Lucy Liu / Jay-Z
December 16, 2000


From New York, Where one Rockefeller Center tree can
give you fiber for life, It's JK's SNL: SPECIAL
CHRISTMAS EDITION. Brought to you by "CHIA BONG": Just
add water, makes a great gift.

OK, I've got ground to cover up the wazzoo so please
bear with me. Some ground includes the 2nd annual
"Mid-Season awards", which is coming up later. But
First, I'd like to talk about some things that are on
my mind, In other words: "I HAVE AN OPINION" (fanfare)

PRESIDENT-ELECT BUSH?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Also, I only get a week off for vacation this year.
Whatever happened to 2 weeks? Is my school that poor?
Maybe they shouldn't have shelled out their budget on
food flavored lunches.

and for the last time, the millenium starts in 2001,
not 2000!

And another thing, after finding out that Charlie
Sheen is to be on when the show comes back, (Cue
applause) I found out that there isn't a musical guest
yet. Which got me to thinking. Can't there be a show
W/O a musical guest? I mean sure it was only done once
(1978: Walter Matthau) But why not try it again? It
will give the show plenty of chances to improve
itself.

 

Finally, WWTBAM (if you know what that means) Is going
to be making more money next year, (An extea $10000
per show) What do I care? I'm 16! I can't go. Even so,
I'm what the rap fans call "Po!"

Listen, you all don't have to agree with me, but
simply put...

I HAVE AN OPINION (fanfare)

Getting back to the show, The christmas show is
usually good, but this one isn't so good. Despite the
fact that I want to take last nights host for a kind
of "Egg roll". (if you know what I mean) I said I was
going to do this, and I am.
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OPENING: (...And yet they still applaud for gore...)

The Good: Gore
"Jalape~nios"
Bush

The Bad: nothing, and yet, the sketch was still a
little off.

The Rating: C+
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Monolouge: (---INSERT COMMENT HERE---)

The Good: "Carrage ride"
Horatio eating the dog
(Subliminally)lucy's hot

The Bad:Asian Steriotypes
(you guessed it) Horatio eating the dog

The Rating: C+
-------------------------------------------------------
Priceline.com: (disturbed Shudder)

The good: Material

The bad: Worse shattner impression in years

The Rating: C+
-------------------------------------------------------
TRL: ("I like big butts in the can like that"...) I
think that's how it goes.

The good: Fine limber movements

The bad: Mr. Massive tool

The Rating: C+ (again)
-------------------------------------------------------
Jeopardy: (Great, but starting to lose it's spark)

The Good: "Robin Williams"
"Sean Connery" (as usual)
ANAL BUM COVER (LINE OF THE YEAR BTW)
Trebek and a horse

The Bad: Who are the beatles? (major insult to me,
don't ask why)

The rating: A
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Pretty Living: (all right, everyon to the Bomb shelter
NOW!)

The good: You've got to be kidding?

The Bad: Do I really have to say it?

The Rating : F* (can't make a divite by sign)
-------------------------------------------------------
Webcam Show: (Move over Nick Burns)

The Good: "Funkin Gonuts"
How Lucy reminds me of this girl I used to
know.
Pubic Hair beard
Horatio

The Bad: I think Jimmy was high. I dunno for sure

The Rating: B
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Update: (c'mon let's go 8 for 8 here.)

The Good: Jimmy
Old school jimmy
Tina

The bad: "James Madison"
"Baby New year"

The rating: (not even those two can ruin this
update) A+
-------------------------------------------------------
Jay-Z: You know the rest (both of them)

The rating:---------
-------------------------------------------------------
Ornaments: (Yeah I know It wasn't funny, but maybe
that wasn't supposed to be the purpose of the sketch)

The Good: The concept

The Bad: The lack of humor

BONUS OPINION: Maybe the good and the bad were
supposed to clash together, or maybe they try to make
it look like one of those christmas plays at
elementary schools.

The Rating: A (gift grade)
-------------------------------------------------------
Robert Gouleeeeettttttt: (it's a rap)

The good: Jay-z
"goulet"
Big horned goat

The bad: When it was goulet's turn to sing the rap
"Not as funny the 2nd time around" kind of
moment

The rating: B+
-------------------------------------------------------
Greetings from update: (short & sweet)

The good: that bum
"Who th F**K are you?"

The bad: ------

The Grade: (Marginal) A
-------------------------------------------------------
That christmas song again: (deja vu of the week)

The Good: ...oh, you want me to talk?... Ok, Um, WHY
THE HELL DID THEY DO THIS AGAIN?!?!?!?

The Bad:Isn't it obvious?

The Rating: F
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Overall: Ok, there I go again over exadurating. I
guess it was one of those shows that was bad, but was
so hip that people would think of it as good.
(Copyright 1996 by Martin Short)

OK, you've been patient long enough, so here it is...
THE 2ND ANNUAL "MID SEASON AWARDS".

These are the best and the most bombed sketches and
shows so far in this season:

1st award: Performer of the year

3rd: Tracy Morgan
2nd: Chris Parnell
1st: JIMMY FALLON

2nd award: "Quit while your ahead" award

3rd: Rachel Dratch
2nd: Chris Kattan
1st: MOLLY SHANNON

3rd award: Sketch of the year

5th: Woodrow the sewer man (10/14/2000)
4th: Laverne & Shirley in japanese (10/14/00)
3rd: Celebrity Jeopardy (12/16/00)
2nd: Crocodile hunter (11/11/00)
AND THE WINNER IS........
1st: Any Weekend update as of right now, Including
that one W/DeNiro in it* (10/00-12/00)

4th award: Bomberman award of the year

5th: Pretty living (12/16/00)
4th: Airport Bar: (10/6/00)
3rd: Old ladies at a bar (11/11/00)
2nd: Corn Chip Nail Tips
AND THE LOSER IS........
1st: The Tom Green "Wedding"* (11/18/00)

5th award: Host of the year

KATE HUDSON

6th award: "...And Don't come back" award

TOM GREEN*
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Ok, I'm done FINALLY! Now I'm going to take some advil
to take care of my carpal tunneled fingers. Have a
Merry and a Happy, and I'll see you when Charlie Sheen
Hopefully has his musical guest picked out.

Merry/Happy Whatever, Buh Bye!!!

(*Thanks to my friends who sent over tapes of the Dana
Carvey and Tom Green shows, you know who you are)


Episode Review written by JK's SNL


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