Tom Green / David Gray
November 18, 2000

The cold passed reluctantly from the earth, and the retiring fogs
revealed Matt Schroeder stretched out on the hills, resting.

The sixth episode of Saturday Night Live. It's 11:30. Do you know
where your children are?

I would like to begin this review by responding to an e-mail I received
recently from a fellow named I would love to post
his/her name here, but apparently does not have the
courage to do so, so I will refer to him/her as
In response to his/her e-mail in which he/she wrote me, "You really
should lay off of the political stuff, it really lessens the quality of
the review," I would like to say, "I don't give a rat's ass." And so
tonight's political commentary has been brought to you by Thank you,, for being so
generous in providing for this commentary.

Am I the only one out there who just doesn't care about this whole
election thing anymore? I mean, when the election returns were coming
in, I was glued to the TV, so to speak. Now I'm hearing about
deadlines and more hand recounts and I'm just thinking, "I don't care."
Yeah, imagine that! I don't care about the election! Bush is probably
going to win and make America a laughingstock, but four years from now
the Democrats are going to have some candidate with the charisma of
Ricky Martin, the charm of a Cary Grant, and the political know-how of,
well, Al Gore. George W. Bush will lose in a landslide because the
country will have fallen into disrepair, and the world will be made
right once again by a Democratic victory.

I've got nothing else. I can't think of anything else to say. So for
this time,, you win. I'll come up with more for
next week.

Once again, this political commentary has been brought to you by

As I said last week, the Washington State Cougar football team took on
the University of Washington today. And as Mario Lanza predicted, we
got beat like a red-headed stepchild, so to speak. Now, we all know
that Jordan's school beat up on many of their opponents, but I don't
think that any of them even compare to the 51-3 thrashing my Cougars
took earlier today. If there is any consolation that can be taken from
this, it is that Washington State extended their streak. What streak,
you might ask? The WSU football Cougars have scored in every football
game they have played in since 1984, when Ohio State beat us 44-0.
True, we have had our share of drubbings (from both sides of the coin),
and we have barely managed to keep that streak alive, but the streak IS
alive. Pretty amazing, when you think about it.

Tomorrow, the New Orleans Saints take on the Oakland Raiders. Problem:
Ricky Williams is out for the rest of the regular season with a broken
ankle. Solution: I don't know if we have one. We'll see.

Now it's time for "On Today's Date In History". The date: November
18. Here's what happened...

November 18, 1307 - William Tell shoots an apple off of his son's head,
starting the infamous legend, and thus providing the theme song for
"The Lone Ranger"
November 18, 1786 - Karl Maria Friedrich Ernst Von Weber is born. Just
how much of a man could he possibly be with a name like Maria?
November 18, 1787 - Sojourner Truth is born.
November 18, 1796 - Catherine II (Catherine the Great) of Russia dies.
Legend holds that she died while "riding" a horse.
November 18, 1805 - Lewis & Clark reach the Pacific Ocean, making them
the first Americans to cross the continent. When they arrived, they
were disappointed to find Sammy Sosa holding a Pepsi Challenge there.
November 18, 1820 - Antarctica is discovered by Captain Nathaniel B.
November 18, 1865 - Mark Twain publishes the short story "The
Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County".
November 18, 1886 - Chester Arthur, the 21st President of the U.S.,
November 18, 1894 - The first comic strip, "Origin of a New Species" by
Richard Outcault, premieres.
November 18, 1901 - A recent Gallup Poll showed that George Gallup was
born on this day.
November 18, 1905 - Prince Carl of Denmark becomes King Haakon VII of
Norway. And you thought women who changed their name for marriage had
it tough.
November 18, 1920 - The Apollo Theater opens in New York City.
November 18, 1923 - Alan B. Shepard, the first American in space, is
November 18, 1928 - Mickey Mouse makes his debut in "Steamboat Willie".
November 18, 1942 - Linda Evans, of "Dynasty" fame, is born.
November 18, 1948 - Jack Tatum, former Raider defensive back, is born.
November 18, 1953 - Kevin Nealon is born.
November 18, 1956 - Sinbad and Warren Moon are born.
November 18, 1961 - John F. Kennedy sends 18,000 military advisors to
South Vietnam.
November 18, 1962 - Jamie Moyer is born.
November 18, 1963 - Dante Bichette is born.
November 18, 1964 - Seth Joyner is born.
November 18, 1967 - Tom Gordon, relief pitcher extraordinaire, is born.
November 18, 1968 - Gary Sheffield is born.
November 18, 1969 - Raghib "Rocket" Ismail and Sam Cassell are born.
November 18, 1978 - Jim Jones and over 900 of his followers commit mass
suicide in Jonestown, Guyana.
November 18, 1992 - "Malcolm X", a Spike Lee joint, premieres in the
United States.
November 18, 1993 - Eddie Vedder, lead singer for Pearl Jam, is
arrested for public drunkenness.
November 18, 1994 - Cab Calloway dies.
November 18, 1997 - The Arizona Diamondbacks and the Tampa Bay Devil
Rays hold their expansion draft.

