Good joke about George W. not being elected, even though it had been
done before.
- None of the jokes were on tonight. They all had really good setups,
but the punchlines just fell flat.
- The bit with James Madison was totally unnecessary.
- Frankly, I think that Kattan should have played Madison, not Dratch.
- The last thing I needed to hear is Dratch wanting to take Tina Fey
over her knee and have her way with her.
- The bit with James Madison had so much potential. They could have
talked about how the founding fathers didn't plan on this, etc., etc.,
etc. but they took the easy way out. Boo.
- At least I was able to get a chuckle out of Jimmy knowing exactly
where to find a whore. Actually, if James Madison is REALLY looking
for a whore, he needn't look any farther than tonight's host.
- Stupid joke about Al Gore partying.
- Stupid jokes about Hillary's new book.
- Stupid joke about Al Gore's consolation prizes.
- Stupid Godfather joke.
- Stupid joke about Ruth Bator Ginsberg.
- The whole deal with Chris Kattan was totally stupid and unnecessary.
Why oh why?
- Mildly funny joke about breast feeding.
- Stupid A-Rod joke.
- Stupid joke about gay-themed TV, but predictable.
- Oh no, why did they have Jimmy do his songs?
- The one of "With Arms Wide Open" was WAY too long and totally lacking
in humor.
- I will never forgive Jimmy for doing a song using "Babylon".
- And as for the parody of "Beautiful Day", I would like to quote Jay
Sherman. "What's the matter with you people? You should be throwing
stuff at the screen!" Last week's performance was one of the most
memorable in SNL history and he's making fun of it as though Bono was
some kind of asshole. Please SNL, I'm begging you. FIRE JIMMY FALLON!
- Also, please stop with that end line. Why must you copy Curtin?

Weekend Update grade: F (They've reverted back to week one.)

Musical Guest: Jay-Z featuring Beanie Sigel & Memphis Bleek
Song: I Just Wanna Love U (Give It 2 Me) from the album "The Dynasty:
Roc La Familia 2000"

- This is a pretty good song.
- Also good to see a live band backing them up.
- Too bad that they edited out the actual line of "But don't bulls***
me" and said "But don't bull wit me".
- Time for your latest version of "Know Your Rappers": Jay-Z is in the
Barry Sanders jersey. Beanie Sigel is in the yellow t-shirt. Memphis
Bleek is in the black t-shirt and black baseball cap. I don't know who
the fourth rapper is.
- I have a question for all out there who automatically say that all
rap is bad. When you go to a party, what music do you expect to be
playing in the background? Or do you not expect to have music in the
background? Because it's awfully hard to dance to a song like "With
Arms Wide Open" or "Beautiful Day" or anything in the Radiohead
- Interesting note: The second verse isn't in the album version of the
- Good song, but the performance was somewhat uninspired.

Song grade: B (Like I said, I enjoyed seeing another rapper come
back, and the song was good also. But the performance was lacking.)

There was a great ad for Nike inbetween the song and the next sketch.
It had Gary Payton playing one-on-one with someone else. I won't go
into details, but it was funny.

Sketch: Trimming The Tree

Chris Parnell as a father, Ana Gasteyer as a mother, Jimmy Fallon as a
nutcracker, Molly Shannon as an angel, Lucy Liu as an elf, Will Ferrell
as a skier, Chris Kattan as a star, Horatio Sanz as a California
Raisin, Rachel Dratch as a Christmas cookie, Darrell Hammond as a
Santa, Maya Rudolph as an instructions booklet for a space heater

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- This sketch brings up an interesting question. What happens when a
comedy show tries to do a sketch lacking in humor that tries to play on
the heartstrings of the viewers? The answer: Trimming The Tree gets
into the show and further sucks up an already terrible show.
- Hammond sure had a major part in this sketch... Three words, "Ho!
Ho! Ho!"
- The elf may have wanted to see the inside of a dumpster, but this
sketch deserves to see the inside of a dumpster.
- Somehow, you know that this sketch is coming back next week. It
shouldn't, but it will. That's one reason not to watch next week.

