Calista Flockhart / Ricky Martin
November 11, 2000


Hi everybody! My format may be straying a little this week, but blame
Temple on that. Damn post midterms. Also, I feel my best review was of the
Dana Carvey show, but the site hasn't been updated. I don't want to be a
loser by posting it to the board now, so that was my shameless plug. Now,
about the damn election. First off, I love my state of Pennsylvania for
being a Gore state. What I hate is the electoral college. This is the
first time in 5 years that I've finally understood what the hell it is, and
I have been so pissed. This is not democracy. My friend Dawn and I have
practically cried every time we've seen Bush's face on TV this week, which
is why I've been watching my Rocky Horror DVD non-stop for the past 5 or 6
days. Well, anyway, on with the review.

I'm not the biggest fan of Calista Flockhart. I've just started watching
some episodes of Ally McBeal, but that's because of the gorgeously hot Jane
Krakowski. Yes, you read correctly. I still want to petition for the
gorgeously hot Jon Stewart to host though. Yes, you're still reading
correctly. Anyhoo, I was pissed about the whole weight issue with her at
first, but I'm starting to cut her some slack. It's David E. Kelley I hate
for respectively casting Calista, Lara Flynn Boyle, Portia De Rossi, etc.
and making Jane, Camryn Manheim, and Courtney Thorne-Smith feel like they
have to lose weight. Wardrobe departments order clothes in like, size 2.
If the actress is anything higher, they are practically ostracized. I hate
the industry sometimes. Why do I want to work in it, you ask? Wellum.ask
again later. I was expecting a pretty good show though. The election is
comic gold, and Calista has done a lot of stage work so she's used to the
pressure.

PRESIDENTIAL COUPLE:
I cried with laughter. Do you know how hard it is to get the Odd Couple
theme out of your head? Dawn and I sang it on the way to class, in class,
and after class tonight. This was only too perfect. When Bush had the
Nickelodian magazine and a pondering look on his face, I lost it. Good for
him for graduating from Highlights. Want to hear a good Bush quote?
"Marijuana? Cocaine? I'm not going to talk about the things I did as a
child."-- when asked if he'd ever tried drugs.
Can you just imagine if these two ran the country. Dear Christ. And I'm
not religious. Paper definitely beats rock, btw.
SCORE: 5/5

MONOLOGUE:
This was the absolute best monologue of the season. Calista's comic timing
was great, and she really didn't look that bad. Rachel Dratch was excellent
though. Ally is so freakin annoying. I'm so glad Calista has a sense of
humor about herself. When she winked about the anorexia nudge, I lost it
once again.
SCORE: 5

COMMERCIAL: CRACKLIN ECSTACY
I just love Will Ferrell at times like these. It almost seems natural for
him to go lick Chris Parnell's face while rolling. This was funny as all
hell. Not like I have experience, but I've seen the aftereffects of my
coworkers. Wonder how much that would cost I'm not into the commercials,
but this one was positively classic for my generation. I just realized how
much of that shit I sell. Spencers is big on blacklights, glo sticks, E
posters, etc. We are no longer the Satan store. We are now the T & A/minor
drug/gross-out/lava light store. www.spencergifts.com Shameless plug #2.
SCORE: 5

THE CULPS AT FLORIDA:
Yay, the Culps are back! I know they're repetitive, but it's so damn funny.
Don't tell me you've never had a middle school music teacher like that. I
absolutely despise middle school music teachers b/c I was forced to learn
the song "Waltzing Matilda" in 6th grade. Nothing against Aussies-they're
awesome, but the song reeks and I can never get it out of my head once it's
planted. Plus, I always hear my teacher's quasi-operatic tone as she banged
away at the piano. Where was I? Oh yeah. Calista's WASP-y Gore Whore
rocked. "I'm going to go make out with whoever's in the CNN van now." I
actually didn't catch most of the songs. What killed me is when they did
Papa Roach. "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES THIS IS MY LAST RESORT!" That was
flippin hilarious. I could have lived with out the g-ddamn Baha Men though.
That song needs to be buried with the Macarena, Electric Slide, and Ice
Ice Baby. Ah, remember when it was "Rice Rice Gravy" I miss the old days.
You know who's in People magazine this week? Jon Knight from NKOTB. I
haven't seen a picture of him since I was 11! Wasn't missing much.
SCORE: 4.75

NICK BURNS:
I'm not too into this skit b/c the joke gets old fast, Jimmy doesn't look
cute, and I dated a guy for a year who was just like this. Yet, it's still
funny for at least 2 minutes. Even my mother commented that Kattan looked
good (she doesn't understand the obsession). I was impressed with Calista's
"fatsuit," but she really did look like Pat with it. This was funnier than
most Nick Burns skits. His mom's "crib," hehe. I didn't get the "you're
welcome" thing though.
SCORE: 4