Ooh, that was fun.

Now up is a new feature in my review. I call it "Matt's Totally
Meaningless Trivia Game." Sorry, I'll work on a new name. Anyway,
here's how it works. I'll put down a trivia question in my review, and
you send me an e-mail with the correct response. Your e-mail must
contain your name (or a nickname of some sort). Also, it would be
preferred that you put "Trivia Game" in the subject area of the e-mail.
Thank you. I will only accept e-mails received within one week of the
episode I'm reviewing. For example, for this episode, I will not
accept any e-mails after November 25, 2000. The first person to get
the question right will get three points, second place gets two, third
place gets one. I will keep a running tally of the score and the
winner at the end of the season will win a fabulous prize. But I
digress. Here's this week's trivia question.

Q. Who is the only musical artist/group ever to win two consecutive
Grammys for "Record Of The Year"?

I'll be looking forward to hearing your answers.

But I have spent much too much time on my intro, and now I must move on
to the actual reviewing bit of the review.

Host: Tom Green

What hasn't been said about this man? His television show, The Tom
Green Show (probably named by the same people that named the Dave
Matthews Band, the Newhart show, etc.), has been an underground hit on
MTV, and I personally find him hilarious at times. However, his brand
of humor does not exactly seem like a good fit for Saturday Night Live.
This should prove to be a VERY interesting episode.

Musical Guest: David Gray

The album, "White Ladder", as I said last week, is the greatest album
you could possibly ever purchase. The man writes lyrics like no other,
and his music has personally touched me deeply (no, it didn't touch me
there). Hopefully, this appearance will introduce him to a wide
American (and Canadian, right Jordan and Mark?) audience. He'll
definitely do two songs, and the first will without a doubt be "Babylon
II", the song you hear on the radio. But what will the second be?
"Please Forgive Me"? "My Oh My"? Or something else?

So without any further ado (and believe me, there will be even less ado
than last week), I give you...

The Review of the Tom Green/David Gray Episode!



Sketch: Battle for the White House

Chris Parnell as Tom Brokaw, Will Ferrell as George W. Bush, Darrell
Hammond as Al Gore

Memorable quotes:
"A process rife with fraud and Democratic voodoo mind reading" by Will

Notes on the sketch:
- Hmm. The opening - what with all the breaking news, and then
breaking the breaking news with breaking news - was worth a chuckle or
- rife: frequently or commonly occurring; widespread; prevalent;
current. Saturday Night Live is, once again, improving the vocabulary
of America one episode at a time.
- Yeah, this is quite a tragedy all right that we haven't gotten all
the votes counted yet. Heaven forbid a hand count actually occur.
- You know, George W. Bush probably doesn't need a disputed election to
wet the bed.
- Something tells me that, despite Will's emphasis of the word
"tempted", George W. has been hitting the bottle pretty hard in the
past couple weeks.
- Bazooka Joe is probably about the right intelligence level for George
W. But I guess that was why they had the joke.
- That song the Will was referring to is entitled "That Smell" by
Lynyrd Skynyrd.
- Victoriant. Ha!
- You know, one of those Florida Supreme Court Justices looked
strikingly like Hugh Fink...
- Off the cuff? Spur of the moment? Al Gore couldn't do something off
the cuff or spur of the moment if his life depended on it.
- When Gore and Bush were bobbing in and out while singing that song, I
was afraid that they were going to kiss.