Sketch grade: F

Sketch: Robert Goulet raps with Jay-Z

Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet, Jay-Z, Beanie Sigel, Memphis Bleek and
as themselves

Memorable quotes:
"That ain't the deal-io" by Will Ferrell
"Who the fluck want one, baby" by Will Ferrell
"Bitch on my back, yak in my pocket, smokin' that sticky chocolate" by
Will Ferrell
"Maybe he needs a little pull on the funny stuff." by Will Ferrell
"Hey fellas, you curled his horns." by Will Ferrell

Notes on the sketch:
- As I said the first time they did this sketch, was the opening
directed by Polishuk?
- Something tells me that they can't say "jack off" on TV, so they
adjusted it to "jag off".
- Interesting that Jay-Z couldn't "remember the words" to "Hard Knock
- Why is Jay-Z wearing a Limp Bizkit hat?
- Did Jay-Z say something after he spilled ash on himself? Something
was edited out.
- Now I'm really wondering. Is there some kind of story behind the
bighorn sheep? Did Goulet (the real-life Goulet) have a run-in with a
bighorn sheep?
- Hilarious to see the rappers giving the sheep some weed.

Sketch grade: A (Another funny installment. Expect this one to come
around the next time they've got a rapper as the musical guest.)

Sketch: Seasons Greetings From Weekend Update

Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey as themselves, and some other guy

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- What the?
- Why even have this?


Sketch grade: D (Still trying to figure it out.)

Musical Guest: Jay-Z featuring Beanie Sigel and Memphis Bleek
Song: "Is That Your Chick" from the album "The Understanding"

- Ladies and gentlemen, the coup of the evening. This song is not a
Jay-Z song. This is a Memphis Bleek song that Jay-Z is featured on.
It can be found on Memphis Bleek's album, "The Understanding".
- Funny reference to the song "Shut Up" by Trick Daddy. "Uh-huh, okay,
what's up, shut up."
- Since Missy Elliott wasn't there, they must have had to use a tape of
- Also, it's worth noting that in the third verse of this song, Memphis
Bleek let slip the s-word. Rewind and take a listen.
- You'd think that if the show has a musical guest on, he's going to do
one of his own songs. Not in Jay-Z's case. The argument could be made
that since his friends weren't the musical guest, he's trying to help
out their career by letting them highlight. However, the argument
could also be made that it was Jay-Z that is the musical guest, not his
buddies. For the final word, we turn to David Gray, whose comments are
edited, but follow here. "LORNE MICHAELS YOU M#$%!@^&! YOU ONLY GIVE

Song grade: C- (Good song, but the performance was, once again,
lacking. Also, points taken off for not doing a Jay-Z song.)

Sketch: Season's Greetings From Saturday Night Live, Part 2

Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan as

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- This was good the first time around, but it was downright stupid now.
- Tracy seemed really angry to be there this time.
- Jimmy still hasn't figured out how to work that tricky synthesizer.
Jimmy, you push the C if you want the keyboard to play in the key of C.
If you want the keyboard to play in the key of F, you push an F. It's
not that hard.

Sketch grade: F (This was a sketch that was funny only once, last
week. This week it just seemed like filler.)

Overall sketch grade: D+ (How on Earth does a show get four F's and
an F- and still get this high of a grade?)
Overall song grade: C+ (One of the only highlights.)
Overall show grade: D+ (According to my notes, this is lower than the
debacle that is the Tom Green episode.)

Best sketches of the night: Celebrity Jeopardy, Robert Goulet raps
with Jay-Z
Worst sketches of the night: Pretty Living;; Weekend
Update; Trimming The Tree; Seasons Greetings From Saturday Night
Live, Part 2
Best player: Horatio Sanz (I was considering giving this one to
Darrell, but the ad screwed his chances at that.)
Worst player: Jimmy Fallon (But after a show like tonight's, we're
all losers.)

Incredible. Absolutely incredible. I didn't feel this strongly
against an episode after the Tom Green hosting. Congratulations SNL.
You have a knack for leaving us all with a bad feeling in our stomachs
going into a big break. There was the Jackie Chan season ender last
year, then Tom Green right before the Thanksgiving break, now this?
Where's Steve Martin? Where's Alec Baldwin? Come on.

I need to go take some Alka-Seltzer to relieve the burning in my
stomach. So, until next time, I'll see you later!

Episode Review written by Matt Schroeder

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