Tom Green / David Gray
November 18, 2000

The end of my 41-episode reviewing streak has put me into a reflective mood.
It has made me reconsider the SNL on-line universe, and my position in it.
Well, my position isn't hard to figure out; I'm usually between Matt P and
Robert Price, about halfway down the review page at
But, as for the universe, my point is this: how often do we take the page
for granted, just mailing our reviews away without ever giving a care
towards Sean Bradley and his miraculous web-masterin'? Whenever Sean is off
rocking his schoolhouse (or something of that ilk, I wasn't really paying
attention), all we do is complain about why the page hasn't been updated.
FOR SHAME! As a result, I feel that tributes need to be paid towards our
beloved SNL page, in a new semi-regular segment called...BITING THE HAND

One of the many features that makes such a
rip-snortin' good website is the pictures that Sean has on the main page.
By hook or by crook, he's managed to get a shot of himself with nearly every
SNL cast member of the past few years. I decided to really examine these
photos to see what was really going on. If you pretend to put these
captions underneath the photos, it's almost like reading The Far Side
(except not as funny).

Jim Downey: In addition to producing SNL, Jim Downey is also a Keebler elf.

Rachel Dratch: I think that's actually Chris Kattan dressed as Rachel Dratch

Jimmy Fallon: The minute after this photo was taken, Jimmy puked all over
Sean's shoes

Will Ferrell: Despite his best efforts, Will didn't win the Justin
Timberlake look-a-like contest.

Tina Fey/Michael Shoemaker: "Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate you
going out with me and all. It's just...what's with the chaperone?" "Oh,
Mike just likes to watch."

Al Franken: "What's the release date for Stuart Saves His Family II?"
"Shut up, kid."

Darrell Hammond: Sean was shocked to realize that, thanks to a high school
football injury, Darrell was really only a floating head.

Chris Kattan: "Hey, look, it's Chris Kattan! Right there, see him?! That's
Chris Kattan, right beside me! Right here on my left, Chris Kattan!"

Tim Meadows: "So, have you started that Michael Richards Show
homepage yet?" "Uh, I'll get right on it."

Lorne Michaels: "Say, do you know anything about this kid who keeps calling
my house and begging to be on the show? His name is Polish, Pollack, or
something...he says he writes for your webpage." "Never heard of him."

Tracy Morgan: Lean on me/When you're not strong/And I'll be your friend/I'll
help you carry on...

Conan O' Brien: "Replacing Andy Richter, let me introduce..."

Cheri Oteri: Cheri didn't want a picture taken; it was late and she was
tired. But she had one weakness...water. Her doctors told her to cut back,
but nothing freed her from the pressures of show business like a good hit of
H2O. Sean took advantage of this addiction, using her like he uses the rest
of his Evian junkies. The real reason behind Cheri's departure from the
show is that she is currently in rehab at the Betty Ford Clinic. Get well
soon, Cheri.

Chris Parnell: "I'm shorter than a 17-year-old? Damn."

Horatio Sanz: Sean is chillin' with the Notorious S.A.N.Z.

Molly Shannon: Even during a simple photo shoot, Molly has a hard time not
breaking character

Robert Smiegel: The best way to piss off Robert Smiegel is to ask him if he
like-a de juice.

The question on the lips of every SNL fan over the past month has been: What
happened to Mark's Charlize Theron review? Oh wait, sorry...the question
has been what the hell is Tom Green going to do as host? Green is, for you
smart people who don't watch MTV, the host of a bizarre show where he pretty
much takes a video camera and does all manner of bizarre things. I swear,
all Canadians aren't like this. I think the most consistently funny thing
about his show is that this one guy (Phil Giroux) just stands in the
background with a cup of coffee and doesn't do anything besides laugh.
Although I doubt that Tom will do anything too crazy (you don't f*ck with
Lorne), this might be a good show to have John Goodman or somebody waiting
in the wings to take over. As for the wedding rumours...I'm assuming
they're not true, just because it seems like your average Tom Green stunt.
If it did happen, though, it would be pretty cool.
The musical guest is a chap named David Gray. He's from the U.K. His
single (Babylon) is getting a lot of airplay. His album, White Ladder, is
acclaimed critical-lay. This gimmick is getting lame, so I'll stop it
ASA-Pay. From what I've heard of his music, he should be okay (the gimmick
lives on!).
I'm watching the show this week with my usual gang of Dave, Eric and Trevor,
who will all make comments as it goes along.

[COLD OPENING] SNL's Next Show Will Also Have Songs Written By A
Bono...Sorry, I'm Getting Ahead Of Myself...

I'm at a quandry about these sketches. Having every show open with a
political skit is starting to get a little repetitive, yet they're all so
funny that I can't really complain. It's gotten to the point now where I
don't care about the U.S. Election, since whomever ends up winning is sure
to be gone in four years. Hell, Will's impression of Dubya's gotten so good
that I wouldn't mind seeing Bush win if it would mean Will stays on the show
until 2004. The little dig at NBC for their Olympic-taping debacle was also
pretty funny. A
Live from New York, it's...Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond

[MONOLOGUE] A Message Board Rumour Was True? Wow, Then I Guess Adam
Sandler Will Host Any Week Now!