Sketch grade: B- (Not a very creative concept, but got some good
laughs out of it.)

Notes on the credits: A cartoon? Does that little image of Ace and
Gary mean that the Ambiguously Gay Duo is going to be on? Hope so.

Monologue: Tom Green

Tom Green, Richard Green, Mary Jane Green, & Drew Barrymore as

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- That's typical Tom: rubbing peoples' heads, running around, etc.
- Why was that guy yelling "Hallelujah" when Tom rubbed his face?
- Good to see Tom's parents again.
- But disgusting to see Tom try to make out with his dad.
- And there's his uglyée.
- My roommate was saying the other day that Drew Barrymore is hot. I
had to explain to him that Tom Green doesn't even think she's hot.
He's just marrying her for the publicity.
- Come on, don't insult our intelligence, Tom. We knew that it was a
sketch. We could see you reading from a cue card.
- How dare he upstage David Gray with a marriage!

Sketch grade: D- (Had Drew not been in it, it would have gone way

Commercial: Magic Mouth

Memorable quotes:
None this time around

Notes on the sketch:
- Repeating this one so early in the season? Come on, SNL. Where's
that cutting edge comedy that you're known for?
- See my notes from the Dana Carvey episode (October 21).

Sketch grade: B (Same grade, but one grade lower because it's a

Sketch: Eagles

Jimmy Fallon as Steve, Molly Shannon as Brenda, Tom Green and Will
Ferrell as bald eagles

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- What's with Jimmy's goofy backwoods Southern accent?
- Error: Will's costume came undone in the back while he was actually
- When I first saw Tom go up the ladder, I thought that he was
improvising right there on the spot. After watching the sketch though,
I guess it wasn't impromptu.
- Once again, typical Tom, licking/eating hair.
- Interesting that no one in the audience wanted to "help the momma
eagle find the baby eagle".
- Maybe it's just me, but Will doesn't exactly seem like a motherly
- Nice Mr. Peepers touch, spitting carrots all over.
- Nooo... Please, SNL writers, don't give us any more tongue action
from Will. We saw him do it last week in the commercial, and that was

Sketch grade: A (First sketch in a while that the main characters
were animals. Clever idea.)

Sketch: Rap Street

Jerry Minor as Grandmaster Rap, Horatio Sanz as Kid Shazaam, Tom Green
as MC Kevin Gustavson, Maya Rudolph as Kevin's backup singer

Memorable quotes:
"fellatio" by Jerry Minor (pronounced fell-ay-tee-oh)
"Maybe you should put some on" by Horatio Sanz (referring to Lil' Kim
putting on undies)

Notes on the sketch:
- Oh boy. These guys were just fine as WU correspondents. The SNL
writers didn't need to turn them into a recurring character.
- Well, at least this will give Minor a reason for returning. Now he's
got a recurring character. And this, I guess, could be considered
Horatio's first recurring character. Calling Jasper Hahn a recurring
character would be like calling Kevin Brennan a recurring character.
- That song by Lil' Kim that they are referring to (in case you didn't
know) is called "How Many Licks". It's a song about cunnilingus, and
it doesn't exactly mince words.
- Notice that in every single one of their raps (and actually it's more
like every other line) they say "rip rop rippedy doo".
- Notice how with this recurring character, the main characters are
both persons of color. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the "Pimp
Chat" of the 2000-2001 year.
- Tom's song sounds a lot like "The Bum Bum Song (Lonely Swedish)". He
just repeats the same phrase over and over.
- Ottawa: truly a rap hotbed.

Sketch grade: D+ (Basically the same thing as when they were on WU at
the beginning of the season.)

Sketch: Lorne And Tom In A Tub

Lorne Michaels & Tom Green as themselves

Memorable quotes:
If you can somehow get a transcript of Tom's "line", that would be it.

