Katie Holmes / Dave Matthews Band
February 24, 2001

Matt Schroeder's jaw was long and bony, his chin a jutting v under the
more flexible v of his mouth.


We're going to start off this most recent of reviewing fun with a recap
of the recent happenings of "Matt's Totally Meaningless Trivia Game."
One of the three questions that was up for grabs last week is no longer
available. The question: Which came first, Coke or Pepsi? has been
answered. The answer was, of course, Coca-Cola. First place went to
Analisa Johnson, second place to McAvoy Shipp, and third place to
Cameron Archer.

So now the results are as follows:

1 (tie): Jordan Davidson (5 points)
1 (tie): Analisa Johnson (5)
3: Arthur Jenson (4)
4 (tie): John DiMartino (3)
4 (tie): carson (3)
6: McAvoy Shipp (2)
7 (tie): Marcus Baker (1)
7 (tie): Cameron Archer (1)

And don't forget, there are still two questions up for grabs this week:
#1. What is the only Indiana Jones movie that (until recently) did not
have the words "Indiana Jones" in the title?
#2. Outside of "Philadelphia" and "Forrest Gump," how many Best Actor
Oscars has Tom Hanks won?

And as I said last week, Mr. Hanks is up for an Oscar this year, and if
he wins, obviously the answer will be different. Therefore, I urge you
to answer this question before the Oscars.


But now, it's time for the latest installment of "...Of The Weeks."
Once again, the "...Of The Weeks" has been expanded for no particular

Movie of the week: Rocky (not any of those horrid sequels)
"The Critic" quote of the week: "I am not a pig! I'm a human being.
And I have feelings too."
Download of the week: "I Believe" by Blessid Union Of Souls
Traditional anniversary gift of the week: Leather (3rd anniversary)
Soundtrack of the week: "City Of Angels"
Former Southern Rhodesian governor of the week: Sir John Robert
American holiday of the week: Earth Day
Website of the week: www.shockwave.com
Vintage car of the week: 1963 Chevrolet Impala (can be seen at
Enlightenment philosopher of the week: Sebastião José de Carvalho e
Melo, marquês de Pombal
Pizza topping of the week: Anchovies
European capital of the week: Lisbon
Candy bar of the week: Kit Kat
Bond girl of the week: Pussy Galore (from Goldfinger)
Humorous sports nickname of the week: Bernie "Boom-Boom" Geoffrion
Yogi Berra quote of the week: "If you can't imitate him, don't copy
Former U.S. President of the week: John Tyler
Jazz artist of the week: Joe Pass
Bad Tony Curtis film of the week: "Sex On The Run"
"Kids In The Hall" sketch of the week: Humanoids For Humanism
Asian nation of the week: Kazakhstan
Unusual college mascot of the week: Rajin' Cajuns (University of
Broadway play of the week: Les Miserables
North Carolina radio station of the week: WEND 106.5
Dam of the week: Grand Coulee Dam
Obscure album title of the week: "Verities And Balderdash" (Harry
Salt of the week: Calcium phosphate
Shade of green of the week: Lime
British university of the week: Kingston University (in Kingston upon
Bird of the week: White-headed woodpecker
Number which, when entered into a calculator and turned upside down,
becomes a word of the week: 5773857734
Non-offensive four-letter word of the week: Reap
Swiss American Football Federation team of the week: Bern Grizzlies
Newspaper of the week: Charlotte Observer
Foreign language of the week: Haryanvi (spoken primarily in India)
Branch of medicine of the week: Ophthalmology





And now, it's time once again for "On Today's Date In History."