VICE PRESIDENT'S ADDRESS:
The Odd Couple was better, but this had me ROTFLMFAO too. I just love
Darrell's Al Gore. American citizens are slow 8 year olds according to him.
I saw that ballot, and it was NOT confusing. Maybe if there weren't
arrows I would have been thrown off, but that's it. The "real" accounts
from the old people practically made me and Dawn fight over who got the
bathroom first. We recited his description of the ballot all day. Here's
another Bush quote:
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century." ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95
SCORE: 5

MUSICAL GUEST: RICKY MARTIN
I was never a huge Ricky Martin fan. His songs are fun to shake your bon
bon to, but that's it. I like N*Sync and Spice Girls better. Oh, don't
shun me. I appreciate nearly all music except country and most rap.
Typical Ricky. Why was he talking? Only Steven Tyler can get away with
that, and that's during concerts.
SCORE: 3

WEEKEND UPDATE:
I am loving Tina Fey more and more every week. Her reenactment of the
Bush/Gore conversation was priceless. "Oh no you didn't!" And her
awkwardness from being between the two, hehe. Reminds me of high school,
obviously. What upset me was realizing that I still say, "I know, right."
Well, the Charlie's Angels thing was interesting b/c I just saw it that
night. It was ok. Pure campy fun that requires no thinking. Don't even
attempt to. Plus, Cameron and Drew were justlovely. I loved the looks on
Jimmy's face though. Calista really had Drew's laugh down. Interesting-she
and Jimmy were kissing all night. Plus, she actually hooked up with Lucy
Liu on Ally McBeal and was pretending to here. Weird. Drew is bisexual
though. The girls really did get close, as was evident on talk shows and
interviews, but Drew's got Tom Green and Cameron's got Jared Leto. Here are
their real nicknames that they gave each other: Pussy Drew, Pussy Liu, and
Pussy Poo. I kid you not. Cameron is Poo, obviously. Anyway, Darrell's
bit as Clinton was freakin hilarious. I've noticed that he does the whole
laughter-abrupt stop thing with Gore, too. And Kattan as the Queenholy
shit. That was so irreverently hilarious. Scott Thompson does a better
imitation though. Anyway, I enjoyed this Weekend Update immensely.
SCORE: 5

CROCODILE HUNTER:
Didn't they do this on the Julianna Margulies show? I didn't like it then,
and I don't like it now. I really can't comment on this, except that
Calista was fabulously cheerful despite near death. Kattan was pretty
subdued, considering some of his recurring characters.
SCORE: 2.5

MUSICAL GUEST: RICKY MARTIN (AND KATTAN)
I almost cried from happiness when I saw Kattan pretending to be Ricky. I
saw him on Rosie, and he was scared over what Ricky thought of the
impersonation. He is just so fabulous at it. They tanned him up, too. I
didn't like Ricky's interjection though. He should have pushed him to the
back and had him dance throughout. And why does he keep talking?! I don't
think I've ever seen that before. I was surprised that he performed again
so quickly.
SCORE: 4.5

TYPICAL MOLLY/2 MIDDLE AGED LADIES:
I learned what a "camels toe" was when I watched the classic movie "Serial
Mom" years ago. It shocked my perverted mind then and still does. This was
just awful. Nice to see Jerry Minor actually talk though, but it's a shame
he had to be subjected to this. Heh, Crockett and Tubbs. You can't go
wrong with a Miami Vice reference, lol. Never fails to get a laugh from
80's kids who were subjected to Don Johnson and linen by their parents.
Frankly, I still think Calista did a pretty good job. Will saved the skit.
I don't blame Jimmy and Jerry's spit take. Nice to know older people still
get it on, but does it have to be flaunted?
SCORE: 1.99

CBS SPORTS:
This was funny. I don't blame them for milking all the jokes that they
could out of the recount with sports scores. After all, how many chances do
they get to do this? I liked that this wasn't an end of the show crapper.
Unfortunately, most people probably changed the channel after the Gold Bond
threesome.
SCORE: 4

OVERALL SCORE: 49.75/60= 83
Well, I take back what I said last week about the Charlize Theron show.
THIS was the greatest show of the season so far. I must have been on
something last week. Well give me a break, I just got through the Halloween
season, one of the busiest times for my store. I still think she did a
lovely job, considering that she's not exactly into comedy, but Calista
kicked her ass. Why the hell was Horatio in an Babar costume, btw? Poor
guy must have gotten cut. But wait- isn't the elephant a symbol for the
Republicans? Maybe he was making a statement. Oh well. People really
aren't getting much time on the show lately. Jimmy freakin dominates. I
love the guy, but how bout giving some other people a chance? Poor Ana only
did one skit again! Well, she also was in the commercial, but I don't count
that. Tom Green hosts this week. This should be mighty interesting. Not a
huge fan of the guy by any means, but he has made me laugh with a couple of
his gags. Gags is definitely the operative word. Bye bye all. Email me, I
love to hear from people.


Episode Review written by Christina Costello


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