Tom Green's parents are the best sports in the world. The funniest bits on
Tom's show are when he torments them; painting their house plaid, painting
naked lesbians on the hood of the family car, putting a dead horse head in
his folks' bed, etc. Of course, since their son is now rich and famous, I'm
sure they are a lot more forgiving. Anyway, this was fairly weak, and it
only served to set up the wedding later on in the show (cue ominous
foreshadowing music). D

I originally gave it a C, during the Dana Carvey show.

[SKETCH] When Eagles Attack/Lick Audience Members
The first Tom Green-esque sketch of the show. Good for a cheap laugh, but
only about one or two. Putting Molly Shannon, of all people, in this sketch
was a bit of a risk, but she managed to keep her composure. Bully for her.
This sketch could've been better if SNL took the concept a bit
farther...have them leave the studio, run amok in the GE building and on the
streets of New York City. The outside stuff could easily be pre-taped, like
Alan Caulter's "Who Let the Dogs Out" bits on Letterman. TRADEMARK LINE
ALERT: See, I could write for this show. C-

[SKETCH] My Bad Hip Prevents Me From Getting Jiggy
Jerry Minor gets a recurring character after only five shows...this is
Horatio's first in three seasons. Life is funny. So are these characters,
which means that Rap Street could be a welcome new recurring sketch. Tom
Green actually used to be in a (hilariously lame) rap group in the early
nineties called Organized Rhyme. *CYMBAL CRASH* That's incredible! I
didn't really understand what was up with Maya, until it dawned on me that
they were spoofing the Eminem/ Dido performance from the season premiere.
Funny stuff, plus Maya is hot. Actually, the fact that Maya is hot had
nothing to do with my previous point. That being said, Maya is hot.
Eric sez...the fat man in the red suit should not be jumping. A

[SKETCH] Were They Doing Drawer-ings?
I used to have a category in my show summary called "Sketches that Make You
Say 'Dude, This Is Pretty F***ed Up, Right Here.'" This would have
qualified. It might've been funnier if Lorne had said "Goose." Dave
Tom Green looks like a distressed Alan Rickman. I say he's more
like a retarded combination of Dave Grohl and David Schwimmer. D

[SKETCH] I Hope Chris Parnell Is Not Paid By The Word
Another funny election sketch, made fresher from the fact that the usual
suspects (Gore and Bush) weren't in it. I am not really familiar with the
real Catherine Harris, but Ana's charcter was very funny. Darrell's Chris
Matthews impression struck me as sort of a riff on Will's Janet Reno.
Parnell, I guess that was the joke, wasn't it. A pretty
straightforward little sketch, so I'll give it an A.

[CARTOON] Charlotte's Web Will Never Be The Same Again
Here's an always funny topic...beastiality! Or in another, more accurate
way, it isn't really funny, at least not when done to excess. Sex In The
has never really caught on with me; if the show is about women who
sleep around, shouldn't the producers have cast good-looking women to play
the roles? I mean, Sarah Jessica Parker is what is known as a butterface:
everything about her is pretty attractive...but her face. I think instead
of a chicken, she should have been characterized by a horse, if you catch my
drift. Anyway, now that Matthew Broderick is going to hunt me down like a
dog, this cartoon was pretty blah. C

[SKETCH] No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Program...Except
For The Pig, And The Two Dogs

Humans are animals too, and I was harmed by watching this piece of garbage.

Comic Book Guy: Worst...Dog Show...Ever.

The fact that all of the animals looked scared to death was enough to kill
this sketch for me. The whole "wizard" subplot was craptacular as well.
The only laugh I got was from Rocky Balboa being dressed as Judd Hirsch's
character from Ordinary People. That's the kind of random, bizarre
humour that makes me laugh...the rest of the random, bizarre stuff in this
skit was just stupid. It's time to end this sketch for good. F

[WEEKEND UPDATE] Is Eat Me Avenue Anywhere Near Jabronie Drive?
Tina and Jimmy apparently had a bus to catch, since they blew through this
Update. I haven't such quick-talking since that guy on the Micro Machines
commercials. The jokes, brief as they were, were pretty funny; Tina's
verbal destruction of Catherine Harris was particularly good. The Gwyneth
Paltrow cameo was borderline pointless. In the wake of Calista Flockhart's
hosting gig, I think Gwyneth could stand to put on a few pounds as well.
And by "a few," I mean about twenty. Molly's bit was okay...who made the
decision to dress her like Prince? Her jokes reminded me of that episode of
Cheers where Cliff becomes a stand-up comedian, and punctuates every
joke with "What's up with that?" By the way, I'm going to try my luck at an
open mic night at Yuk Yuk's in a couple of weeks, so this could very well be
me. B-