February 24, 1786 - Wilhelm Karl Grimm, one half of the famous Grimm's
Fairy Tales, is born.
February 24, 1815 - Steamboat pioneer Robert Fulton dies.
February 24, 1821 - Mexico gains its independence from the tyrannical
nation of Spain.
February 24, 1836 - Winslow Homer, famous American painter, is born.
February 24, 1839 - William Otis patents the steam shovel.
February 24, 1848 - King Louis-Phillipe abdicates the French throne.
The Second French Republic is declared and Napoleon III is elected
February 24, 1857 - The first perforated United States postage stamps
are delivered to the government.
February 24, 1868 - The first parade in the United States with floats
takes place in Mobile, Alabama.
February 24, 1868 - The House of Representatives votes 126 to 47 to
impeach President Andrew Jackson.
February 24, 1874 - One of the greatest shortstops ever, Honus Wagner,
is born.
February 24, 1917 - The German plan to get Mexican help in World War I,
also known as the Zimmerman telegram, is exposed.
February 24, 1921 - Abe Vigoda, who is currently dead, is born.
February 24, 1924 - Johnny Weissmuller sets a new record in the
100-meter freestyle, 57.4 seconds.
February 24, 1942 - Joe Lieberman, yes that Joe Lieberman, is born.
February 24, 1947 - Edward James Olmos is born.
February 24, 1955 - Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple Computers (the
greatest computer company ever), is born.
February 24, 1956 - Eddie Murray, first baseman for the Orioles,
Dodgers, Indians, and a bazillion other teams, is born.
February 24, 1956 - Paula Zahn is born.
February 24, 1964 - Cassius Clay defeats Sonny Liston for the
heavyweight boxing title.
February 24, 1965 - The Beatles begin filming "Help" in the Bahamas.
February 24, 1972 - Manon Rheaume, the first woman in the NHL, is born.
February 24, 1973 - Alexei Kovalev is born.
February 24, 1973 - Oscar de la Hoya is born.
February 24, 1980 - The U.S. Olympic hockey team defeats Finland 4-2 to
win the gold medal.
February 24, 1983 - Tennessee Williams, famous playwright, dies at the
ripe old age of 71.
February 24, 1987 - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar scores his 36,000th NBA point.
February 24, 1989 - The Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini offers a one to
three million dollar bounty on Salman Rushdie's death due to Rushdie's
novel, "The Satanic Verses."
February 24, 1993 - Eric Clapton wins big at the 35th Annual Grammy
February 24, 1994 - Dinah Shore dies of cancer at the age of 76.
February 24, 1998 - Elton John becomes Sir Elton John. That means that
he was knighted.

Whoo doggy! That was fun.





Nothing to say this week. I guess that means that it's time to start
the review.

Host: Katie Holmes

I can honestly say that I know nothing about Ms. Holmes. I have never
watched the show that she is (apparently) on, "Dawson's Creek." I have
never seen any of her movies, and the first time I had ever seen her
was during the SNL ad that ran this week. Can't really say anything
about her.

Musical Guest: Dave Matthews Band

Now here's something that I can say something about. These five guys
(Dave Matthews, Boyd Tinsley, Carter Beauford, Leroi Moore, and Stefan
Lessard) are the greatest band around today. You can have your U2 or
your Radiohead, but I'll take Dave Matthews Band any day. I love these
guys and have been hoping that they'd be back on the show after a
five-year hiatus. Hoorah.

Now without any further ado, I give you...

The Review of the Katie Holmes/Dave Matthews Band Episode!





Sketch: A Message from former President Bill Clinton and the rest of
the Clinton family

Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton, Ana Gasteyer as Hillary Rodham
Clinton, Chris Parnell as Roger Clinton, Horatio Sanz as Hugh Rodham

Memorable quotes:
"That table's from the White House." by Darrell Hammond
"Because they make good steak." by Darrell Hammond

Notes on the sketch:
Well, I must say that I was happy to see Darrell bring back his Clinton
impression. Side note: as I was writing out the above character list,
I almost typed "Bill Clinton as Bill Clinton." What does that tell you
about SNL's use of Hammond if I think of him and Clinton synonymously.
At least with other cast members I think of a few characters. Not so
with Darrell. Anyway, I'd never actually seen pictures of Roger
Clinton and Hugh Rodham, so I can only assume that Parnell and Sanz
were accurate picks. More on that later. One surprise came from
seeing Ana Gasteyer laughing. As far as I can recall, I've never seen
her laugh like she did here. But may I say that the political openers
must stop now.

Sketch grade: B+ (At least it wasn't another Dubya sketch.)

Monologue: Katie Holmes

Katie Holmes and Will Ferrell as themselves

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
I'm kinda wondering why Katie's dress strap was all messed up, but
since it wasn't ever important... Also, did anyone notice that Will
called his shoes "Brogans?" Rather similar to his sketches with Ted
Brogan... Kudos to Katie for actually tap dancing, and kudos to Will
for being so blatantly fake. I'd be curious to know just how many
people caught that Savion Glover reference? Well okay, it was rather
hard to miss it, but I guess what I meant was: does anyone out there
know who Savion Glover is? Well fortunately, Savion Glover has joined
me to comment on the remaining sketches. Savion, what did you think of

Savion Glover: Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

Well said. I would have to agree and give this a...

Sketch grade: D+...wait...C+ (At first I was pissed because I didn't
laugh but then I remembered that SNL *is* a variety show, so I felt
obligated to raise it. I'm still pissed that I didn't laugh though.)

Sketch: Mr. Peepers invades Dawson's Creek

Jimmy Fallon as Dawson, Chris Parnell as Pacey, Katie Holmes as Joey,
Chris Kattan as Mr. Peepers, Horatio Sanz as another inhabitant of the

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
As I said, I've never seen "Dawson's Creek," so any of the humor that
was DC-related went right over my head. However, I always enjoy seeing
Mr. Peepers, and the scene where he tried to revive Katie's character
was abso-f***ing-lutely hilarious, especially when he started humping

Sketch grade: B+ (I've never taken a whole bottle's worth of pills,
but I don't think that if I did, I would drop unconscious only seconds
after taking them.)