Notes on the sketch:
- Once again, typical Tom.
- This was hilarious.
- By my count, Tom had about eleven seconds to get out of his Kevin
Gustavson suit and get in the tub. And it looked as though it was
live. You could see that Tom had a bare chest, and you could see his
bare knee poking out through the bubbles, so he had to get off at least
his pants, jacket, and shirt. How did he do it. That's amazing.
- Like I said before, if anyone can get a transcript of Tom's "line",
send it to me.

Sketch grade: B- (Short, but it wouldn't have worked if it was any
longer. Very humorous.)

Sketch: Hardball with Chris Matthews

Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews, Chris Parnell as William Daley, Ana
Gasteyer as Katherine Harris

Memorable quotes:
"Excuse me one second, I'm going to raise the volume of my voice" by
Darrell Hammond
"Although I do admire your interrupting and yelling" by Darrell Hammond

Sketch notes:
- cronyism: a partiality to cronies as evidenced in the appointment of
political hangers-on to office without regard to their qualifications.
Saturday Night Live is, once again, improving America's vocabulary one
episode at a time
- Good Lord, Katherine is ugly.
- Nothing against Ana, she a very pretty woman, but she plays ugly
women very well.
- Now let's see, she wants to be an ambassador to a country that has
nice clothing and speaks English. Now, the U.S. could never send her
to Britain; the U.K. is too much of an ally to do that to. So that
means it's either Canada or Australia. Which shall it be? This
question is directed to Adam Grunstein, Jordan Davidson, and Mark
Polishuk. Which country should we send Katherine Harris to?

Sketch grade: B+ (Good impression of both Matthews and Daley. Funny

Cartoon: Fun With Real Audio (Sex In The Country)

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the cartoon:
- This was absolutely disgusting.
- Hey kids, when was the last time you laughed at bestiality? Yeah,
it's not a funny subject. Just perverted.
- Totally despicable.

Cartoon grade: F (I need to go to the doctor and have that part of my
brain that remembers this cartoon removed.)

Sketch: Dog Show

Molly Shannon as Miss Colleen, Will Ferrell as David Larry, Tom Green
as Gene Abernathy Reynolds

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- Mr. Bojangles looks like he has more drugs in his system than Rick
- Maybe it's just me, but Miss Colleen and David Larry seemed more like
real people this time around, especially when Molly had her "gay" line.
Of course, after that little back-and-forth, they went back into their
usual weird Dog Show selves.
- Personally, this is a sketch that I've always liked, in some weird,
strange way. This time around, it just seemed like it was really
- Funny when they couldn't get the pig to shut up.
- What was with the band aid on the back of Tom's hand? You could see
it when he was holding the pig.
- This makes the second time tonight that Tom was holding a pig. The
first was in the monologue when he was with Drew.
- Mr. Bojangles was the only one who didn't seem to understand the
pig's behavior. Rocky Balboa was simply going along with it.
- Inquiring minds want to know: what is a level nine wizard?
- Here is a little snippet of what my mom said to me during this
My mom: That pig isn't making that squealing noise.
Me: Why do you say that?
My mom: It's mouth isn't open.
Food for thought.
- You know, if you think about it, Dog Show was the only real recurring
sketch that would fit with Tom. It's too bad that he got a Dog Show
that wasn't very funny.

Sketch grade: F (I have a feeling that I'm being pretty generous.)

Weekend Update: Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

Memorable quotes:
"In a Time Magazine article, Barbara Bush was quoted as saying 'I was
the mother of a president for thirty minutes. I loved it.' This came
as new information to many who thought she'd been the mother of a
president for four years." by Tina Fey

- Chaotic? Hand counts aren't chaotic. Funny joke though.
- And SNL's streak of jokes about Dubya executing people continues.
- Imagine my surprise to find out that Catherine Zeta-Jones is actually
Welsh. And I always thought that she was Latina. Funny joke anyway.
- Fiber One restrooms. Ha!
- Let's see...that Talent showcase wasn't at all funny. I know it was
supposed to be not funny, but in this case, it was unnecessary. Don't
get me started on it.
- Funny jokes about Vietnam, Barbara Bush, and Katherine Harris.
- What was with the whooshes during Jimmy Gossip's segment?
- You know, if you think about it, that whole bit with Gwyneth Paltrow
was really sad, considering that, within five years, she will be
Gwyneth Schroeder.
- Jimmy needs to think up new pet names for his girlfriends. He called
Gwyneth "cutie" at least three times.
- And he bombed the Tripp joke.
- Pretty tasteless Michael Jackson joke, but in my book, it's always
good to make fun of the King of Pop.