[MUSICAL GUEST] Turn That Motha Up!
This song is called "Babylon," and is the aforementioned hit single I was
talking about. A good song, although either something was wrong with the
microphone, or else David Gray was standing too far away from it. Maybe he
was giddy at finally getting over in North America. He'll continue to get
popularity in this part of the world if he keeps getting celebrities to play
the drums for him; in this performance, Cosmo Kramer. A-

[SKETCH] Men Are Evil: Read This Book
Oprah used to be the best talk show host, before she got preachy and full of
herself. I liked how the sketch took the mickey out of Oprah's ridiculously
pro-feminine behaviour, and Will's various analogies were okay. This skit,
however, just didn't have that certain extra push to put it above
mediocrity. Maya's impression of Oprah is much more accurate than Tim
Meadows'. This may have something to do with the fact that Maya is a woman
and Tim is not. C-

[SKETCH] We Want Chilly Willy...We Want Chilly Willy
My friends were not impressed by this sketch (Dave sez...cut off
their air supply), since they didn't know who Air Supply were. But, I guess
that was the point. Since 90% of SNL's audience is probably equally in the
dark, Air Supply were a soft-rock band in the early eighties. Their songs
are staples of many an easy-listening station across the continent
(translation: they suck). I was about to make a comparison between Air
Supply and the Farley/Meadows singing duo "who sing like they're gay," but
then Will and Kattan started kissing. For the record, that is the second
time in the show that Will Ferrell has open-mouth kissed another man. C+

[SKETCH] Time Flies When You're Not Laughing
Will Ferrell made an appearance once on Tom Green's show back when it was
only shown in Canada. Will professed to having an intense hatred for Glenn
Humplik (Tom's sidekick), and beat up a pillow to show how he would beat up
Glenn, if given the opportunity. It was a pretty funny bit, which made me
wonder why SNL didn't follow up on it here. By "here," I mean replacing
this pathetic excuse for a sketch. Again, what the hell? F

[SKETCH/CLOSING CREDITS] Well, At Least It Was A Nice Arch
Given the pathetic nature of the show's ending, I have to ask: what was the
point of having the whole wedding bit, anyway? Pretty friggin' weak payoff.
By actually saying that they would get married, and then not, Tom, Drew
and to a lesser extent the SNL producers were just jerking everybody around.
Was it just a cheap way to get ratings? I thought that SNL would be a bit
above that.

ACTORS OF THE NIGHT: Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond
BEST SKETCHES OF THE NIGHT: Dubya's speech, Rap Street, Hardball w/Chris
WORST SKETCHES OF THE NIGHT: Dog Show, Rock Around The Clock
BUSIEST CAST MEMBER: Will Ferrell, six sketches.
(0 sketches), although Tracy was in the wedding party at the end of the
MISTAKES: The idea of have Tom Green host the show...oh sorry. Technical
mistakes included Tom not knowing that the camera was on before the Rock
Around The Clock sketch. Jimmy's "Swoosh" special effect during Update took
a while to kick in.

"Bazooka Joe, you don't need to throw a clock to see if time flies."--
George W. Bush (Will Ferrell)

"I liked that part about underwear...Lil' Kim, you should put some on."--
Grandmaster Rap (Jerry Minor)

"Can I say something?"-- Chris Parnell (as Bill Daley)
"No, but I do admire your interrupting and yelling."-- Darrell Hammond (as
Chris Matthews)

"She looks like a women being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. There's
another setting on that makeup mirror, Catherine...daytime."-- Tina Fey, on
Catherine Harris

"As we said before when you didn't recognize us, we're Air Supply."-- One of
the guys from Air Supply (Will Ferrell)

This show pretty much blew. Tom Green pretty much showed the world that his
actual acting talent is minimal, and the wedding debacle was much ado about
nothing. Maybe it was a case of the writers being burned out after doing
six shows in seven weeks, but this was still a poor showing all around.
Well, not all around, since there were a few good skits, and David Gray was
very good. I would certainly have much rather seen a second song from him
than that idiotic Rock Around The Clock sketch. This episode gets a big,
fat, D.
Two weeks of repeats, and then the big one. After over twenty years and
about 90 million albums sold, U2 will finally make their SNL debut. They've
been making a lot of media appearances to promote their (GREAT) new album,
All That You Can't Leave Behind, since their world tour won't start
until March, and SNL is another stop on the ol' publicity parade. They are,
of course, my favourite band and (without fear of hyperbole) the best band
in the world, so if I tend to sound like a 13-year-old girl at an N*Sync
concert, I apologize. Hopefully, the writers will be nice and refreshed
after two weeks and put a good show around them. The host (like that
matters) is Val Kilmer, who isn't exactly a comedian, but he is a pretty
decent actor. DAMN, I'm looking forward to that show.

Mark "U2! U2! U2!" Polishuk
ICQ: 84781580

Episode Review written by Mark Polishuk

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