Sketch: KWLA's Special Report

Maya Rudolph as Maria Escobal, Katie Holmes as Drew Barrymore, Jimmy
Fallon as Tom Green

Memorable quotes:
"He makes David Arqette look like a genius" by Flossy the dog

Notes on the sketch:
Yes, Jimmy Fallon did the Tom Green impression perfectly, but then this
sketch was based around his impression of Green. As such, the whole
sketch pretty much rode on whether or not Jimmy could do the
impression. Here for further comment on the Tom Green impression is
Tom Green himself. Mr. Green?

Tom Green: Doggy, doggy, doggy...
Savion Glover: Tap, tap, tap.
Tom Green: Ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky, duck, duck, duck...
Savion Glover: Tap, tap, tap.

Once again, there's no arguing with that kind of logic.

Sketch grade: B+ (Now if only SNL would parody "Jackass"...)

Cartoon: Backstreet Boys

Memorable quotes:
"Thank you for your sucking, boys." by the victim
"I'm an accepted member of the music community." "No he's not." by John
Tesh and Paul Simon

Notes on the cartoon:
Well it was about time someone went on a major form of the media and
said this. Kudos to Robert Smigel for saying this, as well as for
making that sad final comment about America lapping up their sucking.

Cartoon grade: A+ (Although if you think about it, the title of this
sketch could have been *NSYNC, 98°, Five, LFO...)

Sketch: When Lovers Attack

Will Ferrell as a professor, Rachel Dratch as the professor's lover,
Katie Holmes as Gail, Jimmy Fallon as Gail's husband

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
You know, some one-joke sketches are good (the Schweddy Balls Delicious
Dish sketch springs to mind), and some aren't good at all (this sketch
springs to mind). What is the difference between the two? With the
Schweddy Balls sketch, the one joke was funny. The lover joke in this
sketch was not. This was like a bad dream, but sadly I have a bad
feeling that it's going to be a recurring bad dream.

Sketch grade: F (Unhappily, this was only the beginning of the bad

Musical Guest: Dave Matthews Band
Song: "I Did It" from the album "Everyday"

Song notes:
And the Lord is good. You know, these guys are the #1 touring band in
America because of their tendency to improvise on the spot. Therefore,
when you see DMB on television, you never get to see their
improvisational skills. I would have really liked it if they had
busted out with a big improvised solo at the end, but to no avail.
Great song anyway. Definitely a great pick-me-up from the lovers
sketch. Before I finish this off, it's time for everyone's favorite
game: Know Your DMB Member.

Dave Matthews: Dave is the guitar player who also handles the lead
Boyd Tinsley: Boyd is the violin player who for some reason didn't
play the violin aside from a few plucked strings. Boyd also had a few
good lines in the third verse of the song.
Leroi Moore: Leroi is the alto saxophone player who also plays soprano
sax, tenor sax, baritone sax, flute, and any kind of whistle you can
imagine. The guy's cool like that.
Stefan Lessard: Pronounced stuh-FAHN luh-SARD, he's the bass player
whose sole role appears to be to play the bass and to bend his knees in
time with the music.
Carter Beauford: The elder member of the group at 40-something, Carter
handles the drums.

Song grade: A+ (Like I would give my boys anything less?)

Weekend Update: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

Memorable quotes:

Notes on Weekend Update:
Well, as I said earlier, I had never seen pictures of Roger Clinton or
Hugh Rodham, but seeing pictures of them here confirmed my assumption
that Parnell and Sanz were good picks for playing them. Maybe it was
me, but a lot of the jokes tonight were reminiscent of the first couple
WU's of the year, and that ain't good. I say that because of: Jimmy's
comment about the Unimog, Tina's "Women's News," Jimmy's card trick,
and Tina's joke about the jilted lover. However, the jokes about the
Kennedys, the Singing A-Holes, and the Dukes of Hazzard did get some
good laughs out of me, so it wasn't all bad. But back to Jimmy's
comment about the Unimog. Unimog isn't German for "one mog," (and I'm
not language scholar here) but wouldn't it be Latin for "one mog"?
Think about THAT the next time you're high. Back to the actual Update
though, Jimmy was able to prove to me once again that he has no place
on Update. Tina however deserves to do it solo. As for the closing
bit, it wasn't that bad, but Horatio really needs to do a better job of
at least looking like he's playing the piano.

Weekend Update grade: C- (Like I said, too much like the beginning of
the season.)