Weekend Update grade: B- (Nothing spectacular about it, but good

Musical Guest: David Gray
Song: "Babylon" from the album "White Ladder"

- This is absolutely beautiful.
- Okay, I thought that he was going to do "Babylon II", since that's
what they play on the radio. What is the difference between the two
versions, you might ask? "Babylon II" goes verse 1, chorus, verse 2,
chorus. "Babylon" goes verse 1, verse 2, chorus, verse 3, chorus.
- I have never been reduced to tears by a song before, but this one
actually did.
- That was beautiful.
- By the way, that drummer's shirt was louder than a Who concert.
- Please buy this CD. It's worth every penny.

Song grade: A+ (I don't think I could possibly say anything negative
about this song.)

Sketch: Oprah

Maya Rudolph as Oprah Winfrey, Will Ferrell as Dr. Phil McGraw, Ana
Gasteyer as Dara, Tom Green as Ken

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- Whoa, that is upset, if she doesn't want his hand on her knee.
- What did he do wrong?
- You know, Tom actually seems like a human in this sketch.
- That's it?
- I'm siding with Ken on this one.
- Ken was the only person in there that had a mind. Everyone else was
totally mindless.
- Dr. Phil just doesn't get it.

Sketch grade: F (Using last week's criteria of no laugh=F, this gets
an F.)

Sketch: VH1 Storytellers - Air Supply

Will Ferrell as Graham Russell, Chris Kattan as Russell Hitchcock

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- My parents love Air Supply. In fact, they went up to Silver Mountain
a few years ago on their wedding anniversary to see a concert that Air
Supply gave.
- This make three man-man kisses and an entire sketch devoted to
bestiality. This is starting to turn into Saturday Night Fetishes.
- By the way, that song that they were singing used the same music as
the song "All Out Of Love".

Sketch grade: F (No laugh=F.)

Sketch: Rock Around The Clock

Tom Green and Will Ferrell as themselves, presumably

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- What was the purpose of that sketch? Where was the humor? This
sketch had neither.

Sketch grade: F (Once again, no laugh=F. You're running out of time
to bring back David Gray.)

Goodbyes: Tom Gets Married

Memorable quotes:

Notes on the sketch:
- This is the goodbyes, but it's kind of a sketch, so I'm grading this
one also.
- This would have been a lot better had Tom's parents not been grinning
as though they knew all along that Drew wasn't coming out.
- The outcome was pretty predictable also.

Sketch grade: F (Lord, I don't believe this.)

Overall sketch grade: D+ (I can't believe that I gave it five F's and
it still gets this good of a grade.)
Overall song grade: A+ (Absolute perfection from Mr. Gray. Can you
say "diamond in the rough"?)
Overall show grade: C- (My gut's telling me that this should be a lot

Best sketches of the night: Eagles, Hardball with Chris Matthews
Worst sketches of the night: Fun With Real Audio (Sex In The Country),
Dog Show, Oprah, VH1 Storytellers - Air Supply, Rock Around The Clock,
Tom Gets Married
Best player: Darrell Hammond
Worst player: Will Ferrell

I've seen quite a few episodes of Saturday Night Live before, and this
could be the worst I have ever seen. I really do think that Tom did a
good job of hosting, in fact he was probably one of the best hosts so
far this year. However, he was bitten by too many poorly written
sketches. David Gray more than lived up to my expectations, but (and
I'm drawing back to Mark Polishuk's 1998-1999 reviews here) I was able
to put a mike in his dressing room. Here's a brief transcript of what
was recorded...


So I guess that all that's left is to wait for the next live episode to
come out in two weeks when Val Kilmer (remember him, kids?) and U2 take
the stage. So until then, I'll see you later!

Episode Review written by Matt Schroeder

BACK to Tom Green "SNL" Episode Reviews