Carnivore

[Friendlerson]

Fred Armisen sits at a picnic table eating meat. Bill and Andy enter.

Andy: Hey. I want some of that meat.

Fred: I can't give you any. There are kids starving in Africa.

Andy: What does that have to do with anything?

Fred: If I give you some meat, it becomes a liability. You may not finish, and that food could have gone to Africa.

Bill: What are you talking about? You eating that food does not affect the Africans at all.

Fred: Okay. I'll give you some meat, but you have to promise me that you'll finish it. For the African children.

Bill: Okay.

(Fred gives Andy and Bill some meat. They start eating. Andy drops some pieces on the ground.)

Fred: Oh no. What have you done?

(Fred gets a phone call.)

Fred (to the phone): Hello? No. Oh please don't let this be happening. We'll be more careful. I'm so sorry. Bye.

Andy: Who was that?

Fred: Really? Who was that? That was Oolock, a kid from Africa. He called to tell me that he just got hungrier a few seconds ago. A few seconds ago, you dropped the piece of meat. Coincidence?

Bill: Yes.

Andy: And why do you have an African kids phone number?

Fred: I met him online. He told me he was starving.

(Bill takes out cherries and starts eating them. He spits out the seeds. Fred gets a text message.)

Fred:Why did you do that? I just got a text. Oolock's family has been kidnapped. You spit out the cherry seed. What have you wrought?

Bill: Nothing. Oolock and the cherry seed have nothing in common.

Fred: All I need to do is forward him 10,000 dollars in ransom money, which he will be able to pay back twofold once he regains his status as African prince.

Bill: That sounds like a total scam.

(Kenan enters.)

Kenan: (to Bill) I heard what you said about me, and it hurt my feelings. Now I'm going back to Africa. (to Fred) Make sure to send me that money. I'm so hungry.

Andy: What? This is totally a scam. He was probably watching us from the other side of the park.

Bill: And how do you explain his rotund figure if he's starving?

Fred: That's what happens to starving kids. Their stomachs distend.

(Kenan pops up behind the bushes with binoculars. Everyone notices.)

Fred: What are you doing, Oolock?

Bill: Get out of here right now. What do you have to say for yourself, you phony?

Andy: Yeah. I'm totally calling the cops on this guy.

Kenan: Oh. I seem to have...uhh...I'm not in Africa? Oops. This is so embarrassing.

Andy: Oh, my bad. Easy mistake. I totally get lost all the time too.

Bill: I know exactly what you mean. I get lost all the time. What you need to do is take a cab to LaGuardia, where you can board a plane to wherever you need to go.

Fred: Here's a check for 10,000 dollars.

[eleventhirtyfour]

I have not yet read your sketch and therefore cannot give an appropriate response or any type of accurate feedback. Sorry for the inconvenience. Good day, sir.

[CowbellEtc]

I give this sketch five out of five thumbs!