Sketch: Jarret's Room

Jimmy Fallon as Jarret, Horatio Sanz as Goby, Katie Holmes as Amber,
Chris Parnell as Daniel

Memorable quotes:
"It's hard enough going to SCHOOL ON DRUGS!" by Horatio Sanz
"Let's just say, hypothetically, that I cracked open one of my glow
sticks and smoked it." by Horatio Sanz

Notes on the sketch:
Once again, Horatio stole this sketch. Not much else to say about this
sketch except that it was basically the same results as last time:
Jarret, Daniel, and Jarret's romantic interest were all insipid
characters while Goby was awesome. Wouldn't you agree, Tom and Savion?

Tom Green: Get the poo off my bum! Get the poo off my...
Savion Glover: Tap, tap, tap, tap...

I tell you, those two should be critics in their own right.

Sketch grade: C- (Like I said, saved only by Horatio.)

Sketch: Tough As Nails

Chris Kattan as a stagehand, Chris Parnell as Richard, Katie Holmes as
Carol, Will Ferrell as Rod, Tracy Morgan as another actor

Memorable quotes:
"Not bad, I think I got one more in me." by Will Ferrell
"That was hurtin' ME!" by Tracy Morgan

Notes on the sketch:
Now what was it I was saying about one-joke sketches? Well, this one
falls under the funny one-joke sketch category. Will's facial and
verbal expressions were priceless. This one probably deserved to be on
earlier in the show. Why was it buried amidst the rest of this trash?

Sketch grade: A

Musical Guest: Dave Matthews Band
Song: "The Space Between" from the album "Everyday"

Song notes:
Well, Boyd finally got to play his violin along with the band tonight.
Now frankly, I'm not a huge fan of DMB's slow ballads ("Let You Down,"
"Spoon," and "Lover Lay Down" immediately spring to mind). But then,
some of their best songs are slow ballads ("Crush," "Typical
Situation," and "Cry Freedom" immediately spring to mind). I'd never
heard this song before, and I'm glad they did it here. It's a really
pretty song, and it's making me really look forward to buying the album
on Tuesday (along with Steely Dan's "Two Against Nature." Hey, it won
Album of the Year, so it must at least be pretty decent.).

Song grade: A+ (Like I would give my boys anything less?)

Sketch: Passive Aggressive Pam

Chris Kattan and Maya Rudolph as company employees, Jerry Minor as Ken,
Katie Holmes as Lana, Ana Gasteyer as Passive Aggressive Pam, Will
Ferrell, Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, and Jimmy Fallon as barbershop
quartet singers

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
The audience was pretty silent throughout this sketch, and rightfully
so. This sketch just seemed like filler. Nothing positive to comment
about, because there wasn't anything positive about the sketch.
Wouldn't you agree, Tom and Savion?

Tom Green: It's milking time, it's milking time. It's milking time...
Savion Glover: Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

You know, that's the first thing you two have said all night that
didn't make any sense. Begone!

Sketch grade: F (At least they tried to be funny. Sadly though, they

Sketch: Get Off The Boat!

Katie Holmes as a cruise announcer, Chris Parnell as Connor, Maya
Rudolph as Lailani

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
Once again, the audience was pretty dead throughout the sketch. Much
like me. Once again, SNL just dragged out a sketch that was pretty
much just filler.

Sketch grade: F (This show peaked early.)

Once again, they got cut off. And considering how close they were to
finishing it off, you have to wonder why.

Overall sketch grade: C (Three weeks in a row must have had their
toll on the writers.)
Overall song grade: A+ (Like I would give my boys anything less?)
Overall show grade: C+ (A surprisingly high grade.)

Best sketches of the night: Backstreet Boys, Tough As Nails
Worst sketches of the night: When Lovers Attack, Passive Aggressive
Pam, Get Off The Boat!
Best player: Horatio Sanz
Worst player: Rachel Dratch (Amazing how presence in one terrible
sketch can elevate a person to this prized award.)

And once again, Saturday Night Live has been bitten by the three-week
bug. First it was the Dana Carvey episode, then the Tom Green episode,
now this. True, this episode wasn't terrible, per se. However, it was
too much of a let-down after last week. LIke much of the rest of this
season, this episode was simply adequate. Nothing special, but not
terribly awful. Well, in two weeks the host will be Conan O'Brien,
while Don Henley does the whole musical quest bit. I know that if my
mom were one to stay up that late, she'd love seeing Henley do "Taking
You Home," but that song couldn't be any more adult contemporary unless
it was sung by Richard Marx. Frankly, I'm not looking forward to the
March 10 episode, considering that I'm not a huge Conan O'Brien fan and
Henley's best years are behind him. Oh well. That debate will be
lodged in two weeks. So until then, this is Matt Schroeder saying that
when a problem comes along, you must whip it.

Episode Review written by Matt Schroeder

BACK to Katie Holmes "SNL" Episode Reviews